How to deal with certain behaviors

jigrieco

Hi everyone-

I have an old friend who tends to make jokes about/laugh/agree with people who make demeaning jokes about women. This is a subject that I tend to react with anger because I care a lot about women's rights and studied the subject in college.

Do you think that I should practice patience with his attitude and hope that he stops these behaviors? Or should I try to be an activist on what I believe- I'm not sure if this is my place.

I am just wondering what everyone thinks about activism vs. understanding and being patient with other people's own thought and behaviors.

Any opinions would help! Thank you!

bodhiactivity

take some time to assess him and the situation...

If you are confident that you can change his views, then you should speak out without anger or judging kind of mind... speak nicely and explain your views with logic, good reasoning.

most people i find are stuck in their views, or are quite opinionated, or resistant to your opinion, in such cases, i don't speak up. Speaking up should do if person is likely to be receptive. Or else, what's the point? Changing people's opinions is one of the most difficult thing in this world... better to change ourselves first, practice kindness.

TreeLuvr87

This is a good question, and I've felt torn in similar ways sometimes. You cannot simply "change" anyone's views. You can state your opinion, but beyond that, it's an opportunity to practice compassion. Just lead by example and don't engage in the behaviors yourself. If the behaviors continue after you've stated your discomfort to the friend then just remove yourself from those situations or find a way to be less attached to the idea of everyone sharing the same views as you do. Sometimes I've felt like I needed someone to "get" me but that only gives them power. You don't need anyone to "get" you to continue to be who you truly are. Good luck!

RichardH

The company you keep changes over time as you change. I used to be surrounded by a very rudderless and cynical scene. Then the circle of people gradually turned over and was replaced with people who engage in more skilfull behavior. The value sphere you live in tends to attract like valued people. Unless it is family or there is a deep responsibility, it helps to move on from people who persist in doing stupid things.

shadowleaver

In my opinion, "being an activist" doesn't work too well. Ignoring the questionable comments and subtly sending the message that you don't care for them, works pretty well according to my observations. It's also compassionate, I believe, because the person ends up focusing on their rigid and fixed beliefs (the things that cause suffering) less and is given an opportunity to shift their attention to something healthier.

That said, some people are pretty passionate about prejudices. A guy I know just can't stop talking badly about Jews, women, gays and the West overall. He literally can't go without saying something unflattering about those subjects for more than 5 minutes. It's way too much for me and now I refuse seeing him at all costs. I just don't see the point.

...Now why would your friend disparage women? Could it be that he (I'm assuming it's a he) got burnt in his relationship or relationships? If so, that is tragic, as a meaningful and constructive relationship with a person of opposite sex is one of the most fundamental needs of human nature. Compassion is called for if that doesn't work out for someone. If, when he makes those remarks, you sincerely feel that compassion, I think your body language will express that and the guy will chill out regarding his woman-bashing.

andyrobyn

Spending time around this type of conversation would become very difficult for me - I would let the person know of my discomfort - recently had a similar experience with a student who wanted to join my research group and we mutually decided it wouldn't be an effective partnership ... in the circumstances I was not able to recommend her either for another programme and this had big consequences for her. She is currently appealing the decision and so further discussions may ensue.

TreeLuvr87 wrote: »

You don't need anyone to "get" you to continue to be who you truly are. !

I can relate to this ... a relationship which could not continue, well over two years ago now - wow!, was hallmarked for me by the other person understanding me and it was this that was very appealing to me. Changing this importance help me deal with the loss after it ended. The experience has left me far less concerned about needing others to understand - differences are actually more interesting to me now, especially in discussions which can easily become
" yes, that is great, agree with you because you agree with my view " type of thing thus confirming us in our view as being " good ", "right" and " the only way ".

nanadhaja

I once new a guy in Thailand who seemed to have an endless stream of racist jokes on his phone.I politely told him that I personally did not like these sorts of jokes and did not wish to share in them.He stopped trying to show them to me and also stopped showing them to others when I was around.

TreeLuvr87

goingforth wrote: »

I once new a guy in Thailand who seemed to have an endless stream of racist jokes on his phone.I politely told him that I personally did not like these sorts of jokes and did not wish to share in them.He stopped trying to show them to me and also stopped showing them to others when I was around.

Oh my gosh I think this guy works with me too. He also has lots of jokes that involve visual nudity... not the cool artsy kind.

Seriously though, awesome way to get your point across - just stating it.

ShiftPlusOne

How are these things demeaning?
"What do you if they refuse to receive the meal?"
http://liveonearth.livejournal.com/330617.html

Your friend thinks he's funny and your reaction only feeds the ego.

If your friend is a decent guy, he would have stopped if you told him to. Otherwise, remove yourself from the situation.

He who walks in the company of fools suffers a long way; company
with fools, as with an enemy, is always painful; company with the wise
is pleasure, like meeting with kinsfolk.

- Dhammapada

So, there are a number of approaches.
Change him, change your attitude or remove yourself from the situation.

I think the strongest thing to do is to change yourself. For words to be demeaning you have to accept them as truth. Is female dignity so fragile? I don't think so.

Another approach is to recognize your reaction your reaction and his statements as a form of tribalism. What he's doing is poking fun, rather than trying to be demeaning. Like (insert nationality here) makes (insert neighbouring county) jokes. Consider the intent: amusement. It just happen to be at your expense, so you don't have to accept that.

Anyway, I think that's plenty to consider.