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Self-forgiveness, making peace with one's past
pyramidsong
Veteran
I don't want to approach Buddhism as therapy per se, or expect practice to fix all my problems, but I'm just wondering about something.
I have a chequered past, basically involving substance abuse, hurting people, ruining friendships, creating drama. This is only a small part of my life and my past but it is there just the same and it haunts me.
Has anyone done things they're not proud of/lived an unwholesome lifestyle in the past? Have you found Buddhism helps with self-forgiveness or freeing yourself from past hurts?
I know it's a personal question but I would be grateful to anyone willing to share their experiences.
I have a chequered past, basically involving substance abuse, hurting people, ruining friendships, creating drama. This is only a small part of my life and my past but it is there just the same and it haunts me.
Has anyone done things they're not proud of/lived an unwholesome lifestyle in the past? Have you found Buddhism helps with self-forgiveness or freeing yourself from past hurts?
I know it's a personal question but I would be grateful to anyone willing to share their experiences.
0
Comments
Yes, I've done plenty of things I regret, and I've found that turning all of that guilt into a motivation for positive actions has helped me deal with those same feelings. Here's something I wrote about it a long time ago:
Once we come to a point where we begin to see the effects of our unskillful actions, however, we're unprepared for how to skillfully deal with such consequences. When our conscience catches up with us, our first reaction tends to be to run away from those feelings of guilt and remorse that happen to arise. If we can't outrun them, then we try to bury them underneath the haze of drugs and alcohol. Essentially, the ways in which we try to rid ourselves of these feelings are just as harmful as the actions that brought those feelings into being. We indulge in even more unskillful behaviour in order to cover up the memories of our anger, embarrassment, fear, grief, hatred, pain, selfishness, etc. in an attempt to just get through another day. To make matters worse, these unskillful actions are what have the potential to become unskillful habits or addictions because these temporary solutions are unable to permanently get rid of those painful feelings, and we gradually become dependent upon them to ease our suffering. Because we lack a better way to deal with these things, we become prisoners trapped within our own nightmarish world.
One of the many things the Buddha said was that these emotional feelings of guilt and remorse are actually guardians, treasures and associated with skillful qualities. To begin with, these feelings of guilt and remorse are a warning sign that something is wrong. They alert us to the fact that somewhere, deep down inside, we're uneasy about something we might've done or said, or at least thought about. In the Buddha's teachings, feelings of guilt and remorse are said to guard us from harm. Without conscience (hiri) and concern (ottappa), or shame and fear of wrongdoing, we're unable to recognize those who deserve respect such as mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, teachers, etc. (AN 2.9). In addition, if we're unable to recognize these people for what they are in relation to ourselves or to other people, we're more capable of doing unskillful deeds of body, speech and mind that directly cause them pain and suffering. Not only can this cause us suffering internally when we reflect on those unskillful actions, but it can also cause suffering externally by placing ourselves in trouble with the authorities or other people.
When it comes to skillful qualities, conscience and concern are said to arise out of clear knowing (Iti 40). This clear knowing can be seen as a kind of internal honesty which is aware of our intentions. This awareness doesn't try to cover up our intentions or make excuses for them, but it's an awareness that's open and honest about the qualities of our intentions that enable us to cleanse them of their impurities. In other words, the qualities of ignorance, desire and greed that arise in the mind are seen for what they are. This enables us to develop a sense of moral responsibility that's derived from self-esteem. When we view unwholesome actions as beneath us, when we see that they cause us harm or give rise to bad destinations, we'll be more inclined to refrain from committing those actions, or if we've committed them, to refrain from committing them again. We do this because we have respect for ourselves, and we see the benefits of making the right choices by observing that, as Thanissaro Bhikkhu notes, "unskillful intentions, based on craving and delusion, invariably lead to unpleasant results."
While all of this might be useful to consider before we make any more unskillful decisions in the future, the Buddha also discussed what to do about unskillful things that we might've done in the past. Unfortunately, we're unable to undo past unskillful actions, but fortunately there are ways in which to lessen the inevitable harmful results of those actions. Although the complexity of the relationship between actions and their results can be hard to understand — one that reaches far beyond this present life — that same complexity allows for the possibility of limiting the consequences of past unskillful actions. The first step is to at least observe the five precepts, which are to (1) refrain from harming living beings, (2) refrain from taking what is not given, (3) refrain from telling falsehoods, (4) refrain from committing sexual misconduct and (5) refrain from taking drugs and alcohol that lead to carelessness. This helps to prevent further damage from being done, and to construct the foundation for the rest of our practice. The next steps are to abandon wrong view and develop expansive mind states of good-will, compassion, appreciation and equanimity (SN 42.8).
The development of good-will, compassion, appreciation and equanimity is so powerful that it can take us from being restricted, small-hearted and dwelling in suffering to being unrestricted, large-hearted and dwelling with immeasurable concentration—a state of mind that's only possible with the absence of hostility and ill will. The Buddha also describes four assurances that can be experienced in the present by those people who, filled with doubt, cultivate and develop such purified states of mind: If there's a world after death, if there are results of skillful and unskillful actions that're done, then one can be assured that they'll reappear in a good destination after death. If there's no world after death, if there are no results of skillful and unskillful actions, then here in the present one can be assured that they'll live safely, free from hatred and malice. If evil results befall one who commits evil actions, then one who doesn't entertain evil thoughts towards another can be assured that they'll not experience ill results. And, if evil results don't befall one who commits evil actions, then one can be assured that they're safe in any case (AN 3.65).
It's hard to imagine that cultivating certain mind states can have a tangible effect on our lives. Nevertheless, the Buddha often spoke of the immeasurable benefits of cultivating good-will, compassion, appreciation and equanimity. He once compared the actions of a person who commits an evil deed with an untrained mind — a mind undeveloped in regards to virtue, discernment, etc. — to a glass of water. As there's so little development in the mind of such a person, one evil act is like a salt crystal that's then dropped into that glass of water and the water becomes unfit to drink. He further compared the actions of a person who commits an evil deed with a mind that is well trained — a mind developed in regards to virtue, discernment, etc. — to the River Ganges. As there's so much development in the mind of such a person, one evil act is like a salt crystal that's then dropped into that great river and the water doesn't become unfit to drink. The former person, due to their actions, goes to a bad destination whereas the later person experiences the resulting pollutant for barely a moment in the here and now (AN 3.99).
Ultimately, those emotional feelings of shame or guilt that're associated with the results of our unskillful actions can be looked upon as catalysts to overcoming the results of our unskillful actions if they're seen with the proper insight. When we become remorseful by realizing that what we've done wasn't right, perhaps because we're told by a wise person that such actions are blameworthy, we'll also realize that what we've done can't be undone. These feelings, if they're not properly understood, have the potential to become debilitating. However, when due to those feelings we abandon the taking of life, taking what's not given, telling falsehoods, committing sexual misconduct and taking drugs and alcohol now and in the future, we can be said to have abandoned those evil deeds, those unskillful actions, and to have overcome them. Even more so, when we abandon those unskillful actions now and in the future, as well as cultivate, develop and then pervade all four directions with good-will, compassion, appreciation and equanimity, the inevitable consequences of our past unskillful action will count for next to nothing (SN 42.8).
Also, you can find some of my thoughts on addiction here.
I agree with wanting to avoid "Buddhism as therapy", but for me, Buddhism actually illuminated much of the source of these behaviors. They truly were acting out out of desire to be different, or out of serious jealousy and envy for the gifts of others, or simply "under the influence" of the ego that arrogated control for itself and used mean thoughts and actions as its controlling mechanism.
I have tried to purify this karma through a number of ways. Meditating on it, uprooting the causes, apologizing to those I can, never causing pain again and trying to do some positive good, and dedicating that merit to those I harmed.
I feel genuine remorse and am hoping that this will bring healing to me and those I may have harmed.
I have reconciled myself to the fact that there are people who I will never be close to again. I accept that and in some ways it's easier. But I can't escape my own mind.
I have a very well-developed conscience, which is a positive thing as a fledgling Buddhist in terms of living a wholesome, compassionate life but it is at the moment a double-edged sword as the guilt and shame are acute. If I was uncaring it would be much, much easier.
Are there any scholars or pieces of writing you can recommend? Jason, thank you for that passage you posted. I will give it a few reads and let it sink in.
Whatever you did to make good karma in the mean time, means nothing. An apology to the guy could negate the karmic effect of course. But as a rule of thumb, done is done.
So for the ones who wish to "clean" their karma, I must say you just have to hope the bad effect has already been there.
I too did a lot of bad things in my life, and some of them haunts me still. Even ones I know have had their bad karmic effect - which, maybe, can be said to be a karmic effect in itself.
There's no reason to be all too melancholic about it, done is done. We are smarter now, and that's what counts..
Begin to act positively today and get the positive results tomorrow
Nah, we're all perfect little angels here!
Only speaking for myself, most definitely.
One thing though - the past is over and done with. If you need to make amends with someone (including yourself) for some wrong you committed, then do so, but move on. The past doesn't exist - it's gone, so it's just thoughts at this point. Likewise the future - it doesn't exist either, except in your head. Concentrate on living right this very second and doing what's right, right now.
Good luck on your path!
The next step is to determine to rid ourselves of this destructive habit, for the sake of both our relative and others we may encounter. We must also eliminate it for our own development. Focusing on our older relative, we give our word that we shall try our best not to repeat our inconsiderate behavior either with the person or with anyone else. We do the same even if the person in our example has already passed away. To strengthen our resolve, we reaffirm the direction in which we are trying to go in our lives. We are trying to regard and treat everyone with balanced sensitivity. To clear any residual thoughts or emotions about the incident before considering another example of our destructive behavior, we reaffirm, "I am not going to make up or tell any stories about myself," "I accept myself as I am."
Alexander Berzin - Developing Balanced Sensitivity: Practical Buddhist Exercises for Daily Life (Part 5: Refraining from destructive behavior)
Yes, I have found Buddhism helps with many aspects, one of these is forgiveness of the past, which is forgiveness of one self and eventually others. My style however has not been adoption/application of Buddhist principles per se in the cognitive sense eg trying to arm wrestle my thoughts in a certain direction, rather through the consistent or maybe more accurately persistent (ie try fail fall and get up again) application of the Eightfold Path, morality, kindness, meditation and discernment, the thoughts taper away such that it is very quiet and voices and memories that once haunted become light as a feather, non-existant, or rather more accurately perhaps non-arising. It is the peace of tranquility and the peace of genuine insight, it has some differences to what some might say as applying Buddhist practice.
Someone said to me that the best way to make amends is to change. He is right...but as someone else said here, it doesn't stop the feelings of utter despair, hopelessness, sense of loss at the things done from practicing dysfunctional behaviors.
I went to a meeting the other night and they talked about the concept of "cocreating with God" which was good but that means you have to have come to some kind of reconcilliation with yourself.
It doesn't make much sense to go through life punishing ourselves, because we don't become better people through self-punishment, but we do become better by change.
Don't know how it is for other people, but somewhere along the way there came this idea of being better than or separate from others but there is no humanity in unhealthy self focus. Otherwise the struggle just continues.
Just bad, bad teachings, bad choices based on fear.
an agent is a projection after the seeing. there really is no graspable agent.
even these negative emotions. they appear like a storm, but where are they?
emotions are just juicy thoughts. the appear and go like bubbles.
wisdom from seeing clearly that all things arise and fall. all things are impermanent, unsatisfying, and have no inherent, permanent essence.
for me truth or wisdom itself gives me the chance to look into myself and see these things arises and fall. just old habits. nothing to do with me.
all thunderstorms pass. just accept it all by cradling it all in your arms. then the baby will eventually grow and leave on its own. there is nothing to do and that just being is forgiveness itself. it is letting go.
to me, your perspective is jumping the gun a little thus hindering the way
Buddha taught (1) refrain from harm; (2) cultivate good; and (3) purify the mind
you are concerned with purifying the mind (from self-focus) before cultivating goodness
Buddha taught all beings without exception are born with ignorance ('not-knowing') thus all beings have done unskilful harmful actions
each harmful action performed is an opportunity for learning, restraint & forgiveness
Buddha held this attitude, even towards a man who killed his own father
kindly
DD
There's a link to a lecture on Buddhist that was given a while ago by Noah Levine, a person who you may be able to relate to. He had struggled with drugs, violence, crime, etc as a young adult and was able to turn his life around with Buddhism. I hope that this video may be able to help you