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how to explain why not to react negative
being
Veteran
Hey!
I'm trying to think of a way to explain my mother, why complaining is not good for her. I think it's very important, that it would sound simple (not related to Buddhist terms) and also 'not attacking'. I hear her complain about all kinds of different stuff pretty much every day and I want to help her understand, how it's affecting her (and also myself).
I'll try to come up with something myself first:
Every time we react to anything with aversion, be it our thoughts, emotions, feelings or whatever experiences, we make things worse, than they are, because we aren't accepting, what is.
When-ever you feel any negative emotions, try thinking, why are you really feeling those emotions, before you let your mind go into this cycle of "this is bad" or "this should not be". Try understanding, that when you let yourself go into this cycle of denial, you aren't helping yourself nor others, but the opposite.
Try accepting things as they are. Let yourself only think "Is there anything I could do, to make it better?" and if you find no answer, let it go.
If you won't let go, you will only cause misery for yourself and others.
Nothing is inherently bad or wrong, it's only when you yourself make it that.
Thanks in advance,
being
I'm trying to think of a way to explain my mother, why complaining is not good for her. I think it's very important, that it would sound simple (not related to Buddhist terms) and also 'not attacking'. I hear her complain about all kinds of different stuff pretty much every day and I want to help her understand, how it's affecting her (and also myself).
I'll try to come up with something myself first:
Every time we react to anything with aversion, be it our thoughts, emotions, feelings or whatever experiences, we make things worse, than they are, because we aren't accepting, what is.
When-ever you feel any negative emotions, try thinking, why are you really feeling those emotions, before you let your mind go into this cycle of "this is bad" or "this should not be". Try understanding, that when you let yourself go into this cycle of denial, you aren't helping yourself nor others, but the opposite.
Try accepting things as they are. Let yourself only think "Is there anything I could do, to make it better?" and if you find no answer, let it go.
If you won't let go, you will only cause misery for yourself and others.
Nothing is inherently bad or wrong, it's only when you yourself make it that.
Thanks in advance,
being
0
Comments
If you really feel that talking to her will improve things, then try it. Just be sure that you don't have an attachment to the situation turning out the way you desire it to.
Imagine how hard its even having a religion and a lot of background info telling you why its a bad move...you need brainwash more than just 1 talk..
Or she might just get annoyed at you for trying to change her way of thinking. A lot of people use moaning as a barrier to hide behind, they use it as a way of mentally reacting to the cause of their frustration without having to actually put the effort into doing anything to alleviate it.
Brainwash?
:eek:
being,
I think it would be best to keep your opinions of your mother's behavior to yourself. When she complains, perhaps you could give her a hug? Usually people complain when they have distress. Can you say that her complaining as a means of approaching her distress is bad? Do you know where her distress might lead her if she bottles it up?
Complaining isn't bad, its like a temperature gauge that gives off our internal state. What is bad is discursive or divisive talk, lying and the sort. If you notice her complaining about something, give a hand if you can, or some loving support if you can't help the situation directly. Our children don't make good teachers for us, except by example... not through instruction. There are almost always too many relationship land mines to make it effective... even years and years after you've moved out. Unless of course, she asks.
With warmth,
Matt
Let me explain...
If I say, "What you should do is this...", that doesn't sound good; it can make the other person defensive.
But if I say, "Well, in my experience, when I'm upset about something and start finding faults with my fault finding mind then it makes me feel negative and can often lead to me getting angry, so what I try to do is...".
I find this a kinder, gentler way of giving advice.
Anyway, if someone is nagging or moaning about stuff, particularly if it's our partner or Mother, the chances are that it's because they feel undervalued and ineffective. They clean and tidy up after us, they don't feel appreciated - we take them and what they do for granted - and despite the nagging and moaning, we still leave our socks on the floor, which leads to them feeling yet more ineffective and having to moan or nag even more.
And then you come on a Buddhist forum looking for some smarty pants stuff to say to her to stop her from giving you a hard time!!!
So listen to what's being said, make sure you're Mother feels valued, and pick your ruddy socks up after you!
I understand what you are trying to point at and agree with it. I'm not saying, that 'complaining as a means of approaching her distress is bad', but the negative reaction to stuff, that isn't really that important, is unwise. (which causes her complaints)
As you might have read from my own example, I don't want to say to her that "hey, complaining is bad, don't do it", but I want to show her, how reacting with negativity, instead of accepting, will only and only lead to misery.
I know I'm not the saint here and my aversion is towards her constant aversion. But it's unfortunately impossible for me to not develop it, if I hear it from day to day. It could also be, that I just am not that mindful yet. Whatever it is, I'm determined to at least try talking her about it. We get along well and I believe she has the ability to understand, what I will be trying to explain.
And thank you for the "from my point of view" suggestion.
Anyways, after reading through my original post now, I found my example's tone being too 'teaching'. I'm pretty sure I still have to revise it a lot to make it gentle enough.
I think I responded the way I did so you could get some insight in your own experience how difficult it is to deal with things that are bothering us. So you would know what she is up against.
I feel that your own annoyance at her would be an obstacle because she would be feeling rejected by you wouldn't she? Or threatened. I think by first pacifying your own mind but yet not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. The baby would be your wish to help her and the bathwater is your own annoyance.
To work with your own feelings I suggest a meditation practice if not already started and if one is started then experiment with lightening up and cheering up as much as you can manage in meditation. I am not a teacher so I suggest finding the best resources on the web and the best of all would be a living guru.
The next step is to find some way of helping her. I don't think you can approach her as a buddhist teacher because you can't 'walk that walk' yet probably, I mean I can't. Nonetheless we can help others.
I wish I could give better advice about how to overcome complaining. Or a meeting point for you to talk about that subject. Try to have as light a touch as possible and not under too much pressure to 'figure it out'. I suspect that if you are gentle and if you stay with your experience however uncomfortable that it will become clearer and gradually or at times even suddenly you will see how you can relate in a way with your mother that bridges the gap between buddhist and non-buddhist.
But like I say a big part of that is pacifying the annoyance (if you sense some) in your own mind and leaving the compassion remaining.
She does her best; she keeps herself extremely fit and she forces herself to socialise (she's a member of a running club).
But it's not easy living with her at times. She's down, she's angry, she's negative. I've tried years trying to 'fix her'; but nothing has worked; so instead of trying to change her, I've adapted myself to the situation to some extent.
However, for the past two years I've been working a spiritual programme of recovery; she sees me pray, meditate, help others (helping others is a big part of my practise) and she has seen a real change in me. This has interested her.
Recently, I brought a newly sober/clean alcoholic and heroin addict home for dinner. Mrs Tosh felt sorry for him (she just wanted to keep feeding him grub) and she said to him, "I hope you stick at it (AA's spiritual programme of recovery), because it really works. You wouldn't believe the change in him", she said pointing at me.
Now, I also - for the past year - have been doing service for AA, both on a Tuesday and a Thursday which clashes with the days of our nearest Sangha's meditation and Dharma teachings, but I'm due for rotation from this service shortly, so I'll be free to learn more about Buddhism.
I therefore carefully picked my moment, and asked Mrs Tosh if she would accompany me to the Buddhist centre when I go; I said I didn't really want to go alone (which was true; I want her to go with me; not because I'm embarrassed or anything; I think Mrs Tosh would get something out of it too).
She's agreed!
Why don't you interest your Mother by being a good example of a Buddhist, and at some point ask her to accompany you to a Buddhist centre on an introduction to Buddhism course? Try to introduce the idea that you would like her to go with you, because YOU want her company/support, rather than from the angle that it would be good for her. I don't think this is manipulation, it's just a slightly different way of looking at the situation.
It's just an idea!
And thank you, Jeffrey, for your response, was helpful also.
Yes, I have understood, that being a good example myself is the best I can do. And I think it has worked quite often already.
But the thing is, that it's not me, who she's complaining to most of the time. It's the conversations between her and my father and I just happen to hear them often, since we live in the same apartment. :P
It's like... I'm this almost invisible bystander, who just sees it happening, but can't have much influence over it with just the way I act.
My wife is an 'early morning complainer': she wakes in pain and nothing is right. I have noticed that she does it by noticing all the 'lacks': things that are wrong or need to be done at some future time.
When we were first together, I would try to 'cheer her up', only to come to the realisation that it was counter-productive. "Why," I asked myself, "am I trying to jolly or argue her out of it?" And the answer was that it was, largely, for my own comfort, although I could rationalise it. I was quite content to allow her to be cheerful (later in the day) but unaccepting of her morning grumps.
I have, however, found something that seems to help: I draw her attention to something attractive or, even, beautiful: the Amanagawa cherry outside the window, the sounds of a bird, the warmth of the cats. Although she still needs to vent her discomfort, it seems to last a shorter time.