How to overcome fantasy about an opposite sex...

pain

I've made a thread similar to this but I wanted to ask some questions so here I go.

There is a girl in my school who used to show me tons of interest when we first met. We didn't talk much but she would always smile at me and try to initiate conversations with me.

In all honesty, she's a very attractive girl and I felt really validated by it. But then, I somehow started acting arrogant and cocky in front of her and she eventually lost interest.

When she stopped showing me interest, I found myself craving her attention and started thinking about her all the time. Fast forward to few weeks ago, I mustered up the courage to sorta ask her out but I was politely turned down.

Now whenever I see her, my stomach drops and I get a jolt of intense anxiety. The bad thing is that I have to see her everyday because we have several classes together.

Now I'm at a point where I can't even look her in the eye or say hi to her because of the anxiety I get whenever she's around.

My mind is always busy fantasizing about this girl. I'm really tired of thinking about her and I'd really like to move on but my mind just won't stop the fantasies. I try to be mindful of it and snap myself out of the fantasies by focusing on my breath but it's not enough.

What are your thoughts on this? What are some "right" actions I could take here?

ShiftPlusOne

That's just lust, it will pass. Not very helpful, I know... but it will.

GuyC

Head hair, body hair, nails, teeth and skin. That's all you can see.

All the visible stuff of a human being is dead cells. The visible part of hair is dead cells, the living part is underneath the scalp. The visible part of nails are dead, the living part is underneath the skin. The visible part of teeth are dead, the root is the living part which is underneath. The outer-most part of the skin is dead.

All you can see when you look at or fantasise about a member of the opposite sex is death.

pain

I know it will pass but it's been going on for a long time now. More than a year. It really doesn't help that I have to see her everyday. I wish there was something I could do to reduce or prevent the anxiety I get around her.

Jeffrey

It is most likely infatuation in addition to lust. At young ages we don't realize that relationships are not the end all be all of life that magically fulfill all our desires.

Its crappy experiences like this one that will teach you the truth. Relationships and the opposite sex can be wonderful I don't want to hide that. But they can also be a nightmare.

I think you just have to experience this anxiety until the insight comes to you that she is not available to you and when that realization hits home, not intellectually I know you already know she is not available. But when you admit she is not available to your heart and soul. At that point your interest in her will be small and she will not be someone who makes you feel that way.

It might take a LONG time for you to have that realization.

GuyC

Anapanasati should help with the anxiety. Asubha should help with the lust.

questionful

Good luck. You are in a difficult situation.
I gave someone advice in this thread, check it out it may help:

http://newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?t=7135

I recommend you do everything Buddha said. This requires faith, because there's no way for you to see what it will bring except by doing it. But I promise you that it works. To provide some evidence, I admit that I was basically in your situation some time ago. I frequently fantasized about females, I desired some really badly, I wanted a relationship really badly, I wanted sex really badly, I got really anxious when interacting with certain females, and I was getting tired of various related problems. I will call all of those things point A. Now I am at point B. I have renounced the aspiration to have sex and/or a relationship, I don't get unreasonably anxious when interacting with females (this I saw last friday, briefly interacted with a friend's very hot girlfriend, only experienced adequate anxiety, sooooo much less than at point A), I am much better able to halt fantasies involving females, and with less doubt, effort, and time. I feel a lot better and I feel like I have done the right thing and am much better off.

The thing is I can't tell you the stuff between point A and point B. The nature of the in between thing is such that you must find it for yourself by your own effort. Teachings and guidance can certainly help a lot, but it is really up to you. That is why I say you dedicate yourself to practicing the path. Don't worry about having to do anything drastic. You don't. You only have to go one little step at a time. So only worry about one little step at a time. This is not too hard, and in time will pay off.

Good luck.

exonesion

Hi. I think the best actions you should take is to act normally and smile. Infatuations during teenange years is sometimes messy and unpleasant. I am 16 and I've gone through what you're going through right now. And honestly that feels like living hell.
Her presense would always make you feel uncomfortable and uneasy but there are some solutions.

first solution: Wait out infatuation and wait for it to disappear. However it might take ages or never.

Second solution: Meditate. Observe your feelings. Observe your emotions. Over time you'll see they have the aggregate of impermanance and suffering as they arise and fall.

Third solution: Meditation(again). Keep your mind neutral. Be friends with her. Don't harbour any other thoughts. Keep your mind on studies.

questionful

^^ IMO your advice is good except "act normal and smile." If I were you I wouldn't even bother (what does normal mean anyway). Just try to avoid her as much as possible. If you have to work with her in class just say/do what's necessary to get the work done without hurting anyone's feelings. In any event, be honest, respectful, and brief. And I would strongly advise you don't pursue a friendship with her. Just cut her out of your life. There's plenty of other humans. With this one you have bad karma. Time to leave relations with that one behind.

This is a good simple thing to keep in mind regarding behavior.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oCLGzEvJSnw

Glow

Ask yourself, "Will this matter a year from now? Will you still be worrying about it then?" Most likely not. Crushes are normal. So is getting turned down.

If you're using meditation to try and make your fantasizing stop or to stop thinking/feeling certain things, it won't happen. The real practice is to learn to be kind to yourself and accept that your mind right now wants to go where it wants to go. In the end, it's just thinking. Sometimes thinking is useful. Sometimes not. When it's not, you have the option of not reacting to the thoughts with more thoughts. (E.g, "Lustful thought." --> Ooh, I shouldn't have a lustful thought!" --> "I must find a way to stop this lustful thinking!" --> "Oh man, it's not working! WhatdoIdo??", etc.) Let thoughts be, and go about the daily business of life.

Once you let go of the impulse to control your inner experience, you'll find the freedom you're looking for.

letitbe13

I have, very recently, developed a marked neutrality toward sex and 'chasing boys'. It's not that I want to run out and be celibate or anything, however I've developed sort of a not good, not bad attitude toward it. This confuses me because I've never felt that way before. It could be because:

I'm taking antidepressants, although it didn't set in at the time I started taking them. That doesn't nessecarily mean it's not because of them though.
Or-
I've learned to be content with myself.
Or-
I don't want to 'use' anyone for sex so, even though I've had dates recently it hasn't ended in a lustful way, because I have started to feel that promiscuous sex could potentially be harmful to myself or the other person.

I think Shift is right, as simple as it sounds. Things I thought to be permanent as close as a month or two ago turned out to be very much impermanent. Sometimes the simplest answer is the best answer. I had to hit a lot of walls.