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Personality change, losing friends?
pyramidsong
Veteran
Something I'm wondering about (and forgive the extreme egotism of my question- am a very new practitioner, still strongly steeped in the illusion of my personality;)) is sense of humour.
I'm known in my group of friends as "the funny one" and I will often make jokes bordering on the sarcastic or b*tchy. Now, I want to move away from mean-spirited humour as I know it's not skillful but it's a large part of my personality. My ego is still grappling with the idea that if I develop a nicer, gentler way of being I will become...boring, I guess?
Might seem silly but it is something I'm wondering about. I also swear like a sailor.That's gonna be HARD to unlearn!
I'm known in my group of friends as "the funny one" and I will often make jokes bordering on the sarcastic or b*tchy. Now, I want to move away from mean-spirited humour as I know it's not skillful but it's a large part of my personality. My ego is still grappling with the idea that if I develop a nicer, gentler way of being I will become...boring, I guess?
Might seem silly but it is something I'm wondering about. I also swear like a sailor.That's gonna be HARD to unlearn!
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Comments
Not silly at all - in fact, this very issue doesn't seem to be specifically addressed much here, but I think it's hugely valid in the post-modern Buddhist context. That is, how DO we deal with this loss of need to be "different"? I mean, so much of our 'selves' are taken up by this need, this desire to be different.
Who ARE we if we're not the guy who loves THAT band and hates THAT movie? Who are we if we don't have an interesting take on politics or art or sports or everyday life?
For people who don't have to worry about food or shelter much (generally), these tend to be the issues we grapple with.
I find the notion of letting go of this "individuality" - however flimsily constructed or based to be quite... maybe "frightening" isn't the exact word, but something like that.
I feel you on this stuff. It matters. It's not easy...
I'm really stuck clinging to these things. Especially my sexual identity and my academic status. I think it's safe to say I am, in equal measure, insecure and conceited.
The notion of abandoning identity is *really* scary.
Kind of a personal tale: I went to business school. They taught us all this stuff about the free market, the financial markets, all these elegant economic and financial models.
Turns out these perfectly constructed models bear very little resemblance to real life. Some things were directionally true, but simply nothing was really that close to how things really work.
My point? I personally (and this may be just for me) am taking it slowly, not necessarily going for the maximal Buddhist approach.
Meditation inherently softens this "I", but I just don't see a need to completely uproot it just yet - even the trivial, socially constructed stuff that makes I I.
For me, there are some things I've decided are sacrosanct: how I deal with others and avoiding causing pain wherever possible is something I'm trying not to compromise on. Selfishness and grasping as well.
But the ego stuff I'm handling more gently and more slowly, to see how I want to deal with it.
I have somewhat the same problem.
When I was in Middle School and High School I was the "nice guy."
However, that all changed when I started reading/studying/practicing Occult/Estoerics.
But now, I want to go back to be that guy who is always smiling.
I am afraid of how people will react, but who cares.
Just focus on you as you are the only who is important.
Plus you will make new friends.
I also cuss quite a bit and I am definitely trying to stop.
Just keep working at it!
I get this feeling, that when people get into Buddhism they think they have to abandon everything - good and bad alike. Some ask if they can really have a girlfriend, if they are lost because they have kids and so on - it's almost crazy (sorry).
There's nothing gained by abandoning good habits and healthy attachments, but the bad you win by leaving.
Making people laugh and have a good time while hurting no one is not a bad attachment or trait
I agree with normalname...sounds pretty shiny overall. ^_^
More than likely some of these things, you'll always or mostly identify as..but you don't want to corner yourself into always and only being those things, so you have no room to grow/adapt to changing circumstances in your life.
Not that there's automatically anything wrong with it if you turn out to be more or less all these things throughout your life..just that it shouldn't be because you've essentially forced yourself into a mold by clinging. I hope that makes sense..
I only a little while ago realized that clinging too much to notions of how I "should" be has made me try to be someone I'm not for the past 14 years. I don't recommend it..
Why do you, personally practice Buddhism? What do you hope to get from your practice? In other words, what results or changes in your life are you hoping will happen from meditation and following the 8-fold path?
Don't worry about a right or wrong or Buddhist answer. The only correct answer is the true one for you.
Thanks everyone for your replies and different perspectives. Although not sure you guys should have complimented my personality- I'll never abandon my ego if people keep doing that!
OK, then you have nothing to worry about. Compassion is what arises when you cultivate a peaceful and disciplined mind. As you practice that will become easier and easier.
And, some of the funniest and wittiest people I know are Buddhists. There is a reason why I have a huge statue of the Laughing Buddha (Hotei) on my altar. We laugh at ourselves, we laugh along with others, we laugh because sometimes there's nothing left to do but laugh.
Sounds like you've seen the results of someone who loses control a lot.
Sounds like what happened to me. I was going through the religious section of the local library, when I found a book on Buddhism and a newspaper clipping fell out with something about the local UU Minister. I'd never heard of Unitarian Universalism before that. The Minister, Rev Young, taught meditation classes. He became my first Teacher in many ways.
I was also by nature a skeptic, so I couldn't join some cult or even the religion I was raised on. Then I read the Four Noble Truths, and found a Teacher, and began this journey.
So just plain being lonely and wanting to be part of the Sangha is also one reason people practice Buddhism.
I know how you feel. I've curbed my social drinking to maybe having one glass of beer/wine when I'm with friends, but my friends are booze hounds. They love to get totally wasted, and when I don't even have a buzz, it's not exactly a good time. I feel like I can't really socialize with my friends since they're (like most college people) obsessed with drinking.
Although I don't have a teacher really, but the same goes for me. I just read about Buddhism and it was like "Oh. This is for me," without having any "goals" in mind really.
I'm someone who is known among friends as the funny and grumpy old man (I'm in my early twenties :P). I always criticize and joke about people.
But all of my friends know I'm one big softy inside and don't walk the walk just talk the talk.
So in the end, how much harm is done?
I will say that, you can look at it as a challenge. Think of it this way "if I'm that funny, then I should be able to constantly become better and aim for real challenges that test my abilities". I used to swear a lot more, and now can be funny with less swearing involved. It's very hard, but it's a question of....you guessed it....mindfulness
I've got what has been described as a 'well developed sense of humour'; and I'm a product of 17 years in the British army; a place known for it's lack of compassionate humour. Mine was likewise; I was completely merciless when it came to my brand of humour. I've hurt quite a few people using it; myself included.
I've probably accrued some pretty bad karma! :eek:
However, I've found that as I've trudged along a spiritual path (mostly with AA, but now with Buddhism), I haven't had to 'force' a personality change. I'm calmer inside, less tense, and I think I don't have to seek the release I used to look for in 'having a laugh'. I'm also far from ego-less, but it's been deflated somewhat; so I'm not always looking to be the life-and-soul of the party anymore either.
I also have the brilliant ability to keep my fat mouth shut now; that's been a huge help.
I still have a sense-of-humour, but I try to point it in a safe direction these days. Occasionally I slip up, but I'm no-where as near as bad as I used to be.