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The Heavens Above
ThailandTom
Veteran
Hello fellow dharma people 
I will make this as brief as possible and as simple as can be.
Some of you may know of somebody who had a profound impact on my life, somebody who I have mentioned in 'help' or 'advice' threads before and somebody who is no longer in my life down to my own doing/choice. I have been really fine with the situation for the past month and was at peace with everything. Recently I have started to cling once again, to feed these hungry cravings and desire communication and just time in general with this person. I have still not been able to get back into a decent meditation routine and continue to be a slack idiot towards the notion itself. However, I managed to cope okay for a while.
So, tonight I decided to come up to the roof of my place and lay out under the stars as I cannot sleep and I seek peace/answers. It is now 2.20am and I have been up here for an hour just laying out with a cool refreshing breeze. The vast open space and splendor above really did help me to some extent. I thought to myself why do I cling to her so, why am I so irrational and attached to the point of being depressed. I realised I should welcome these unhappy thoughts/feelings instead of fighting with them in an ever losing battle. I tried to examine these thoughts, stem out the source and be positive about the entire matter, this helped some what and I felt a brief moment of total peace and happiness.
Now, I am here to ask if anybody can add to what I have said and steer me in a logical, wise and appropriate direction? People on this forum seem to have slightly different opinions and advice, but it is all welcomed trust me and seems to help considerably
Tom
I will make this as brief as possible and as simple as can be.
Some of you may know of somebody who had a profound impact on my life, somebody who I have mentioned in 'help' or 'advice' threads before and somebody who is no longer in my life down to my own doing/choice. I have been really fine with the situation for the past month and was at peace with everything. Recently I have started to cling once again, to feed these hungry cravings and desire communication and just time in general with this person. I have still not been able to get back into a decent meditation routine and continue to be a slack idiot towards the notion itself. However, I managed to cope okay for a while.
So, tonight I decided to come up to the roof of my place and lay out under the stars as I cannot sleep and I seek peace/answers. It is now 2.20am and I have been up here for an hour just laying out with a cool refreshing breeze. The vast open space and splendor above really did help me to some extent. I thought to myself why do I cling to her so, why am I so irrational and attached to the point of being depressed. I realised I should welcome these unhappy thoughts/feelings instead of fighting with them in an ever losing battle. I tried to examine these thoughts, stem out the source and be positive about the entire matter, this helped some what and I felt a brief moment of total peace and happiness.
Now, I am here to ask if anybody can add to what I have said and steer me in a logical, wise and appropriate direction? People on this forum seem to have slightly different opinions and advice, but it is all welcomed trust me and seems to help considerably
Tom
0
Comments
Stop putting judgments on yourself. You aren't a "good meditator" when you are practicing diligently...it's just conditions. You aren't a "bad meditator" when your practice declines...it's just conditions. Let things be. Let yourself be. Let go of the expectations you put on yourself. Observe changing conditions rather than react to them. Put your mental energy into knowing yourself rather than trying to change yourself.
The irony is, when you do this you will change in a positive way anyway.
Bingo! When the unhappy thoughts and feelings come an knock at your door greet them, be hospitable and let them inside. Poor them some tea, make them feel at home. Then after you have had a chat and it is time for them to go, take them to the door, wave good bye and then shut the door. DON'T FOLLOW THE UNHAPPY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TO THEIR HOME!
In other words, be aware of mental phenomena, but don't get caught up in it - either with attachment or aversion. Let go, let things be. Make peace, be kind, be gentle, be patient. Try to be mindful and let things take their natural course, etc. etc.
I had a great meditation session earlier actually. I was able to remain in said state for longer than usual and I had many distractions as well. I also began to re=read a good book I have written by the dalai lama for maybe the fifth time. Each time I read it, I come to understand sections of it a little more. I am still trying to get my noggin around certain things and deal with this insanely strong attachment of mine.
As I have already stated, this ex girlfriend of mine who I was with for nearly 2 years moved away back to her home country with family, somebody who I honestly have a huge attachment to. I have had previous lengthy relationships but this impacted me in a very unique manner.
So anyway, we had to settle for long distance as we had no means to go to each other. That in turn began to taint the connection, the relationship we had and started to remove anything pure and good within it. It was sheer pain to be so far yet to still have contact with this person, so I decided we needed to be apart, but this is just as painful but in a slightly different way.
That was a fair few months ago now, and I am still very much attached. The thing is, tonight we spoke and she has started her 3rd year of university. She was speaking of a guy who she is getting on really well with and says they could become more than friends, but she doesn't know. I do not think this is wrong in any way, I fully understand we are apart and I decided to give up on the relationship, so she has her own life and I am fully accept that, BUT it does not stop it from hurting really bad. I mean, it feels like I have broken up with her all over again, in fact I have had that feeling repeated for the last 6 months, but this time it just hurts incredibly. People say, 'oh with time it gets better,' and it does, with all of my other relationships, but I still feel the same heartache and suffering to this date.
I am asking for help and i do need it for two reasons. Firstly it is the single biggest hindrance to my buddhist path. Obviously the suffering fluctuates but it is always there none the same, always. When I am in the deep end of suffering due to this, my view becomes distorted. It is similar to en example I heard in a scripture. ''When you heat up a pan of water on a stove, it becomes hot and begins to bubble. If you go and look at your reflection in the water, you will not see yourself or anything clearly. This is the same as anger and deep emotion when we look at ourselves and the world around us.''
It basically totally throws me off of the path. I feel this if I have contact with her because I am no longer with her, I hear of her life without me and I suffer, yet with no contact at all, I cannot stop thinking of her and suffer also....
Secondly, It is such a bane on my life that I feel trapped, I feel tortured from time to time and I honestly have contemplated just jumping off of the roof of my place. I am not too low to actually do it, but it crosses my mind as the pain would be gone if I did do it.
Sorry for it being long winded, again. But I honestly do need some words of advice..
Tom
At the moment though, my head is still swirling from time to time. I can be content and at peace with it one moment, then the next I fall into a pool of depression, the fact is I have almost learned how to swim.
To most people this whole things probably seems ridiculous or some sill young relationship, but the amount of attachment involved here is crazy. I would go as far to say this is maybe the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My meditation and buddhist practice is at it's strongest and purest position since I first sat down and read about the four noble truths nearly 2 years ago now. I think this situation is helping my practice and my practice is helping the situation.
I have also realised one other thing, I was the one to make the decision of breaking contact all of those times due to the introduction of long distance, I know it hurt me to do so and I know it hurt her a great deal also. I think I have been clinging for many reasons, but one of them may have been I wanted her to be totally happy. Now she is happy and may soon be in a relationship with somebody, she can be totally happy in her opinion. Maybe on a subconscious level this is all I wanted, on the surface I was riddled with jealousy, pain, anger and regret, but deep down I wanted her to be happy.
However, like I said there are still many moments in my day where I feel helpless and feel as if I want to go insane. I only got this new news 2 nights ago after all..
I personally believe cutting contact completely in situations like this is the key to moving on. That's not to say you won't be a part of her life in some way down the track but the most important thing for now is giving yourself the best chance to move on. Even if you need to be completely honest with her and say you are struggling to get over her and think it is best not to be a part of each other's lives all until you have completely healed. It is easy to idealise people and situations particularly when circumstances mean we can not be with them. There is a reason you are not together (you may not see this now) so unless you move to where she is or she moves to where you are and you get back together (or try the long-distance thing) this situation will be a constant source of suffering for you. Free yourself of her. And don't think of this as a hindrance to your path, it is actually a blessing. One of the biggest tests you'll face. And the fact is as life goes on there will be many more 'obstacles' on the way. It is just part of being human.
Regards
RC
* Bell sounds *
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* empty space *
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Would you happen to have any wise words or sources to help with this specific attachment and 'letting go'??
Must be some nice people you could start to socialize with in Hua Hin.
Get out and see whats going down in your end of town.
I am not in fact seeking comfort or sympathy here, I am more seeking logical and rational advice. I am fully aware that me and only me can get me out of this dark hole, but I also know that I do not have the correct mindfulness or tools to do so at present. Again, it probably seems to be such a pathetic and insignificant matter to most people, but this really will not stop hurting. I mean, like I have already said I TRIED to apply no contact about 10 months ago for the first time as I could see the distance was killing me and also her, so that is when we first broke up. But I can even cry like now and it has been 10 months since.. How silly.
But yes, I tried to meditate today in fact and I didn't get far, these thoughts just clouded my mind so much that I could not find peace. I have also tried to think of the concept of non self but I am just do not have a profound understanding on the matter.
If you can't concentrate on meditation, you can gain similar calmness by chanting about 5 malas of om mani padme hum.
keep chanting even if your thoughts is in turmoil. Slowly you will feel the blissfulness.