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Asian parents comparing their children and Buddhism
When I refer to Asian parents, I do not mean all Asian parents as there Asian parents who do not compare their children to other children.
Asian parents have a tendency to compare the achievements or qualities of their children with the achievements or qualities of the children of other parents. Whenever, the child performs better than the other children, the parents can show off their child's achievements. When the child performs worser than other children, the parents experience frustration, anger and disappointment and the parents criticize child, potentially damaging the child's self esteem and causing them to feel distressed.
Comparing children is against the Dharma. Our attachments and desires (that is, desire for our children to better than other children) causes us, the child and indirectly other people to suffer. Also, it is going against the concept of loving kindness and compassion. When the child's performance is inadequate, instead of comforting and encouraging the child, parents criticize and in some cases physically hit their children. They believe, this motivates the children to perform, when in fact, it often has the opposite effect.
Despite knowledge of the Dharma, some Asian Buddhists still do this. What are your thoughts on this?
Asian parents have a tendency to compare the achievements or qualities of their children with the achievements or qualities of the children of other parents. Whenever, the child performs better than the other children, the parents can show off their child's achievements. When the child performs worser than other children, the parents experience frustration, anger and disappointment and the parents criticize child, potentially damaging the child's self esteem and causing them to feel distressed.
Comparing children is against the Dharma. Our attachments and desires (that is, desire for our children to better than other children) causes us, the child and indirectly other people to suffer. Also, it is going against the concept of loving kindness and compassion. When the child's performance is inadequate, instead of comforting and encouraging the child, parents criticize and in some cases physically hit their children. They believe, this motivates the children to perform, when in fact, it often has the opposite effect.
Despite knowledge of the Dharma, some Asian Buddhists still do this. What are your thoughts on this?
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Comments
Have compassion on them for being ignorant.
I agree with you since my parents are exactly like how you describe.
But it's actually my culture's survival mechanism.
We live in meritocratic society for centuries and such behavior is unconsciously contributing to my race/culture's survival.
Those who do well will have better chances to pass down the genes.
Survival of the fittest.
It's natural.
We value things by (among other things) comparing them to each other. In your experience 25 dollars is way too much to pay for a burger. This doesn't only extend to money. We tend to value people by comparing them to each other, to us, and to abstract concepts (like honesty, charisma, virtue, jhanas) as well.
Obviously this system is all kinds of faulty, but this is how we view the world. Even loving parents are, in one way or another, analyzing and classifying their children.
This is not necessarily a bad thing and it actually helps us get through the day. The problem starts when we start treating people like race horses.
Why would you essentialize cultures like that? I'm Chinese, but you don't hear me say "Oh my culture has kung fu ingrained in our DNA" or something equally silly.
Why would comparing one's children be "contributing" to Asian people's survival? Any society that is capitalist is a meritocratic society... which is pretty much all societies. Why is it not "contributing" to other cultures?
You are right. No two people are exactly alike, hence, there will be Buddhists including members of the Sangha, who do not practise the Buddha's teachings. You make an interesting comment about children who were born into Buddhism, instead of making a choice. I did not consider that.
The concept of the survival of the fittest has some truth, but it is not completely accurate. Sometimes, the fittest do not survive as long because of circumstances out of their control, for example, when they walk are crossing the road and disabled or killed by the drunk driver. Sometimes, this concept of survival of the fittest can have negative effects. This constant pressure to be the 'best' (the concept of best is actually subjective), can cause people to be diagnosed with depression and some commit suicide. There have been cases of successful people commiting suicide. Have you also noticed that sometimes, it is going against our nature that helps with our survival. Compare the following.
1. Competition with Cooperation
2. Unhealthy selfishness with compassion
3. Arrogance with humility
4. Greediness with moderation
5. Breaking the five precepts with following the five precepts.
Those who take the second option, are more likely to be happier, healthy and at peace with those with take the first. There are exceptions to this. There is a book called, Why good things happen to good people, by a Harvard academic. He said, giving, contributes to our survival. So, our natural way of doing things may not necessarily be most conducive to survival.
That is true. Comparing and ensuring children reach a standard is fine. Being inspired by the success of other people is fine and also desirable. As you said, it becomes a problem, when it becomes competitive and inevitably with every competition a person must lose.
Great questions! We compare ourselves to others, so that we motivate ourselves to improve. The comparison causes us to feel the pain of inadequacy and this pain motivates us to improve. This is fine. However, over doing it and constantly, telling children how successful other children are and making the children feel over inadequate can be dangerous. It promotes unhealthy competition that can cause much distress and sometimes suicide.
As for your question, I agree. We can engage in healthy competition as healthy competition can help individuals improve. We can also work together to help each of us individually instead of against each other.
I was mainly asking rhetorical questions. I was trying to point out that claiming that the act of "comparing children to others" is something inherent to Asian culture is not only ridiculous, but it's not something that is done out of some Darwinian sense either.
We have a saying that beating and scolding is an expression of love.
The result is instantaneously horrible, but for the children it's much better off.
By beating the child when he's perform badly, this will steer the child to do better academically. At the end after getting proper education, for the rest of the life the child will do well in life.
If the parents are lenient and spoil the child, the child can do whatever he likes and the possibility of slacking off is high (reminds me of beings in deva realm and their spiritual practice). At the end the child might do badly at school and whole life he might face hardship.
Bear in mind that the economical structure in Western society and East is different. In West someone might do fine with low education job. They are paid better and protect by union but such is not the luxury in East.
Also, the higher position is limited and competition is high. One cake is shared by 10 people. This is something not so intense in Western society. Those who have the chance to live in pure meritocratic country like Singapore will understand better.
In the East, the parents are willing to be in heavy debt to let their children get good education. With such heavy emphasis on education, no doubt the parents will do what they can to steer their children for a better future and survival, even if they have to be the "wraithful demon".
It's a form of love.... wraithful outside, caring inside.
Although there's also some elements of ego and pride in it. That I don't deny.
children also suffer a bit. But it's.....
For a better tomorrow.
Let's see this thread as something about learning about another culture, rather than seeing it as "they are wrong. They should do our way".
It's different. Different culture. Seeing different culture from our own cultural lenses is distorting.
Thank you for pointing that out. I live in Australia and hence, I tend to make my judgements based on Australian Society, so my views are inappropriate for every society. I completely agree with you and I am not completely against comparing. It can be a powerful motivator. Parents who use comparing have to be careful of things like anxiety disorders, low self esteem and major depression. If the comparing is creating these problems, then it is wise to stop doing. If the child can cope with the comparing, then it is okay to compare.