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loving kindness for those who have hurt you
zombiegirl
beating the drum of the lifelessin a dry wasteland Veteran
hello all, i need help with a very difficult topic for me. i am currently attempting to practice loving kindness meditation. i realize it is probably supposed to be difficult...but for some people, i find it downright impossible.
how can you possibly develop loving kindness for people who have violated or hurt you? i have a history of sexual abuse. i don't wish to go into details, sufficed to say that there have been several incidents from different people which all took place in my adult life. as a result, i have a good deal of fear and trust issues toward most men. it is incredibly difficult to explain the feelings one has after an incident like this. even as a woman, prior to my experience, i never could have imagined how it would and could make me feel. several years have passed since the most recent incident and i have healed by leaps and bounds, however, there are some lingering feelings which i am not sure that i will ever be free of.
when i try to bring loving kindness toward these people, i find it impossible to get past the concept of "the gift of fear". in other words, the fear i have developed will keep me safe another day. how am i to love everyone, when i get nervous when i hear footsteps behind me? how am i supposed to believe in the best of everyone, when several times now... i have learned that people want to hurt me?
i want to love and respect everyone, but i don't want to be ignorant or naive and put myself in danger. how can i balance this?
how can you possibly develop loving kindness for people who have violated or hurt you? i have a history of sexual abuse. i don't wish to go into details, sufficed to say that there have been several incidents from different people which all took place in my adult life. as a result, i have a good deal of fear and trust issues toward most men. it is incredibly difficult to explain the feelings one has after an incident like this. even as a woman, prior to my experience, i never could have imagined how it would and could make me feel. several years have passed since the most recent incident and i have healed by leaps and bounds, however, there are some lingering feelings which i am not sure that i will ever be free of.
when i try to bring loving kindness toward these people, i find it impossible to get past the concept of "the gift of fear". in other words, the fear i have developed will keep me safe another day. how am i to love everyone, when i get nervous when i hear footsteps behind me? how am i supposed to believe in the best of everyone, when several times now... i have learned that people want to hurt me?
i want to love and respect everyone, but i don't want to be ignorant or naive and put myself in danger. how can i balance this?
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Comments
Lovingkindness is really about opening your heart to the experience of the moment, not about sweetness and light for particular individuals, whose existences you have inferred from various experiences. (Not saying the individuals do or don't exist, just that their existence is an inference from experience, so the experience is the foundational place to start with this.) The focus on lovingkindness for individuals can get confusing for this reason.
this sounds like very good advice, but i can't really figure out how i'm supposed to do this. the current metta meditation format i am following goes loosely like, "think of someone whom you love, apply those feelings to someone you are indifferent about, apply those feelings to someone you don't like."
what would the format for a meditation such as you describe go like? i'm quite the n00b on this topic.
wow, this is very interesting and different way to think about it. thank you for this
But in addition to what it says, I think it is important to also reflect on the fact that these enemy "individuals" and their actions are not really "them". In other words, that evil person is not really an evil person deep down, there is a Buddha in there somewhere. If you can look past their body, mind and actions and see their "true nature", it helps a great deal. What kind of people they are and what evil actions they do is ultimately a product of their ignorance. If they did not have this ignorance, they would have never committed these evil acts to begin with. So I wish for them to be free of this ignorance because if that were to happen, they would stop committing evil acts. But in wishing for them to be free of this ignorance you are also wishing them happiness, since that is a natural consequence of being free from ignorance. But like the article says, extending this kindness to "enemies" is the last step of the practice.
I think mindfulness can replace this fear and serve the same purpose, but not without practice.
Perhaps try a different format. Try speaking the words 'may you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering' silently in your head. Start with yourself and after a period of time repeat this toward others.
What I like about this format is it's not necessary to have any positive feelings initially. They develop. It's also possible to be very sincere about this. An enemy wouldn't be an enemy if they weren't suffering. If they weren't suffering they would be happy and well.
The important part of this is to contemplate the meaning of the words in the wish while holding the person in mind.
Give it a try and see if it works better for you. If you give it an honest try and your feelings toward those who have harmed you do not soften even a little bit, at least you were willing to try and that counts for something, doesn't it?
as i said, there were several incidents in question, but really one that stands out as far worse than the others. it is something that i have mostly kept to myself as i've only told a few people. at first, i did the completely tragic thing of blaming myself. but after i got over that, then came the anger... the vindictive and violent fantasies of revenge... but, i realized even that didn't make me feel any better, possibly worse. and now, it is more like a dull ache... still present when i think of it, still painful sometimes, but not completely devastating anymore. i no longer wish ill upon him. i want to stop living life as a victim and the last remnant of my experience is the lack of trust and fear associated with it.
your replies are all so positive that i feel truly relieved. i wasn't sure until now that this is something i could ever fully overcome. i kept thinking, maybe it is impossible to be truly loving for all people when you've suffered such a blow... like i am just too damaged. but now i am hopeful, so thank you everyone. i will start a little slower this time, a little simpler... but i think someday, i can overcome this.
Hopefully just a matter of language, but try not to think of it as something to "overcome." That sets the practice up as a conflict, and rarely leads to peace.
First, I'm very sorry to hear that you were abused sexually. That's absolutely the worst thing I can imagine (and I can't even imagine it). It says a lot about you that you're even trying to find forgiveness and metta toward your abuser(s). Good on ya!
I was involved with someone in a business/friendship relationship once upon a time who ended up taking me to the cleaner, both financially and emotionally. He did and said things that still make me and others cringe to this day. It took a very long time for me to even begin to think about anything but revenge against him. I took every opportunity to run him down to anyone who would listen (and probably some who didn't). I tried my best to do anything I could do to hurt him financially. But in the end he did himself in with his behavior.
What I came to understand was that this person was truly ill - and I mean ill in spirit, ill mentally, and that he lived in misery. His behavior eventually alienated everyone in his personal and business lives, caused a second (VERY bitter) divorce, and the loss of his business. I'm not sure, but I suspect it may have even cost him some jail time and/or the loss of his military pension. While it would have been very easy to enjoy the schadenfreude of his eventual downfall, that all happened about the time I started becoming more aware and interested in the Dharma.
Although it took years (10+), I've come to see more clearly that my actions were hurting me and not him. After I realized that, it became easier to let go of my anger and resentment and to begin (and it was a slow process) to forgive him and wish happiness and healing for him. I've had no contact with him for years, and I have no idea what he's doing nor what his circumstances are now, but I still try to send blessings to him when I think of him, and pray that he finds contentment and happiness. By doing that I hope I'm helping him just a tiny bit to see his circumstances and make them better.
So... it's tough, but it can happen. Just give it plenty of space and plenty of time. Don't "try" to do anything with it, but rather just let it take its own course. With your own work in the Dharma you'll probably find it resolves itself.
Peace my friend,
Mtns
What is underneath the actions of someone who sexually abuses someone else? Fear, loneliness, desperation? At the root of it all and under the callousness they may be looking for acceptance. They may equate this with power over someone but under that are the same emotions all of us feel.
To be able to show compassion for someone who does wrong is not approving of what they did. It is recognizing that we are all one no matter what we have done.
I find it easier to forgive when I look for my similarities to the person who hurt me. Things I do, good as well as bad, stem from these emotions.
This is all good advice and, above all, that healing may take a long time so practise patience (as far as possible).
One of the things that has helped me is the reflect on impermanence and non-self as they apply not just to me and my life but to those who have hurt me too.
Developing a benevolent mind can take us into very strange places, often counter-intuitive - but a spiritual practice is counter-intuitive: it is "peace but not as the world knows peace."
I have noticed that many of my fellow Christians say the Lord's Prayer without noticing the hard bit in the middle: 'remit our debts as we forgive debts owed to us'.
fivebells is very wise when he tells you to start with developing lovingkindness for the emotions you feel.
In Tibetan Buddhism, there is a meditation practice called Tonglen, where you think of others who feel the same fear (or any emotion that you might have), breathe in their fear, and send out feelings of warmth, comfort, and safety to them on your outbreath. This practice generates compassion for others, but also for our own emotions.
Have no worry that this practice will strengthen your own fear ... it has the opposite effect. And once you have lovingkindness for your own feelings, then you can work on visualizing those you hate surrounded by a glow of loving light ... yup, at first you want to snort in derision at the very idea, but after some time (weeks, months), you actually start to feel compassion for them and you also feel your heart become lighter.
As you start to visualize light around them, it helps to remember that they were only trying to be happy in their sad, sick way. Try to see through their action to their inner unhappiness, and have compassion for that. It is always this way: joyful people do not harm, those that harm have something eating at their insides and are never happy.
*nods* thank you for this as well. i'm realizing that part of my problem is that i was simply expecting results too quickly. something i've been carrying around for years can't simply disappear the first few times attempted.
i can't express my gratitude for all those who responded to this topic. when i talk to non-buddhists about it, they only confirm my hatred and even take on some of it themselves. i now realize how hurtful this has been for me.
i'd like to share an interesting revelation i've recently had that i think illuminates how helpful buddhism can be for topics like this...
there was a moment, before he left, that i felt as though he suddenly woke up and realized just what had transpired. i remember seeing a look in his eyes of fear and pain. he did actually apologize to me. he said, "i'm sorry... i know you are a lesbian, i just thought it might feel good." he hugged me before he left.
for a long time i felt so angered at this ending. i thought, how dare he show me his humanity and try to make me feel bad for him? i would have rather that he was just this complete incarnate of evil whom i could hate through and through. he actually left me nearly a hundred dollars on my table before leaving... as if money could help my feelings. his attempt at apology felt like salt on my wound.
but... i later found out he was under the influence of cocaine (fifth precept, anyone?). and even more than that, i now realize that he wasn't evil. his apology was not meant as a last dig to cause me more suffering. he really was sorry. he really did just mess up, horribly. and i'm sure he knew there was no way to ever take this back. as much as i suffered over this, i'm sure he did as well. i never saw him again and neither did anyone else.
in my mind, i have this still shot of the look in his eyes as he left. he really was hurt. i blocked it out for a very long time because i thought to give him sympathy was a bad thing. i felt he was unforgivable. i now realize that holding onto this anger towards him has only hurt me worse. i'm not giving in, i'm not believing his lies... i'm just healing.
wow. this is so weird. as i wrote that, i found myself actually crying... but not because of my pain, like i have for so long... i actually felt sympathy toward him. this was very hard for me to write. i think a part of me still doesn't quite believe it and doesn't want to let go of the anger... the feeling of being wronged. i think i still have a very long way to go, but this is definitely a step in the right direction. i'm shocked that i can feel this way, even for a moment.
Hope this helps.
i appreciate this glow. thank you
i do think that struggle helps us develop compassion and wisdom. my hope is that someday i can help others with similar issues. but first, i need to focus on myself
no, i have not. mostly because of the financial issue involved. i'm not against it, just simply can't afford it.
My best friend is a survivor of severe sexual violence. He sees a therapist once a week and it has helped him a great deal. Sometimes places like the YWCA or other organizations provide low-cost counseling options, so you may want to look around in your area.
I think it could be very beneficial to have a qualified professional help you work through this difficult experience. Meditation can be helpful in dealing with it, but someone with training in sexual abuse can make a world of difference.
Not trying to pressure you into therapy, but I'm just concerned that you are trying to deal with what happened on your own. We will offer our advice and support here with whatever you decide to do.
As a woman who has experienced violence in the past, I sympathise with how you feel.
Meditation helps a lot.
I think also noticing anger when it arises then focusing on the breath... and relaxing and letting go into that eventual calmness, can be helpful.
I suggest reading the info here and trying the meditation:
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm
Also this meditation series with Ajahn Jayasaro is excellent, here's the introductory one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd7a9Ur2x0o
With very best wishes to you,
Dazzle
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The best advice I could give you is that the whole purpose of meditation is practise. To be able to have love towards these people that have hurt you probably won't come just after one sitting. You have time, and it's not like you need to love them tomorrow. Remember your intention behind this, the fact that you want to turn the hatred you feel into a feeling of love. Take it easy on yourself, and don't expect miracles (this is Buddhism after all hehe), practise daily.
I think you are getting there though.. even the thought of wanting to cultivate loving kidness towards them is a step in the right direction.
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"When it is impossible for anger to arise within you, you find no outside enemies anywhere. An outside enemy exists only if there is anger inside." - Lama Zopa Rinpoche<O:p</O:p
What they said is that I have to first realise that there is a person underneath it(the action and behaviour), a person just like myself with the same deserving that I have to life, to survive and to live.
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Basically, melting away and peeling away all the vileness that I see on them in my own thoughts, and feelings and just see the very basic person beneath (not the one doing the action) and then apply loving kindness. This is my loose translation..
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It actually worked for me once.
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But it comes and goes.. some days I just struggle with it and it breaks my concentration.<O:p</O:p
I think though, I may be rushing myself.
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Again, I am so new
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I can easily get distracted with anger for such people even though they are no longer in my life.
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It's sort of like when Ajan Brahm talks about the mosquito and how we all hate them because they eat our blood. He says that to submerse yourself below the initial feeling we have about them and see them as another creature that is just looking for food like we do everyday.<O:p</O:p
i know exactly what you mean. this is what works for me as well. i also try to think of him as a human, just as myself, suffering, just as myself. when i think of him suffering just as i do, i can better connect with magnanimous feelings.
in my case, i really do feel that we both suffer over the incident. maybe not every day, but sometimes. i no longer wish ill upon him and think, "you reap what you sow". sometimes, i get to a place where i truly do feel compassion for him suffering, even though it is over an incident that hurt me so greatly. and in those moments, i feel the lightest. if you know what i mean.
namaste.
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