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negative mum
ThailandTom
Veteran
Hello again people. I would like some help/advise on this specific matter relating to my mother.
basically, we are or were very similar mentally speaking. Before i relaxed and started to train my mind I was similar in the sense we both had very over active minds. Both with anxiety, both highly strung and both needing to chill lol.
I talk to her pretty much every day for an hour or so as she still lives in england and me in thailand. She is a very negative person, very negative indeed. To give some background info, she is a teacher at a secondary school, very unselfish, highly strung, smiles and laughs a lot but inside does have a lot of tension and negative vibes. She is not too well off financially, whereas my dad (separated) is. She struggles every month with my sister money wise and she never buys anything for herself really.
I can see her negative thinking patterns, I can see where she is going wrong but I have spoken with her and she doesn't dislike me saying as much, she just says stuff like it is her fate to be this way. She can;t do anything about it etc. It is so bad because it is like watching someone drown and you throw them the rubber ring and they choose not to use it...
basically, we are or were very similar mentally speaking. Before i relaxed and started to train my mind I was similar in the sense we both had very over active minds. Both with anxiety, both highly strung and both needing to chill lol.
I talk to her pretty much every day for an hour or so as she still lives in england and me in thailand. She is a very negative person, very negative indeed. To give some background info, she is a teacher at a secondary school, very unselfish, highly strung, smiles and laughs a lot but inside does have a lot of tension and negative vibes. She is not too well off financially, whereas my dad (separated) is. She struggles every month with my sister money wise and she never buys anything for herself really.
I can see her negative thinking patterns, I can see where she is going wrong but I have spoken with her and she doesn't dislike me saying as much, she just says stuff like it is her fate to be this way. She can;t do anything about it etc. It is so bad because it is like watching someone drown and you throw them the rubber ring and they choose not to use it...
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Comments
I just want to help her with her negative thinking and ways, but I can't seem to do so. She seems so set in her ways that it is impossible to get through to her.
Spock is a good role model when dealing with emotional people. It takes practice, but tends to deflate them like a balloon. When it doesn't and they get too irrational, tell yourself the sound coming at you is just noise and random gibberish, wait for them to calm down, then look for skillful means to help both of you reach a deeper understanding.
When I am relating to difficult people (or in the case where the person is a parent or close family member) I have found its best to point somewhere other than the person, as often they would rather be left alone. For instance, instead of saying this:
"Mom, you could overcome your negative thinking with meditation. Count your breaths and the aggressive, negative thoughts will settle."
You could point at the solution for the behavior without directly addressing the pattern in the person, which almost certainly comes across as judging. Perhaps:
"Hey Mom, I learned in Buddhism that meditation can help with those times when I am being really down on myself. Its really simple actually, all you have to do is notice the breath and let the mind go. You wouldn't believe how relieving it is for me to have that voice stop beating me up."
Sometimes it is much easier to begin to see the pattern if it is in someone else. Especially when a person is not trained in letting go of the ego, often they will rise up to defend their status quo. In contrast, if you are excited about what you've learned, and keep it in personal context, then often bread crumbs will lead them to ask questions when they're ready to address it in themselves.
With warmth,
Matt
I really like this advice. I would love to try it with my Mom, who can also be really negative and ignorant (she makes very degrading comments about other religions, people, etc). Thanks for sharing your opinion!