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My best friend is pregnant
I'm not the father, we never had sex but I love her very much as a friend. She is currently rehab, a heroin addict, crackhead, and an alcoholic. I'm going through my own issues and am working on the 12 steps.
One day she calls me from rehab and tells me she is pregnant. All I could say was, "Oh."
The whole thing was just way too overwhelming for me. She's put her family and friends through a lot being in and out of rehabs and instituions. She was in AA and NA but she never followed through with anything, never took any suggestions, and was constantly in and out of relationships even when she was told that it wasn't time yet.
So I told her I had to go and she started to get angry at me. She asked me who I was with and I told her my sponsor.
She continued to keep trying to talk to me then finally I said, "I gotta go" and just hung up on her.
I feel almost like I'm turning my back on her, but I have to work some stuff out for myself and I cannot let her problems become my problems. My sponsor told me that she'll get me drunk before I get her sober, and I think he's right.
All I can do now is hope and pray that things will turn alright for her and her baby. I'm not sure if I need advice, though it's welcome, but mostly I need support. This is really hard for me.
One day she calls me from rehab and tells me she is pregnant. All I could say was, "Oh."
The whole thing was just way too overwhelming for me. She's put her family and friends through a lot being in and out of rehabs and instituions. She was in AA and NA but she never followed through with anything, never took any suggestions, and was constantly in and out of relationships even when she was told that it wasn't time yet.
So I told her I had to go and she started to get angry at me. She asked me who I was with and I told her my sponsor.
She continued to keep trying to talk to me then finally I said, "I gotta go" and just hung up on her.
I feel almost like I'm turning my back on her, but I have to work some stuff out for myself and I cannot let her problems become my problems. My sponsor told me that she'll get me drunk before I get her sober, and I think he's right.
All I can do now is hope and pray that things will turn alright for her and her baby. I'm not sure if I need advice, though it's welcome, but mostly I need support. This is really hard for me.
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Comments
I definitely support your decision and wish you peace.
Thank you for the rapid reply. And you are absolutely right. But still, there's a lot of pain there. We've been friends for a very long time and I love her. But maybe things will turn out ok.
She will have to find her own support, and you can still give her love, encourage her recovery, and wish her all the best.
Not getting caught up in her very powerful issues certainly doesn't mean you cease being her friend or cease loving her. To the contrary I would encourage you to practice metta or loving kindness meditation if you aren't already. One part of metta is the development of equanimity. Equanimity is the '...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change' part of the serenity prayer.
First you have to love yourself and heal your own wounds. Then you will be in a better position to help her without being dragged down by the toxic effects of her problems. If you were to get wrapped up in her issues right now what do you think would happen? Would you ever get around to healing yourself?
Working through your own issues is the most loving thing you can do for her and the world right now. She and many others in the world need healthy, grounded people who have 'been there, done that'. So, become that person first and then help those you can to the extent you can. After that, accept that there is and always will be suffering that you simply cannot do anything about.
I'm certain this has been said to you before, but the biggest load to bear is that
You -
Can't -
Fix -
Her.
I know you'd love to. I'm sure you dearly want to 'make her see sense' and if she had a second head, knock them together.
It really, truly sucks, but if someone else won't take the hand that is proffered, you have to let them find their own way.
It's so painful, isn't it. It almost hurts.
You've got a wonderful heart, and a willing, strong and determined nature, BlackFlag...(maybe we could change your username to Chequered Flag!) but one thing I would personally advise you to do is to look up Idiot Compassion, as opposed to Wise Compassion. Pema Chodron addresses this very issue in her wonderful book "The Places that Scare You".
All the very best with your own progress, and I hope as each day passes you heal and live life to the full.
What you can do is maybe dedicate some practice to her. Say some mantras or sitting meditation and dedicate the merit (good karma) to her and wish that she also receives help.
If she calls again you could explain to her that you don't feel you could help because you are struggling with your own addiction.
I have also found in my experience, when we try carrying the alcoholic instead of carrying the message of spiritual recovery; it keeps the active alkie drinking. Then when you withdraw your attention, it can sometimes have a positive effect in that it gives them a 'shock' and gets them to start doing the things they're meant to do. Sometimes it does anyway.
Either way, your recovery has to come first and once you've recovered, then you start helping others to recover. At present, it's tough, heartbreaking, but there's nothing you can offer this lady.
The Serenity prayer springs to mind.
Greetings from a fellow AAer!
Regards,
Tosh.