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Emotions, and lack thereof...
Hey guys, just registered, first posting on this board.
Just wanted to cast something out there and see what kind of replies or maybe similar stories I can get in return.
I'm a 21 year old college student living in North Texas. I've always had problems with my emotional and mental self since I can remember. I grew up under bad circumstances, my parents weren't around due to their involvement in seedy activities and substance abuse. I'm not angry at them anymore now that I realize their own problems kept them from being the parents they should have been. I think now, that they did the best that they could. Regardless, growing up with them was awful. In the younger years my father was very abusive, and then around the age of 9 he disappeared. My sister and I lived with my mom after he left, but it didn't pick up after that. My mother didn't take well to being a single parent, and drugs and a severe gambling problem took over her and every cent that she brought in (which she still struggles with). Nobody was ever around, my sister was older than I was so she was always out with her friends. I essentially grew up by myself, and was forced to have the mindset of an adult from a very young age so that I could survive. Sometimes there was food in the house, sometimes not. Sister was out almost every night at friends houses and mom would come home from the casino once a week max.
Fast forwarding through my escape from that situation and the stress that it brought, I have to say that I am now generally "depressed", or rather that I have lost the drive and enjoyment in life. I'm not necessarily sad or down, but I feel apathy for almost everything. Friends, family, my life, my future and my past. It just all feels like one incredibly long moment that might or might not end, with no real notable consequence. I feel like I must be, or have been a very bad person in this world who deserves everything bad that's ever happened to me, and that there must be a reason why things in my past were so bad and continues to be so hard now. It's been a long time since I accomplished anything real or have been truly happy.
I have limited capacity to feel and/or express any emotions that I do have. I have difficulty feeling compassion for others, compassion for myself and an outright drive to wake up and enjoy my life. Where I live, I have no direct access to a teacher or spiritual guide, and I'm not sure where to turn now. I would like to change these things but I don't know how. I don't know how to make myself feel emotional about myself or existence again. I've grown tired of feeling dead on the inside, and simply existing as a shell. There is certain application for my detached logic and mindset, but I feel like I need to know what everybody else feels. I need to be able to feel TRUE compassion as defined by the Buddha Dharma
Sorry for the maybe too long post, but I think about this every day and just wonder why...why anything?
Any comments or concerns are greatly appreciated...
-Rob
Just wanted to cast something out there and see what kind of replies or maybe similar stories I can get in return.
I'm a 21 year old college student living in North Texas. I've always had problems with my emotional and mental self since I can remember. I grew up under bad circumstances, my parents weren't around due to their involvement in seedy activities and substance abuse. I'm not angry at them anymore now that I realize their own problems kept them from being the parents they should have been. I think now, that they did the best that they could. Regardless, growing up with them was awful. In the younger years my father was very abusive, and then around the age of 9 he disappeared. My sister and I lived with my mom after he left, but it didn't pick up after that. My mother didn't take well to being a single parent, and drugs and a severe gambling problem took over her and every cent that she brought in (which she still struggles with). Nobody was ever around, my sister was older than I was so she was always out with her friends. I essentially grew up by myself, and was forced to have the mindset of an adult from a very young age so that I could survive. Sometimes there was food in the house, sometimes not. Sister was out almost every night at friends houses and mom would come home from the casino once a week max.
Fast forwarding through my escape from that situation and the stress that it brought, I have to say that I am now generally "depressed", or rather that I have lost the drive and enjoyment in life. I'm not necessarily sad or down, but I feel apathy for almost everything. Friends, family, my life, my future and my past. It just all feels like one incredibly long moment that might or might not end, with no real notable consequence. I feel like I must be, or have been a very bad person in this world who deserves everything bad that's ever happened to me, and that there must be a reason why things in my past were so bad and continues to be so hard now. It's been a long time since I accomplished anything real or have been truly happy.
I have limited capacity to feel and/or express any emotions that I do have. I have difficulty feeling compassion for others, compassion for myself and an outright drive to wake up and enjoy my life. Where I live, I have no direct access to a teacher or spiritual guide, and I'm not sure where to turn now. I would like to change these things but I don't know how. I don't know how to make myself feel emotional about myself or existence again. I've grown tired of feeling dead on the inside, and simply existing as a shell. There is certain application for my detached logic and mindset, but I feel like I need to know what everybody else feels. I need to be able to feel TRUE compassion as defined by the Buddha Dharma
Sorry for the maybe too long post, but I think about this every day and just wonder why...why anything?
Any comments or concerns are greatly appreciated...
-Rob
0
Comments
Something I find helps when I'm feeling down is to go for a long walk in the countryside, not only does the exercise help physically with the chemicals that cause depressing feelings, but if it's a nice day the blue sky as well as the sights and sounds of animals and plants almost always cheer me up. Plus, if you find a nice place to sit down you could try listening meditation, which is when you focus your attention on the sounds around you instead of your breath.
As for compassion, people-watch. Observe everyone around you, their emotional states, how they react to things. See the effect of their suffering minds in everyday existence, relate their experiences to your own. I'm sure that gradually you'll build an empathy with others again.
i second this.
i think what you describe sounds similar to extreme depression i have experienced in my past. when depressed, it is hard to feel anything. hard to feel compassion for others, or even myself.
my depression is not chemical and i have experienced relief when i remind myself that it is a choice to be depressed. really. i CHOOSE to feel this way. some days i triumph and say, "no, i will not continue to suffer. i want to be happy." some days i wallow and just feel like, "everything sucks. what's the point?" i don't always win, but most of the time i do. for a long time i let the external take hold of my life. i relied on relationships and jobs to make me happy, and they never did, they always disappointed. it wasn't until i said, "screw that, i WANT to be happy! i WILL be happy!" that i began to be. i began to realize that happiness does not exist anywhere outside of me. and the funny thing is, when i'm happy, my life seems less crappy too, haha. if it's not chemical, then it's all in your hands. you have the power to be happy. remember this.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I think, basically, your system is still in shock, and you've never recovered from your ordeal and exposure to such a dysfunctional, disjointed and distressing upbringing. if it can even be called that.
In all honesty, I would refer yourself to your doctor, and ask for assistance.
iot's there, there's no shame or stigma and I think you would benefit from professional counselling and support.
That said, I'm very pleased you found this forum, and that furthermore you decided to join.
We have several members who have also experienced mentally challenging situations, and I know a couple are in therapy, and on medication.
I invite and advise you to stick around.
Please, see a therapist.
I think you need and deserve all the assistance you can get, and it's the right time to do it, if you've noticed how it's affecting your general outlook.
Please take care of yourself, and feel free to post whatever and whenever you feel....
Your obvious interest in Buddhism is probably one of your biggest advantages. Most people don't have that at their disposal. There are lots and lots of folks on this forum who can offer you some really great advice, so please feel free to utilize the forum to its fullest.
I certainly wish you the best. Please let us know how you're doing. I know it sounds trite, but you *can* beat this and life can be good again!
Peace,
Mtns
I never considered it to be a PTSD issue, but it does all add up and make sense, particularly with all the stressful things that have happened very recently. I called the university psych department, and they have a sliding scale counseling program out of the graduate department. I don't have health insurance or much cash to spend, but my sessions are only $12 each, so that's awesome. They also have great referrals to other clinic specialists at low cost and (if needed) psych meds. I will go in for my initial appointment in 2 weeks, so that's an awesome relief to have. I don't know why I didn't seek help earlier, I guess I just figured I could manage it on my own.
I am at least excited for the prospect of change, and hopefully I will be able to fix things. Thanks again guys, I will definitely keep you all updated on how things are going =]
i am very happy to hear this. i had a friend of mine who worked as a counselor during her upper grad. she was positively inspirational in her compassion. i hope you find the same
Boy, I've sure never heard THAT one before! NOT!
I'm so happy for you Rob. I'm amazed that a university clinic charges you for mental health services. Gotta love America.
Just know that simply because someone has some letters behind their name does NOT make them a good therapist however. If you don't connect with someone, try someone else. Not saying you have to agree with everything they tell you, but you really do need to feel a connection with a therapist to get much out of it (at least in my experience). I've seen some REAL duds in my time. Give them a chance, but if it's not there, move on. Any true professional in the field will understand, and probably even give you a referral. Also, I've found that often LCSWs (licensed clinical social workers) or certified counselors are just as good, if not better than psychologists or psychiatrists. I'm not a big fan of MD psychiatrists in general. They're good at writing prescriptions, but not so good at counseling in my experience. There are good ones of every stripe, but be picky...
I sure wish you the best...
Mtns
session next week...almost kindof excited about going. yay.
Best of luck with it!
Peace my friend...
Mtns