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new at this
Wow I never saw this whole section before, but it's perfect for what I've been dealing with...basically, yes! How DO I practice Buddhism in a modern society?
If anybody remembers me, I used to post oh, a couple of months ago I guess. I moved, started a new job, and have been kind of going along since then...had my ups and downs, sometimes think I have it all figured out and feel like I'm on the right path, and other times (like now, I guess,) feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going.
I've got a big ego. I get easily caught up in things that make my ego bigger. I get caught up in people's reactions to the music I put out, for example. Just a couple of days ago, this guy who I'm doing some vocals for sent me a mix of a song we did, where I pretty much nailed the vocal. He was full of praise! And his co producer had even more extravagant praise! And I got so excited and happy, I laughed, giggled, started feeling like soda pop. I listened to that song over and over. In the back of my head I knew it wasn't good for me.
I did some superficial things to try and help facilitate giving up on my dreams of becoming a famous musician. Even saying that I have this dream is embarrassing. I stopped putting up youtube videos and took down most of the ones I had. I didn't ask anyone to vote for me in this contest I had entered (and didn't make it to the next round. But I still checked. I honestly still hoped.) But I still think about it all the time. I laid in bed today, daydreaming about getting a record deal and quitting my job and being able to have lots of time for spiritual practice, to really have nothing to do so that I could get deep into it... But it's still just a silly daydream. Still a means of escape.
I also stopped wearing makeup. Does anyone have thoughts on this? It just occurred to me how silly it is that people all try to look a certain way. "Attractive." There are all different kinds of people out there, of beings even! So many faces. So why shouldn't I just display mine? Why put on eye makeup to look prettier? I started just tying my hair back as well. And I thought about buying some new clothes, but then realized that would just be spiritual materialism. What's wrong with the clothes I've got? Maybe they are styled to look a certain way, which I don't think is important anymore, but they are what I have and there's no reason to spend more money.
But then I told my parents, and they were both pretty adamant about me wearing makeup again. "Just a little mascara, at least!" my Mom said. It makes me feel kind of bad. I have light eyelashes, and eye makeup really makes me look a lot "better." But...I just don't want to contribute to that image anymore. I don't want my actions to demonstrate that I agree that this is how women should look. I think people should be as they are.
But...oh that's not even what I really want to talk about. I haven't made any friends. I don't really want to, even. That would just settle me back into a lifestyle that I've had for a long time. I don't want to date, either. I'm against having a relationship. I don't think it's necessary. Maybe a long time from now when I wouldn't be so easily caught up in it, but not now. Whenever I think about an ideal life, this is what comes to mind: Simple. I go to work, I come home to my clean, studio apartment, make a nice healthy dinner, or maybe get something on the way home, do some chores, meditate, read, do some music (I haven't given up music, just the attachment to fame. I think music is actually what I do best...it feels like art is what I'm best suited for...if I could change careers, I probably would,) go to bed early enough to wake up to watch the sun rise. And maybe do some yoga or something before work.
But...I just can't do it... Every once in a while I have a really "good," day kind of, where I'm open and slow and my mind is clear. But something always happens. I feel like I'm being pulled in all of these different directions. It's hard to really care about work. I'm a software engineer. And I don't think what my company does is all that valuable. I don't think we need better mobile phones or operating systems or video game consoles. I also don't really want a promotion. I'm already making a good salary. I don't want to rise in the company... I just want to be kind, be open, be me. To not cause harm. It's crazy how many slugs we get here, after a rain. And I think it's ridiculous how many of them get stepped on. Us "big important humans" don't have time to look where we're stepping, so they die. So I've been looking.
Therapy once a week, with a guy who's actually quite knowledgeable about Buddhism and also seems to have had a lot of personal experiences that are in line with mine, is like the only time I ever get to talk to someone who understands. Everywhere else I go, there's people wanting me to be passionate about my job, to wear makeup, to keep posting youtube videos, to join in to crazy/silly online discussions... And then there's me. Scared, vulnerable, dong everything she can to get away...anything to not have to stay.
I guess...I guess I'm mostly looking for some support. I think I'd like to replace the livejournal community I go to now, where we talk about TV shows and celebrities, with this one. Maybe that's a good step. I'd love to have a place to go to meet with people face to face..but I don't have a car so I can't be out at night safely, and that's when most temples seem to have events.
How do I do this? How do I have a full time job in a modern society without being all caught up in it? And am I taking things too far?
Thank you so much. Take care.
Cristina
If anybody remembers me, I used to post oh, a couple of months ago I guess. I moved, started a new job, and have been kind of going along since then...had my ups and downs, sometimes think I have it all figured out and feel like I'm on the right path, and other times (like now, I guess,) feeling like I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going.
I've got a big ego. I get easily caught up in things that make my ego bigger. I get caught up in people's reactions to the music I put out, for example. Just a couple of days ago, this guy who I'm doing some vocals for sent me a mix of a song we did, where I pretty much nailed the vocal. He was full of praise! And his co producer had even more extravagant praise! And I got so excited and happy, I laughed, giggled, started feeling like soda pop. I listened to that song over and over. In the back of my head I knew it wasn't good for me.
I did some superficial things to try and help facilitate giving up on my dreams of becoming a famous musician. Even saying that I have this dream is embarrassing. I stopped putting up youtube videos and took down most of the ones I had. I didn't ask anyone to vote for me in this contest I had entered (and didn't make it to the next round. But I still checked. I honestly still hoped.) But I still think about it all the time. I laid in bed today, daydreaming about getting a record deal and quitting my job and being able to have lots of time for spiritual practice, to really have nothing to do so that I could get deep into it... But it's still just a silly daydream. Still a means of escape.
I also stopped wearing makeup. Does anyone have thoughts on this? It just occurred to me how silly it is that people all try to look a certain way. "Attractive." There are all different kinds of people out there, of beings even! So many faces. So why shouldn't I just display mine? Why put on eye makeup to look prettier? I started just tying my hair back as well. And I thought about buying some new clothes, but then realized that would just be spiritual materialism. What's wrong with the clothes I've got? Maybe they are styled to look a certain way, which I don't think is important anymore, but they are what I have and there's no reason to spend more money.
But then I told my parents, and they were both pretty adamant about me wearing makeup again. "Just a little mascara, at least!" my Mom said. It makes me feel kind of bad. I have light eyelashes, and eye makeup really makes me look a lot "better." But...I just don't want to contribute to that image anymore. I don't want my actions to demonstrate that I agree that this is how women should look. I think people should be as they are.
But...oh that's not even what I really want to talk about. I haven't made any friends. I don't really want to, even. That would just settle me back into a lifestyle that I've had for a long time. I don't want to date, either. I'm against having a relationship. I don't think it's necessary. Maybe a long time from now when I wouldn't be so easily caught up in it, but not now. Whenever I think about an ideal life, this is what comes to mind: Simple. I go to work, I come home to my clean, studio apartment, make a nice healthy dinner, or maybe get something on the way home, do some chores, meditate, read, do some music (I haven't given up music, just the attachment to fame. I think music is actually what I do best...it feels like art is what I'm best suited for...if I could change careers, I probably would,) go to bed early enough to wake up to watch the sun rise. And maybe do some yoga or something before work.
But...I just can't do it... Every once in a while I have a really "good," day kind of, where I'm open and slow and my mind is clear. But something always happens. I feel like I'm being pulled in all of these different directions. It's hard to really care about work. I'm a software engineer. And I don't think what my company does is all that valuable. I don't think we need better mobile phones or operating systems or video game consoles. I also don't really want a promotion. I'm already making a good salary. I don't want to rise in the company... I just want to be kind, be open, be me. To not cause harm. It's crazy how many slugs we get here, after a rain. And I think it's ridiculous how many of them get stepped on. Us "big important humans" don't have time to look where we're stepping, so they die. So I've been looking.
Therapy once a week, with a guy who's actually quite knowledgeable about Buddhism and also seems to have had a lot of personal experiences that are in line with mine, is like the only time I ever get to talk to someone who understands. Everywhere else I go, there's people wanting me to be passionate about my job, to wear makeup, to keep posting youtube videos, to join in to crazy/silly online discussions... And then there's me. Scared, vulnerable, dong everything she can to get away...anything to not have to stay.
I guess...I guess I'm mostly looking for some support. I think I'd like to replace the livejournal community I go to now, where we talk about TV shows and celebrities, with this one. Maybe that's a good step. I'd love to have a place to go to meet with people face to face..but I don't have a car so I can't be out at night safely, and that's when most temples seem to have events.
How do I do this? How do I have a full time job in a modern society without being all caught up in it? And am I taking things too far?
Thank you so much. Take care.
Cristina
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Comments
You don't have to run away and leave society behind... in fact, that would probably be very unhelpful. You seem to relate everything back to yourself. I find that thinking externally helps a great deal. Instead of focusing on how my lifestyle affects me, think about how it affects others. I see your ideal world has very little human interaction. Buddhism is very much about kindness and compassion. It's easy to be kind and compassionate in the comfort of your own home, but that wouldn't lead to happiness. Do the little things in the lifestyle you have rather than aim for an ideal lifestyle removed from pressures.
So yeah, I've fallen for the same traps, and relating my life to the life of others rather than my own was helpful for me. Every case is different though.
But yes...maybe I am being self absorbed. I've pretty much always been this way. Thinking this starts me off on the vicious cycle of self-hatred.
Those kinds of mistakes. I'm so glad I'm looking at this now. It's hard, and painful, but love means having the courage to look. This is totally off topic..I was just thinking... I am so humbled.
There's a story of the two arrows I heard from one of Gil Fronsdal's podcasts.. I don't remember exactly how it goes. Buddha asked a man if it hurts to be pierced with an arrow. The man replied "yes, of course". Buddha then asked "will it hurt more to be then pierced with another arrow?". The man replied "yes, that would be much more painful". Well the thing is that normally the second arrow is our own doing. Also, people don't stop at the second arrow. You have done something wrong (first arrow) and then all of the sudden you identify yourself as a bad person (second arrow). You start judging and hating yourself (third arrow)... then everything in your life starts to be based around more and more arrows. However if you just recognize that you did something foolish once and stop hurting yourself over it, you'd be much better off. There's no need to judge yourself or your thoughts, simply recognize they are there and move on.
Also, you need to recognize that the past is gone, you can't change it. You're living in the now, so there's no need to sabotage the now and the future because of the past.
Do you currently meditate?
Yes, I've hear that arrow story too. It's a good one.
Formal sitting meditation is what develops mindfulness. Everyone has mindfulness to some degree just like everyone has physical strength to some degree. However it is only those who go to the gym and lift weights regularly that see their physical strength increase over time. In the same way sitting meditation is the most direct and efficient way to increase mindfulness over time.
So, I encourage you to do it. Consider yourself encouraged
Anyway, I think you're on the right track. Good luck with everything.
You do this by making your full-time job in modern society part of your practice. Try to treat everyone with loving kindness, as if they were your kind mothers. Even when they aren't kind.
Practice mindfulness through the day, continually pulling your mind back to that.
Wherever you go, there you are. And wherever you are, there you practice.
Right now I look at it like this. It's not what you do--it's how you do it. I can sit here and dream until kingdom come that I had a "better life" to practice Buddhism in, but this is my life here and now. I can make the most of it. I can go to work and be kind to people and to myself, I can put in good effort in the work that I do even though the work itself is unimportant to me. I can be mindful anywhere, (if I can be mindful anywhere!
Other than that, what can I say... work is work. You're being paid to do stuff people don't do for free. Find the root of the negative emotions you have towards it.
I used to do a bit of programming, so I'd guess your mind is very analytical, logical and rational. However these qualities played against me. Whenever I had negative emotions towards something, I'd always use logic to justify why I disliked things. I can rationalise just about anything. However, it's a hindrance... emotions and feelings aren't driven by logic. So it might not be that your work conflicts with 'right effort' or that you're bothered by the pressures, it could be something else.
Dharma can be found fully integrated with your daily life... don't partition it... we need to be 100% of the time in dharma... Learn to integrate it.
But i agree with some of what u did... we need to change some chaotic habits that take away time, that influence our minds negatively into positive habits that help our practice... so it is VERY GOOD that you are goiing to the temples...
Study more dharma, reflect more on it and in order to able to absorb the dharma, one has to create some merit... so it is good to do some good works, recite sutras/mantras, prostrations etc. This is not just ritual, it has very powerful effect in increasing our merits and after you have created merit, your ability to understand the teachings, for the teachings to be heartfelt, your ability to implement the teachings in creative ways in your life and to really be mindful all the time of dharma will be greatly increased.
Hope this helps.
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