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Advice Please: I am no longer attached, but how do I Forget? Should I want to?
I have an issue that's causing me a bit of confusion, and I'm having a bit of trouble finding a solution on my own. And I would be beyond grateful for the slightest amount of guidance. (I apologize in advance for the length).
I had been experiencing intense suffering from a break up this past year. The breakup having been caused by my clinging and constant doubting of my partner's feelings.
I've since learned that I sabotage relationships due to a 'preoccupied attachment style' caused from attachment/relationship issues in childhood.
Anyway, now that I am Aware of this issue, it isn't a problem. I no longer suffer from a sense of loss due to my attachment to this person because I now know that the reason for my attachment was my own idealized perception of him, etc.
I also feel that this relationship was never meant to work out- that the purpose of drawing this person into my life was in order to become aware of a dysfunctional pattern that I was recreating and would only continue to recreate.
So, I'm grateful for this newfound awareness that I don't think I would have gained otherwise. I believe that it was only after reaching a certain level of dysfunction and destruction that I even realized how truly dysfunctional I had become.
I am gradually gaining mastery over my emotions through mindfulness and meditation and focusing on inner peace and self-fulfillment rather than seeking it from without. And am learning a lot from Buddhist philosophy and psychology.
But herein lies my confusion: While I do not regret anything that has happened and am very grateful that it has delivered me to where I am now, I am still having trouble letting go how my ex-partner must view me.
He'd tried to be patient and understanding about my problems and my attachment issues and my feelings/attachment to him and offered to give me as much time as I would need, and would check in on me from time to time, and had expressed that even if it were never to work out romantically, he valued me enough as a person to want to maintain a friendship.
I know now that the relationship never could have worked out, mostly due to just bad timing and my own emotional immaturity, but there are so many qualities that he possesses that I now realize I would truly value in a friendship.
The problem is, at the time I wasn't emotionally able to view the benefits of having a friendship with him. I tried to give it a chance, and would be fine for a while and then would slip into a state of suffering all over again in his absence because I hadn't yet become aware of the root and cause of my suffering. I was essentially still clinging to him and the loss of the intimate relationship I had with him.
In that state of mind I was basically 'all or nothing.' I decided to totally cut him out of my life completely. I actually told him that I didn't think it was possible to be friends. That the only way to get over him was to have nothing to do with him on any level at all.
Well, I did get over him, but only because I learned about my attachment/abandonment issues. And not long after that was introduced to the Buddhist point of view on attachment and suffering.
So, I've grown so much from where I started and am only continuing in my spiritual and personal progression. And I don't regret what happened because it caused me to learn so much.
I do however think that I might regret HOW it happened. And I hate that I constantly doubted his integrity and intentions. And that I totally threw away a really good connection with someone that effortlessly.
That just shows how troubled a state of mind I was in, and anyone involved with me would have been assured that I was 'crazy.'
Now that I've overcome that issue though and have emotionally detached myself and have been growing more and more self-sufficient and content and aware of the source of certain emotions and am able to therefore prevent them and maintain control, I can't help but wonder if this was the wrong way to go.
Yes, I definitely believe that I was in no way at all ready to be involved intimately with anyone and don't plan to anytime soon, but I don't feel 'all or nothing now'. Now that I'm 'over it' I really would like to have a platonic friendship with him.
Is there something wrong with that? Or is that a sign that I might still be attached?
And even though I feel I've come a long way from that troubled girl who I was, I'm worried that the damage is done and I have a feeling that he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me at all after witnessing that level of dysfunction. That now that I am ABLE and willing to be friends, that he probably doesn't WANT to be friends anymore.
I guess all I can do is give it some time and try to reach out, and just move on if he rejects me. But I think it will continue to bother me if he doesn't want to.
I think my problem now is no longer attachment, but maybe rejection??
I guess the fact that this is even on my mind shows how far I still have to go...
I just don't know which direction to go in.
I've learned how to lessen my emotional attachment.
I've learned how to prevent attachment in the first place.
I've learned how to improve myself from past mistakes.
But I can't seem to figure out how to get rid of this other feeling I'm having which I can't quite put my finger on.
It's not exactly regret- because I wouldn't give back the lessons I've learned and the progression I've made for anything.
I wonder if it has do with forgiveness?
Do you think I'm still experiencing some sort of attachment?
How can I stop being concerned of what he may or may not think of me?
How can I not allow it to bother me that I so single-handedly destroyed my value in someone else's eyes through acting so extremely?
I have such clarity and peace right now about the whole situation as far as everything I've learned about myself from it, and am learning more and more each day- but for some reason I'm having trouble when it comes to the possibility that I have possibly caused another person to have an aversion to ME.
It's just a pretty bad feeling.
I know I shouldn't be concerned with it. That it's in the past and nothing can be done. But I can't help but think about it every once in a while. And I can't help but wonder if its possible for us to be friends one day.
So I'm a bit confused as far as which direction I need to be looking in with regards to this...
I'm really not sure what to do about it.
I hope my question isn't too long.
(I know this shouldn't be confusing, and many of you might think I have no business here, but I'd rather hear the POV from those more enlightened in the Buddhist mindset than I am, rather than receive some self-help advice from some dating forum. I'm not concerned with dating- I'm concerned with clearing this issue from my mind- I'm just not sure how to go about it).
Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
I had been experiencing intense suffering from a break up this past year. The breakup having been caused by my clinging and constant doubting of my partner's feelings.
I've since learned that I sabotage relationships due to a 'preoccupied attachment style' caused from attachment/relationship issues in childhood.
Anyway, now that I am Aware of this issue, it isn't a problem. I no longer suffer from a sense of loss due to my attachment to this person because I now know that the reason for my attachment was my own idealized perception of him, etc.
I also feel that this relationship was never meant to work out- that the purpose of drawing this person into my life was in order to become aware of a dysfunctional pattern that I was recreating and would only continue to recreate.
So, I'm grateful for this newfound awareness that I don't think I would have gained otherwise. I believe that it was only after reaching a certain level of dysfunction and destruction that I even realized how truly dysfunctional I had become.
I am gradually gaining mastery over my emotions through mindfulness and meditation and focusing on inner peace and self-fulfillment rather than seeking it from without. And am learning a lot from Buddhist philosophy and psychology.
But herein lies my confusion: While I do not regret anything that has happened and am very grateful that it has delivered me to where I am now, I am still having trouble letting go how my ex-partner must view me.
He'd tried to be patient and understanding about my problems and my attachment issues and my feelings/attachment to him and offered to give me as much time as I would need, and would check in on me from time to time, and had expressed that even if it were never to work out romantically, he valued me enough as a person to want to maintain a friendship.
I know now that the relationship never could have worked out, mostly due to just bad timing and my own emotional immaturity, but there are so many qualities that he possesses that I now realize I would truly value in a friendship.
The problem is, at the time I wasn't emotionally able to view the benefits of having a friendship with him. I tried to give it a chance, and would be fine for a while and then would slip into a state of suffering all over again in his absence because I hadn't yet become aware of the root and cause of my suffering. I was essentially still clinging to him and the loss of the intimate relationship I had with him.
In that state of mind I was basically 'all or nothing.' I decided to totally cut him out of my life completely. I actually told him that I didn't think it was possible to be friends. That the only way to get over him was to have nothing to do with him on any level at all.
Well, I did get over him, but only because I learned about my attachment/abandonment issues. And not long after that was introduced to the Buddhist point of view on attachment and suffering.
So, I've grown so much from where I started and am only continuing in my spiritual and personal progression. And I don't regret what happened because it caused me to learn so much.
I do however think that I might regret HOW it happened. And I hate that I constantly doubted his integrity and intentions. And that I totally threw away a really good connection with someone that effortlessly.
That just shows how troubled a state of mind I was in, and anyone involved with me would have been assured that I was 'crazy.'
Now that I've overcome that issue though and have emotionally detached myself and have been growing more and more self-sufficient and content and aware of the source of certain emotions and am able to therefore prevent them and maintain control, I can't help but wonder if this was the wrong way to go.
Yes, I definitely believe that I was in no way at all ready to be involved intimately with anyone and don't plan to anytime soon, but I don't feel 'all or nothing now'. Now that I'm 'over it' I really would like to have a platonic friendship with him.
Is there something wrong with that? Or is that a sign that I might still be attached?
And even though I feel I've come a long way from that troubled girl who I was, I'm worried that the damage is done and I have a feeling that he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me at all after witnessing that level of dysfunction. That now that I am ABLE and willing to be friends, that he probably doesn't WANT to be friends anymore.
I guess all I can do is give it some time and try to reach out, and just move on if he rejects me. But I think it will continue to bother me if he doesn't want to.
I think my problem now is no longer attachment, but maybe rejection??
I guess the fact that this is even on my mind shows how far I still have to go...
I just don't know which direction to go in.
I've learned how to lessen my emotional attachment.
I've learned how to prevent attachment in the first place.
I've learned how to improve myself from past mistakes.
But I can't seem to figure out how to get rid of this other feeling I'm having which I can't quite put my finger on.
It's not exactly regret- because I wouldn't give back the lessons I've learned and the progression I've made for anything.
I wonder if it has do with forgiveness?
Do you think I'm still experiencing some sort of attachment?
How can I stop being concerned of what he may or may not think of me?
How can I not allow it to bother me that I so single-handedly destroyed my value in someone else's eyes through acting so extremely?
I have such clarity and peace right now about the whole situation as far as everything I've learned about myself from it, and am learning more and more each day- but for some reason I'm having trouble when it comes to the possibility that I have possibly caused another person to have an aversion to ME.
It's just a pretty bad feeling.
I know I shouldn't be concerned with it. That it's in the past and nothing can be done. But I can't help but think about it every once in a while. And I can't help but wonder if its possible for us to be friends one day.
So I'm a bit confused as far as which direction I need to be looking in with regards to this...
I'm really not sure what to do about it.
I hope my question isn't too long.
(I know this shouldn't be confusing, and many of you might think I have no business here, but I'd rather hear the POV from those more enlightened in the Buddhist mindset than I am, rather than receive some self-help advice from some dating forum. I'm not concerned with dating- I'm concerned with clearing this issue from my mind- I'm just not sure how to go about it).
Any advice or guidance would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
0
Comments
Good job! You're making progress. You've swung the pickaxe and made some chips. You already have developed some helpful ideas about your problem. And now you are about to receive ideas from another angle (from where I am, reading the words you typed). Communication is "lossy", but hopefully you are able to get some use out of what I type.
First, I would like to say that from where I am, it looks like you have loooots more rock to dig through. Progress is progress, and if you keep it up you will finish, but I think you overestimate your progress a little, like everyone tends to do, myself included lol. This can sound like horrible news, but there's a better way to see it. That's life. There's no hurry. Life is picking with a pick axe. That's all.
Should you avoid him completely or try to maintain a friendship?
I say avoid contacting him at all for a month or two. Then, that might be the time to talk about forgivings, apologies, thankses, and well-wishes; by email or something, not in person. This is a good way to end things. And yes, I think you should put an end to the whole thing. It might sound bad, but really I think endings are some of the best things, even if they're a little sad for a little bit. But if you don't end it right, it's unended because there will probably be leftover feelings and thoughts from all that happened. Who knows exactly what happened and why and the details and stuff. All we know now is that there was a bunch of activity in the mind, it threw up a big cloud of dust, and now the dust cloud is starting to clear and there is confusion and leftover emotions. I think this is completely typical of the human mind.
I think there are definitely still lots of attachments left over in your mind. In my own mind too there are attachments around a particular someone left over from the past. Thoughts about this person come up veeery frequently! Don't worry, all humans suffer from this insanity. This enemy is not one that is to be defeated quickly, to be sure. We must be strong and fight our best fight. But not an aggressive fight. A patient, humble kind of fighting that allows us to relax. Maybe consider reading the bible for inspiration on humility. The spirit of humility is a great way to heal.
That's all I have to say for now. To sum it up, be patient, continue making positive change. Good luck! May you manage to make the effective changes.
I think your guitar strings are too tight. You need to relax and not hyper-analyse everything. Just let things flow. Sometimes, it's not only the only way, it's also the better way. Accept things as they are, because they are exactly as they are.
Why do you have to 'go' anywhere at all? Just be still where you are. Peace is process to engage in, not a goal to be reached.
Hmmm.... I'm not sure you have. I think that the pendulum has simply swung too far the other way.... There's nothing wrong with attachment, providing you also know there's nothing wrong with letting go.
And how is that working for you...? This isn't the Skillful way to proceed....
All progress is a lesson. However, if the medicine is not entirely suitable for the malady, then healing will not be as fulfuilling. Will it?
The feeling you have is that of denial. Self -denial and self-sacrifice are not necessarily constructive, no matter how noble the intention. Your aim was honest. Your target was off-kilter.
Definitely, if it includes yourself.
Ding ding ding.....:D
Through forgiving yourself and knowing you did what you thought was best at the time. Perspectives and perceptions alter. Hindsight is 20/20 vision. Quit beating yourself up over it.
What's the point?
Your intentions were honourable. if Aversion has arisen in another person, it is due to their perception, opinion and evaluation of the situation. You didn't cause anything. You acted in a way you thought right at the time.
So? Quit feeling it. Who's creating this feeling in the first place?
It would be possible today. Just either pick up the 'phone, or write. Don't prevaricate. Act. What do you have to lose?
I think the reason you're confused is because you don't realise what the problem is in the first place.
Lucky you. As a Moderator both here and on a dating forum, you have both in one neat package.
Well done you!
And I think you have a point there- I mean attachment was my main issue- I've always had attachment issues my entire life which seem to manifest in polarizing behaviors such as either keeping to far of a distance or clinging much too tightly.
I've always had a problem making/keeping friends (through the distance) and the two relationships I've had- I go in the opposite direction and get attached>( this previous one was the most severe though and is what made me realize that there was an underlying problem- and guess realizing it was the first step because that helped me immensely).
So I guess it would be much to early to say that I'm rid of most of that problem since it's something that's been there for so very long. Maybe it's just the tip of the iceberg, and who knows how far down it actually reaches?
I don't think I'd have to worry about ever getting attached that strongly again, since I'll always be mindful immediately of any emotions which form- and will therefore be much better able to maintain control rather than acting so impulsively.
But I know I'll be extremely wary of forming any type of connection with anyone- especially since its hard for me in the first place and that any connections I do form I guess are only with those who I idealize in some type of way= hence the ensuing attachment.
I think a friendship will be good with him because the foundation is there already as opposed to other 'friends' I've had whom I usually don't allow past the level of acquaintance for the most part. As well as it helping me remain mindful of rising attachment.
I think maybe I'm having a hard time accepting the connection I've destroyed.
Which I guess stems from a sense of loss- which is obviously a symptom of attachment.
Wow.
(Guess I kinda feared that's what it was- there's really no way around that).
But there's nothing wrong with wanting a human connection is there? Because attachment hasn't been my only issue- I constantly isolate myself as well.
But that gets kind of lonely...
So I obviously don't really regret what happened because it served a purpose as far as making me aware that this was something that needed to be addressed, but I think I kind of resent that it was a the sacrifice of something good.
As far as self-forgiveness, what is the Buddhist POV on getting past that? What text would you recommend that contains guidance on that subject?
At the moment I've been reading some teachings of Lama Yeshe, but I'm relatively new to the Buddhist way of thought.
I've always embraced the concepts of Stoicism and the teachings of Epictetus, but have never known HOW to put a lot of them into personal practice-
What I love about what I'm learning so far about the Buddhist way of thought is that not only are there many similarities between the philosophies and many shared concepts (from what I've come across so far), but Buddhism also offers methods on achieving these things, while Stoicism lays out the ideals, but doesn't really show you how to get there..?
Oh man, I seem to have such a very long way to go..
Believe it or not- even in this confusion, I am 100 times less conflicted than I started out lol. (You should have seen me before haha).
I really am grateful by the way to those of you who are attempting to help. Shared wisdom is alway greatly appreciated
Thank you.
And maybe if I just continue to explore and delve further into the teachings of Buddhism, then the answers will come to me in time, rather than me just expecting to have all of then answers all at once.
Thank all of you so much though.
Here is the paradoxical thing. You already have all the answers, you just aren't seeing them.
Have you ever had an experience where you misplaced something? Maybe a key, remote control, whatever? You think about the last place you recall leaving it and go check. It's not there. You think about it some more and go check those places. It's not there. Now you are worked up and obsessed with finding what you are looking for so you tear the house apart looking absolutely everywhere. You still don't find it.
Eventually you get exhausted and just stop looking. Shortly after you give up the location of the item just 'pops into your head'.
You already had the answer your were looking for, but you couldn't access the information that was in your own mind. Sometimes the way to find what you are looking for is to stop looking for it.
I'm just going to leave it alone and trust that everything reveal itself when I am more able to see it.
For now I should just focus on improving myself with the insight that I've gained thus far, and continuously strive to learn more.
Thanks.
Also, I want to emphasize that I believe trying to maintain a friendship with him would be dangerous. Actually, I think it would be sure to cause further attachments and sufferings. Life is always changing. Things begin, and things end. It is possible to be comfortable with this, and it's much nicer than being trapped in attachments and sufferings. I really hope you decide to aspire to let go of this guy completely little by little. Even if you don't have other good friends. If you make certain changes in your mind, then you won't even need/want friends. Social isolation is a good thing. All humans have problems. What is in others that will make it better for us? What they have, we have. Except we can learn to control our minds. We can't control others.
Also, check out this thread, you might be able to gleam something from it.
http://newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7135
I am codependent. That sounds like a lot of what you deal with in relationships. Buddhism has helped a ton, but I had to get some additional help with therapy. There was also a really great group at www.dailystrength.com (sorry for the plug! I don't even go there anymore!) under Codependence that really kept my sight focused and not just looking at the stories I was telling myself in my head.
Hug yourself, because if I were there I'd give you a huge hug! And also because it feels good even if it's silly :-)
Being Human, Human Being.
And occasionally, you can also get yourself thoroughly knotted up, confused, and pulled this way and that by thinking of matters in both Buddhist terms and 'emotionally attached' "non-Buddhist" terms....
It's hard to think using one line of thought, when your heart is being pulled in another.
Please know, it's natural, to be expected, very common and an experience shared - I would conservatively estimate - by practically everyone on here.
"Buddhism teaches Non-attachment."
"Yeah, but it still &%@#+* hurts!! aaaaargh!!!" :rant: :banghead:
- And that's ok.
2. Sabotage ? How ?
3. So, it's a good thing you realised you were chasing some ghosts.
4. This failed relationship, was a two edged sword. On one hand, you finally realised that you were chasing some ghosts while drunk with an illusory ideal, and on the other hand it was bad for your emotional balance. About the recreation of that image, once you get detached in the true sense of the word, that image will have no value for you. I know this.
5. Yees, the feeling of being free. When I was put in the lowest level of 'hell' my grades in school were in free-fall. Once I learned to detach, my grades began to rise up again, because my mind wasn't distracted by that image you are speaking about.
6. Me too. I am still strugling to control the fear that it is in me. Well, I guess we have something in common with the meditation, and life experience
7. Well, I am neither grateful or hateful for my failed relationship. What had happened, had happened and I saw the end, which was nor good, nor bad. As I can see 'you are looking at yourself through the eyes of the people that hate you' as Immortal Technique used to say. You got one last attachement to cut, and that is the way you view yourself. You should view yourself through your eyes, and be yourself, not the ideal image that your ex-partener is supposed to have in his mind. One thing that ruined my 'relationship' was the way my ex used to see other boys, and her ideal image was of a punk-rock guy with emo hairstyle. She told me that I was different from the guys(punk-rockers, weed-high,unable to be calm) she knew because : I use to shave my head (not really bald, nearly like Caesar style from GTA S.A.) and that I am calm, and listen to rap and reggae. So, it's worthless to adopt the standards of your ex, just to be yourself.
8. He seems like a nice guy to me. Now, I don't know what to say about you emotional immaturity. Your break-up was because of your immaturity, or because was in some way his fault ?
9. Oh, I get it, mostly your 'fault'. Well, you didn't lose one arm, so I guess you have nothing to cry about. As I said, what had happened, had happened , and that's it. I assume you have plenty of time to repair your mistakes, and evolve to a better and more full-of-win situation.
10. That was a bit harsh to tell him that you don't want to see him anymore.I didn't tell my ex that I want to return to the state were I hadn't even known her. I behaved like I did it.
11. Now you have learned not do that mistake again, haven't you ?
12. Back in those days of 'suffering' my parents described me as a really cold and harsh person, 'who was about to slit some throats with his violence in thinking and speech".
13. In this situation there is no wrong way to go. At some time your relationship would have ended, and pressumably one of you would have suffered from the break-up.
14. Me and my ex, maintain contact but I am neutral with her, like nothing had happened. We speak on YMessenger once in a few months, and the discussion topics revolve around giving her advice about what should she do when meeting one of her friends.
15. Don't worry about that. He will just behave like me : neutral. Or, in the worst case he will do anything to ignore you. But you aren't scared about being ignored by him, aren't you ?
16. You are attached to being rejected by a ghost of your past. You have already rejected the ghost, why do you need the ghost to reject you ?
17. There is no far and no close here. It's about an instinctual 'I still want that' or ' I don't have the need for that anymore'.
18. The grass is green, the sun is warm...this is the direction : go for a jogging outside.
19. That is the result of your detachment.
20. Idem #19.
21. It's a sort of a 'left-over' attachement. Leave it there. Don't try to focus on it.
22. Simple : don't think about what he would be thinking about you. See #7.
23. Just move on.
24. In some situations, you create suffering for people whom you don't know unintentionally. Don't worry about that. Just observe how you create that suffering and try to change someting.
25. Time heals wounds.
26.
Being analytical can be both a blessing and a burden. On one hand, I feel I understand things and people on a pretty decent level, and on the other... sometimes it is truly heavy on the mind. I tend to look at people, things, events, and literature as a puzzle to be solved. My mom picks on me all the time about this haha.
Now, I feel almost grateful towards my ex that ended our relationship. The cliche saying 'he's doing you a favor' rung true for me. I wasn't really doing much when we were together, not physically, mentally, or spiritually. In fact, we were both in a state of mindlessness (alcohol and mindless activities especially.) really... which I'm pretty sure he still exists in.
Did you become interested in Buddhism after the break up? I did, and I find that my ideas of clinging/desire caused a lot of suffering beforehand. But because I had no clue before, I could do nothing to stop myself from clinging. The reason I ask is, while the breakup I experienced was 'bad' it lead to very very good things. Maybe you are setting out on a very good path also? For instance, I never thought of college before, but now I'm so ready to go. Volunteering is also something that never would have crossed my mind either, but now it's on my mind every day.
I had trouble letting go of how my ex viewed me as well- due to a mental illness I used to do and say some very mean things. All I can do is forgive myself, forgive him, and move on. I don't need his praise or blame. While I did cause a lot of suffering to both of us, I learned from it and kept moving. This is, of course, harder than it sounds. Hard, but not impossible.
It's a slow process. Be patient with yourself.
Blessings & metta
Mtns
I started out just so desperate because I knew that it was getting to the point where I needed help outside of myself.
After I reviewed a diagnosis for 'preoccupied attachment' was when I realized the cause without a doubt: Attachment/idealized perceptions. After that I just went through random Internet searches on overcoming attachment issues, mastering emotional attachment, etc. Came across a lot self-help as well as general psychology articles and blogs that were pretty helpful.
Buddhism never really entered my mind again until I landed on an article on attachment and suffering on a blog called moonpointer.
I skimmed through more of the entries on attachment as well as other subjects on the website (all from a Buddhist perspective) and was just amazed.
So it was only then that I started wondering about all that the Buddhist point of view had to offer- to be honest, at that point I wasn't concerned about anything except the advice on attachment which is what was causing the heaviest affliction at that point.
Ended up on the resource section of this site, which led me to A Buddhist Library. I honestly was a bit overwhelmed and had no idea at all where to start. Finally landed on Lama Yeshe: Become your Own Therapist. Which really really helped me overcome my biggest issue at the time which was having the most crippling effect. I know that I still have much to work on regarding attachment and other things- but at least I am smiling again. My heart had been so heavy before that I literally could not focus on anything other than pain and remorse and sense of loss.
And it helped immensely as far as showing me how to deal with negative emotions/thoughts that arise by pausing and acknowledging them and examining them and the source and the cause. Basically how to remain conscious and pensive of my emotions and behavior at all times. So I can honestly say that I no longer have such a problem with impulsiveness as I did.
What originally led me here once again is this vague confusion (re: my original post) that arises every once in a while and usually passes pretty quickly- but no matter how much I ponder it and try to get to the root of it, it still continues to arise.
I really became curious as far as receiving personal advice from the perspective of real people who practice Buddhism (which is how I ended up registering here).
I really can't believe how very helpful and open everyone has been. I honestly was initially only drawn here out of the interest of getting over this issue-
So even though I feel more... I guess the only word for it is peaceful- more than I've ever felt in my entire life, and feel I have an actual purpose for my life and feel greater than I ever have- after witnessing the compassion that is resonating in this forum, and experiencing the undeniable truth in the effectiveness of applying those methods which I learned in the teaching of Lama Yeshe on the one subject, the slight intrigue I had in learning more about the principles of Buddhism has developed into a full-fledged interest.
Yesterday I came across Fundamental Teachings
http://home.swipnet.se/ratnashri/buddhism.htm
And I spent most of the night reading it and pondering its contents. I wouldn't exactly call myself a Buddhist at this point- but there's no denying that the attitude on virtue/non-virtue, and karma, morality, etc is one of pure truth, and I honest feel myself being drawn further. Why would I want to turn back to a life of confusion and self-caused suffering when the antidote is sitting here right before my eyes?
So perhaps this is the beginning?
check out these:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2UoTFF3uJU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzgeh6c4ihE
Recommend it highly - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTJHmmUNRRw
All the best.
It sounds like we have a lot in common. Up until recently, I still felt the little 'pings' of pain or anxiety from my ex and the events that transpired. But the more time passes, the less it hurts and the more neutral I become towards the whole situation. It now seems so far away and impermanent.
Have you tried sending forgiveness to your ex and forgiving yourself as well? This was the biggest step for me... I sent him a letter for closure bascially stating that I forgave him for everything and was starting a new chapter.
Also, you mentioned regret. It is hard to regret things if you learn from your mistakes and the wrongdoings of others. There's a therapist-saying that states 'Should shouldn't be a word!' because if you dwell on things that 'should' have happened, or things you 'should' do, you create much suffering and set yourself up for failure. Each experience, even the bad ones, are opportunities to learn.
I think you are headed in the right direction... I have accomplished much since leaving my ex, and will accomplish much more. It was a blessing in disguise. I have quit smoking, drinking, and druggin, with the exception of one glass of wine on occasion, I have enrolled in college, returned to my family, become spiritual and compassionate, have plans to travel and volunteer overseas, and just yesterday I attended the Dalai Lama's teaching! If you asked me two months ago if any of those things would happen, the answer would have been a resounding NO! But the important thing here is... I'm not special.
Which reminds me of a Taoist story I read:
A farmer's horse once ran off to a foreign land. The neighbors said it was terrible, but the farmer shrugged 'Maybe, maybe not.' Later, the horse returned with a thouroughbred foreign horse. The neighbors said this was a wonderful thing. The farmer just shrugged 'Maybe, maybe not.' The horses mated, and the farmer became a wealthy horse trader. One day his son was riding and fell and broke a hip. The neighbors said it was terrible, but he just shrugged, 'Maybe, maybe not.' Next year, foreigners invaded and all able-bodied young men were drafted. Almost all died in battle. The army had taken the man's fine horses, but his son, because of his broken hip, was spared.