maybe the strongest attachment

ThailandTom

I am 1 week away from 22 years of age and I have been thinking a lot of my mother. My mum is maybe 9 years older than my dad and I haven't had a close relationship with him anyway. I have gotten over the pain and trouble of not being close to him and am at peace with that now, but often when I come to lay down in bed and try to sleep, I have many thoughts regarding my mother. In recent days I have realised how easily and often the mind remains in the future and past naturally but the notion relating to my mum does get to me. I know it is inevitable that she will soon be gone, she is heading towards mid 50s and time seems to travel faster with each year. I feel sorry for her because she has been so unselfish and caring in her life, been through a highly recognized university with a degree and yet has little to show for it. She is a single parent and struggles, I feel when she does come to die she would not have had a pleasant life

Fletcher

Tom don't dwell on it she could have 30 years left yet which will make you near her age then, how far away does 52 seem to you just now.

SherabDorje

On another thread someone mentioned a question put to Ajahn Brahm (I think- maybe Bhikkhu Bodhi), about, "Are you attached to your mother?", and he replied "Of course! She's my mother!"

So what's attachment got do do with it? She's your mother.

Just be with the feeling. Or better yet, let her know you're thinking about her.

zombiegirl

very similar to the situation with my mother. personally, i don't care too much about my own success in life regarding money and all that, but when i think of my mother... i just think about all of the nice things i would like to do for her and i become disappointed that i am not able. for most of my life she raised me as a single parent as well, working two jobs, i can't even explain the feelings i have when i think about her struggles.

have you talked to your mother about your feelings? i know it can be difficult because these are very powerful feelings, but it might be helpful for you to know how your mother thinks of her life. chances are, she doesn't think of it as a waste or unpleasant. i struggle a lot in my life, but i don't think of it as a waste or unpleasant either. it's just life, you know?

Mountains

My mother is a very successful independent Certified Financial Planner. She didn't even *start* down the road that led her to achieve that (having never even graduated from college) until she was in her mid-50s. She's 77 and still works five days a week! 50s isn't old like it used to be!

Mtns

Glow

SherabDorje wrote: »

On another thread someone mentioned a question put to Ajahn Brahm (I think- maybe Bhikkhu Bodhi), about, "Are you attached to your mother?", and he replied "Of course! She's my mother!"

So what's attachment got do do with it? She's your mother.

Just be with the feeling. Or better yet, let her know you're thinking about her.

lol! That is lovely. :uphand:

Dazzle

Hi TT,

We all have to die one day because of impermanence.

However, I know someone with a mother of 94 who's still lively and active !

Cheer up and enjoy your mother's company in the here and now,and try to relax and let go of the fearfulness and the speculative thoughts.

This meditation video series might be helpful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd7a9Ur2x0o


Kind regards,

Dazzle



.

ThailandTom

thanks a lot dazzle

NamelessRiver

Well, to give another perspective...

I was never too attached to people, even my parents, in the sense that I loved them but I didn't have such thoughts of "what if they died...". I had a decent relationship with my mom and a distant one with my father.

She died when I was 17 (actually 3 days after my birthday). I missed her very much, but as time went by it stoped hurting. I would say it took about 6 months. She was 53 years old and had been sick since she was about 45.

Death happens and its not that big of a deal, specially when you are old enough to take care of yourself. I know it might sound a bit cold but I am being honest.

Underscore

ThailandTom wrote: »

I feel sorry for her because she has been so unselfish and caring in her life, been through a highly recognized university with a degree and yet has little to show for it. She is a single parent and struggles, I feel when she does come to die she would not have had a pleasant life

Why are you sorry, exactly? What would be enough to "show for it", money and a career? Or something else?

Unselfish and caring - sounds like she's lived well.

ThailandTom

You would think so, but tell her that. She has had a lot of stress through making ends meet, through bringing up 2 kids by herself, from being generally anxious all of the time. She is a very anxious person, highly strung and over thinks a lot. My father works in manual labor, yet he has his own business now and left school with 4 qualifications, my mum has a degree from a prestigious university yet she doesn't even own a house or the mortgage on a house.
I feel sorry for adding to her worry, I was a rebel teen who use to go out and take various substances, party, argue etc. I have changed now that I have grown out of that some what, I also live over 6 thousand miles away, but I just feel bad because she deserves to be happy and yet I know she is not. But this is life, you cannot control certain things and there is little point in stressing over them

TransparentEyeball

Tom,

I'm new here, so I hope this response doesn't sound like an intrusion.

As a mother, I hear remorse in your voice. Of course you did things as a teen you look back at now and feel sorry about! You now have a bit of understanding of how your actions affected your mother. Thus, those feelings make some sense.

But what you don't have is that parental understanding that she, more than likely, understands and forgives and loves you. I can promise you that I don't resent any of the phases my children have gone through or will go through as they live their lives and sort out who they are at any given moment. My biggest hope as a parent is that my children will find the ability to have empathy and compassion for others. I hear those qualities in your posts on this thread; your mother was a "success" in my book!

Also, as far as her career. I thought I'd have my PhD by now and have a more prestigious teaching job. But you know what? I'm so happy to have my children right now at this moment instead. I bet your mom feels the same way! The relationship between you two has weathered those hard years and remained in love. What joy! This goal with my children seems more worthy than any degree or career plans I ever imagined.

Now honor your mother by living in the now and trust her path. Trust her ability to do as the moment she is in requires. Trust her to be capable of understanding her choices in life and working with the new ones that will face her. Focus on how you treat and interact with your mother now, and move on.

Peace.

ThailandTom

Thank you very much transparent, it nearly brought a tear to my eye reading what you had written. Mainly because I am between a rock and a hard place right now and this situation does get to me, but you have mentioned a variety of things to contemplate and act upon. It is much appreciated so again, thanks

kurra

Buddhist practice has a common side-effect of gaining a new respect for one's mother. It's true, even traditional teachers have commented on this.

This isn't an unwholesome attachment. Look for ways to make life more pleasant for her.