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Feeling ugly
Hi everyone - long time lurker, first time poster here. I do recognise a lot of the posters here from the old buddhachat.org site so hello to anyone who remembers me and hello to everybody who doesn't - I've learnt a lot from all the posts I've read here so I owe you all a big thank you.
So I feel the need to post today because I've been out with some work friends and find myself feeling very low now that I'm home. I'm usually a very quietly happy sort of person and try to bring myself back to mindfulness as often as I remember to during my daily life but the one thing that always makes me struggle with my practice is my feeling of inadequacy about my appearance. As a young-ish (28) girl, I struggle with the feeling that I'm ugly and I find it very hard to let these thoughts appear and cease without clinging on to them with the subsequent feeling of depression that inevitably follows.
I realise that there's nothing I can do about my external appearance and it shouldn't matter to me but I do find it very difficult to remain in a state of equanimity when confronted with unkind people drawing attention to and openly telling me that I'm unattractive. I find it difficult not to feel envious of friends who are lucky enough to be beautiful.
I don't really know what question I'm asking here but just felt the need to unload a little ... so sorry for that. Life just seems to me to be much more difficult if you aren't blessed with external beauty ... or maybe the attention that beautiful people naturally receive isn't the sort of attention I want anyway. I just find it difficult to deal with people actually telling me to my face that I'm ugly. I don't know ... I've probably had way too much to drink and this post probably hasn't made much sense but I've typed it now so I'm going to press "submit" anyway.
Thank you for reading - and apologies for whining about insignificant things.
Metta
So I feel the need to post today because I've been out with some work friends and find myself feeling very low now that I'm home. I'm usually a very quietly happy sort of person and try to bring myself back to mindfulness as often as I remember to during my daily life but the one thing that always makes me struggle with my practice is my feeling of inadequacy about my appearance. As a young-ish (28) girl, I struggle with the feeling that I'm ugly and I find it very hard to let these thoughts appear and cease without clinging on to them with the subsequent feeling of depression that inevitably follows.
I realise that there's nothing I can do about my external appearance and it shouldn't matter to me but I do find it very difficult to remain in a state of equanimity when confronted with unkind people drawing attention to and openly telling me that I'm unattractive. I find it difficult not to feel envious of friends who are lucky enough to be beautiful.
I don't really know what question I'm asking here but just felt the need to unload a little ... so sorry for that. Life just seems to me to be much more difficult if you aren't blessed with external beauty ... or maybe the attention that beautiful people naturally receive isn't the sort of attention I want anyway. I just find it difficult to deal with people actually telling me to my face that I'm ugly. I don't know ... I've probably had way too much to drink and this post probably hasn't made much sense but I've typed it now so I'm going to press "submit" anyway.
Thank you for reading - and apologies for whining about insignificant things.
Metta
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Comments
You've highlighted the importance of knocking around with the right people, people who won't judge you or influence you in feeling low.
I think that everyone has something beautiful about them, but anyway, we're not ornaments even when all the signs point in that direction and it's often how we make people feel more than how we appear.
One way I think is to focus on the positive aspects in our life, to understand that we exaggerate the negative and focus on them instead. This is one major downfall of modern day society.
As I have also said in a previous thread, if we can understand the concept of non self and dependent origination then this would help a lot of this specific problem I think. I am so far away from being happy with myself right now that I can say all of this and am not able to put it into practice. I find it hard sometimes to go outside for a whole day and interact with people, it is that bad.
I too know how you feel, in my teens and early twenties I was very negative about my looks... I was so insecure that I didn't hardly date, had no friends and generally felt worthless. Here's a couple of pictures proving just how ugly I was...
At 17...
And Again at 27...
So, there you see the face of a person who was disgusted with his looks and was frantically insecure about who he was as a person. Now, looking back, I think, my God... where was my head at??? And therein hangs the tale.
The Buddha said, "With our thoughts we make the world, all that we are arises with our thoughts". I'm just as sure, you are a wonderful person. Someone a person would be proud to call a friend, a lover, a soul-mate. You just need to start taking some positive comments on board. Anytime you want some of those, feel free to PM me...
Les
I'm nothing special, yet I'm honest with myself, and have made healthy living and exercise a part of my life not because of how it will make me look but how it makes me feel.
Even 21 years ago, when I had my first date with my wife as she walked to the kitchen to get a beer for me, I looked at her and made the decision that her slightly overweight "problem" would never be an issue. She is a wonderful beautiful woman and I who have also been overweight most of my life up to recently (having lost 70 lbs and maintaining it) decided right then and there to like and love her for the beautiful woman that she is inside and outside.
Medusa I'm sure that you are a beautiful person in many many ways and your honesty and willingness to share your feelings her is one of many signs of the beauty that you posses.
Don't let others judge you by your appearance as I suspect most are simply reflecting their own insecurity and fears about themselves.
You are beautiful and you need to believe that in your heart so you can appreciate and love yourself the way you deserve.
No matter how beautiful a person is (by appearance) we all get old, ill, withered and die. It's who we are inside that will stay fresh and beautiful until we exhale our last breath and even then it is what we do in this life, what we accomplish that will leave beautiful memories of who we were for others to remember.
With lots and lots of metta to you!
Ivan
Ivan,
Any woman who will go to get you a beer, IS A KEEPER!!!!
Les
I guess that was one of many qualities... our first date ended up with us talking until 4am and realizing how much we had in common... flash forward 21 years later, two grown sons, and still the best of friends
The funniest part is that we met in a laundromat when we weren't looking and she was getting ready to move back from NYC to Massachusetts...
Despite our ups and downs over the years we are still very much in love.
Attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder.
What is beauty? What defines beauty? What one person finds attractive may completely repel someone else. It's all about perspective. As others mentioned, if you don't have good feelings towards yourself or your appearance, that comes through more than your actual physical looks.
I don't think it's uncommon to be insecure or feel unattractive with the huge emphasis on conventional measures of beauty - even supermodels struggle with their confidence as they work in an industry with an unattainable standard.
It's interesting to me that you chose the name Medusa. I do hope that the ideas here help you find a way to become more comfortable with yourself.
I think we probably all have bad body/face/hair days when we're convinced we look dreadful. One of the best solutions is to look outwards to others and forget 'self' for a while. There are lots of people out there who might appreciate a little help or even just a friendly smile and a chat. Animals too!
.
hello medusa
firstly, these things are not insignificant because they obviously bother you. feelings of inadequacy are important. i can tell that you are suffering a great deal, my heart goes out to you.
you should realize that anyone who is going to tell you that you are ugly, clearly is not a happy person. perhaps they are more envious of you than you think, or perhaps they are just mean spirited. either way, it is not the actions of a happy and healthy person to make others feel sad for no reason.
and what makes you so sure that life is so much better for your beautiful friends? while you are sitting there thinking, "everything would be so much better if i just looked like HER...", i am willing to bet that your beautiful friends are thinking the exact same thing about someone as well. we're all secretly brimming with insecurities, no matter what anyone says. for years i was convinced i had fat thighs just because a boyfriend of mine called me "thunder thighs". no matter how many people after that told me i didn't, i was always convinced. i think it is human nature to pay attention to the criticisms, but disregard compliments. by doing so, we cause our own suffering. it is silly to remove yourself from the current moment by fantasies of what you believe would make your life complete. all this does is create discontent in the present.
to be perfectly frank, i would rather be unattractive than had to deal with what i have dealt with. objectification is demeaning and irritating. having to leave a job because of a stalker is upsetting. learning that your friends really only want to screw you is depressing. being sexually assaulted is... indescribable. and believing that you somehow caused all of this yourself because of the way you look is very damaging. if it's not for my significant other, i will not dress up or try to make myself "pretty". i used to just wish i was unattractive so everyone would leave me alone. at my job, i don't like attracting clients because i am attractive. i just wish they would take me seriously and not have ulterior motives.
the grass always seems greener on the other side, doesn't it?
As I've gotten toward 50, my mother's genes are expressing themselves and my face, like hers, is starting to drip off my skull. My ears are getting bigger (they get bigger your whole life, btw), and like my dad's they're heading toward my shoulders too. Yes, there are days when I really hate the way I look. But in general I've pretty well tried to ignore it and go on with life. How I look is not who I am. It's just the cover of the book.
Mtns
One thing we learned in advertising early on is that 'beautiful' people are related to good things, like wealth, cleanliness, happiness etc, and average or ugly models are used to portray unhappiness or a need for change.