Anyone feel like by practicing right speach, they say nothing 99% of the time?

kc39850p

I am a college student, and adhere to the precepts as a lay practitioner as best I can, but in all honesty, I go to a very christian university, and I don't want to sound preachy, nor have any interest in converting people or anything. But it seems that all people do falls under gossip, or idle chatter. I usually end up silent most the time, which is unfortunate because people get the impression I'm unfriendly. But what is there to say? I don't want to gossip or lie about myself or others, so I just introduce myself, and maybe talk for a few seconds.

When I do talk, it's usually because people ask me why I don't talk much, and I tell them the truth, but then I'm stuck again because I either sound detached, or preachy, where I am, there is no middle ground in religion.

I don't really know what to do... but I find it saddening that I could be of use to these people in some way, but I'll never know because they think I'm antisocial.

I also don't like advertising my Buddhist beliefs:
1. I don't think it's right to be proud just because I have a certain faith,
2. I'm in college, an age where people are known for making weird experimentation in their lives, I don't want people to think I'm just trying to be different, or its a phase.

Anyone have any ideas, opinions, or personal experiences with this kind of issue?

tsopera

I feel the same. I sometimes want to wear a sign around my neck that says "Keeping Noble Silence," or tape up my mouth, or something like that. It sounds like you've been more successful at avoiding "wrong" speech than I have. Kudos!

I guess one idea might be to try to subtly change the subject. I am certainly not one to give advice on this subject, though. I look forward to other thoughtful replies.

Olarte

uhm, I envy you that you can keep such a silence. At 49 with 21 years of marriage I'm just now learning the worth of being silent especially to those you are the closest to... for you see I'm finally realizing that by speaking less there is less friction between me and my wife especially as many of my comments end up being perceived with complete opposite meanings than their original intention.

So I think your ability to be silent and simply listen is actually a benefit for you and others and a skill that I have yet to learn...

Ficus_religiosa

I think it's about choosing stigma - either you isolate yourself by practicing "the hard way", or you go "light" and let yourself socialize.
You have tried the hard way, who not try out the light way? You can still abstain from talking bad about others and spreading rumors while telling what you experienced with others and small talk..
Buddhism should end suffering, not make you beat yourself with strict rules

caz

kc39850p wrote: »

I am a college student, and adhere to the precepts as a lay practitioner as best I can, but in all honesty, I go to a very christian university, and I don't want to sound preachy, nor have any interest in converting people or anything. But it seems that all people do falls under gossip, or idle chatter. I usually end up silent most the time, which is unfortunate because people get the impression I'm unfriendly. But what is there to say? I don't want to gossip or lie about myself or others, so I just introduce myself, and maybe talk for a few seconds.

When I do talk, it's usually because people ask me why I don't talk much, and I tell them the truth, but then I'm stuck again because I either sound detached, or preachy, where I am, there is no middle ground in religion.

I don't really know what to do... but I find it saddening that I could be of use to these people in some way, but I'll never know because they think I'm antisocial.

I also don't like advertising my Buddhist beliefs:
1. I don't think it's right to be proud just because I have a certain faith,
2. I'm in college, an age where people are known for making weird experimentation in their lives, I don't want people to think I'm just trying to be different, or its a phase.

Anyone have any ideas, opinions, or personal experiences with this kind of issue?

It just makes you so much more thankfull for the Sangha being able to talk to them without engaging in such actions in daily life it is muhc harder, But in the long run i would say it is far better to maintain your conduct anyway regardless of what people think of you, If your actions of kindness and other virtues are very apparent they will speak louder then a 1000 words of meaningless nonsense ever could !

Nirvana

kc39850p wrote: »

Anyone feel like by practicing right speach, they say nothing 99% of the time?

Gosh, the title of this thread really grabbed me!

Actually, I completely misunderstood your meaning initially, interpreting it as: Does anyone feel that they have nearly nothing of value to say, by practicing right speech? And I said to myself: How can this possibly be?

Then, by reading your earnest post, KC, I think I got to the gist.

Let me point out that it is in the workplace and the marketplace, doing your job conscientiously and with the idea of service to humanity, that your right speech will ripen and the gem that you are will be discovered to yourself by yourself. All else will just be icing on the cake.

kc39850p

Olarte, I see, I guess it is true that it has it's benefits, but the problem I have is that I'll never have a wife to teach me to value silence if things keep up this way. I'm not particularly handsome, I'm just average, so people wont flock to me no matter how I act, and spending most of the time I'm around people just listening because I don't agree with or want to participate in the type of things they're saying, I literally, have not really gotten close to a single person in the two months I've been at my current university (I transfer way to often).

Ficus_religiosa, I've tried being "light", but then I find myself not being mindful, or worse, being mindful and unhappy with the things I'm saying because i know I'm violating my own beliefs (and I don't consider it a minor belief either, because I've seen the harm wrong speech can cause). I chose to be quiet, not because I felt I had to, but because I felt being the opposite was worse. But I guess what you say is true, I chose my own stigma.

tsopera, I know how you feel, I almost considered doing something to make myself seem "more Buddhist" that way if I don't talk and someone uses it as a conversation starter, I can explain why I don't talk without feeling preachy... but this is so roundabout it feels a bit deceptive.


Nirvana & caz namyaw, thanks, I try to hold onto those ideas, but that a big part of it for me the people in my environment (or more specifically, my personal feelings towards the people in my environment), I don't really have a job to do right, I'm a student, and thus non-dependent on my peers. Also, I'm male, but being surrounded by males between 18-24 most the time, the conversations almost always turn to either sex or sports, and though I don't mind sports, I find the objectification of women kind of sickening (I hate hearing men count the girls they've hooked up with, as if its a personal score they want to beat and women are just the means to top their buddies score), which I think pushes me even further away because not only do I not want to talk about such things, but I find myself not wanting to talk to men in general... I know this is wrong though, It's kind of like judging the entire population on one aspect of their person, but it's a hard thing to get around when that's all they seem to talk about...

sorry, I'm going off on tangents a bit.

being

You're probably doing just fine. If there is nothing to say, there is nothing to say. Try letting go of this worry and just be mindful of each moment as it is. Don't think of right speech as a rule you must follow no matter what (even tho it is wise to do that most of the time), but rather see it as a guidance on your path. That way you won't become rigid and feel much more free.
It's not about following rules, but being mindful of your actions.

Maybe you could try showing more of your kindness and compassion, if you feel the need to socialize.

Nirvana

Hey, KC, you're going through a tough spot right now. Lighten up, you can just find some harmless jabber to imitate and make it your own. Something that does no harm. Find some comedian(s) or musician(s) to imitate if you can't create your own and have some fun. Don't go about feeling like you're in a straight-jacket.

Sometimes overhard concentration on something can make us condemnatory of others who don't have the same standard in mind, but condemning or partially condemning people can do nothing other than impoverish our lives. We must lay ourselves open to possibilities and accept all. Just seek out pure company and try to move on away from what would drag you down, without giving the latter offense.

kc39850p

being, I understand I'm not terribly off or in trouble by being as I am, but it's kind of depressing to know that you have a lot to offer but can't express it. and I can't go out of my way to show someone kindness and compassion to make a connection, unless spontaneously, or because I'm actually worried about something, that would seem fake to me. I will smile and be kind, but I can't bring myself to play up my morality (besides, it sometimes get's to the point it seems people can't understand ones intentions... try explaining to a prof. that you were a few minutes late because there was a spider in your room and you were trying to figure out what to do with it. Everyone looks at you like an idiot for not just killing it and throwing it away)

Nirvana, I think you're half right, I know letting these thoughts become restricting is wrong, but I can't help but feel wrong playing a part or trying to win people over with what is not really me.

Thanks again for the responses.

Ficus_religiosa

I think it's great that you tried your options and selected the one most true to yourself That will give you confidence and build character - hey, it's a sign of character..

I wish you the best on your further way

kc39850p

Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment and you're responses.

BlackFlag

I've recently realized that one of the best ways to keep the peace in my household is to be silent when someone acts out or says something stupid. So I agree with you.