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Compassionate listening.

ShiftPlusOneShiftPlusOne Veteran
edited October 2010 in Buddhism Basics
Hey,

I am having trouble with listening to people's problem: I don't care. 'course I care about big problems (I know it's relative), but if someone is stressed out about something small... I run into problems. I can listen for a while, give my opinion, care and try to show that I care... but then it gets repetitive. The same problem is brought up several times per day and day after day. Ultimately, whatever that person ends up doing is not going to matter in the long term, but they stress and stress over it. There is nothing I can say that will make the person stop worrying or make a choice, but they just want to discuss it. I can understand that, but my patience runs out and anger or frustration kicks in.

Also, it's often areas I have absolutely no knowledge in, nor do I want to. I have trouble adding anything valuable to the discussion and I have trouble truly caring. I care in the sense that I don't want this person to worry so much, but I don't care that much about what the person is worrying about.

I hope this makes sense... any thoughts?

Comments

  • GuyCGuyC Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Is there a reason why you haven't tried explaining to the person in question what you have just explained here?
  • username_5username_5
    edited October 2010
    It is a truism that what we find most annoying about others is that which is true about us, in some way.

    Someone talks, you give yourself a story about what they are doing (which may or may not be accurate) and then unpleasant phenomena arise in your mind.

    The unpleasant phenomena does not arise because of anything external, it arises because your mind made it arise. Why?
  • ShiftPlusOneShiftPlusOne Veteran
    edited October 2010
    GuyC, what makes you say I haven't? I tend to be straight forward with this person.

    username_5, it's not a story I gave myself, as I said I have discussed this with the said person.

    You are right though, it is my mind that's getting frustrated. That's why I am asking, I don't know how to handle it.
  • username_5username_5
    edited October 2010
    ShiftPlusOne wrote: »

    username_5, it's not a story I gave myself, as I said I have discussed this with the said person.

    You are right though, it is my mind that's getting frustrated. That's why I am asking, I don't know how to handle it.

    It is a story you give yourself, Shift. You are not upset with the other person, you are upset with the story you tell yourself about the other person.

    If you feel up to it you can give this technique a try:

    Shut off your thinking mind as it's just getting in your way. Go do a breath awareness meditation until your mind quiets down a good bit. Then ask yourself a question 'Why does so and so's behavior bother me?'. Then you just sit and see what arises. Something will arise and you don't think about it because thinking mind is getting in the way. Instead you notice what arises whether it be a thought, a feeling, an image, whatever. Then you say 'That's interesting... my question is 'why does so and so's behavior bother me?' then you sit some more. Various stuff will arise and pass and then your answer will arise. You will then know why so and so's behavior bothers you.
  • ShiftPlusOneShiftPlusOne Veteran
    edited October 2010
    Well, I know I am not frustrated with the other person. I never blamed the other person... if I thought it was the other person I wouldn't be asking.

    By the way, you're also right about the reflection of self thing. There's another part of me that goes "yeah... you and your small problems... what about me?", 'cause obviously my problems are just that much more important. I can see that, my selfishness disguised as rational thought is still something I am coming to grips with.

    Anyway, I'll do as you've recommended.
  • aMattaMatt Veteran
    edited October 2010
    ShiftPlusOne wrote: »
    I can listen for a while, give my opinion, care and try to show that I care... but then it gets repetitive.

    Sometimes, the tedium is the message. :) However, you describe having to listen over and over, which means it would almost certainly serve your friend better to stop. The archetype of the "dumping friend" is pretty widespread, and often the listening ear only provides them enough to stay in the rut, where a skillful ear would pull them out.

    If your advice is unheard or unhelpful, I would suggest you stop listening to them dump. If they build up enough tension, they might be in enough pain to make them work on ousting the pattern that causes it. You sound to be helping them maintain a status quo, which doesn't sound all that healthy.

    In the case of your own development, you might want to look at how sometimes being compassionate means not giving the person what they desire, so they can find what they really need.

    With warmth,

    Matt
  • SherabDorjeSherabDorje
    edited October 2010
    Read Thich Nhat Hanh on Mindful Listening.
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