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More family issues...
Again I come to you guys hoping to get some good words. I assume most of it will be about the same as my last thread, though I do kind of want to just get other people's opinions on this as well.
My step mom seems to have a gambling addiction. My dad lost his job a few months ago, so she's been supporting us lately. However, she doesn't make nearly enough money for them to be spending it upon frivolous things as they do. She buys my little sister whatever she wants (this would be my step mom and father's kid, so my half sister) and her and my dad always tell me they don't have enough money to buy me things I need. I started school today and I need some supplies still. They told me that we won't have money for it for awhile, yet somehow they could afford to go to the casino Friday night and blow a few hundred bucks. It's not just that I don't get school supplies though, we're behind on bills and our cell phones are probably going to get shut off (which I don't mind too much, but it's the main way people contact me) soon. I have a really hard time not letting stuff like this get to me. My little sister could go to my parents right now and say "Can I have thirty dollars to go see a movie that I've already seen three times?" and they would give it to her almost guaranteed.
Today I asked for $20 so I could WALK to the store and get my school supplies (a good three miles away at least) and he told me they couldn't afford it. However, when my sister got home I found out he gave her $15 for food and drinks that she didn't need (she was just hanging out with a friend). My grades will start suffering if I can't get these supplies soon but they're seemingly more worried about doing whatever they want. They had my Mom pay for all of my school supplies that I have so far and haven't spent a cent for me, but they spent well over $200 on my sister (who's going into 8th, and I'm a senior in high shool) for school supplies, new shoes (she has like eight pairs, I have one), and new clothes (she has a surplus, I'm running out of pants and socks and the like). I just don't understand why they do this... Every time I bring it up to them they just tell me they don't have enough money, but it's clearly not the case.
If I had a job I wouldn't expect them to buy me stuff, but I can't find one so I need help financially and they seem to think I don't.
My step mom seems to have a gambling addiction. My dad lost his job a few months ago, so she's been supporting us lately. However, she doesn't make nearly enough money for them to be spending it upon frivolous things as they do. She buys my little sister whatever she wants (this would be my step mom and father's kid, so my half sister) and her and my dad always tell me they don't have enough money to buy me things I need. I started school today and I need some supplies still. They told me that we won't have money for it for awhile, yet somehow they could afford to go to the casino Friday night and blow a few hundred bucks. It's not just that I don't get school supplies though, we're behind on bills and our cell phones are probably going to get shut off (which I don't mind too much, but it's the main way people contact me) soon. I have a really hard time not letting stuff like this get to me. My little sister could go to my parents right now and say "Can I have thirty dollars to go see a movie that I've already seen three times?" and they would give it to her almost guaranteed.
Today I asked for $20 so I could WALK to the store and get my school supplies (a good three miles away at least) and he told me they couldn't afford it. However, when my sister got home I found out he gave her $15 for food and drinks that she didn't need (she was just hanging out with a friend). My grades will start suffering if I can't get these supplies soon but they're seemingly more worried about doing whatever they want. They had my Mom pay for all of my school supplies that I have so far and haven't spent a cent for me, but they spent well over $200 on my sister (who's going into 8th, and I'm a senior in high shool) for school supplies, new shoes (she has like eight pairs, I have one), and new clothes (she has a surplus, I'm running out of pants and socks and the like). I just don't understand why they do this... Every time I bring it up to them they just tell me they don't have enough money, but it's clearly not the case.
If I had a job I wouldn't expect them to buy me stuff, but I can't find one so I need help financially and they seem to think I don't.
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Comments
I can definitely see how your sister comes across as the favourite for cash-handouts - I had a similar situation with my sister, though in a less serious situation. It sucks like a turbo-charged vacuum, and I'm guessing your sister isn't interested in helping 'share' the handouts by compromising requests or something?
I'm not sure how close you are to your parents, and though I' a fan of open and honest communication, it might not go down so well if you gently confront them on their gambling problems :S Again, some subtle 'net research on dealing with addicted family members or a chat with your teacher would help?
I didn't have much advice, but I thought I'd reply because I feel for you, mate - keep your Buddhist practice up, and don't hold too tightly to anything; keep a bit of the 'no worries' about you, and you'll find a clear way through soon.
get in touch with social services, and dicuss the fact with them.
tell them the whole story.
Your parents are legally responsible for your care, well-being and education.
This is a social and required obligation on their part.
You need to talk to somebody official - and bring a complaint against them.
This is NOT un-Buddhist.
This is self-protection, and is aligned with the First precept.
Do no harm to any living sentient being.
This includes yourself.
It is also our personal duty, as Buddhists, to keep ourselves from being harmed.
By association, through drinking and gambling - your parents are harming you and depriving you of the overal care and protection they are legally obligated to provide.
You need to discuss this with somebody official, and you need to get this out into the open.
You have a duty to yourself, to consider your own well-being and safety, and that includes your being clothed, fed and educated.
Speak to a Counsellor at school, or someone who might be able to do something for you.
It might even be possible to place you with another family, and legally oblige your parents to pay for your upkeep.
families are always considered sacrosanct.
This is bull.
if somebody is guilty of neglect and careless abandon, they should be held responsible.
There are unfortunately too many cases in the papers (I'm speaking specifically about UK media) reporting cases where parents have been grossly negligent and cruel to their children. While I am not suggesting any abuse or brutality - you have a situation on your hand that needs drastically changing.
And it's not a situation that can be handled delicately.
You now need to take drastic action.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but your parents need their butts kicking.
Is it a viable option for you to go and live with your mom instead?
Could you maybe get a part-time or weekend job to help pay for your school supplies?
Do you get an allowance of any kind from your dad or mom? If you do perhaps you could look at your spending habits and see if they could be made more efficient.
@Gecko and federica: I will probably talk to my counselor about it soon. I don't feel like bothering him with more stuff (we're pretty much friends, and I "work" for the office for a period so I know he's extremely busy because school just started up). I'll probably let him know about it and may even copy&paste what I typed up on here to give to him just in case I decide to hold back on details when I finally decide to open up with him about it.
I may be able to move in with my mom, but she has been unemployed for almost two years and I'd feel bad moving in with her and not having a job. I've been looking for a job lately but can't find anything. It's a small town so there isn't much work to go around (especially when I can't drive). Another thing is it's my senior year and I don't really want to transfer schools, plus leave all of my friends here (my mom lives on the other side of the city, and they have a different school). If I was to move back in with my mom I would want to be able to drive so I could get around without having to depend on my mom (especially when she's trying to get a job) to drive me everywhere. Also, my little sister plays a role in my living here. Since this stuff has all flared into what it is, she has become very introverted and would probably go insane (maybe literally) if I didn't live here and alleviate the stress on her.
I do not get allowance, though I was told many times I would. I've gotten THREE whole dollars from him in the last few weeks... Which was tonight, for munch money, because my little sister asked him to give it to me.
She knows she gets spoiled and she tries to help me out, but clothes and other stuff that is clearly for me is hard to really pass off as something "she" wants.
As for now, I'm going to get off, and try to meditate for a bit before going to bed. I've been typing for ten minutes now and they're still fighting, but at least quieter, so I'll hopefully be able to get a good session in (and actually fall asleep afterwards).
I'm thinking of trying some Loving Kindness meditation tonight though it'll be hard to direct it towards them while they're yelling at each other...
*zones back in*
Just got distracted looking into the meaning of the mantra at the end of the Heart Sutra..... Totally irrelevant (sort of) though very interesting. Maybe I'll start reciting/memorizing this daily
Not totally irrelevant. It's a very powerful sutra. I think it would be great if you were to memorize even one gatha.
"Form is emptiness, emptiness is form, form does not differ from emptiness, emptiness does not differ from form."
You 'don't feel like bothering him'...?
IT'S HIS JOB!!
You ask him if you could have some time to talk to him about a personal matter, as a counsellor. He then knows this is "official business", and allocates the same time to you as he is obliged to allocate to anybody else coming to him for advice and support!
Don't look at this as 'bothering him!' One of the first questions he may ask, is how long has this been going on? And then he will ask you -
"Why didn't you come to me sooner - ?!?"
You cannot exist on a 3-dollar munch money handout, that your sister has managed to engineer for you...Which was kind of her, but that too, is not what she should be having to do!
You need to get this out somewhere, NOW.
For you, for her and for the good of everyone, ultimately.
I promise you, your counsellor will not consider this 'bothering him'!!
Unfortunately, I have personal experience with the same situation.
I am a senior too (except in college). I have moved into a new apartment (the rent is cheaper than dorms). I asked for help paying for a mattress/bed, as my bed at home is broken. I was given $75 and told to look for a used (gross) mattress. I have no problem with being humble and living within my means, if my parents cannot afford it, that's simply the way it is; however, later that same week my mother re-did my room (in which no one will be living, ever, not even myself) with new carpet, new bed frame, new box-spring, new mattress, new paint for walls, new furniture - yet they cannot find the money to help me with a bed to sleep on (let alone food, utilities, or school loans).
With your mother's gambling, I can relate as well. My dad lost all of the money he had saved for my college in the stock market in 3 minutes and 45 seconds during my senior year of high school. Granted, it wasn't much because he had always expected I would never go to college.
Similar scenarios have been replayed many times for the past several years, so I can definitely relate. For awhile, I despised my biological parents. Then, one day, I realized it doesn't matter. I saw them as simply "people", and not as do-no-wrong-I'm-tied-to-you-forever-family.
Unfortunately, I don't have much wisdom to impart with you, because I am still dealing with this (my issues also started around 11th-12th grade). All I can say is that this will be a great exercise in patience and love-kindness towards difficult people. It's difficult, but it's made me more independent person, a better person, and I can honestly say that I am better equipped to handle difficult people and situations.
I hope that your situation is only temporary. If you get nothing else out of it, do try to learn from this experience as much as you can.
@mugzy: At the time it felt irrelevant because I picked it up solely for the reason that it's the only thing I've actually gotten from a Buddhist gathering and thought it might have some words of wisdom
@Synth: Yeah, that is all too familiar of a story for me.. haha
Complacency and reticence, hesitation and reluctance, keeps you in this state. I'm going to risk a backlash, but coming in and giving us your problems will not be constructive for you, unless you act upon the advice you seek.
Offloading is fine, but the problem will not go away if all you do is vent about it.
Well, let's just hope it won't be too late by then.
This is, if you will forgive me, the inexperienced view of a young and loving person who doesn't want to make waves. But not making waves, and not getting something done, is the worst thing you could do.
Why should they NOT be reminded of their responsibilities?
Besides, social services will not remove you without some kind of remedial practice being put into place first. If you come under the spotlight of the social services, they try to work to keep people together, not split them...Neither your father, nor your step-mother will be arrested, and neither will they lose custody of you. These are last-resort measures, not first....But they will come under the spotlight, and they will be called to task.
Well, you recognise that two wrongs don't make a right.... But I can also guess you're probably scared of doing anything like this, because it's a big thing to do.
I just don't want you to look back, if you fail to get the grades you could, and if your sister also comes in for poor treatment, and wish you'd done something different....We don't regret the things we do, as much as regretting the things we didn't do....
I wish I could come over and help you, I'm so mad right now, on your behalf....
Agreed.
And WAUW. I've been working on the precepts for so many years now. And it never occured to me that 'I' am also included in the first precept.
This gives it SO much more power and substance. I have the 'click' right now, some things make a lot more sence.
thank you, thank you, thank you,
The first precept covers the remaining 5 (with regard to laypeople....)
Vow to refrain from taking anything that is not freely given. You tarnish yourself with the reputation of being dishonest. Why make your actions questionable? Do not mar your character by doing this.
Vow to refrain from indulging in immoral or inappropriate sexual behaviour.
Why give yourself the reputation of being a person with questionable morals? And what if the sexual actions you take result in somebody taking umbrage, and the effects being far-reaching? Enjoy sex responsibly.
Vow to refrain from false, divisive speech and careless talk. Why earn the reputation of being dishonourable and untrustworthy? Why place yourself in a situation where people would question whether you can be relied upon to keep your word, and keep your silence when necessary? This will have far-reaching implications, so be careful what you permit to come out of your Mouth. Even the swiftest horseman of the Emperor's army cannot retrieve the word, once spoken....
Vow to refrain from ingesting, imbibing, inhaling any substance that addles the mind, confuses the thinking and muddles the brain.
This stuff has side effects, and not all of them remotely agreeable. You have but this life, that you know of, in the Sacred and blessed Human Realm. Are you going to rot your body and treat it so badly?
All these are object lessons in why, in addition to doing these things to others, we should not do them to ourselves. we owe ourselves the duty of honouring ourselves as truly precious and blessed for having come to a Human existence. The least we can do for ourselves is to take Care of ourselves. in every way possible, Mentally, verbally and physically.
And I don't think this is off-topic. I think it applies perfectly and equally well to our young and good friend, Shawn.
I'll try to set up an appointment with my counselor for tomorrow. Since I spend a period in the office I should have some down time where instead of a quick meditation I'll go and put my name on his "list"... I just have a feeling that once I get there I'll probably skirt the issue like I was saying.. And I just found out my printer isn't working, joyous occasions haha
inspiring...
and yeah...it's off-topic so i'll leave it at this
Ask your sister for money.