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What to Do When You Feel That You Are Simply An Outcast?
ajani_mgo
Veteran
OK first this applies to real life only. I do have a great sangha online but real-life and online are different stuff...
You have got a really great friend. But you understand that sometimes your friend cannot always make time for you in favour of someone else. You have a, well, close female friend, but you understand that she prefers to hang around with her female gang. You have a family, but you know there are stuff you can never share. You have other friends, but again you understand they simply have no time for you. You look for other friends, but it's impossible because of who you are.
Ah! Here I am! An outcaste! Stuck in my solidary work in my lifeless computer, feeling very alienated, friendless, when it's not like you have no friends, you do but it's simply because they have no time. Being treated like a complete nerd, weirdo, nerd, weirdo, nerd wherever you go, I didn't care at all. Ah! Life for once feels so lousy for me! I have made myself look so positive to others, and changed so many depressing aspcts of my life single-handedly, when I realize what I lack is companionship, companionship, companionship. Dude! Am I really breaking down now? I really don't know.
All I ask is advice. Give me something practical. I don't need to know concepts of dukkha, annica and stuff like that.
You have got a really great friend. But you understand that sometimes your friend cannot always make time for you in favour of someone else. You have a, well, close female friend, but you understand that she prefers to hang around with her female gang. You have a family, but you know there are stuff you can never share. You have other friends, but again you understand they simply have no time for you. You look for other friends, but it's impossible because of who you are.
Ah! Here I am! An outcaste! Stuck in my solidary work in my lifeless computer, feeling very alienated, friendless, when it's not like you have no friends, you do but it's simply because they have no time. Being treated like a complete nerd, weirdo, nerd, weirdo, nerd wherever you go, I didn't care at all. Ah! Life for once feels so lousy for me! I have made myself look so positive to others, and changed so many depressing aspcts of my life single-handedly, when I realize what I lack is companionship, companionship, companionship. Dude! Am I really breaking down now? I really don't know.
All I ask is advice. Give me something practical. I don't need to know concepts of dukkha, annica and stuff like that.
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Comments
Right now these words still ring in my head, "Weirdo nerd weirdo nerd..." and the faces that speak them are all animals, devils... It is so wrong to think everyone as a devil but... Ah! This is one that will not fade off easily! To think today I was amazed at how much Buddhism have had done for me... If I ever see Gautama Buddha back in a time machine, I think I'd have to apologize to him. I failed his Path miserably. No doubt I still can walk the Path, but it'd be very much like talking a badly-drawn roadmap walking on uncharted roads...
I think this is a perfect time to practice what you believe.
Is there some sort of an attachment or expection of how you perceive things?
Are you missing life because of the fears and doubts your mind is creating?
The names people call you - mean nothing. If I were to call you my "hero" or say that you are cool - does that change anything?
You have friends. You have even stated this. Look at the time you have alone to meditate, enjoy the things in life that you have and do something for you.
-bf
We all feel as though we have failed in walking our paths every now and then. But this is not true. We are meerly turning a corner. And as when anyone first starts down a new road they do not quite understand, we can feel isolated and alone. But we are not, for many others have traveled this way before us. My son felt this way when he was 15. Alone and Isolated.
But it was not true. He was just changing as we all do ( Turning the Corner). Sometimes the mind can cling to the things we once knew and felt safe in.What I told him at this time may help you to. We all change it is inevitable. And while it is nice to have a safe place to look back on. Why not look forward at all the wonderful things you are going to discover and learn.
As far as living inside of a computer, My son used to get accused of that alot. But now he has graduated from college with a B.A. in computer science, His specailty is Network Security, and is looked up to by his co-workers and frineds for his knowledge. He no longer feels isolated or alone. He is very happy and enjoying what he loves. ( He is only 20)
So my dear friend, Turn the corner and look ahead. Let the past be past and today be a new beginning.
No sermon. No sutras. You are feeling the isolation of being human. It is shit!
You can challenge it in a number of practical ways: if you've got a garden, get out there and work; if you haven't, find a way of service to others. In serving the Earth or each other, we find ourselves served in strange and unexpected ways.
Many years ago I had a friend who was going through an episode of "I'm feeling very sorry for myself, I feel so rotten, Life is against me, I feel so awful, what can I do?!?"
We all have these moments sometimes. And sometimes, they are quite easy to shift and at others, they can really weigh you down.
She rang me. I was with someone at the time, giving them a shiatsu. So off the top of my head, I asked her to promise to do me a favour, and in turn, I would promise to ring her back in an hour.
She promised. Faithfully.
I told her:
"Go to your room, and clear your wardrobe and drawers and cupboards out of any clothes you haven't worn for ages. Clear your dressing table of all the old cosmetics and stuff you don't use. Clear away all the magazines and books you don't need. Go and do this now, and I promise I will call you in an hour."
She had promised. She went. I called her back.
Do you know, her mood had completely changed and reversed? She had cleared out the old, the useless, the redundant. And with all this excess, unnecessary stuff, she got rid of all the old, useless, redundant, excess and unnecessary thoughts that had been pulling her down.
Ajani - go and do the same. Clear your mind of all thought except to just decide - "shall I keep it or throw it?"
It is stupefyingly astonishing to see just how well this works!!
I know just how you feel. Back in secondary school I felt like I was the most unpopular girl in school. Definitely a nerd! I would have one or two friends that I considered close, but other than them I felt very alone. And when they pulled away, I felt even more alone.
Things changed when I got to college. I really never thought it would be so different. I was finally surrounded by nerds just like me. And all those mean popular kids are still back home working at McDonalds. It has been much easier to make friends. Somewhere in all this, though, I've also learned that I don't NEED friends like I thought I used to. I've become a lot more comfortable with myself. I think the older you get, the more you discover who you are - including all the good stuff. And when you're your own best friend, what others think means a lot less. It's nice to have friends, though. It's nice to have someone to talk to, hang out with, etc. But it's ok if I've not their "Best-Friend-4-Ever." I'm a lot less dependent on any one friend.
It sounds like maybe your hormones are really kicking out the juice. It sounds cliche, but at that age...it happens. Many of the times that you feel like s**t, unhappy, lonely, depressed, etc. could just be your body being like any average teen's. Those hormones can really effect your mood.
My advice would be to enjoy the solitude. Take time to actually enjoy the peace of being without those you depend on for support. Why not find the support inside of yourself instead? Forget everyone else for a while, forget the computer, forget all of your worries, and take this chance to go for some longs walks, really relax. There possibly will come a time in the future when you may find yourself wishing that you had given more attention to yourself.
Don't be lazy and fall into the same old habits now. Walk as far a you can everyday, and then sit somewhere comfortable. Bring a small lunch or snack perhaps. Try to mediate, or at least enjoy the scenery. Whatever your mind might "say" just ignore it as best as you can. If you start to worry about your friends, or school, or family, or insert stressful thought here just let it go. Write a note on your hand to remind you if necessary such as, " Remember Ajani: F**k it!" Whenever a troublesome thought arises, as soon as you become aware of it sucking you in, say "F**k it!".
There are going to be many times in your life when you will either be, or just feel alone. You need to realize that you can be alone, and not hate it. Too much time with other people can really drown-out your own personality. You can actually 'absorb' a lot of theirs. Like Oprah and that punk-ass Dr. Phil would probably say, "You need just some "me" time."
Oh, and by the way, people ARE animals, and sometimes we really do act the part don't we? But, you know what? F**k it!
Jason
If I ever lose this great pack of friends I have now, I don't know where else in Singapore can I find another. 'Cause this pack of friends is very much like the other friends in the "Feel ignored by your friends, go look for others!" analogy.
Why look outside of yourself for happiness? Try to do what I said earlier and just take some time to be by yourself. If you think that happiness will come from friends or things apart from yourself...well you are not understanding the nature of happiness. Holding onto, and relying entirely on external things will always be ultimately unsatisfactory.
Just enjoy being you.
I give myself a period of time, if I feel angry/sad/distressed/unhappy/dissatisfied... I say,
"OK: it's 'something' o'clock: I'm taking half an hour to really wallow and feel as angry/sad/distressed/unhappy/dissatisfied as I damn well like! I'm gonna cry or whatever - but at the end of that time - I'm stopping! I'm snapping right out of it!"
Eleanor Roosevelt said: 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.'
Well, that goes for angry/sad/distressed/unhappy/dissatisfied too!
Who thinks what you think? You! Who believes what you believe? You!
Nobody can get into your head and control your thought process but you!
"A thought is only a thought - and a Thought can be changed!"
You have to take charge of you - nobody else will. And if you go on believing the negative things you believe, then it's only you that's making you believe them - !!
I feel stupid,for me,being your good friend cannot do anything to help you despite all those times you help me up when I was down.If you think that you do not have any friends,let me tell you something that I bet you don't really know.
am actually in the same boat as you.I went through what you went through.In my most depressed period,I thought that evryone were my friends ONLY during school time.Only in class do we act like friends.But once school ends,they join their own clicks and its as if I am left alone again.The only person whom I knew will be beside me,was you.I am not saying this just to make you feel better,for I am stating 100% facts.Not even she have make me secure that I have a true friends.
My girl companion also had her own friends.Her volleyball clicks seem close to her than she was to me.So, when enemies(my dear old blood brothers) tried to get you on their side,my heart broke.For you wee the only person whom I can trust.
Despite me being a massive bully against you during the past years,you were now here helping me up when I was donw.I was often discredted because of associating in projects with you which everyone deemed failures.But yet I knew something that they don'tThat is,you have far more potential than the whole class combined.
You seat at the front of the computer all day long.Who doesn't?In fact you have the intelligence in IT.You spent your time contemplating your future life while others waste their life away.You were far more mature than anyone.You could stand up to insults and physical violence.If there is one person who deserved my respect,it is you.
You can't pronounce words well?Heck,at least you can speak and talk.Others outside there struggle to speak.Do not let others denounce this ability for an Achilles Heal can become your blessing one day.You have far more logic than the amount of sand on the beach.Your faith in your religion is stronger than the ties thatn bond relatives and families.
The power that you hod inside you is far more stronger than you think.In fact,when you launch that challenge against me in academics,I was for once in my life truly fearful for I know the amount of potential you have.And I believe that when our results come out,You will get proof that your hard work have paid off.
Try to regain your happy back and always know that whil other people denounce you,we in this forum and I bet others are all willing to lend a sincere helping hand.Always know that there is more than one friend in the world.SOMEONE will be willing to take all your troubles away.
Do not let your mind think that people are calling you nerd and wierdo.In fact those words are just rough translation of UNIQUE.Thats it,think of it that way.You are unique,you are special,you are full of good points,brimming with goodness.
May your faith in your religion remain strong and your belief in yourself remain just as unwavering.
Your dear friend and brother forever,
Argon
My problems have been solved. Yes, solved, not gone, but SOLVED. Anyway, Elohim I guess you misunderstood me, I need to draw an analogy:
Suppose a lonely guy writes to some Samitarian forum:
"Hi, I do have many friends, but recently I think they are againts me, boycotting me and backstabbing me. I'm hurt. What should I do."
Some guy will definitely reply, "Find other friends." The friends I have now, right now, are those other friends I found. Greatest ever. I realized I was a little selfish really. If I expect all my friends to be 24/7 with me, it means depriving them of BGR. That was selfish bhaviour. Anyway actually yesterday I was rather OK, but totally aimless. Until today while I was working at the Body Shop part-time packing things then I slowly came to realise something while I was folding and packing the boxes... It's more than words, but it helped me. And I realized how great a female friend I actually had all along.
Thank you everyone here too, for being my friend.
Would you be prepared to look in a book? I have spent a while on the Net, looking to find it but I fear it may only exist in printed form.
It is an extraordinary work, nearly 900 years old, which is about friendship. It is called Speculum Caritatis ("The Mirror of Compassion"), by Aelred of Rievaulx.
If, however, you haven't got time or inclination for the whole book, where he transforms the Joannine statement "God is love" into a new one: "God is friendship", here is a short definition from it:
The best times of which there will be many, lie ahead.
Next week things will be very much back on track.
For me there is nothing like getting my 15 inch Afro trimmed. That always makes me feel alot fresher.
You're back!
Jason
Hello Herman, nice to see you again - !!
a 15" Afro?!? Wow, that's big!! That harks back to the wonderful '70's!! Brilliant! Just how short do you get it trimmed to, though? And please don't tell me you still wear multi-coloured knitted tank tops, 24" flare jeans, 6" platform shoes and psychedelic sunglasses....!!
.....A 15" afro..... that's so cool! ......Can you post a photo - ?!?
By the way the link bodhicitta, is this a site you run yourself?
As with all things, I encourage (as do all 'Buddhists') to seek and find your own Truth for yourself.... so just view it as a pointer.....