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Hi
So after browsing newbuddhist.com over the last few days i have finally decided introduce my self. Well introduction and something i want to discuss, that has me completely confused and annoyed.
I have been looking around the term meditation for quite some time now. Still 100% unsure of how i can concentrate to stay still and just "let go", but hey i'm sure great practice makes perfect. The real reason why i have been interested in meditating is because i guess you could say i am 100% confused with what i want with life. And suffer anxiety issues that always get me depressed. I would stutter when trying to converse with work colleagues and pretty much anyone i try talking to. I'm pretty sure this isn't nothing that severe because of the fact that i can pretty much speak 100% perfectly with close friends.
From what i remember this started to occur during my early years of my last year in school. I could never really get the courage to speak to somebody about it back then. Only since now, since its literally making me 100% depressed everytime it occurs. When out in public i always get abit shakey and always worried about what people might be thinking. I swear people always get the impression that im some weird guy thats high on drugs. The fact that i get people making condescending statments and always talk down to me, just pretty much wants me to sit in a whole and dwell.
I don't know what i want with my life, one minute im interested one subject, i would literally buy 4-5 books and not have the motivation to read them. I was studying a two year course and quit on my last year because of a stupid argument that broke out. Well that and the amount of work i was receiving and this whole anxiety problem. They pretty much just collided into one. So now that im working in a supermarket four days a week i constantly ask my self what i want to do.
I aplogize if this all seems abit out of place, and in the wrong section. I am completely exhausted.
I have been looking around the term meditation for quite some time now. Still 100% unsure of how i can concentrate to stay still and just "let go", but hey i'm sure great practice makes perfect. The real reason why i have been interested in meditating is because i guess you could say i am 100% confused with what i want with life. And suffer anxiety issues that always get me depressed. I would stutter when trying to converse with work colleagues and pretty much anyone i try talking to. I'm pretty sure this isn't nothing that severe because of the fact that i can pretty much speak 100% perfectly with close friends.
From what i remember this started to occur during my early years of my last year in school. I could never really get the courage to speak to somebody about it back then. Only since now, since its literally making me 100% depressed everytime it occurs. When out in public i always get abit shakey and always worried about what people might be thinking. I swear people always get the impression that im some weird guy thats high on drugs. The fact that i get people making condescending statments and always talk down to me, just pretty much wants me to sit in a whole and dwell.
I don't know what i want with my life, one minute im interested one subject, i would literally buy 4-5 books and not have the motivation to read them. I was studying a two year course and quit on my last year because of a stupid argument that broke out. Well that and the amount of work i was receiving and this whole anxiety problem. They pretty much just collided into one. So now that im working in a supermarket four days a week i constantly ask my self what i want to do.
I aplogize if this all seems abit out of place, and in the wrong section. I am completely exhausted.
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Comments
It seems like you lack confidence in yourself, which in turn leads to doubt, confusion and frustration. Would you say this is accurate?
It is pretty normal for young people to have confidence issues. There's nothing wrong with you, adolescence is a confusing and difficult chapter in many (if not all) people's lives. If you can accept that it is normal and that there is nothing wrong with you, this should help relieve most of the burden. Accepting yourself exactly how you are is not something that you can just do over night; it takes time, patience, kindness and gentleness towards all aspects of your life.
I used to be the same way, I had big self-confidence issues and was constantly worrying what other people think about me. Patience, kindness, gentleness were (and still are) the tools I used. Sometimes I would use Ajahn Brahm's mantra ("whoever I am, whatever I have done, the door of my heart is open to me, unconditionally, always") - just thinking this over and over again for days and days. At first it seemed forced and false, but eventually I started to believe it and then it became true.
You don't have to make yourself a "better" person, you don't have to stop stuttering, you don't have to have a wide circle of friends who think you are smart, funny, good looking or any of that...all you need to do is become more accepting of yourself right now, exactly as you are. You're not perfect, no one is, but that's just fine.
Another useful tool is not to take yourself too seriously, even learn to laugh at yourself. Another one of Ajahn Brahm's tricks is to stand in front of a mirror, every morning when you first get out of bed, and to use both index fingers to push the corners of your mouth up as high as you can to make a goofy looking smile. Hopefully if you do it right you will look ridiculous enough that you will be able to smile or laugh at yourself without the index fingers. Keep practicing every morning for 10 seconds each day for a year and see what happens.
I would highly recommend checking out Ajahn Brahm's youtube channel, a lot of his talks deal with issues of self-confidence: http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA
With Metta,
Guy
You have walked a path for a long time and gotten to it's end. You find it unsatisfactory. It's not what you were looking for. It's not what you had hoped you would find. You *know* there is something more 'out there', but want a pointer in the right direction.
You have tried various directions, but not found them to lead where you wanted, is that more or less correct?
If so the good news is there is a well traveled path and it's well illuminated so you won't stumble (8 fold path). It even has warning signs (5 precepts) that let you know when you are about to venture off the path that leads to where you wish to get.
The bad news is I can't tell you what you want with your life. I can't tell you what subject is worth studying and what subject is not. I can't tell you what to spend your money on and I can't tell you what you want to do with your time. The good news is that you already have the answers, they are just hidden from you. You find them by studying the 8 fold path and then living them to the best of your present ability. You live them while continuing to study them and meditating. Over time your intellectual knowledge of the path will grow as will your experiential, intuitive awareness of what steps are stable and which are unstable.
You just follow that path while taking care to be mindful of the detours on the path that other travelers have left warning signs for saying 'this is not the way'. That's the 5 precepts, as you presently understand and relate to them.
Walk the path, be mindful of the tempting distractions where fellow travelers have left warning signs saying 'this is not the path' and put one foot in front of the other over and over. I have nothing else for you.
Congratulations! I'm not 100% sure about anything, ever! Way to go!
Mtns
Thank you for the quick responses and the positive feedback. I have began to use some of the methods posted here that tend to relieve stress and generally make you feel better about your self. E.g. i used one of the methods mentioned by GuyC. When working a delivery yesterday i dropped an entire box of salad packs, which at that point no body noticed (thankfully) I didn't think anything of it and just laughed at my self for doing it. Pretty much just made me feel better about the whole situation. I have also started to watch Ajahn Brahm's speeches listed http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA. Must say he does tend to go on quite abit :P
Again though, thank you for the quick responses and positive feedback.
regards,
JL
That sounds like it might be social anxiety. It's not uncommon, and it does manifest differently for different people. I'm not a psych, but I do have to deal with social anxiety myself - but the good news is that a good meditation practice probably will benefit you!
I'm 32 and still don't know what I want to do! I want to be a cartoon artist, design clothing, have a bookbinding business, run a 2 acre microfarm, do this, do that - and that's just this week! It really isn't as big of a deal as you might tend to think it is. (Anxiety makes everything look big and scary!) I'm starting on my bachelor's in psychology this fall, and while I'm okay with doing that, it'll probably change, and I'm okay with that too.
Is your 'not knowing what to do' a case of not being able to pick because of the options available, or is it because you have a small number of things you'd like but you don't want to settle in to one thing out of a fear of losing out on something else?
I don't think it's either the wrong place or the wrong section for this post - you find your help where you need it.
I'm still learning too, but if 'busy mind' is what's bothering you about your meditation practice, I don't think fighting it and stressing about it is going to be very helpful; I know it isn't for me.
Jali
A warm welcome JewelLotus, beautiful name by the way.
Best wishes,
Abu
Sometimes in meditation, stress is not relieved -- but experienced -- but if you are interested in genuine Buddhist practice, this is not a problem.
As to the 'self' that is also another investigation altogether.
Again. Good Luck and best wishes.
Enjoy your stay here, some nice folk around
Wow Ajahn Brahm is real good
Thanks for sharing.
It sounds like you are very familiar with the 1st Nobel Truth.
But aren't we all.
Through meditation it is possible to quiet down and see.
Grasping, aversion, and delusion.
Illusions we create in our minds.
Experience is just experience until be grab onto of it and make it part of our story.