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Unrequited love and letting go
I am feeling pretty stuck right now, and I am posting this here because I hope that someone might have some wise insights:
I've had a story of unrequited love with a friend of three years - he just found himself a girlfriend, which prompted me to confess my feelings to him (because I felt like I wanted to explain why I need to distance myself a bit). He seemed pretty understanding. We had this conversation mostly over email, then met once - for me, this was to get some closure and say good-bye, and we had a pretty good, open and honest conversation, but I think for him it came as a surprise that I didn't want to continue the friendship as it was and he didn't like it though he said he would respect what is best for me.
I felt much better after the conversation (which was a bit more than 2 weeks ago) and didn't get in touch with him since; he on the other hand sent me two one-liners, which I simply didn't react to. It seems just too painful to me to be in casual contact with him, and I thought I had expressed myself well on this (and made sure to point out that this is none of his fault of course, and that I wish him well with his new girlfriend), but at the same time I feel quite rude not to reply (especially because there was a question in them). Each of these short emails sent me down a negative spiral (even though they certainly weren't meant like this) and forced me to think of a reaction (no reaction being a reaction as well), and I am a bit stuck as to how to best deal with this.
It led me to the question: what does "letting go" really mean? I initially thought of not keeping in touch as a way of letting go, and it seemed to work all right as long as he remained silent as well. Now I am wondering, would the real letting go rather be to send a lame line back and just let go mentally while still being in touch? Seems more difficult to me. Am I being too radical by just wanting to cut the friendship (for the time being)?
Any opinions welcome.
I've had a story of unrequited love with a friend of three years - he just found himself a girlfriend, which prompted me to confess my feelings to him (because I felt like I wanted to explain why I need to distance myself a bit). He seemed pretty understanding. We had this conversation mostly over email, then met once - for me, this was to get some closure and say good-bye, and we had a pretty good, open and honest conversation, but I think for him it came as a surprise that I didn't want to continue the friendship as it was and he didn't like it though he said he would respect what is best for me.
I felt much better after the conversation (which was a bit more than 2 weeks ago) and didn't get in touch with him since; he on the other hand sent me two one-liners, which I simply didn't react to. It seems just too painful to me to be in casual contact with him, and I thought I had expressed myself well on this (and made sure to point out that this is none of his fault of course, and that I wish him well with his new girlfriend), but at the same time I feel quite rude not to reply (especially because there was a question in them). Each of these short emails sent me down a negative spiral (even though they certainly weren't meant like this) and forced me to think of a reaction (no reaction being a reaction as well), and I am a bit stuck as to how to best deal with this.
It led me to the question: what does "letting go" really mean? I initially thought of not keeping in touch as a way of letting go, and it seemed to work all right as long as he remained silent as well. Now I am wondering, would the real letting go rather be to send a lame line back and just let go mentally while still being in touch? Seems more difficult to me. Am I being too radical by just wanting to cut the friendship (for the time being)?
Any opinions welcome.
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Comments
Cutting off a relationship like that is not right. Look at the situation as it is. Now look at it as you want it to be (abruptly cut off and forgotten). What you're doing is based on your idea of how the ideal situation would work out. However, reality doesn't work that way... you can't just change a couple of variables and expect the situation to change accordingly... it's still the same situation, just with a couple of variables changed. The right thing to do it so acknowledge the situation 'as is' and go from there. I am not saying make him break up with his gf, I am saying be friends. If you were friends then, there's no reason you can't be friends anymore, that's based on a false idea. However if you were friends ONLY for something more later down the line, that means the friendship was flawed to begin with.
I am tired, I don't know if that even made sense. Good luck.
Remember, the only place you can live is right now. This very moment. Not the past, not the future. Those don't exist. Only this moment exists, and you have complete control over how you feel and think and react in this moment.
Meditate, meditate, meditate.
Lost love isn't easy, but you'll pull through!
Best wishes on your journey...
Yes, makes sense, in a certain logic. I am not sure though that there is right or wrong here - I think the question is more what causes the least damage in the long run to everybody involved.
You gave me something to ponder over, with the friendship maybe having been flawed to begin with. I don't think so. The friendship developed into something more for me - the potential of something more that is - and as long as there were no counter-indications, it felt all right for me to let that feeling grow (had that for the last time 6 years ago, so I was actually quite happy to be able to let myself feel that again, and it did feel like there was a real potential). Then, a variable changed (before I changed any variables!), and all of a sudden it doesn't feel all right for me at all any more to feel what I am feeling. Yet, while being in contact with this person, I cannot help but feel what I am feeling... so a change in one variable does change some other variables down the road.
Maybe I need to re-formulate: it is not that I can't be friends any more, but the friendship maybe needs to include a period of detachment. Does that make sense?
Thanks for the sympathy and encouragement! Yes, it is tough like hell, and yes, I will pull through. What else is there to do anyway?
In which respect?
Yeah, it makes a lot of sense to me and I have been in a similar situation.
The other person involved wanted to be friends and I was quite clear that it wouldn't work for me - he reacted with " what are we then - enemies? " - and I saw that he was wanting to some how have a definition for "us" now.
For me I saw, and years later my feelings have not changed ( many other things have which impact on how I relate to the feelings ), that I would always want more than a friendship with this person - our relating and connection was like that. I explained this and he understood and told me he admired my clarity about the situation.
The rest of my thoughts are very similar to Mountains post. We don't know what will happen in the future - and this is why saying goodbye and having any kind of closure hasn't seen possible for me in the situation.
Love isn't always getting what we want is it - and certainly agree it isn't easy - it is what it is for me.
My opinion may be biased because my girlfriend has a habit of cutting people out of her life, some deserve it, some (in my opinion) don't. It doesn't seem to work out well for her.
At the end of the day you've got to do what you've got to do. It's your situation, so you'd know what's going on better than some random guy on the internet would. Best of luck!
Globalnomad's comment on it being about "what causes the least damage in the long run to everybody involved " was what I can relate to and what reminds me of the situation I went through.
We were fortunate enough to be able to have the opportunity and also to have the communication to enable us to discuss all we needed to at the time and the guy knows despite me not wanting ongoing contact he could have, and could still, contact me if he needed to.
We both had to respect and accept the choices each of had to make - and neither of us had the outcome we wanted, so I don't see it as selfish - more what was possible in the situation. Many other people ( adults and children ) were affected by the choices we made and most of those people remain unaware.
He has gone on to marry and so I have I ( again ) since that time.
Anyway, you strangers on the internet are a great help to me, as I am thousands of miles from home right now, stuck in a hotel room in Niger. Thanks for your contributions!
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FWIW: I have a little tear in my eye when I think back to the LAST time all of us (my group of co-ed friends) were together after college graduation. We were literally turning in our room keys and cars and cabs were packed for the airports and highways. I didn't even know what was happening! It happened: most of us lost touch exactly right then! SAD! :bawl: WOW!
Anyway, OP, leaving people behind is difficult. That old cliche, "Time heals all wounds" is true. Do whatever you feel you need; if it's asking him to stop writing, do so. Or get a new email address. Best of luck.
:bawl: :bawl: :bawl: :bawl: Life ___is___ a trip! :thumbsup:
What you have here is not a case of "letting go" - you can only let go someone who wants to be let go. What you have here is aversion, which is the other side of attachment and equally a cause of suffering. You are avoiding him because you can't handle your own emotions, so you have simply flipped from attachment and clinging, to aversion. Poor guy! He's probably wondering what he's done wrong!
What you need to 'let go' here is not the friend, it is your jealousy and possessiveness. Good friends are precious and rare, so I hope you are able to repair your friendship.
IMHO, I really think you should apologise to your friend and start working on rebuilding your friendship. Which will probably include befriending his girlfriend, or at least being nice to her.
On a more positive note, I think this has been a good learning experience for you, and an excellent illustration of the difference between attachment 'love' and unattached 'metta' (loving kindness and compassion). Part of the path of the Dharma is learning to develop you compassion and loving kindness, without ego and 'self' holding you back; without worrying "I'll be hurt. I can't handle this" but considering others more than yourself (because they are many and you are only one).
I sincerely hope this is not the end of your friendship, but if it is, learn from this.
I have taken this slowly, mostly trying to "let go" for myself and letting the other person be himself as well (which meant he continued to send a quick and superficial message once every few weeks, which I replied to on the same level or not at all). It did cause a good deal of pain for me, and it wasn't easy to let go on my end. I often found myself in the cycle of hope and fear again, as I didn't hear any mention of his girlfriend and was wondering...
It became clear to me that he wanted to keep me somehow in his life, but on a rather superficial level, which was not enough for me with this person who meant so much more to me. I did finally say that I feel some space and letting go would be better for me, and he respected that.
Ada_B, you do come across as a bit harsh. I don't see that I flipped to aversion. We "solved" this with a lot of mutual respect and understanding, and I support him in his endeavors. He is not a poor guy (nor am I a poor girl for this matter), and there is no need to apologize for anything. Not that I know too much about metta, but I think giving and taking some distance and space are sometimes the most loving actions to take. There is no virtue in staying in a superficial exchange for the sake of being in touch, when it causes pain to one person. I think of this person with love (yes!) and compassion, and I couldn't if I didn't have enough kindness toward myself to acknowledge when I cannot handle something...
Thanks I've been on the other end and whether she feels this way or not its good to hear. Thanks.