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Relationship questions
I'm looking for a third-person perspective on this situation, specifically a Buddhist one; so I hope I'm in the right place.
I've been deployed to Afghanistan for a month now. My girlfriend started hanging out with a friend, and eventually developed feelings for him. We were discussing marriage and I had planned on proposing during my R&R leave. She told me the other day that she couldn't be with me if she had feelings for someone else, and she needed some time to try being with him to see if it's just physical or if it's something real.
I realize that I'm not supposed to be attached, but how am I supposed to be in a loving relationship without any attachments?
Should I just let her go, even though I love her? I guess I haven't developed myself to the point where I can balance relationships and not being attached.
Any advice or thoughts? Relevant teachings from the Buddha? Thanks all.
I've been deployed to Afghanistan for a month now. My girlfriend started hanging out with a friend, and eventually developed feelings for him. We were discussing marriage and I had planned on proposing during my R&R leave. She told me the other day that she couldn't be with me if she had feelings for someone else, and she needed some time to try being with him to see if it's just physical or if it's something real.
I realize that I'm not supposed to be attached, but how am I supposed to be in a loving relationship without any attachments?
Should I just let her go, even though I love her? I guess I haven't developed myself to the point where I can balance relationships and not being attached.
Any advice or thoughts? Relevant teachings from the Buddha? Thanks all.
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Comments
You can't let her go, because you never had any control over her to begin with. But if she hurts you, you owe it to yourself and her to gently let her know that.
Keep in mind that if she breaks up with you over this, she's done you a favor. Better to go through this now than to marry someone who's not really committed to the relationship.
When you ask:"Should I just let her go, even though I love her?" that prompts questions in me to ask you.
First, is it really up to you to 'let her go?'
Second, when you say you love her what do you mean by 'love'? Do you mean that you have convinced yourself that your own happiness is somehow related to whether or not she behaves as you want her to?
Again, I am sorry for your pain. You are faced with a very difficult and emotionally trying situation. The upshot is that it is experiences like this that are the best teachers, if you let them be. It won't seem that way now, but it likely will later.
I can understand the amount of confusion that can arise as we attempt to discover the 'right path' for us. When it comes to relationships, its not a black and white set of rules... but an experience of mutual discovery, intimacy and compatibility.
When you say you want to 'detach', I hear that you wish to avoid the pain of loss, and that right now you're in some pain over her actions. I'm really sorry that where she is in her mind and heart is not the same place you are. You can't force anyone to grow, and if she is just not where you are, then you really only have two options.
One, move along. There are many beautiful, creative, intelligent and caring women in this world, and many of them are seeking to find a stable and loving man. I know the 'fish in the sea' metaphor isn't all that helpful in overcoming a broken down relationship, but its true and complete in its wisdom. There might not be another just like your 'Jessica', but if you open your heart, develop your mind, you will certainly find someone even more resonant with your personal view.
The second option is to wait and see if she comes around. If she is lonely and wondering if you're the right person for her, then she might need some time to discover that you're someone she wishes to be with. It might be her way of coping with losing you to Afghanistan, or her way of discovering who she is as a person. Either way, if you can accept that this is a lesson she needs, and wish her well upon learning it, then you'll be open and ready to hear it when she discovers what she is looking for, no matter what it is.
My opinion is that its probably best to walk away. Sometimes women say "I want to check out other things" when they are really saying "I'm done here, sorry".... though I of course don't know her personally.
I hope you find some peace.
With warmth,
Matt
Some people just can't deal with being alone for any length of time, they jump from one partner to the next and you'll never be able to trust them to be faithful in your absence.
That sounds cynical I know, but it's knowledge acquired through experience, take it or leave it.
Don't be bitter when the relationship does end though, you'll just be hurting yourself.
First, I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I think many of us have been in very similar circumstances, although certainly in my case without the extra stress of being 6000 miles away in a foreign country at the same time.
The whole idea of loving someone deeply without attachment is a real toughie. I've read several interesting dharma teachers' takes on this, and none of them really satisfied my own confusion over it. Perhaps in time I'll figure it out, as may you. In the meantime, it just plain hurts, that's for sure. But as noted, if she truly is going to be with someone else, this is a good thing for you (and her) to know now rather than later. If she truly loved you, this wouldn't happen (even if it's "just physical" - which is a cop out and a load of crap), so it's better to know now, pull the splinter out, let it bleed a little, then heal over.
I'm sure that's true. I wish I could meet just one of them. Just one. That's all. Not greedy.
Mtns
This reminded me of a 'cute' story I read recently. I think it's partially relevant to the topic as it has a way of making a point about what love is. The story went something like this:
An elderly man and a younger man were sitting together. The younger man asked the older man 'So, how come you never married?'
The older man replied that he never found the perfect woman.
"Really" asked the younger man. "Surely in all your years you must have met someone who came close."
"Well", began the older man "There was a woman I met long ago who was beautiful and intelligent, but she wasn't kind. Then there was the time I met a woman who was beautiful, intelligent and kind, but we didn't have much in common." Pausing to recollect a bit the older man went on to say "There was a woman I met once who was beautiful, intelligent, kind and we had much in common."
"So what happened with her?" the younger man asked.
"One of the greatest disappointments of my life." replied the older man. "Apparently she was looking for the perfect man."
It is good to know that you have an intellectual understanding of Buddhist dharma. I wasn't sure if you did or not when you made your post.
Knowing you have the background I would like to encourage you to practice mindfulness to the extent you can as you go through this experience. Specifically mindfulness of your thoughts, feelings and actions as they pertain to experiencing the relationship troubles.
It may seem trite and pointless right now, but if you can, trust me that down the road it will lead to a lot of understanding of yourself for you. Extremely emotional times like this it can be really difficult to practice mindfulness, but to the extent you can the payoff will be huge later on.
rather than give you exclusively Buddhist insight here, I'm going to add something that might appear contrary, but hopefully it will give you food for thought:
take away the Encyclopedia brittanica, Shakespeare, and yes, the suttas too, and we're pretty basic beings. So much so, that we actually com under the order of animals, mammals to be specific, genus Homo sapiens.
We're mammals.
Now:
if you do some research, and study the grouping instincts of mammals, you will see that the pithy saying "There's safety in numbers' definitely applies.
But research further, and google monogamous mammals. And you know what?
There aren't any. Or at least, none that seriously adhere to monogamy as an instinctive and definitive behaviour.
In short - we are not programmed to be monogamous, we are conditioned to be.
Ever mindful of backing up outrageous statements, have a look at this link:
However, It concludes, and I quote:
The reason I post this, is not, as one might think, to excuse your girlfriend's behaviour.
(As you will read in the link, it would appear that females are prone, to a considerable degree, of not being monogamous.... )
No.
It is to point out that Desire, (and as such, sexual promiscuity) is quite natural.
but commitment (i.e., fidelity) - is a choice.
We cannot blame a person if they decide that they wish to be a free agent, when it comes to having partners - and at times, more than two.... maybe it's merely a fundamental point of doing what comes naturally.
(I happen to know one man who is literally 'sharing' his wife, with her lover, and sees her for 3.5 days a week, as does her lover.
Quite how they have managed to negotiate the delicate niceties of social, moral and ethical convention, I don't know. I DO know that the husband (having known his wife for a considerable time, and having had 2 children with her) is far more resigned and 'comfortable' with this arrangement, than the lover, who cannot quite get his head around the fact that he is in a polyandric relationship.
What we can blame a person for is deceit, and subterfuge.
A person can cause a great deal of emotional damage, by witholding information, and misleading the very person they were supposed to love, cherish and put above all others.
So perhaps you may well have escaped a more tragic situation, in case of having married her.
She may well be the kind of person who finds that being with one aprtner is not something she would ever be able to commit to (so you would have to think that this poor fellow may well have it coming to him!)
As I stated, this is an additional slice of the pie for you to digest.
Quite how you might be able to correlate it with your Buddhist practice, I'm not sure.
But in knowing this, it makes it all the clearer to me, specifically, that the choice I have made - to be faithful and honest to my partner, and not even think about being unfaithful - is based on a far more complete understanding of what makes me tick.
"Buddhistically", morally, socially, ethically - and biologically.
I intend to never betray the man I am with.
And I'm ok with that. Because I know precisely why.
Maybe now, having gained a greater perspective on what factors might have contributed to your GF straying, you will find it easier, and more simple, to be able to rationalise your feelings and standpoint.
Or maybe I have really messed with your head, in which case, I apologise.
Just ignore me.