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is this realism or cynicism?

GrimGrim
edited October 2010 in Buddhism Basics
After disappointments with two friends in the same week, I realized (again) that expectations are a source of suffering. People are wrapped up in themselves and their own suffering. It is pointless to expect them to take more than a superficial interest in the life of someone else or to be careful with their words and actions.

Friendships are impermanent, much like relationships, jobs and life itself. They are a necessary and valuable part of life so long as you don't cling to them. Loving-kindness does not preclude detachment.

Be friends with everyone. Be close friends with no one.

Is this realistic or am I being cynical?

Comments

  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    edited October 2010
    I would agree with most of what you said with the exception of "Be close friends with no one." That part sounds a bit cynical to me.
  • JasonJason God Emperor Arrakis Moderator
    edited October 2010
    Grim wrote: »
    After disappointments with two friends in the same week, I realized (again) that expectations are a source of suffering. People are wrapped up in themselves and their own suffering. It is pointless to expect them to take more than a superficial interest in the life of someone else or to be careful with their words and actions.

    Friendships are impermanent, much like relationships, jobs and life itself. They are a necessary and valuable part of life so long as you don't cling to them. Loving-kindness does not preclude detachment.

    Be friends with everyone. Be close friends with no one.

    Is this realistic or am I being cynical?

    I'd say a bit of both, although it's definitely more on the cynical side. I've had a similar view throughout most of my life, as the majority of my friendships have been superficial and short-lived.

    Nevertheless, I've since come to see certain friendships in a more meaningful way. As travellers in life, we're by nature of being 'individuals' isolated from one another; yet in as much as we're able to accompany one another through our solitary journeys, we can share little pieces of ourselves with each other via bonds that can't easily be put into words.

    These bonds, which may be rare, are partially what I think underlies the Buddha's words to his cousin, Ananda, in SN 45.2:
    Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life.
  • unsuiunsui
    edited October 2010
    Grim wrote: »
    After disappointments with two friends in the same week, I realized (again) that expectations are a source of suffering.

    I think you've said something very worthwhile right here. Our suffering comes from the expectations we make.

    I have had several people in my life who I've considered friends but ended up hurting me in one way or another. Something I realized recently is that the reason they hurt me is because I expected something in return for the friendship I gave them. When the relationship didn't reciprocate, I felt hurt.

    @#^@$#!!!" I could've thought, "Well, so-and-so said he would be there for me and he wasn't, too bad, but at least we had some good times."

    Maybe it's not cynicism you need to develop, but changing your perspective to one of giving without expectation.

    Just my opinion.
  • WisdomandcompassioWisdomandcompassio
    edited October 2010
    Grim wrote: »
    After disappointments with two friends in the same week, I realized (again) that expectations are a source of suffering. People are wrapped up in themselves and their own suffering. It is pointless to expect them to take more than a superficial interest in the life of someone else or to be careful with their words and actions.

    Friendships are impermanent, much like relationships, jobs and life itself. They are a necessary and valuable part of life so long as you don't cling to them. Loving-kindness does not preclude detachment.

    Be friends with everyone. Be close friends with no one.

    Is this realistic or am I being cynical?

    A bit of both. It is important that you avoid making generalizations. There are over six billion people on this earth and we are all unique. There are two people who are exactly the same. This means, that there will be people who are interested in the lives of others and are careful with their words and actions. I have met people who are interested in others because they want to help. The Buddha was a great example of a person who was interested in the lives of others.

    It is healthy to have close friendships, but it is about finding a person who is suitable and has an interest in your life.
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