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I'm Losing Control
comicallyinsane
Veteran
HI everyone. I'm sorry for not being on the forum much these days. I have been working tons of hours. I find myself falling back into old habits. I am getting angry all the time and frustrated. I keep wanting to fight with people more and more. NMOt the customers anymore. It's these stupid employees we have. And the other managers I work with are very backstabbing and resent me for being put back on top on the chain by the general manager. The thing is that I know they are not as good as me and my boss feels I deserve it but they are mad at me even though she okayed me having my old pay and position and hours.
I am frustrated and I feel I am losing my way on the path. I tell myself that this isn't the way to be and then I answer myself with "screw it". I haven't wanted to meditate or study the teachings. I have just wanted to come home after a long 11 hour day and watch a little tv, eat dinner, and head to bed to do it all over again. The positive is that I have been losing weight and getting stronger but my emotions and mental control is failing. HELP!!!:(
I am frustrated and I feel I am losing my way on the path. I tell myself that this isn't the way to be and then I answer myself with "screw it". I haven't wanted to meditate or study the teachings. I have just wanted to come home after a long 11 hour day and watch a little tv, eat dinner, and head to bed to do it all over again. The positive is that I have been losing weight and getting stronger but my emotions and mental control is failing. HELP!!!:(
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Comments
http://www.blip.se/lattjo2/kojan/bilbanan.asp
I know you do not like reading long Suttas, but I find the Maha-satipatthana Sutta to be very helpful in my practice.
Jason
I am so sorry to hear that times are hard again. As Oscar Wilde put it, "Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
IMHO, it would be very important that any mindfulness practice should make life easier rather than harder. And that it should be so simple that it does not become yet another reason to beat yourself up. Don't set yourself up to fail!
May I suggest that five minutes of sitting comfortably and watching your breath may be enough. If you want to make the time more "special", light a candle and focus on that. Do no more than the 5 minutes unless it feels right to you and certainly no more than 20 minutes. 5 minutes each day is better than feeling bad about not doing more.
Do you have a desk or do you spend a lot of time in your car (how is it BTW?) Wherever you spend the most time, put some small image or reminder: it doesn't have to be 'religious' in anybody else's view but needs to mean something to you. When I was working all hours and finding little quiet time, I used to have an empty vase for a single flower on my desk. I kept it empty, which puzzled my secretaries but it was full of meaning for me.
As you may remember, I believe that there is a deep interconnectedness between all that is. On that basis, I dedicate part of every skillful action that I may, knowingly or unknowingly, undertake to your intentions and benefit as long as you need it. Not much else I can do.
I hope you don't find my suggestions intrusive or patronising: you are a dear e-friend and I was beginning to worry that we had not seen you for a while.
Nick has a couple of polished pebbles in his pocket. One is Haematite, and the other is banded Agate.... they're smooth cool and shiny, and every time he puts his hand in his pocket, he feels them there and it just reminds him to be..... Here.
A friend of mine used to wear a specific bracelet. Every time she caught sight of it as she worked, she'd be reminded to do the same. I have a set of minature chimes in my car, and every time they tinkle, they remind me to be mindful of my driving.....
How would a "solid" reminder work for you? What could you use to trigger the signal to 'breathe' and 'Calm'....?
You might need to change it from time to time, to avoid it becoming a habit... or maybe not. I don't know. But it's a thought....
Hang in there Buddy, and try to come in and chat.... just offloading with friends can be an enormous burden-lifting exercise!
Here is a story that you might enjoy. It can be amazing how our Jewish brothers have such similar parallels between their beliefs and ours.
Gam zeh ya'avor = anicca
"One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him, "Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to bring to me. I wish to wear it for the Sukkot festival, which gives you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty," replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you, but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has special powers," answered the king. "If a happy man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give his minister some added humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had no idea where he could find the ring. On the day before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of the poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a special ring that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the elderly man take a plain gold ring from his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said King Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.
To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew letters on the gold band: Gimel, Zayin, Yud, which begin the words "Gam zeh ya'avor - This too shall pass."
At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but dust."
I have also heard another version where the said king would look at the ring in good times to remind himself not to get too carried away, because those happy times would not last forever, while he would also look upon the ring in bad times to not get too discouraged, because those unhappy times would not last forever.
Jason
I think meditation will help me to keep my cool. I find myself slipping more and more so it is time to reset myself. Thanks everyone. And Elohim I will try and make some time to read that link you gave me.
The big problem is, that you have a promotion, so your position has shifted. you are everybody's friend, but you are now also in charge of them. This now makes you different. You can no longer act the way you did because, to quote Spiderman, (!) 'With great Power, comes great Responsibility.'
There is a character in a children's book, in the UK, called Worzel Gummidge. (bear with me on this....;) ) He's a scarecrow. But he has several interchangeable heads, which he uses for different occasions. Some posh, some smart, some serious, some happy. But always his face, just in different guises.
When I was supervisor at a store in the UK, I had to get used to wearing 'different heads' according to what I had to do. I had a responsibility to my position, so sometimes I was someone's friend, and sometimes I was their boss. But I couldn't be both at the same time.
(Many companies in the UK recognise this, and won't promote within the Branch. they'll ask people to take a higher position, but elsewhere... )
And this is the fine line you have to walk. And it may help you to explain this to your friends, but not all of them will sympathise. Some will be jealous, resentful and pissed off that you can't show favouritism, or cut them more slack.
Well, Comic, that's tough . Someone's gotta do it, and if they fall by the wayside, it is their perception which is at fault. You can't be all things to all men.
I'll be honest with you; since being given the task of Moderator for this forum, I'm posting slightly less, and being far more 'mindful' of content. I feel very thankful for the position, but however trivial or largely unnecessary I am to the forum, I'm still conscious of the fact that I have to keep my eyes peeled, and be more responsible about what I - and others - post. and it's harder than I thought. But it's a wonderful learning curve, and I'm enjoying it.
Hope you can do the same!
I was wondering where you were. I am sorry you are going through all of this right now. I alos believe that sitting and meditating for just a few minutes each day will help you out a great deal. I have found that whenever I feel like I am losing my patience mroe often with my toddler, if I just make more time to meditate, it helps a lot.
Hang in there and know that we are all here for you!
Sorry to hear about your troubles. As I probably know you the best out of everyone here you'll have to forgive me for not sounding as sympathetic as the others.
As soon as you grasp onto the transient idea that you are losing control and make it seem permenant you've already beaten yourself to the proverbial punch.
Be aware of these thoughts but remember that they are NOT you. You are you and, ultimately, you are in control (whether you pretend to be or not).
Allow these thought to rise and fall naturally like the crest of the waves in the ocean. It is only when you grasp onto these thoughts that they become devastating tsunamis.
Remember the ocean is peaceful and serence from a distance!
As a shaolin warrior I would expect more of you! If you don't want to sit and meditate then practice some forms and practice moving zazen. Remember the only true defeat is the defeat of the self and, at the moment, perhaps you are externalizing too much.
Look inside, my friend.
It is the conditions of life that are out of control or the self?
Respectfully, your friend and Kung Fu cousin,
Dave
_/a_
I too find myself in a sticky situation at the moment. Actually, have been in it for a couple of months now.
My situation causes me more emotional duress with one person - not a group. But, distress is still distress - emotional suffering is suffering.
I find that I try to use these times to bring into play the teachings associated with this path that I am following.
It does seem to work, at times, when I look at MY personal situation and try to figure out why this is causing me so much distress? I have to realize that people are going to act the way they are going to act - and why am I letting what they do cause me so much suffering? Why am I letting this bother me?
Most of the time I find it causes me suffering because of how I think things should be. How it's not right that others do these things, etc., etc.,
I know you are away from your family, sending everything you're making back to them, living with someone else, etc., etc., - but remember, you have a significant other that cares for you, two girls that (for some odd reason
I wish you the best. As with all things, this will pass. You do have the luxury of being the bosses right-hand-man - so it's not like you have to worry about someone lower on the food chain outing you.
Compassion - love - you can do this. During some of our discussions - I know you have a lot of meaningful thoughts running through your head.
Best wishes,
-bf
I don't have any advice for you, brother. Just know that your suffering is natural and that you are not alone.
Well Fed, I was never these employees equal. Remember I moved from California back to Las Vegas and took my old job after being gone for 2 1/2 years. It was like riding a bke though. My boss likes the job I do.
long time no see.i have a suggestion,every time they piss you off,try this mantra
GOOSH FRABA.that's the lesson i learn from'anger management'.but i think the suggestions or advices from the brothers and sisters in this sangha are more useful than mine:)
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence. Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything"
Blessings on your journey, Peace and Light, David
Pray tell, what was your attitude adjustment?
-bf
Steeping or marinading always tenderises even tough meat!
I thought it quite appropriate. LOL
I'm very new into buddhism so I'm not familiar with all the concepts, sutras, etc. I am trying though, and learning as I go.
My problem is my father. To put it mildly...he's driving me insane. He had heart surgery last year and ever since then he seems to be falling apart. Poor, poor memory...he's seemed to have lost most of his common sense, he doesn't seem to be all there anymore, he has no energy, but he thinks he's just hunky-dory.
I've been practicing meditation every morning and every night (about 5-10 minutes each) concentrating on my breathing. Sometimes my mind will wander but when I realize it, i'll draw myself back to each and every breath.
I sometimes tell my Mom that Dad makes it impossible to be Buddhist. I try to practice patience with him, but everyday he seems to get worse and my patience is wearing thin. So is my Moms. I'm afraid, with his diabetes and worsening condition, I don't think he's going to live more than another year.
I don't really want to go into all the things that he does that drive us up the wall, but I'm torn between feeling bad for him and at the same time wanting to strangle him. I don't know how to handle it. My Mom doesn't either (shes not buddhist). I'm afraid that when he does pass, we're all going to have this dichotomy of sorrow and glee. I don't want that. I want to enjoy his pressence now, but I'm just....I don't know. Blah.
Does anyone have any advice for a beginner buddhist? I am just now in the early stages of learning the 4 noble truths and the 8fold path. Yet I havent quite figured out a way to induct them into my everyday life.
-Knot
Dear Knot,
This is not advice on how to handle your stress around your father but to voice some concern about him.
As a member of the "chest zipper" club, I was unprepared for post-op. effects which were never described to me. The first one which I noticed was serious word aphasia - inability to remember words, names, etc. This is, apparently, caused by the bypass machine on which we are put when they stop the heart itself in order to do their work. Although the aphasia has improved over the years, it has never completely left me.
The second effect is post-operative depression. This often goes undiagnosed. I think that the reason is that there is reluctance among the medical profession to admit that life-saving surgery can leave us with so life-reducing a condition. Depression does not always manifest as sadness.
Personality changes have been noted in many heart op. patients. It sounds as if your father may be suffering from some post op. stuff. It took about 12-18 months to pass in my case.
please know, I.Knot, that my heart very sincerely goes out to you, and that I hope I can phrase things in such a way that you'll be able to find them a help and not a hindrance....
I don't know whether you have bought any books on Buddhism and who the authors might be, but I would suggest, from a practical point of view that you grace your shelves with the works of Thich Nhat Hahn, Lama Surya Das, Sogyal Rinpoche and of course, the Dalai Lama.
These men have produced inspiring and educational works which have always brought me solace, comfort and new insight, the more I have read - and re-read them!
Should you be interested, I will be happy to give you titles - or check out the recommended reading thread....
http://www.newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14
On a more personal and immediate level - these are the situations that can become our greatest teachers.... It's all very well finding ourselves in comfortable situations, when we feel at our ease, and it's easy to be happy and content - but it is at times like these, when it all goes dark, that we can work on the 'inner spark'....
We strive to develop Patience and Compassion - and it's damned hard work! But one way of looking at it - which is something I touched on in a recent post - is to really understand and know that you are completely inseparable from your father and his suffering.
I'm repeating myself, but this is how I put it in the other thread....
Take the sentence; "I love You. " 'I' is the Subject. 'You' is the object. Remove either one from the sentence, and it ceases to make sense. So 'I' and 'You' are inseparable and co-dependent.
so it is in Life. 'I' (that is, you) and 'You' (that is, your father) are as joined in every way possible, as it is to be.
I know it's difficult to do, but try to focus on other memories and situations where your father was well, coherent, mentally sharp and wonderful..... As he is now, is not as he has always been. His story began before yours, and your Mother loved him passionately. Focus on the wonderful times you might have had with him, and remember them. Highlight them to your Mother. It's the same man. He's just at a point in his life when it all seems to fade, and focus on the negative.
It is commendable to live in the 'Now', but in this case, you need to step back and look at the 'bigger picture'. Focussing on current detail blanks off the entire landscape, and the rich tapestry of his life....
Simon is quite right in his assessment of the situation. You need to take what he has noted into consideration, and maybe even discuss it with your father's doctors.....
But know that you're not alone. Because, just as you and your father are inseparable, so are you from me, Simon, and everyone else on this forum and sangha.
Take heart from that.
Thinking of you.
Fede.
I was just addressing the problem from one particular angle. My stress angle, not his medical status or his suffering.
Simon--Thanks for the concern. We have actually been going with him everytime he goes to the doctor, which seems to be every two to three days. We voice the problems for him since he has poor memory and sometimes forgets what was bothering him earlier in the week. We handle the ridiculous amounts of medication that they seem to toss at him at random. We've been addressing the depression also.
It was weird. A few days after Dad came out of the hospital he started crying and saying how he didn't like that we (his kids) saw him in such a state of helplessness. Very eerie. I'd never seen my Dad cry before. I think that knocked us all back a bit.
Interesting enough though, I have never heard the term "aphasia". Nor have I heard anything about effects that the bypass machine has on the patient. You can be certain that I will be taking this information to my mother today. So thank you.
Don't worry about "if you sound cold".
I think this is a better place to voice your concerns rather than voice them to your father.
Maybe we can help ya.
-bf
Awwww... man!
Now I'm gettin' all veklempt!
-bf
"We are practising sitting meditation, and we see a bowl of tomato soup in our mind's eye, so we think that it is wrong practise, because we are supposed to be mindful of our breathing. But if we practise Mindfulness, we will say, "I am breathing in, and I am thinking about tomato soup." That is right mindfulness already. 'Rightness' or 'Wrongness' is not objective. It is Subjective."
From what I gather then, it is natural for the Mind to try wandering whilst we attempt to meditate.
Let it be.
But observe it's wanderings, like an outside entity... realise that what your Mind is doing, is not You.... it's part of you, it is OF you, but it's not you. Just watch it, and gently guide yourself back to your breathing. And know that ,while it flits hither and thither, it does so because that's what it has always done. Only now, you are 'Aware 'of it..... So because you are newly aware of it, it will appear very undisciplined, and resistant to your discipline. But it is no more undisciplined than normal. you're just aware of it more.....
From the perspective of the patient. The past year has been quite difficult. I had major surgery and then went into shock afterwards. I lost 36 days of my life as I was under heavy sedation. It has been a tough row to hoe as I haven't let go of who I was before the accident yet. I may not even be able to what my career is anymore. Will know more later. But my memory is still a little messed up and it will take time to completely come back.
People accept things at different rates, and depression is part of that process. Life altering events do put people through a grieving process. My partner is a saint and has had a lot to deal with as I was unable to work for almost a year. He had to carry the bag all by himself. One thing you might consider is finding a support group for families. I went to one when my best friend was dying of AIDS and found it to be quite helpful. You could check at the hospital where he had his surgery.
Hope he's doing better soon.