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Advice for Meditation Resistance
mugzy
Veteran
I am looking for insight about this particular situation. I don't know if meditation "resistance" is the right term to use, but I'm not sure how else to phrase it. My girlfriend refuses to try meditating and seems to be very scared of it. She says that she has a "mental block" towards it and outright refuses to try it at all. I haven't talked to her about it in a while, because I don't want to appear like I'm pressuring her, but she said something about it again today.
I mentioned a book I downloaded for my iPod Kindle by Thich Nhat Hanh about walking meditation, and she seemed a bit interested because she loves walking. She asked what it was all about and I told her it was about walking mindfully. That was all, I didn't go any further in my explanation. She expressed some interest in it, more than she has in the past, but she did restate that she has a mental block towards basic sitting meditation (breathing meditation I guess, and definitely no meditation involving Buddha or other figures). We hadn't talked about it in a while.
She never criticizes my meditation practice, in fact she encourages me and seems to be supportive of my studies. We don't really talk about it much. The last time I asked her what she believes in she gave a fairly agnostic viewpoint, not far from how I feel - there's much we don't understand, we're all interconnected, blah blah blah the universe. She sort of likes earth-based practices that connect with her Celtic heritage, but she's not even that into it.
She doesn't ask me much about what I'm studying, but sometimes she asks about my statues or images of Buddhas, bodhisattvas, etc. I have tried to explain things so they seem less scary; ie explaining that the images are meant to depict different aspects of the enlightened mind, instead of real beings that exist somewhere "outside." Since she doesn't like talking about it I don't really know exactly what the fear is, like if she has misconceptions about Buddhist philosophy or what. I get the sense that it may be connected to the more esoteric aspects of tantra, but I can't say for sure.
I would like to share my meditation practice with her because it has helped me in so many ways, and I think she would benefit as well. I imagine that it would be nice if we could practice together. I just don't want to seem like I'm forcing my beliefs on her because I respect other people's views. I would never want to make someone feel they were being pressured into doing something they weren't comfortable with just because I think it might help them. I don't really know how to bring up the topic without it sounding weird. What can I do?
I mentioned a book I downloaded for my iPod Kindle by Thich Nhat Hanh about walking meditation, and she seemed a bit interested because she loves walking. She asked what it was all about and I told her it was about walking mindfully. That was all, I didn't go any further in my explanation. She expressed some interest in it, more than she has in the past, but she did restate that she has a mental block towards basic sitting meditation (breathing meditation I guess, and definitely no meditation involving Buddha or other figures). We hadn't talked about it in a while.
She never criticizes my meditation practice, in fact she encourages me and seems to be supportive of my studies. We don't really talk about it much. The last time I asked her what she believes in she gave a fairly agnostic viewpoint, not far from how I feel - there's much we don't understand, we're all interconnected, blah blah blah the universe. She sort of likes earth-based practices that connect with her Celtic heritage, but she's not even that into it.
She doesn't ask me much about what I'm studying, but sometimes she asks about my statues or images of Buddhas, bodhisattvas, etc. I have tried to explain things so they seem less scary; ie explaining that the images are meant to depict different aspects of the enlightened mind, instead of real beings that exist somewhere "outside." Since she doesn't like talking about it I don't really know exactly what the fear is, like if she has misconceptions about Buddhist philosophy or what. I get the sense that it may be connected to the more esoteric aspects of tantra, but I can't say for sure.
I would like to share my meditation practice with her because it has helped me in so many ways, and I think she would benefit as well. I imagine that it would be nice if we could practice together. I just don't want to seem like I'm forcing my beliefs on her because I respect other people's views. I would never want to make someone feel they were being pressured into doing something they weren't comfortable with just because I think it might help them. I don't really know how to bring up the topic without it sounding weird. What can I do?
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Comments
Also, learn to listen more and establish more of a rapport before giving advice. (Yes, violating my own advice, here.) You can't give good advice if you don't know what's really going on, and your posts admits that you don't.
If she does this and says it was helpful, at a later date you might mention that what she did was a 'Buddhist' meditation.
If something subtle like that doesn't work then I would just drop it.
My advice would be in paraphrasing others here in "choosing your battles" so to speak. If she expresses an interest in walking meditation then let her have it --the whole kit and kaboodle. Let her read the info, and then offer her other helpful works on walking meditation that you may have. Beyond that, let the matter drop.
Mindfulness comes from within not from outside. If that one work by Thich Nhat Hanh opens her eyes to the reality of your meditation practices then so be it. If not then there truly is nothing you can do to change her mind.
Best wishes to you,:thumbsup:
Nanimo
i don't even try anymore. i just figure that at some point in my practice she will either get a, "whoa, your insight impresses me, maybe there is something to buddhism after all" moment... or... she never will. either way, i'm going to continue to practice.
It's not a Buddhist book, but a book about developing a personal spirituality that makes sense for the individual.
Because it is written by a Buddhist he mentions Buddhist beliefs and practices a lot, but also Christian, Jewish, Hindu and even some Islamic. He does a nice job showing the common threads between all of them.
He goes into the concepts and gives multiple ways to think about things like God, spirit, prayer, meditation, finding meaning etc. All the major stuff 'seekers' seek answers to.
Then he goes into specific practice ideas that one can choose from to assist in building a personal practice full of individualized meaning. He does a nice job covering meditation in a way that is not likely to scare or offend anyone regardless of their spiritual/religious background and he is never even remotely judgmental toward any practice or belief system although at times I did think I was picking up a slight bias against fundamentalist/rigidly dogmatic belief systems.
Anyway, I mention this book as it's probably not a bad one to leave laying around or to give as a gift if someone expresses an interest in spirituality. It's not a book that will convert them to Buddhism, but it is one that will likely melt away at any bias or preconceived notions of what it is. I think the important thing would be to then support whatever choices the person makes rather than trying to get them to adopt the same choices oneself has made.
So she agrees with it all - that's wonderful!
I wrote it with the expectation that she may read it so there's nothing I didn't want her to see, but I felt silly for not being able to talk to her about it. We didn't talk about it much since she was leaving for work and I was going to run errands, but she did say that she wanted to read that book and try walking meditation. She mentioned that her mental block is due to a fear of organized religion. I told her that you didn't need to be Buddhist to meditate, as even I don't identify as such. So I didn't get much else to go on, other than the fact that her fear is of organized religion. Not sure how that translates into a mental block towards meditation, I'll have to think of a skillful way to ask later. Hopefully we can talk more about it and I can post when I know more.
I understand your enthusiasm about sharing what you've found, but you're headed down a difficult path, here. Meditation always takes you somewhere where it hurts more before it hurts less, and you're going to have been the one who introduced her to this process. You don't want to end up being her teacher. It's fundamentally not (shouldn't be) an enjoyable relationship, while romantic relationships are fundamentally about enjoying each other (or they don't last.)
My teacher talks about this in this podcast. (Last of this series.) But I'm speaking from personal experience, here, too.
Shouldn't we be sharing the dharma with others? Even as a sangha, we share our experiences and practices in order to benefit each other. I don't think this puts us in a student-teacher relationship if one says to another "Here is one way to meditate" or "Here are some tips that may help you."
(BTW, I did download the unfettered mind podcast on your recommendation, but haven't had a chance to listen to them yet.)
(Most) Buddhism is not evangelical. It has spread by example, not marketing. There is a tradition in some schools that you don't even talk about it with someone else until they've raised the issue at least three times.
No, but seeking a way around resistance independent of the resistor does.
she agrees with most things that are logical. i was kind of impressed with her because at the time, i was sort of struggling with the no-self concept and she was just kinda like, "duhhh..." but she still doesn't see the benefit in practice. she's confused that everyone doesn't just inherently KNOW these things.
yes, i know. but i can't seem to get her to see the benefit in practice, which is why, like i said, i've just kinda given up.
what exactly is a "mental block"? what does this mean? to me, it seems to say, "i don't want to think about/do this because i've made a decision not to." it seems likely to me that if you explain things to her in a way that seems comfortable and nonthreatening, the "mental block" should dissipate quite naturally. some people have some really odd notions and fears of meditation if they've never experienced it. i've had christians tell me before that meditating is "opening your mind up to satan." :skeptical
I don't know exactly what it is either, but I see what you mean. This is the problem, and it's something I'll have to discuss with her in more detail. To me, it seems like she associates the practice of meditation with being a part of an organized religion (Buddhism) and she doesn't want to become confined by the rules of a particular philosophy. This is just my speculation, I don't know for sure. It's definitely a block based on fear.