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Self-esteem
ShiftPlusOne
Veteran
What are your views on self-esteem? Real or not?
The idea of 'self-esteem' was introduced to me in high school by teachers. English is my second language, so the term wasn't part of my vocabulary. They spent a couple of classes (I think it was 'health' class) talking about self-esteem and discussed how everyone is unique and blah blah blah. I was confused by the idea and it didn't settle with me at all. I accepted it as defined by the teachers and haven't given it much thought. Since about 11th grade I've started seeing self-esteem as a silly concept which makes people feel self-conscious over nothing. It tries to define what you are in terms of how you feel about yourself and thus how you feel about yourself becomes what you are. Dangerous and false notion, in my opinion.
As a result, when I get a compliment about anything... it just does not compute... it has no place in my mind. My girlfriend says "you can't take a compliment, because you have low self-esteem". In actuality, I can't take a compliment, not because I have LOW self-esteem, but because I have NO self-esteem.
Anyway, thoughts? Comments?
The idea of 'self-esteem' was introduced to me in high school by teachers. English is my second language, so the term wasn't part of my vocabulary. They spent a couple of classes (I think it was 'health' class) talking about self-esteem and discussed how everyone is unique and blah blah blah. I was confused by the idea and it didn't settle with me at all. I accepted it as defined by the teachers and haven't given it much thought. Since about 11th grade I've started seeing self-esteem as a silly concept which makes people feel self-conscious over nothing. It tries to define what you are in terms of how you feel about yourself and thus how you feel about yourself becomes what you are. Dangerous and false notion, in my opinion.
As a result, when I get a compliment about anything... it just does not compute... it has no place in my mind. My girlfriend says "you can't take a compliment, because you have low self-esteem". In actuality, I can't take a compliment, not because I have LOW self-esteem, but because I have NO self-esteem.
Anyway, thoughts? Comments?
0
Comments
Self-esteem is one of those baggage-laden words for a vague concept. Murky language, and all that. If you are happy with who you are, how you think, behave, and what you do, then technically, you do have a solid sense of self-esteem. That's all there is to it.
You mentioned compliments not 'computing'. Is that because of a mindset of 'a job well done is enough', and that there's no need to call attention to it? That's perfectly fine, and is a good, neutral stance.
What's unhealthy and a mark of low self-esteem is where you are bothered by compliments, or even attention drawn to yourself, and you go out of your way to refuse, negate, or quantify the effort that has been pointed out.
... I got this far, and then I looked at this and I admit I laughed so hard because it was only then that I looked at it from a 'no-mind' perspective.
No-mind, no-self-esteem, no matter
Jali
Yeah, the 'no-mind' angle was exactly what I was going for.
People have SA for different reasons (feeling judged, worrying about doing thing 'wrong', trying to plan every single situation down to the last detail, being afraid to ask questions and so on) if you can identify what exactly is causing you to get anxious, you can start to address it.
There's a guy on youtube (http://www.youtube.com/user/001Sparkie) who has sort of started to document his steps to get over his SA. He explains how he feels about certain situations like going to the dentist or the movies and how he hasn't done either is a crazy amount of time. Well thanks to his approach to it, he did end up following through on going to the dentist and a couple of other things. You can see in the videos he gets heaps of anxiety, but manages to get through it. An important thing to do is to reflect on your steps. If you did something you were anxious about... reflect on how it wasn't as bad as you thought it would. By doing things you've avoided, you start to overcome it.
So yeah, don't think it's something you have to live with, you can beat it.
when i read your post, it reminds me few instances that i have experienced
many many years ago,
when i was an undergraduate, i got 'A+' for a tutorial (the very first tutorial of my uni life) and the lecturer praised me and asked me to read it to the class, but i refused to do so
i remember now, i was happy and at the same time i didn't want to get any attention from the class
since i refused to read the tutorial lecturer said he take back (+) and gave me 'A' only but i didn't feel sorry for it
after years later, but many years ago when i had to address conferences, i felt shaking hands at the first few seconds, and then i forgot the audiance and continue the presentation successfully
even now, i would not come forward and talk (in dhamma discussions) unless there is someone who can explain it clearly and correctly (according to my understanding)
how can you explain these situation?
are they low self-esteem?
i do not think so
Would any of that be right or am I just making stuff up?
What preceeded your girlfreind saying that? What do you think she was experiencing at the time?
I'd rather keep it PG, but why do you ask?
I was wondering whether she had given you a compliment (no need for us to know what that was) or if someone else had given you a compliment.
If she had given you a compliment and had done so with the hopes of inspiring happy feelings from you but instead got indifference she might have been feeling sad and a little rejected. If someone else had given you the compliment and you couldnt seem recieve it. She might also be feeling sad.
Instead of being concerned about proving the state of your self esteem you could think about "What did they need from me when they gave that compliment what are they really asking for? Some warmth, some feeling of connecting, some recognition that they have taken the time to see you.
In my limited understanding of what some one who has realised noself would be like I think they would recieve compliments with simple grace and smile and say thanks. They could do this without getting hooked in thoughts like "They think this SO it must be true and will always be true and they will always think this and so everyone will think this." And so they wouldnt have to defend themselves against compliments. And they would be free to recognise the opportunity for kindness. Gil Fronsdal in his series on loving kindness recomends this practice of asking yourself what do they need from me right now.
Anyway I guess I am reading and listening alot to things about loving kindness/metta and it is helping me to feel more connected and less seperat so I offer my thoughts only in the hope they may help you.
I understand that buddhism recomends not having a preference for praise and I think we can still respond to compliments in a warm manner if they happen to come our way.
I often feel that I am being judged everywhere that I go. Some days it can be extreme to the point it may take me over half an hour to actually go out. (I don't mean to get ready, I mean from the moment I intend to go out and when I eventually can go out.) Other days it will not be so bad but it will still be there to some extent. If I have had something alcoholic to drink however, I am just as I was 2 years ago normally. I do not care or feel judged, I just go about my life as I normally would. Being very social, having conversations with thai strangers. This is something obvious though due to the alcohol numbing neurological receptors in the brain, and I could easily use alcohol daily for this purpose but I don't
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