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Very hateful young teenager.
I go to high school, and there's a girl who seems very hateful- it easily arises.
Now, I'm not sure how to go about talking to her, or even if I should..
I just kind of want to pee on her.
Now, I'm not sure how to go about talking to her, or even if I should..
I just kind of want to pee on her.
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Comments
Make your choice. :smilec:
i just feel that it would get the point across.
And..... you are right, you learn from the most difficult of things.
"When you look at others, think that it will be through them that you will come to Buddhahood. So look on them with frank and loving hearts."
Or you could imagine in previous lives she was a friend, your mother, something like that.
Or, you could use an insight I developed before Buddhism. I was getting annoyed at people on the street constantly for the annoying things they do. Then I realized "If I don't stop, I will spend an entire lifetime being annoyed."
This calmed down my annoyance substantially.
I say you visualize her in these Buddhist, positive terms and see what happens. Believe me, I spent 40 years being a hater and it gets you nowhere, even in pure samsaric terms.
Maybe so, but not correct?
I indeed would not imagine changing her, but it be the annoyance I get which I wish to change.
I am familiar, except the 40 years, to this.
Then trust me, forget all the Buddhist stuff, stop hating/being annoyed/being irritated.
Seriously - it truly gets you nowhere. There is *always* someone else to hate/be annoyed by and it's a miserable way to go through life.
Use this experience to learn how not to do it. I'm much happier having let it go, and it's pretty authentic. I have lots more to work on in different areas, but letting go of irritation has been pretty easy.
This difficult person may be someone who deserves some unconditional compassion. You don't know what kind of shitty life she may have. She may have reasons to be suffering and insufferable.
A very simple practice might be to offer metta to her in your meditation practice, and whenever she comes into your mind. It would calm your mind about her. It might calm your attention to her when you meet her in passing. She may, at some level, experience a positive feeling from you that she gets too little of from anyone else.
May she be happy.
May she be healthy.
May she be safe.
May she be peaceful.
May she be loved.
'Why is she so hateful?'
Seriously, sit and try to figure it out.
Her home life, etc., I do not know about. I merely wonder why she lets such things as people's opinions of her get the best of her. I think it would be more beneficial to just say 'that's what you think, all right,' or something, but instead she seems to need to defend her dignity and pride with hatefulness. So I couldn't say what I should do, directly, because she hasn't asked for help.
I have heard that at times, her father would refuse her food, but I don't know how accurate something would be if you feel the need to post it on a social network. I also couldn't say it isn't true, just because I personally wouldn't do it.
Well then you already know the answer. She acts hatefully because she suffers. Yes, she causes other people problems and suffering with her behaviour, but she probably doesn't see it. People become blinded by pride and ego.
So you know that she behaves hatefully because she is afflicted and pre-occupied with her own suffering. So what do you do? How do you respond?
It's not an easy question, certainly. These situations can often be mind-bendingly difficult and frustrating. Yet this is why we engage in practice, so that we can come to figure out the answers to questions such as these.
So in the meantime try to help her where you can, and if you can't help her at least don't do any harm to her (by responding to anger and judgement with anger and judgement). Just try and turn the situation from a problem into an opportunity... figuring out these knotty situations can be great aids to learning.
Hope things go well with you.
_/|\_
I don't respond to her anger with more of it. I just don't think I should help her, if she hasn't asked. I'd be trying to change her without her wanting to herself.
But you can only get help if you want it, not because someone else does.
We cannot fix others, and even if they were to ask for help, they would have to take the advice given. Even by responding to requests, we are powerless to act.
The best thing we can do, is to Meditate and cultivate Metta, and look upon others with kindness, compassion and understanding.
Torment - however manifested - is painful to witness. And sometimes, all we can do, is to witness, and wish well.
If you find that you are not able to cultivate genuine loving kindness for her after practicing for some time I suggest continuing to work on cultivating for yourself and family / friends and instead practicing forgiveness.
"The Pali word for forgiveness-khama-also means "the earth." A mind like the earth is non-reactive and unperturbed. When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don't have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you've done."
Every time she does something hurtful or annoying say "I Forgive you" and mean it. She does not even have to hear you say it but if you can practice this every time someone says or does something hurtful or annoying you will not be caught up in their negativity. Forgiveness is a gift that benefits both the person that forgives and the receiver of that forgiveness. You must learn to really feel the forgiveness though, just like you must learn to really feel the loving kindness. If you say it but it is always empty then no one benefits and you may just be deluding yourself. At first it may feel empty but realize that it is empty and keep trying until you feel it is genuine. If you cannot manifest genuine forgiveness or loving kindness for someone you have negative interactions with do not despair because it can be very difficult but if you keep practicing and attempt to find a teacher you may benefit from this greatly.
"These two are fools. Which two? The one who doesn't see his/her transgression as a transgression, and the one who doesn't rightfully pardon another who has confessed his/her transgression. These two are fools.
"These two are wise. Which two? The one who sees his/her transgression as a transgression, and the one who rightfully pardons another who has confessed his/her transgression. These two are wise."
— AN 2.21
"The Buddha admitted that not all disputes can be reconciled. There are times when one or both parties are unwilling to exercise the honesty and restraint that true reconciliation requires. Even then, though, forgiveness is still an option. This is why the distinction between reconciliation and forgiveness is so important. It encourages us not to settle for mere forgiveness when the genuine healing of right reconciliation is possible; and it allows us to be generous with our forgiveness even when it is not."
I highly suggest this link for anyone that wants to learn more about how to forgive, reconcile, and achieve harmony with difficult people. (All quotes were taken from this link)
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/thanissaro/reconciliation.html
Namaste
Peeing on this girl would probably just alienate you more, and in the words of Groucho Marx (at least I think it was Groucho), "Love your enemies. Nothing annoys them more."
Why the .... do you want to be mean to her, when she's obviously trying to protect herself from mean people?
I must say I totally do not get this debate.. She's not hateful or a bad person or "blinded by ego and pride"... BS.. She's not to blame for anything, anything at all..
But the people close to her are to blame for letting her down again and again..
You don't go judge a sick person who vomits on your carpet as a bad-mannered pestilence..
If you wanna do something, befriend her or protect her from abuse either as a friend or just as a stranger who told someone to let her be..
I have done that already. But yes, you may be be correct.
And, it isn't terrible abuse by people.
Just gross, in a more rude manner.
Not kind, but the backlash carried a large amount of defense to it.
Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to imply that this girl is blinded by ego and pride' but was making a more general point about why people often don't see that their behaviour hurts other people.
_/|\_
I can admit to countless times when I've been "re-stimulated" by other people's negative behaviour, like fire fighting against fire, which just makes fire; e.g. it's hard to respond calmly to road rage, but it's definitely in everybody's interest that you do respond with calm, and therefore with maximum intelligence.
I wish you astonishing insight and penetration of the causes underlying this situation.