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Is this common?
First hello to all of you of this forum, this is my first time on this forum so let me introduce myself. My name is Pedro Nekonatulo, I'm 25 years old and live in Europe.
I have been familiar with Buddhist teaching for about 1,5 year now and because I see value for myself in it, I try to apply it to my life.
If there was an opportunity for it, I would take up the life of a monk in a monastry (I would want to do that for a year) to spend a time learning there. Since there is little opportunity for that, I have made the decision of trying to "live as a monk". I live in a city, have a full-time job and rent a room to live in. But in the time I am not working I am trying to live a "monks life" (so to call it) in the best way that I can do.
I would like to give money, luxury and comfort only a small and little place in my life. No more than is necessary, because I want to live my life simple, just like you would in a monastery.
I will tell you a bit about my life, and my feelings toward it. Maybe there are some of you who can relate, or some that can give me advise, or some that just want to make a comment about it. I am looking forward to any comments at all, and all comments that you make will be highly appreciated.
So I live in a "shared apartment", which I share with 4 other strangers. The building is old, all 4 house-mates are smokers and the house and my room smell like cigarettes often, which I don't like. In the summer it's too hot in the room. It's on the attic, really small (7 m2) and it can get up to 45 Celcius in the summer here in this room. It's too small here to put in any furniture, so I have none, just a mattress on the floor, and the room is now almost full. It's just a blank room here. Maybe people would even doubt that I'd be living here if they came to visit.
It's difficult to find another room in the city where I live, other rooms that would have some better conditions are often very expensive. Most "shared apartments" are often shared with noisy and loud students, but this apartment it is always very, very quiet, so I chose to stay here because it's a good place for meditation here because of the quiet environment here.
Entertainment is something I am trying to keep at a minimum. I never watch tv, avoid watching movies, I stopped listening to music. In a monastry I wouldn't have a tv and also no music, so I chose to have none too for now.
When I am home I will do reading, meditation and running outside for health. I don't have much friends, since in the weekends I don't want to go to "places of entertainment", for I would not do so in a monastry.
I try to eat simple too, just eat for nutrition. I never cook meals, for 5 months, I have not eaten 1 warm meal at all. Mostly I eat bread, cheese, dried rice crackers, and of course fruit and vegetables for vitamins. (health is very important) and I drink normally only water and tea. No coca cola, no alcohol, or other good tasting drinks, for I wouldn't do so in a monastry.
I have gotten used to this, and appreciate the food that I eat and the water that I drink.
Laundry I do just in a bucket with water and soap, I don't have a car, I will either walk (anything up to 4 kilometers, I am never in a hurry) or take public transportation.
But you know, there are days that I feel very content with my simple lifestyle. On those days I even enjoy it, it makes me feel free and calm. They make me feel that what I am doing has a purpose, that it's useful to live this simple, for it makes my mind clear. Those days I am thankful that I am able to live this simple, because I am not stressed by responsibilities, I don't have debts to worry about, no children to take care of, etc. Just a live I can use in a good, peaceful way with a lot of time for me to ponder about things in solitary.
But there is also the other side.. Some days I feel very empty. Those days, I come back home, look at this empty room, at the cold, empty walls, and then I am left by a feeling that is yearning for a richer life than this simple existence that I am living now. Then on my way home from work I pass by houses where I can smell the most wonderful food coming from their kitchen, and then I am started to feel down when I think of the cold, simple food that I will eat that evening.
Or another time when I am meeting up with a friend and he shows me his new car, his new big, HD television with his new PlayStation 3, his big, comfortable couch, in his good looking apartment. On such moments, I am thinking:
"I work a fulltime, good paid job, I barely spend any money on my living expenses, the money that I earn I put on my saving account and if I would want I can get the same stuff as he has. Because I am fortunate to have a job that financially allows me to get the same stuff as he has."
But even though sometime I feel down about living this simple life, then I will think about the moments where I so much appreciate my simple lifestyle. Because I would like to live for 1 year in a monastry, I have decided to live this simple for 1 year. So far I am in it for 5 months already, and I want to make the entire year.
Some moments I appreciate and enjoy this lifestyle of simplicity and then I feel it's easy to continue like this for another 7 months, and those moments I am even thinking "I don't want to quit this nice, simple, peaceful life", I will want to continue maybe even 2 or 3 years more like this.
But another moment, I am thinking of quiting this simplicity and giving in to my desires.
Now the thing that is on my mind, is this something common that people have. For example, maybe you have heard of people who have taken up a life in a monastry (or something similar like me if you live in a city). Is it common for monks to have this train of thoughts like I have? Like a monk would think "now I am appreciating being a monk" and then another moment he would think "why am I bothering to be a monk, what's the use, I only have 1 life, I better have a regular life with more comfort and enjoyment"
I heard that monks are not allowed to touch women their hand, for it would distract them. I can imagine that it is easier to live as a monk if you don't have distractions, so I can imagine why they avoid any physical contact with a woman at all.
But here I am living in a city with the distraction of everything: luxury, good smelling food, cars, entertainment, etc.
I think it's easier to live like a monk somewhere in a solitary place, than in a big city. Maybe monks who live in a monastry that is located in a big city are more likely to have the same thoughts as I have?
Of course I have heard about the middle way. Between living too simple and living too luxurious. But monks live very simple, and I have made a commitment to myself to follow their lifestyle for as much as I can while living in a city for at least 1 year, and because of that I will continue like this for the next 7 months.
After those 7 months I will decide how to continue, but for now it's a great experience and I already have gotten many benefits of this lifestyle in the last 5 months. I already have learned a lot about myself, about life, about desire and much other things. There are moments (often during meditation) where I feel that I am very very rich, because of that I am healthy, that I don't suffer from hunger, that I have a room that protects me from the weather outside and that I am able to follow this lifestyle and use much time for learning and exploring my mind and thoughts.
It's really difficult for me to find people to relate with on this subject, and any opinions or experiences will be highly appreciated... So thank you very much for reading this far, and I am looking forward to hearing from you.
I have been familiar with Buddhist teaching for about 1,5 year now and because I see value for myself in it, I try to apply it to my life.
If there was an opportunity for it, I would take up the life of a monk in a monastry (I would want to do that for a year) to spend a time learning there. Since there is little opportunity for that, I have made the decision of trying to "live as a monk". I live in a city, have a full-time job and rent a room to live in. But in the time I am not working I am trying to live a "monks life" (so to call it) in the best way that I can do.
I would like to give money, luxury and comfort only a small and little place in my life. No more than is necessary, because I want to live my life simple, just like you would in a monastery.
I will tell you a bit about my life, and my feelings toward it. Maybe there are some of you who can relate, or some that can give me advise, or some that just want to make a comment about it. I am looking forward to any comments at all, and all comments that you make will be highly appreciated.
So I live in a "shared apartment", which I share with 4 other strangers. The building is old, all 4 house-mates are smokers and the house and my room smell like cigarettes often, which I don't like. In the summer it's too hot in the room. It's on the attic, really small (7 m2) and it can get up to 45 Celcius in the summer here in this room. It's too small here to put in any furniture, so I have none, just a mattress on the floor, and the room is now almost full. It's just a blank room here. Maybe people would even doubt that I'd be living here if they came to visit.
It's difficult to find another room in the city where I live, other rooms that would have some better conditions are often very expensive. Most "shared apartments" are often shared with noisy and loud students, but this apartment it is always very, very quiet, so I chose to stay here because it's a good place for meditation here because of the quiet environment here.
Entertainment is something I am trying to keep at a minimum. I never watch tv, avoid watching movies, I stopped listening to music. In a monastry I wouldn't have a tv and also no music, so I chose to have none too for now.
When I am home I will do reading, meditation and running outside for health. I don't have much friends, since in the weekends I don't want to go to "places of entertainment", for I would not do so in a monastry.
I try to eat simple too, just eat for nutrition. I never cook meals, for 5 months, I have not eaten 1 warm meal at all. Mostly I eat bread, cheese, dried rice crackers, and of course fruit and vegetables for vitamins. (health is very important) and I drink normally only water and tea. No coca cola, no alcohol, or other good tasting drinks, for I wouldn't do so in a monastry.
I have gotten used to this, and appreciate the food that I eat and the water that I drink.
Laundry I do just in a bucket with water and soap, I don't have a car, I will either walk (anything up to 4 kilometers, I am never in a hurry) or take public transportation.
But you know, there are days that I feel very content with my simple lifestyle. On those days I even enjoy it, it makes me feel free and calm. They make me feel that what I am doing has a purpose, that it's useful to live this simple, for it makes my mind clear. Those days I am thankful that I am able to live this simple, because I am not stressed by responsibilities, I don't have debts to worry about, no children to take care of, etc. Just a live I can use in a good, peaceful way with a lot of time for me to ponder about things in solitary.
But there is also the other side.. Some days I feel very empty. Those days, I come back home, look at this empty room, at the cold, empty walls, and then I am left by a feeling that is yearning for a richer life than this simple existence that I am living now. Then on my way home from work I pass by houses where I can smell the most wonderful food coming from their kitchen, and then I am started to feel down when I think of the cold, simple food that I will eat that evening.
Or another time when I am meeting up with a friend and he shows me his new car, his new big, HD television with his new PlayStation 3, his big, comfortable couch, in his good looking apartment. On such moments, I am thinking:
"I work a fulltime, good paid job, I barely spend any money on my living expenses, the money that I earn I put on my saving account and if I would want I can get the same stuff as he has. Because I am fortunate to have a job that financially allows me to get the same stuff as he has."
But even though sometime I feel down about living this simple life, then I will think about the moments where I so much appreciate my simple lifestyle. Because I would like to live for 1 year in a monastry, I have decided to live this simple for 1 year. So far I am in it for 5 months already, and I want to make the entire year.
Some moments I appreciate and enjoy this lifestyle of simplicity and then I feel it's easy to continue like this for another 7 months, and those moments I am even thinking "I don't want to quit this nice, simple, peaceful life", I will want to continue maybe even 2 or 3 years more like this.
But another moment, I am thinking of quiting this simplicity and giving in to my desires.
Now the thing that is on my mind, is this something common that people have. For example, maybe you have heard of people who have taken up a life in a monastry (or something similar like me if you live in a city). Is it common for monks to have this train of thoughts like I have? Like a monk would think "now I am appreciating being a monk" and then another moment he would think "why am I bothering to be a monk, what's the use, I only have 1 life, I better have a regular life with more comfort and enjoyment"
I heard that monks are not allowed to touch women their hand, for it would distract them. I can imagine that it is easier to live as a monk if you don't have distractions, so I can imagine why they avoid any physical contact with a woman at all.
But here I am living in a city with the distraction of everything: luxury, good smelling food, cars, entertainment, etc.
I think it's easier to live like a monk somewhere in a solitary place, than in a big city. Maybe monks who live in a monastry that is located in a big city are more likely to have the same thoughts as I have?
Of course I have heard about the middle way. Between living too simple and living too luxurious. But monks live very simple, and I have made a commitment to myself to follow their lifestyle for as much as I can while living in a city for at least 1 year, and because of that I will continue like this for the next 7 months.
After those 7 months I will decide how to continue, but for now it's a great experience and I already have gotten many benefits of this lifestyle in the last 5 months. I already have learned a lot about myself, about life, about desire and much other things. There are moments (often during meditation) where I feel that I am very very rich, because of that I am healthy, that I don't suffer from hunger, that I have a room that protects me from the weather outside and that I am able to follow this lifestyle and use much time for learning and exploring my mind and thoughts.
It's really difficult for me to find people to relate with on this subject, and any opinions or experiences will be highly appreciated... So thank you very much for reading this far, and I am looking forward to hearing from you.
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Comments
Have you ruled out monasteries in various Asian countries?
As to your actual question, yes - it surely must be common. Monks are human and therefore susceptible to doubt. If those thoughts start to take over, the monk may quit monastic life. I'm sure it's more difficult without the support of a teacher or a community.
Like you, I see the value in a simple lifestyle. It can be wholesome and fulfilling in a way that all the finest entertainment and sensory pleasures of the modern world couldn't accomplish. Doing it in a city seems suboptimal, however.
But i think that you would be wiser to simply go to Asia (or somewhere else in Europe...wherever the closest monastery of your tradition is) and join a monastery.
One reason is that you are missing one of the three Jewels ...namely a Sangha.
Humans simply are social animals. I think living a simple life is a beautiful thing, but what you describe also sounds very lonely and lacking support from others on the path.
A friend of mine is from the Soto Zen tradition, but he has been coming to our Shin Temple for a couple years partly because we are closer to where he lives than the nearest Zen temple, but also he found he prefered the atmosphere of our Temple.
None the less in April of this year, he simply packed up and moved to Japan to practice as a monk in a Zen Temple. He doesn't speak Japanese, and he will have to return periodically because of immigration laws, but still, he had the courage and commitment to just go ahead and do it.
Even with the language difficulties, I think it might be a better approach than what you are trying, because you would have the support of other monks and a teacher.
Really....it's just a plane ticket away.
I would definitely not recommend it if you have no sitting practice of your own. I've been doing it for 6 years or so now, and the immense pain of sitting that long for that many days in a row was nearly unbearable. Had I not had the previous practice, I have no doubt I would have left a few days into it.
From what I understand, 3:00 AM wake up isn't normal among most Buddhist traditions, 4:30AM is. but you'll still be doing that 7 days a week. and you'll have very little control over what you can or can't do.
If this sounds discouraging, good. it should be. in my own lineage, you've got a better chance of being a navy SEAL, or an army ranger than making it 6 months in a temple (to become an actual monk, you go through a 6 month training period. some 90% of the people don't finish). know what you're getting yourself into.