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Need advice please...............
Dazza
Explorer
Hi everyone,
I was after some advice from you helpful people
A year ago my wife and I started attending a Christian church. It was very friendly and we got quite involved and made lots of new friends.
I got to know the minister very well and consider him a friend now.
By the 3rd month I had read the bible and by that time I found god. I told everyone at the church and they welcomed me in as a Christian.
The problem is the more I studied Christianity and the bible through books and the internet, the more I was unconvinced. I had too many questions and it just didn't fit. I felt disillusioned and nothing made sense any-more. This was at about 8 months.
At that point my mind was opened up to religion & that's when I discovered Buddhism. Buddhism to me fits perfectly with my understanding & it makes perfect sense to me. I could never be without it now. Buddha is my refuge.
The problem is my wife is still very much involved with the church. For the last 4 months I have made excuses to not go to church. If I do go I pretend to everyone that I am still interested. My wife knows how I feel and she is put in an awkward situation every time I don't turn up and gets asked questions.
The minister is trying to get me more involved with the church and is trying to encourage me. But the problem is that, I want to say, but I don't want to feel like I have let him down. As it is only a small church, the minister has spent alot of time with me, helping me through things, giving me new opportunities to do things, offered to go away with his family and helping my family. We had spoke for hours and hours about god and my new found Christian religion. He comes round my house if I don't go to church to check that things are OK with me. The community spirit within the church is great.
I feel very guilty and I don't want to break up the relationship I have built up with the minister and other people there. And it will probably affect my wife's relationships too.
I guess you can say I don't have the guts to say anything about how I feel.
Just wondered from a Buddhist point of view how you would approach this situation?
It is causing me suffering so I should say and get it off my chest but then I will upset others and let them all down.
I would be grateful for any advice. Thanks :thumbsup:
I was after some advice from you helpful people
A year ago my wife and I started attending a Christian church. It was very friendly and we got quite involved and made lots of new friends.
I got to know the minister very well and consider him a friend now.
By the 3rd month I had read the bible and by that time I found god. I told everyone at the church and they welcomed me in as a Christian.
The problem is the more I studied Christianity and the bible through books and the internet, the more I was unconvinced. I had too many questions and it just didn't fit. I felt disillusioned and nothing made sense any-more. This was at about 8 months.
At that point my mind was opened up to religion & that's when I discovered Buddhism. Buddhism to me fits perfectly with my understanding & it makes perfect sense to me. I could never be without it now. Buddha is my refuge.
The problem is my wife is still very much involved with the church. For the last 4 months I have made excuses to not go to church. If I do go I pretend to everyone that I am still interested. My wife knows how I feel and she is put in an awkward situation every time I don't turn up and gets asked questions.
The minister is trying to get me more involved with the church and is trying to encourage me. But the problem is that, I want to say, but I don't want to feel like I have let him down. As it is only a small church, the minister has spent alot of time with me, helping me through things, giving me new opportunities to do things, offered to go away with his family and helping my family. We had spoke for hours and hours about god and my new found Christian religion. He comes round my house if I don't go to church to check that things are OK with me. The community spirit within the church is great.
I feel very guilty and I don't want to break up the relationship I have built up with the minister and other people there. And it will probably affect my wife's relationships too.
I guess you can say I don't have the guts to say anything about how I feel.
Just wondered from a Buddhist point of view how you would approach this situation?
It is causing me suffering so I should say and get it off my chest but then I will upset others and let them all down.
I would be grateful for any advice. Thanks :thumbsup:
0
Comments
It might be tough and some people might not like what you are feeling and doing but honestly there is no reason why you all shouldnt still be able to maintain healthy relationships because you are interested in Buddhism.
All you can really do is be open and kind.
If you feel like a fraud then tell the minister of your doubts and ask him if he would mind you staying with the Church. If he does mind then the problem is with him, not you and so you shouldn't feel bad.
I think you will find that although you are more distant than the firm believer if you offer your friendship as a non-believer that the christians by and large will still be able to be civil and even friendship.
But there will be some emotional tension at some level even still probably. Sort of like you are a foreigner and it is a high energy relationship. Relating to that emotionality will be a good place for you to practice with strong emotion. Do you meditate? If not then I recommend a meditation practice starting. The tools you learn to transform a negative emotion to a positive one would apply to this situation. Likewise if you do not know how to transform the emotion to just relax in the situation and rest or sit with the discomfort or tension rather than escalate it to panic will go a long way.
This is an opportunity for you to get involved in 'engaged buddhism'. Like everyone says I recommend honesty, but you needn't go out of your way to controvert or threaten christian beliefs (if you want a peaceful relationship to the community).
I wonder if you aware how you have accepted 'guilt'? If you accept what this fleeting world offers then you will surely suffer.
As I live q couple of hundred miles from the nearest Buddhist centre, I too go to a Christian church more for community service than to get any spiritual learning.
I have been in such kind of situation before... to tear away from the group dynamic and also when people have been so kind is really difficult. There is no easy answer. What i did in the past was to harden my resolve and make the break, while trusting that this will be better in the long-run. For me, it worked very well. But everyone's situation is different.
I think you need not feel guilty. I can't speak for everyone but usually, the niceties that come from people when they want you to join their group/camp is very overwhelming but underlying such nice things may be conditions / agenda...strings attached. I never liked such kinds of bargains... so to speak. And to be fair, i don't like it wherever it came from, no matter Christian or Buddhist.
I do not recommend the fusion of Buddhist - Christian stuff. The Christian side may not like it and it may affect your faith in Buddhism. Buddhism takes alot of time to understand and before one's understanding is firm, the mixture of religions will make one confused and creates alot of unnecessary obstacles.
All these just my opinion, take with pinch of salt.
The thing about your resistance to speak gently and truthfully is that you are not wanting to deal with how you will feel. It's very common for us to say things like 'I don't want to let this person down', but the reality is we don't want to experience the discomfort we think we will feel in being open and honest.
Ultimately your choice is continue to make yourself suffer for a long time by living a lie or experience the liberation of being honest and realizing others handle it far better than you convinced yourself they would.
I hid my atheism from my mother for over a decade because I told myself I didn't want to let her down. During that decade my relationship with her suffered. I began seeing her in a very unpositive light. I viewed her as too weak to handle the truth. After finally telling her the truth (and she is about as fundamentalist as they come) it was like the weight of the world had fallen off my shoulders. I was able to see my mother more clearly since I let go of the delusion. While I am sure my mother is very concerned about my soul, our relationship is now slowly improving because I am not seeking reasons to avoid her or being asked why I don't go to church.
What you are doing right now is torturing yourself trying to maintain a lie. This will produce very undesirable conditions in you and they will manifest in ways that will give you no end of grief.
Do yourself a favor. Let it go.
I too was in your position. I was very active in my Lutheran church, on the church council, assisting minister, the works, but for reasons too lengthy to go into I left for a bunch of years. During those years I discovered Buddhism, all the while maintaining my very close relationship with the Pastor of my church (we lunched every Thursday).
After a long time he asked me to return to help with the liturgy, as an assistant minister. Because of my respect and friendship for him I went back without a moments hesitation. I assisted with the liturgy and acted as assistant minister for many years, but all the while I felt torn, because I was just 'going through the motions'. The Pastor knew me well and knew of my interest in Buddhism, and never once tried to get me to 'change my mind'.
The Pastor retired last year and moved away, and that was a perfect break for me, I immediately stopped attending church, my duty having been fulfilled in my mind. The new Pastor saw me one day and asked "Are we going to see you back at church"? I said "No, I don't think so". He inquired why, and I said "Because I've become a Buddhist". And the conversation ended there. I sort of implied it was a recent thing, because I was pretty sure he would not understand the 'old arrangement' I had with the former Pastor.
When I recently saw the old Pastor, I shared that story with him, and said "But you've always been a Buddhist"??!!! So the point is Dazza, you CAN blend the two, it's just that you have to be honest with yourself first, what your motivation is, and then be honest with those involved, about whom you care, your wife is already onboard, I would say you should discuss this thoroughly with the minister, take the time to do it properly, don't make it a 'drive by'... And you may find that they are still just as accepting as they always were. When I'm looking for perspective in these things, I think to myself... "What if I were Jewish"? Would they shun me? I don't think so! But above all, to thine own self be true.
Thank you to everyone that has replied.
I have read each reply carefully and I am very appreciative of everyone's stories, words of wisdom and reasoning. Things are much clearer to me now after reading the responses and I feel more confident that I can approach this situation differently. I will let you know how it goes in the days/weeks to come. (If you're interested!
Hopefully, after studying Buddhism for many years to come I will be able to look at life's challenges from a different viewpoint and with better understanding like you helpful people here on this forum do. You are amazing people!!
Thanks again
Dazza