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What happens if you're old and single?
This might seem like a kind of random question but increasingly I'm beginning to wonder if it would help to be single to take buddhism sersiously... I'm all for not being attached to personal relationships and letting them come and go, but on the other hand there is a big part of me that is scared of growing old alone. I know fear isn't the best guiding force to have in life but I'd hate to grow old and regret not having a partner or kids etc... I was wondering if anyone on here had experience of this and how you find it.
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For me, it depends exactly upon what you consider "Buddhism" to be. For me, following the dharma means in part opening to a greater empathy towards others, developing a deeper integrity as a human being. For me, "non attachment" is not understood in such a way as to preclude relationship with others - in fact I would say that a "compassion" that is presumed to have grown without any such relationships can be no more that a pseudo compassion.
This really does get at the heart of what "enlightenment" is considered to be and why perhaps it is best not to anticipate its nature before we "arrive" (!)
On one side we have the monastic based expressions of the Buddhist path, which often seem to emphasise "non-attachment" to the point of excluding relationships, aiming towards a state that could be seen as impassive and imperturbable.....................as opposed to an enlightenment that has been understood as when hungry eat, when tired sleep, when happy laugh, when sad cry.
I have no idea at all if misunderstanding abounds here as I have no personal experience of enlightenment. All I do know is that it is in personal relationships with those I love, and who love me, that my deepest experience of being human currently lies.
Someone else once said ( in fact, a relapsed Tibetan Buddhist) that he did not believe it possible to love - or be compassionate - towards human beings in general, but only towards concrete specific human beings. I agree.
He went on to say.........Generalised warmth is not love to me.......love is appreciation of detail. My mother loved the length of my bones and the skewed disproportion of my gaze, which reminded her of a great uncle she enjoyed telling me about. My obtuseness toward the practical demands of life drove her nearly berserk with irritation...............Genuine love cannot be separated from the pain of attachment, not as long as we are alive. I loved her sense of humour, her penetrating sarcasm, her endless family stories..............Losing her left a wound in me that will never heal, and I do not even want it to heal. The idea that I could "let go" of her in some pseudo-evolved transcendence of personal pain dishonors her and dishonors love.
Whatever the truth of those words, whatever there merit, it is well to seek to understand exactly what is meant by "non-attachement" in the Buddhist sense.
Golly! Now this reeks of attachment to me. No wonder it comes from a relapsed Buddhist!
A loving heart can't help but to make everything and everyone its very own. There simply is no sense of radical separation.
As long as we should live, genuine love cannot be separated from the pain of attachment? What nonsense is this? Love is love, pain is pain. I'm not saying that never the twain will meet, but, really, this is an emotional statement which deserves more scrutiny.
The opposite of love is fear. Fear incites many evil deeds, but love —true love— can only set us free. Clinging to something or someone is not love. I believe the word hoarding comes nearer the mark.
My stance is that possessive attachment to a person is not genuine love in the first place. It is selfish love. The romantic love between a man and a woman is a union that simply is too complex always to be called by the name love and we fool ourselves when we try to say so. It is a self-serving love also, at least in some small part ("and the two shall become one").
Now, the love that a mother or father has towards the child comes much closer, especially if they are working with the knowledge that they will be setting the child free to pursue its own dreams.
However, true love seeks only the good of the other. It is sincere, earnest, and willing to sacrifice some part of self to lift others out of the occasional ditch... or whatever. I'll let tariki define "genuine love."
It's perhaps unfortunate that I didn't reply to the part of tariki's post that did seem like an authentic Buddhist question:
What about all the bodhisattvas? Totally unrelating beings? I think not!
Part of being alive is to feel pain at the misfortunes of others and at our own deprivation of the joys of their company when they die. My word! The Buddha never taught that we should shut joy out of our lives. Quite the contrary, in fact!
He taught that your own heart should be your truest guide! Come what may, you choose!
But the pain of attachment really should only arise when the Beloved dies or his or her health is in serious question. Otherwise, joy should be the descriptor. If one's lifestyle involves an emotional roller-coaster, that's a problem that someday has to be dealt with. That would be a serious grief-maker.
I think the biggest problem people face as they grow older is having put all their eggs in one basket, so to speak. (And I'm not talking about insufficient number of sexual liaisons, by any means.) Broadly speaking, we need to find a sangha or support group if we are not members of large families, to begin with. Human beings need each other —we're built that way: as beings built with arms (not tentacles) to embrace, ears and eyes aimed up front towards the honored position of our friend, &c, &c...
You have to decide for yourself whether this is a problem for you or not.
1. Take classes that you are interested in at a community college or community center
2. search for websites like http://www.meetup.com/ that focus on helping people find likeminded groups of other people in order to form lasting platonic relationships.
3. If you are interested in finding a Buddhist community http://www.buddhanet.info/wbd/ has a directory of Buddhist communites all aroudn the world.
4. Psychology has proven that single people who have pets even if they are just fish or birds have much lower levels of depression and live much longer. Consider adopting a pet, many shelters have puppies and kittens that were abandoned and need a home.
Also being single in order to pursue Buddhism may be very effective but you still need a real life community of Buddhists in order to succeed. I highly recommend finding one and attending as many of their events as you can. Making friends who are people of integrity that are pursuing the noble eightfold path is essential to succeeding in the path yourself.
SN 45.2 PTS: S v 2
CDB ii 1524
Upaddha Sutta: Half (of the Holy Life)
translated from the Pali by
Thanissaro Bhikkhu
© 1997–2010
I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was living among the Sakyans. Now there is a Sakyan town named Sakkara. There Ven. Ananda went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to the Blessed One, sat to one side. As he was sitting there, Ven. Ananda said to the Blessed One, "This is half of the holy life, lord: admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie."[1]
"Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. When a monk has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, he can be expected to develop & pursue the noble eightfold path.
"And how does a monk who has admirable people as friends, companions, & comrades, develop & pursue the noble eightfold path? There is the case where a monk develops right view dependent on seclusion, dependent on dispassion, dependent on cessation, resulting in relinquishment. He develops right resolve ... right speech ... right action ... right livelihood ... right effort ... right mindfulness ... right concentration dependent on seclusion, dependent on dispassion, dependent on cessation, resulting in relinquishment. This is how a monk who has admirable people as friends, companions, & colleagues, develops & pursues the noble eightfold path.
"And through this line of reasoning one may know how admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life: It is in dependence on me as an admirable friend that beings subject to birth have gained release from birth, that beings subject to aging have gained release from aging, that beings subject to death have gained release from death, that beings subject to sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair have gained release from sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair. It is through this line of reasoning that one may know how admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life."
Notes
<dl><dt>1.</dt><dd>As AN 8.54 points out, this means not only associating with good people, but also learning from them and emulating their good qualities. </dd></dl>From http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn45/sn45.002.than.html
Perhaps if it would be possible you could opt for temporary or permanent ordination in a temple. That could increase your merits and parami for this life and makes your future lives easier.
If I did not marry in my later years and free of any obligations such as taking care of my parents, I would rather ordinate as a monk perhaps permanently until I pass away.
Ordination is very beneficial as it enhances your life and as mentioned your future lives too. If we did not find anything useful in this life we could have just wasted a 'life'.
If we forgo the dhamma for worldly matters our life will consist of only three things. Sleeping, outings, and eating. What is the purpose in that ?
Birth, illness, aging and death. The four primary kinds of suffering which will plague everyone in existence. We must find a purpose in life and live to it such as making merit and cultivating parami otherwise we would have live in vain.
If this is indeed addressed to me..........................
The relapsed (oh dear!) Tibetan Buddhist to a certain extent gave his own definition by saying that in his view "generalised warmth" is not love, but rather "appreciation of detail". Leaving this aside, and not seeking to avoid the question, for me it is by allegiance to definitions that we perhaps preclude the realisation of the reality. I hinted - more than hinted - at this when I wrote.....
This really does get at the heart of what "enlightenment" is considered to be and why perhaps it is best not to anticipate its nature before we "arrive" (!)
It does seem to be the case that while reality can be lived/experienced/known (eggshells again!), it cannot be thought/defined.
The point I sought to make, and my response to the OP, was to offer the opinion that they appeared to be assuming a way of living "detached", and assuming a way of being "unattached", but that true Buddhist "non-attachment" maybe has nothing to do with whether or not one lives alone or with others. I was more asking questions, a necessary thing to do on occasion.
We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time. (Eliot)
Unless we are enlightened we are exploring. Again I was seeking to say where I was, again a good thing to take account of on occasion.
Anyway, thanks to all, as I did ask what is meant by non-attachment and in amongst it all are insights drawn of personal experience.
Lostie,
Well, perhaps it would not be only Tibetan Buddhists who "lapse" now and again........
What you're talking about sounds like mild codependent issues. I have MANY of my own. Buddhism is helping a lot, and I'm able to keep working at it while in a relationship. No, I don't always feel free of attachment to the relationship. But I do feel that walking the path consistently has helped to slightly ease the attachment, and have faith that it will continue to do so. The fear of growing old alone is still overwhelming sometimes for me, but it's getting easier.
Pretty much, you need to accept that it's a possibility, and do all you can to make sure that you will feel complete even without another human around. You will be okay alone if it ends up that way. That's the only way to ease this fear, to know that you will be able to face and overcome it.
Don't let anyone make you feel bad or inadequate for the feelings and thoughts that come to you. I've found that I continue to have unskillful emotions and thoughts, but I don't let them dictate my behaviors or cause a reactive chain of emotions, negative or positive.
It is best to ordain as the merits accrued are extremely huge and vast. There are those who does not want to be ordained and still can get merit by practicing generosity, precepts and meditation.
Even if lay people preferred not to ordain they still could accrue a lot of merits.
How ?
They could give alms or donate to Buddhist temples and support the monks.
Why is the merit accrued so great ?
Because someone who donates money or alms to monks they're directly supporting Buddhism.
How so ?
Those alms and money will monks to stay as monks and not disrobe and in that way you're helping them in their pursuit of Nirvana and knowledge.
That in itself is a great merit.
Moreover, the monks could also disseminate Buddhism all over the world and many more laypeople could benefit from their teachings.
These is all possible because of the aid and help from normal laypeople.