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Dying and waking up
I want to share an experience I just had and hopefully get some thoughts on it.
Well first of all, this morning, I had a spiritual experience on the way to work. I often do, though this time it was more wonderful than it had ever been before. I looked at the sky and it was beautiful, the sun, the clouds, the fog. I just began to cry at how beautiful it was. And I felt so open and aware and loving and full of positive energy. I laughed out loud a few times. It faded, of course, as it always does. I settled into the day. Then around 3, my stomach started feeling funny. It had felt a little funny all day, but this was more so, and I went to the bathroom to let it out, and had diarrhea. No biggie, happens sometimes. I figured it'd happen again shortly thereafter, which it did. But then when I went back to my office the second time...I don't know, I just felt like something wasn't right...my body felt kinda weak and my stomach didn't hurt like it normally did, just felt funny...so I decided to go home. I ate a slightly iffy sandwich last night and thought hey, maybe I am really getting sick. I should go home before it becomes difficult to take the bus and walk. So I did.
Got home. Felt..about the same..went to take a nap. But it was so strange. It felt, final... I felt like I was going to die. I lay down and I was kind of shivering. I couldn't get warm. I thought that this could be it. I may fall asleep and never wake up. I could really die right here. I wonder how long it would take for someone to barge in and find me. (I live alone and have no friends or family in the area.) I wasn't really scared though. It felt..okay... In my head, I started saying goodbye. Goodbye Mom and Dad, goodbye friend, goodbye coworker, down a short list, relatively unaffected, but then I said, mentally, "goodbye me." And began to sob. Images started flashing in my mind, me as a little girl, me as a teenager..I wouldn't say my whole life flashed before my eyes, but just little pieces here and there. I started hugging myself fiercely and saying, I love you, Cristina. This body isn't so bad. I haven't been so bad after all. Just normal. (I'm crying a little again now, recalling it.) I just felt so much love for myself. And I didn't want to let go.
I got up because I had to pee, and turned the heater on because I thought maybe it was just really cold in here, sat by it a while, then went back to take a nap. I didn't want to fall asleep though. I thought it could be the end. I think I ended up just dozing, feeling neither here nor there, not having much of a sense of time or anything going on around me (not that there was anything going on.) Then all of a sudden the heater turned off and I startled, awake. Something had changed. I didn't feel like I was dying anymore. I felt...kind of normal.
Queue the fear. (No I swear I don't know this life, God what am I doing here?) I'm scared. I feel like I did back when I had hardcore anxiety and didn't function well in society. But I also feel like this is a second chance, now that I know more, now that I know better... now that I have Buddhism. I am definitely afraid, but I don't so much "fear the fear" as I used to. In a way I've been asking for this, always claiming I wanted to wake up, to open up, to let my ego die and experience all the discomfort and fear and anxiety that entails. But now, surprise surprise, I don't want to feel this!!!
I'm scared. I'm just scared. But also a bit intrigued. A bit curious. And I don't know where else I can go, (therapy is on Wednesdays so I have a ways to go for that,) other than a Buddhist forum where I can say "I died tonight," and people will know what I'm talking about.
If you've had experiences like this before, would you share them with me? Or offer advice, support? I don't know where I'm going and somehow I need to have the courage to go there, to not turn back and lower my eyes... Right now I'd pretty much love to forget all this and fall back into how my life was yesterday... Does it get better? How does it get better? What is life without my ego? I'm not saying it's all gone, of course not...it's just... dying... and doesn't much like that fact.
My worst fear right now is that somebody will tell me this isn't normal and I'm going crazy. I'm hoping beyond hope that this isn't true.
Thanks for reading. Namaste.
Cristina
Well first of all, this morning, I had a spiritual experience on the way to work. I often do, though this time it was more wonderful than it had ever been before. I looked at the sky and it was beautiful, the sun, the clouds, the fog. I just began to cry at how beautiful it was. And I felt so open and aware and loving and full of positive energy. I laughed out loud a few times. It faded, of course, as it always does. I settled into the day. Then around 3, my stomach started feeling funny. It had felt a little funny all day, but this was more so, and I went to the bathroom to let it out, and had diarrhea. No biggie, happens sometimes. I figured it'd happen again shortly thereafter, which it did. But then when I went back to my office the second time...I don't know, I just felt like something wasn't right...my body felt kinda weak and my stomach didn't hurt like it normally did, just felt funny...so I decided to go home. I ate a slightly iffy sandwich last night and thought hey, maybe I am really getting sick. I should go home before it becomes difficult to take the bus and walk. So I did.
Got home. Felt..about the same..went to take a nap. But it was so strange. It felt, final... I felt like I was going to die. I lay down and I was kind of shivering. I couldn't get warm. I thought that this could be it. I may fall asleep and never wake up. I could really die right here. I wonder how long it would take for someone to barge in and find me. (I live alone and have no friends or family in the area.) I wasn't really scared though. It felt..okay... In my head, I started saying goodbye. Goodbye Mom and Dad, goodbye friend, goodbye coworker, down a short list, relatively unaffected, but then I said, mentally, "goodbye me." And began to sob. Images started flashing in my mind, me as a little girl, me as a teenager..I wouldn't say my whole life flashed before my eyes, but just little pieces here and there. I started hugging myself fiercely and saying, I love you, Cristina. This body isn't so bad. I haven't been so bad after all. Just normal. (I'm crying a little again now, recalling it.) I just felt so much love for myself. And I didn't want to let go.
I got up because I had to pee, and turned the heater on because I thought maybe it was just really cold in here, sat by it a while, then went back to take a nap. I didn't want to fall asleep though. I thought it could be the end. I think I ended up just dozing, feeling neither here nor there, not having much of a sense of time or anything going on around me (not that there was anything going on.) Then all of a sudden the heater turned off and I startled, awake. Something had changed. I didn't feel like I was dying anymore. I felt...kind of normal.
Queue the fear. (No I swear I don't know this life, God what am I doing here?) I'm scared. I feel like I did back when I had hardcore anxiety and didn't function well in society. But I also feel like this is a second chance, now that I know more, now that I know better... now that I have Buddhism. I am definitely afraid, but I don't so much "fear the fear" as I used to. In a way I've been asking for this, always claiming I wanted to wake up, to open up, to let my ego die and experience all the discomfort and fear and anxiety that entails. But now, surprise surprise, I don't want to feel this!!!
I'm scared. I'm just scared. But also a bit intrigued. A bit curious. And I don't know where else I can go, (therapy is on Wednesdays so I have a ways to go for that,) other than a Buddhist forum where I can say "I died tonight," and people will know what I'm talking about.
If you've had experiences like this before, would you share them with me? Or offer advice, support? I don't know where I'm going and somehow I need to have the courage to go there, to not turn back and lower my eyes... Right now I'd pretty much love to forget all this and fall back into how my life was yesterday... Does it get better? How does it get better? What is life without my ego? I'm not saying it's all gone, of course not...it's just... dying... and doesn't much like that fact.
My worst fear right now is that somebody will tell me this isn't normal and I'm going crazy. I'm hoping beyond hope that this isn't true.
Thanks for reading. Namaste.
Cristina
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Comments
You're not going crazy. It's okay to be scared.
Just remember "this too will pass".
Here's a talk about "Letting Go of Fear" which you might find helpful.
You had a gift in that experience. The realization of the future. Many Buddhists meditate often on death. It is a great way to begin looking at, and accepting what is.
Total ease, complete calm, absolute stillness, safe freedom, perfect happiness & pure peace…
Absence of any uncertainty, any doubt, any confusion, any delusion & all ignorance…
Presence of confidence, cleared certainty, understanding all, and direct experience…
Absence of any greed, lust, desire, urge, attraction, hunger, temptation and pull…
Presence of imperturbable indifference, serene composure & all stilled equanimity…
Absence of any hate, anger, aversion, hostility, irritation, & stubborn rigidity…
Presence of universal goodwill, infinite friendliness, all-embracing & boundless kindness…
:bigclap:
I love Ajahn Brahm. I've watched most of his videos, and the ones on fear were ones I watched nearly straight away when I first discovered him.
I think this is more like, though, that deep, fundamental anxiety that Pema Chodron talks about. The deep restlessness. I was listening to one of her talks last night and she said that one time she got really hooked by something and went to meditate in a hall all night, and she was just sitting with this painful feeling because she was so exhausted by it and couldn't really do anything else. And then she had an insight, that this is why she does everything she does--to avoid feeling this feeling. I had a similar insight this morning, thinking about her insight. Well actually it was the same insight, haha, but it just struck me in a way it never had before. And I felt really free. I thought about all of the addictions that grip me. "This is why I do this, this is why I do that..." Because I don't want to feel this! And I don't, truly, haha, but for the first time I felt a bit of freedom in it, like I said. I decided, "okay let's do it. Let's feel this way all day long today. I don't want to be controlled by this fear any longer. Fear, I meet you, I greet you, I say hello. Stay as long as you like. There is room for you here in the universe, and I created you, so I can marvel in my vast power in the meantime." It's not gone. I don't think it's going to be that easy. But I do think this is a good step.
Something else that helps is to take a vast perspective. To think about all the other people in the universe, to zoom out and see myself as very small. Because then there is so much room for anything that arises. And I am not this body. I am the awareness. I am not the sickness or the dysfunction. I am the mind that holds these things.
Life without ego sounds...pretty amazing. It's just so hard to imagine...
Oh one other thing. If any of you has had anxiety, maybe you'll be familiar with "that dreaded morning feeling." I've heard it described several times in anxiety self-help books and the like. I think this is that. And there are certainly ways to get rid of it-that's what the books teach. But the ways to get rid of it are our habitual tendencies, they are all the things we do in life to get away from this dreaded morning feeling! This dreaded feeling of "waking up!" It's astonishing how many people experience this, how many times I've experienced this and never realized that it went so much deeper than just having an anxiety disorder. I can now say that over 2 years ago when my anxiety first started, I didn't have a "nervous breakdown." I simply woke up for the first time.
Namaste.