Howdy, Stranger!

It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!

Sign In Register
Examples: Monday, today, last week, Mar 26, 3/26/04
Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.

buddhist take on this problem?

graceleegracelee Veteran
edited October 2010 in Buddhism Basics
Hello

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place but here goes...
I am commitment phobic, I have started going out with a guy i have liked for two years but unfortunatly i am now in the grips of massive anxiety
i am freaking out that he is not right for me...
he is kind and funny and we have a great connection but i find faults with him (hes got big ears, he wears scruffy clothes etc)
i am in a terrible state
I dont want to break up with him but i am suffering massive anxiety and depression.
any advice on how i can cope with would be really appriciated

Metta

Comments

  • username_5username_5
    edited October 2010
    counseling. You stated he was a good guy, but are considering ending the relationship due to big ears and the way he dresses.

    There are some issues for you that most likely go back at least to childhood that are driving a reactive pattern. Buddhist practice can help you identify and work through reactive patterns like this, but it's not going to be as direct as seeing a counselor about this specific issue.
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited October 2010
    The last time you posted was on the 11th September.
    you did not respond to all the people who contributed to your thread.

    Now you're asking a second question, and I'm wondering what your motivation is.

    What do you feel was the benefit of seeking the advice you sought?
    have you tried to implement any of the advice given to you previously?
    Was it helpful to you?

    Are you seeing anyone for the anxiety and depression problems?
    It would probably be of great benefit to you if you were to seek professional counselling and therapeutic support from a qualified counsellor.

    To my mind, it would seem you are in need of more hands-on qualified input.
  • graceleegracelee Veteran
    edited October 2010
    hi thanks for your advice i am getting councelling but its not really helping at the moment but I'm going to give it time.
    federica I have no answer as to why i didnt thank everyone for there help ... after i wrote the post things got better so i didnt practice the advice... i suppose i am looking for any new angle i might be able to use to explore this issue.
    thanks for you help
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited October 2010
    Why do you feel counselling isn't helping?

    Are you resistant to what is happening?

    Do you not feel empathy from your counsellor?

    They say that part of the cure is to wish to be cured.
    Do you think you might be subconsciously sabotaging your own progress because you fear the solution?
  • graceleegracelee Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Hello
    yes it may be that i am sobataging my therapy i am certainly sabotaging my relationship(subconsiously) but on the other hand councelling doesnt seem to be offering me anything new, just a chance to talk about my childhood etc which i do with my boyfriend, sisters and friends anyway, but like i said il give it time it might yeild somthing.
    thanks
    grace
  • username_5username_5
    edited October 2010
    talking about your chlidhood with a counselor should end up being valuable. What your counselor is doing is trying to find out where the pattern you are displaying originated. It's similar to what we do for ourselves through our practice, but in the counselor's case s/he is trying to get a handle on a specific pattern that is causing you current and obvious problems. Being honest about things helps and shortens the process.
  • furthermorefurthermore
    edited October 2010
    Hi Grace,

    Have you considered perhaps looking into cognitive behavioural therapy as a way of dealing with your depression? I also underwent counselling for depression and anxiety and although it was of some help, it felt a lot like the counselling helped me discover the root of my problems, but not how to deal with it. CBT can help you deal with any negative self talk as it arises and recognise that just because you think something negative doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. (I'm just guessing that you have that going on here, but it tends to be pretty common in people with anxiety and depression). To me it seems that it has quite a lot in common with the Buddhist approach of observing your thoughts and feelings whilst refraining from judgement. I also highly recommend the book, The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself from Chronic Unhappiness. Good luck Grace! x.
  • letitbe13letitbe13
    edited October 2010
    Hi! I have BPD so I know allllllll about sabotaging relationships. Sometimes it is a very subconcious thing, and sometimes we don't even realize what we're doing. I had to hit 'rock botttom' in order to change, and the old addage really is true 'change comes from within.' So in order for therapy to work, you really have to meet your therapist halfway. They may help you understand your feelings, but only if you share them.

    The main reason I have had such a successful recovery is a combination of many different things. I enrolled in school and read often so I found meaning in education. I went to therapy with an open mind and also take antidepressants, so my mind is a little more stable and able to accept things clearly. I walk every other day to take care of my body. I am learning about Buddhism to take care of myself spiritually. I learn about my disorder so I can take care of my emotions during the 29 days a month I'm not in therapy. So if just one thing isn't working, try to do more. With Borderline, I have to be extremely mindful of my emotions every day, and sometimes even be my own therapist.

    I also just read a book called 'The Search for Meaning' that was extremely helpful. It was written by a group of three people, a philosopher, a psychologist, and a theologist. It's based around a seminar held at Duke University. It's not written from a Buddhist perspective, rather a Christian one, but I still found meaning and usefulness in it.

    Also, there is a site called DBTselfhelp.com I believe. DBT is used to treat Borderline Personality Disorder, BUT there are things on the site such as daily affirmations that I believe can benefit anyone. Writing or keeping a journal is also an extremely useful tool.

    Anyway I could blab all day because I've been through it all, but I wish you the best of luck with your relationship and overcoming your anxieties. If you ever need any additional advice, feel free to ask on here or message me in private.
  • AllbuddhaBoundAllbuddhaBound Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Some excellent suggestions. DBT has a lot to offer. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and mindfulness combined. All good stuff. You may not be a fit with the therapeutic approach you are trying so there is nothing wrong with considering other alternatives.

    Self-sabotage would imply self-hatred to some degree. A lack of compassion for self. Buddhist approaches that I have found to be particularly useful are loving-kindness meditation, and also Tonglen. Meditating on death can also be a powerful tool for facing the things that scare us the most. The thing that appears to scare you the most is commitment as you stated in your opening dialog.

    When someone states I can never go there or change, those are the places we need to go. Go to the scary places and be with your fear. That will help you through this.
  • letitbe13letitbe13
    edited October 2010
    Also, I'd like to note that therapy and medication is not an exact science, so it may take some time to find what works for you. I agree with Buddha Bound. The only thing about DBT is it is a very rigorous program. However, I've heard that it incorporates ideas from Buddhism and Eastern philosophy... which is how I became drawn to Buddhist beliefs. You can do some of the self help stuff on your own too. Loving-kindness meditation and really just thinking a lot about compassion and kindness really helped me a lot. I had to learn how to be selfless to learn how to help my self. :D
  • graceleegracelee Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Thank you so much everyone for your help, i have spoken to my counsellor and I'm going to get CBT therapy which i am really hopeful about.
    can i ask though what is DBT? is it a medication?
    I really feel alot more hopeful and appriciate everyones advice.

    Metta
  • AllbuddhaBoundAllbuddhaBound Veteran
    edited October 2010
    gracelee wrote: »
    Thank you so much everyone for your help, i have spoken to my counsellor and I'm going to get CBT therapy which i am really hopeful about.
    can i ask though what is DBT? is it a medication?
    I really feel alot more hopeful and appriciate everyones advice.

    Metta

    DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It uses CBT and combines it with mindfulness. It questions the assumptions that rule your life. And the mindfulness helps with the acceptance. letitbe13 is correct about how in depth it is. What I like about it, is that it includes meditative practice with CBT.

    Another approach which is also CBT and has mindfulness is Acceptance Commitment Therapy. (ACT) Not quite as rigorous as DBT. Might be hard to find a therapist though.
  • letitbe13letitbe13
    edited October 2010
    Yeah... with some of these therapies it may be hard to find a therapist. I had to tell mine what DBT was haha. I'm not sure but I believe it is a new-ish therapy.
  • graceleegracelee Veteran
    edited October 2010
    well that does sound great but Ive had a look and there isnt any DBT therapists in my area... I'm going to stick with CBT and try and keep mediating thanks for all your help.
  • AllbuddhaBoundAllbuddhaBound Veteran
    edited October 2010
    letitbe13 wrote: »
    Yeah... with some of these therapies it may be hard to find a therapist. I had to tell mine what DBT was haha. I'm not sure but I believe it is a new-ish therapy.

    DBT and ACT as well as Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) are all what is called the third wave of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. It is a development of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. In essence, it is CBT with meditation.

    CBT focuses on thoughts and beliefs whereas the others also deal with emotions.
  • ThaoThao Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Maybe he just isn't right for you. It is hard to say what is really going through one's mind. I dated a guy that looked like Omar Sharif. And then I noticed that I didn't like the way he dressed, and I found I really wasn't interested in him when I found that I didn't even like how Omar Sharif looked. Kind of funny when you think of it. But I realized through all of this that he was not for me. Sometimes you can't really pinpoint it, but you just start nickpicking and pretty soon you are out of the relationship. Could it have been that I wasn't ready? I don't think so. But what is wrong with not being ready? When the right guy comes along you won't be phobic. Now I can be totally wrong in what I am saying to you, so take it with a grain of salt.
Sign In or Register to comment.