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Attachment and Clinging
ThailandTom
Veteran
Hello all
Is there anybody here who can part with some wisdom on attachment, clinging and suffering, because I am suffering and I know it is from an attachment and I think I am going crazy.
Is there anybody here who can part with some wisdom on attachment, clinging and suffering, because I am suffering and I know it is from an attachment and I think I am going crazy.
0
Comments
Is it attachment to gaining something and not wishing to lose it or gain something unpleasant (something abstract or concrete)?
Is it attachment to fame or reputation and not wanting to die obscure or worse fall into disrepute or end up shamed and dishonored?
It it attachment to a pleasant state of mind or emotion and not wanting to feel unpleasant emotions ever?
Is it attachment to praise or good words being said to or about you and never wanting to hear criticism or blame?
What kind of attachment are you facing friend?
Selfish love and selfless love are diametrically opposed. Selfish love is conditional love; you simply want your needs to be met, and if the person you have chosen to love doesn't serve your needs, you reject that person and search elsewhere. Although it may seem beautiful for a time, such love is bound to be fleeting. When the person you love wants help, you may give it. But once the price becomes too high, if you feel you are giving more than you are receiving, you simply stop loving. After all, there is only so much discomfort that you are willing to tolerate for another person.
Selfless love, though, means rising above your own needs. It means going outside of yourself, truly connecting with another person. The cure to this attachment is cultivating selfless love. If you put a condition on someone you love; be it time, distance, your expectation, your standards, any sort of condition, well then you don't really love that person. It's a selfish love. You need to learn to truly selflessly love that person. To detach, you need to empathize with the person with whom you're in love with. Understand their predicament, and let go of your expectations on them or your needs from them. Let them find happiness, so that you can find happiness too. It doesn't mean you stop loving them, but the type of love you have for them will change. It becomes deeper and more universal.
I suggest Metta Bhvana.
"Being in love" may be a very exciting emotional condition, but is it really happiness, or is it often mixed with a fair amount of suffering?
Attachment gives us the feeling of: How can this relationship fulfill MY needs? Real love would ask: What can I do for the OTHER?
Attachment based on selfishness: if you are good to me, I am good to you. Altruistic love is based on equanimity: one realizes that others are like me and want happiness. It is wishing others to be happy just because they exist.
Attachment leads to possessiveness: MY husband, MY wife, MY girlfriend, MY boyfriend, MY friend, MY family. Did you ever realise that we cannot own people, unless you believe in slavery?
Possessiveness leads to FEAR of losing, fake affection out of fear, overprotection, craving, jealousy or even the feeling: I can't live without her/him/my car/my cat/chocolate/pizzas/my job/my jewelery/my music....
Is the perfection we think to see in the loved one really there, or do we simply close our eyes for the negative qualities?
Is the perfection we are looking for in that other person even achievable?
I definitely empathize because I actually had to end a relationship because it became something that was ultimately damaging to myself but for different and opposite reasons. In my situation I was the one who selflessly loved the "other" and I found out that they didn't love me back selflessly at all. I ended the relationship because of it. I still to this moment have no ill-will for the one I love, but I stood back and let go of the relationship for my own well-being.
Huh? How? You have confused me. I will now inquire into the meaning of how this applies to his situation.
Can you explain how this relates to what we're discussing?
The most painful and difficult situations also offer us great opportunities - the one relationship which my thoughts go to has and continues to show me so about love - more than any other and it has offered me a depth of understanding which continues to evolve even though we no longer relate to each other - as The_Fruit_Punch_Wizard shares above " It doesn't mean you stop loving them, but the type of love you have for them will change. It becomes deeper and more universal ".