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two things that happened to me yesterday- seeking advice
Oh man I just wrote a really long post and for some reason I was not able to post it. Now to start over... 
I'm confused and seeking advice on all of this so feel free to question my motives and my thought process as well as answer my questions. I'm thick skinned. :rolleyes: I really would like some advice, commentary, criticism, whatever about my current situation.
First, I've been in therapy for the first time recently about depression. I'm not on meds as of yet and hope to stay off them. Lately I've had a few hard knocks in life that would bum anyone out but I have not dealt with them well. Generally things are better now and the therapy has been mostly practical- things like organizing my household chores, setting goals for going back to school, etc. For these small things it has been beneficial. For larger things, not so much. A while back, I studied Buddhism strictly out of interest in the subject. I do stuff like that- get obsessed with a particular subject and study it intently for a year or two and then move on. So Buddhism was really the "latest" in a series of interests. I read a lot on my own, practiced some meditation and mindfulness on my own, and I did a retreat at the Root Institute in Bodh Gaya and also took a course with a homestay in Sri Lanka. This was because I was living in Asia anyway- I did not go there specifically for Buddhism. Anyway, my point is that I studied intensely for a year or so and then basically lost track of it though it has stayed in my mind.
So what has happened now recently is that I actually think I'm craving it. Like not practicing (the meditation and mindfulness mostly but also the study) is a form of self-sabotage. Like just living without these things is self-destructive. Feel free to criticise me if I sound dramatic
Maybe I'm being dramatic. But I feel that way now. So in therapy, I'm learning more and more how much this psychological "therapy" is not cutting it. It's good for tackling some little tasks, but it's not what I need. I know what I need now. Like I needed to get a way and see a different point of view to get the distance. I don't mean to start some Buddhism vs Psychology discussion- I just mean me in my current situation. One of these things helps me be a better person and the other only helps me cope with some troubles. Understanding this difference is a huge thing for me and I realized it yesterday.
Alright. So my realization yesterday was that I need to go back to my practice and find a sangha here nearby where I can grow. On the other hand, we all have flashes of inspiration and sometimes they turn out to be momentary nonsense. So criticise away please, and make me think.
The second thing is that as I was leaving my therapy session, my cousin called. We grew up together in Houston. Our parents are from India but we grew up here and we went to a temple in Houston (Hindu) which has a lot of culturally and familial connections for me but has never done much for me spiritually. So now she is dating this Burmese fellow (there is a big refugee community in Texas) and he is a part of a this Sitagu Vihara which is a Burmese Theravada community. Do you know anything about them? They have a vihara in Austin which is the nearest large town to me.
To me, it seemed like an extraordinary coincidence that right as I was admitting that I needed to find a sangha, my cousin called and started talking about going to a vihara with her new beau.
Anyway, even if coincidences are just that, it has given me a few things to think about.
Let me be honest now and tell you how I feel about finding a sangha and why I have not done it before. You may criticise all of this!! I'm not claiming that it is accurate- only that this is HOW I FEEL. And feelings are a real obstacle sometimes. So I want to work through this obstacle, but I have to do it within the framework of my feelings, at least at first.
1. I'd like to find a teacher to improve my meditation and also my daily mindfulness practice. Actually I'm feeling that this is a necessity.
2. I will be alone. My husband is from a Christian background though he is open-minded- he is just naturally content with his life and seeks no other spiritual practice. This sounds like an obstacle, and in a way it is because I will have to go to a temple ALONE which will make me feel stupid and weird, but on the other hand, I learn a lot from my husband in the way that he lives daily life so it is a trade-off.
3. I do not feel comfortable in traditions that are culturally distinct from my own. This is a problem which I'm sure is full of bias. Please let me explain how I feel.
I've been to the Shambala center before in the hopes of continuing my meditation, but their chants had more to do with demon slayers than anything else. I just felt stupid sitting there chanting about demon slayers that had no connection to my own culture. I understand these things philosophically and metaphorically, but in my heart it just feels silly. My mom is ethnically a Tibetan Buddhist, but she has no real understanding of the religion other than culture and I'm left with even less. So I'd like to avoid that sort of thing.
4. I feel even less comfortable in traditions that are culturally vapid. In this way, I mean a lot of white Western Buddhist traditions- in which the entire religion is reduced to philosophical ideas and all superstitious or spiritual matters are removed. For example, on this very board, there are people discussing that they don't believe in rebirth or karma. There are American Buddhists who say "it's more a philosophy than a religion" and they are seeking a Buddhism that has no ambiguities or spiritualism.
5. I recognize that these prejudices are causing me to do nothing at all and I need to work through them.
6. The Burmese sangha that my cousin told me about seems like a nice middle ground- an Eastern Theravada tradition that accepts Westerners too. But maybe I'm projecting my own issues...
What do you think I should do?
Sorry for unloading on you like this, but I'm really conflicted and tired of having no community to work with.
I'm confused and seeking advice on all of this so feel free to question my motives and my thought process as well as answer my questions. I'm thick skinned. :rolleyes: I really would like some advice, commentary, criticism, whatever about my current situation.
First, I've been in therapy for the first time recently about depression. I'm not on meds as of yet and hope to stay off them. Lately I've had a few hard knocks in life that would bum anyone out but I have not dealt with them well. Generally things are better now and the therapy has been mostly practical- things like organizing my household chores, setting goals for going back to school, etc. For these small things it has been beneficial. For larger things, not so much. A while back, I studied Buddhism strictly out of interest in the subject. I do stuff like that- get obsessed with a particular subject and study it intently for a year or two and then move on. So Buddhism was really the "latest" in a series of interests. I read a lot on my own, practiced some meditation and mindfulness on my own, and I did a retreat at the Root Institute in Bodh Gaya and also took a course with a homestay in Sri Lanka. This was because I was living in Asia anyway- I did not go there specifically for Buddhism. Anyway, my point is that I studied intensely for a year or so and then basically lost track of it though it has stayed in my mind.
So what has happened now recently is that I actually think I'm craving it. Like not practicing (the meditation and mindfulness mostly but also the study) is a form of self-sabotage. Like just living without these things is self-destructive. Feel free to criticise me if I sound dramatic
Maybe I'm being dramatic. But I feel that way now. So in therapy, I'm learning more and more how much this psychological "therapy" is not cutting it. It's good for tackling some little tasks, but it's not what I need. I know what I need now. Like I needed to get a way and see a different point of view to get the distance. I don't mean to start some Buddhism vs Psychology discussion- I just mean me in my current situation. One of these things helps me be a better person and the other only helps me cope with some troubles. Understanding this difference is a huge thing for me and I realized it yesterday.Alright. So my realization yesterday was that I need to go back to my practice and find a sangha here nearby where I can grow. On the other hand, we all have flashes of inspiration and sometimes they turn out to be momentary nonsense. So criticise away please, and make me think.
The second thing is that as I was leaving my therapy session, my cousin called. We grew up together in Houston. Our parents are from India but we grew up here and we went to a temple in Houston (Hindu) which has a lot of culturally and familial connections for me but has never done much for me spiritually. So now she is dating this Burmese fellow (there is a big refugee community in Texas) and he is a part of a this Sitagu Vihara which is a Burmese Theravada community. Do you know anything about them? They have a vihara in Austin which is the nearest large town to me.
To me, it seemed like an extraordinary coincidence that right as I was admitting that I needed to find a sangha, my cousin called and started talking about going to a vihara with her new beau.
Anyway, even if coincidences are just that, it has given me a few things to think about.
Let me be honest now and tell you how I feel about finding a sangha and why I have not done it before. You may criticise all of this!! I'm not claiming that it is accurate- only that this is HOW I FEEL. And feelings are a real obstacle sometimes. So I want to work through this obstacle, but I have to do it within the framework of my feelings, at least at first.
1. I'd like to find a teacher to improve my meditation and also my daily mindfulness practice. Actually I'm feeling that this is a necessity.
2. I will be alone. My husband is from a Christian background though he is open-minded- he is just naturally content with his life and seeks no other spiritual practice. This sounds like an obstacle, and in a way it is because I will have to go to a temple ALONE which will make me feel stupid and weird, but on the other hand, I learn a lot from my husband in the way that he lives daily life so it is a trade-off.
3. I do not feel comfortable in traditions that are culturally distinct from my own. This is a problem which I'm sure is full of bias. Please let me explain how I feel.
I've been to the Shambala center before in the hopes of continuing my meditation, but their chants had more to do with demon slayers than anything else. I just felt stupid sitting there chanting about demon slayers that had no connection to my own culture. I understand these things philosophically and metaphorically, but in my heart it just feels silly. My mom is ethnically a Tibetan Buddhist, but she has no real understanding of the religion other than culture and I'm left with even less. So I'd like to avoid that sort of thing.
4. I feel even less comfortable in traditions that are culturally vapid. In this way, I mean a lot of white Western Buddhist traditions- in which the entire religion is reduced to philosophical ideas and all superstitious or spiritual matters are removed. For example, on this very board, there are people discussing that they don't believe in rebirth or karma. There are American Buddhists who say "it's more a philosophy than a religion" and they are seeking a Buddhism that has no ambiguities or spiritualism.
5. I recognize that these prejudices are causing me to do nothing at all and I need to work through them.
6. The Burmese sangha that my cousin told me about seems like a nice middle ground- an Eastern Theravada tradition that accepts Westerners too. But maybe I'm projecting my own issues...
What do you think I should do?
Sorry for unloading on you like this, but I'm really conflicted and tired of having no community to work with.
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I got lost in my own saga and didn't ask clearly what I really want.
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I didn't say I was going to quit therapy. I said it was short-term helpful for things like managing my time better or being a better listener. But that doesn't cut to the core of the problem of finding meaning in life when you don't believe in a soul or a divine plan. Hmm... I'm stuck without people to have the conversations I need to have sometimes.