Listening to others' Crap

Davy

Sorry, this seems trivial perhaps. i've been a good listener for 35 years. Thus people seem to glom onto me to dump their stuff on me. Lately, it gets to me. They'll spend 30 minutes if i let them, dumping their woes, problems, negativity on me. I listen patiently for awhile and so next time, here they come, running across the street to dump on me again. I feel like running the other way, and sometimes, lately i do, just to get away. i try to avoid negative people.

What can i do? Buddhism says, i think, to indeed let them vent on you, and listen patiently to them - it's a way of giving. Is this right? Maybe i need help? What say ye?

Thanks.

Nirvana

My 2 cents:

Humor people. Change the subject. You are not a mop and bucket. Say something crazy like you gotta go blow the tickle from your left ear to your right with a blowdrier, cuz the tickle's more tolerable in the right one. Anything. You JUST DON'T have to stand there and take it all the time. No, Sir!

Actually, "negative" people's worlds are just too small and they're taking themselves too seriously.

You know what that means?

It means that they're taking themselves too seriously (as I just said).

Humor=NOT taking oneself too seriously.

Laughing at others is not the stuff of which humor is made. Humor comes from the ability to laugh at oneself. One whose world does not end at his or her fingertips is a more complete, joyous, and humorous person.

Humorless people can also be very mean, so watch out for their traps!

Davy

Nivana, thanks. You have got that right, too serious. Plus they are SO into themselves, so self centered, they do not think of listening themselves. They just outflow (talk obsessively, compulsively). Never inflow.
Humor, ok, i'll try it.

i wonder what the Dalai Lama would do? or other enlightened buddhist monks?

Maybe i'm hanging around the wrong people. But then, it seems the world is full of these kind of people.

I try to give, but all give and no take, makes Davy a sad/poor fellow.

Any more thoughts?

Nameste'

ShiftPlusOne

Be blunt with them. It's not just about listening. Telling them where they're going wrong to begin with might be what's necessary.

I try to give, but all give and no take, makes Davy a sad/poor fellow.

Then you're giving with the wrong intentions and expectations.

Nirvana

DavyCrockett,
to ShiftPlusOne's sincere comments I add:

Tell them they're not thinking right. Tell them to rethink. Tell them about the sign(s) they could put around their living space: "Are You Sure?"

Our minds lead us down the wrong paths.

I myself work in a nursing home and I love telling people about different ways of thinking. It is a real vocation for all of us, though, I think.

being

I don't think being blunt would achieve that much most of the time. They would perceive your words as an attack towards them and think something like 'what did I ever to do you for you to treat me like this?'. I would vote for gentleness combined with humor.

The_Fruit_Punch_Wiza

DavyCrockett wrote: »

S

What can i do? Buddhism says, i think, to indeed let them vent on you, and listen patiently to them - it's a way of giving. Is this right? Maybe i need help? What say ye?

Thanks.

We want to get love, rather than give love.
We seek understanding, rather than trying to understand.
We seek self-confidence, rather than respecting others.
We seek praise and encouragement, rather than giving praise and encouragement .
We don't like criticism, but like to criticise others.


With honesty and the sincere sharing you can openly tell them in a caring way that you feel bogged down by all the negativity.

Zayl

No need to be entirely blunt, but be honest. Honesty combined with humor, etc will often solve your problems in this regard. If not? then make an excuse that you have somewhere to be.

I too, know how insufferable it can be to have people latch onto you and vomit into you like you're an emotional toilet.

ShiftPlusOne

When I said blunt, I didn't mean to tell them "Hey! You are a horrible human being and you smell!". However, if you see what they're doing wrong, there's no reason not to point it out. Even if people react in anger initially, the seed is planted and they may eventually see it as well. At the same time, I didn't mean that you should be rude, just sincere. If your advice is honest and sincere, it can be blunt without being harsh.

Davy

Thanks for all rereplies. honesty and humor. i need to work on it i suppose. i sure have plenty of opportunities to practice.

ShiftPlusOne

Also, don't expect any kindness on your behalf to be noted or appreciated... ever. You'd just be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Davy

Shift + 1, thought about what you said...yes, probably the first 25 years i DID have more the right attitude, i was indeed being sincere, feeling compassion, and didn't expect anything back. i was just giving for the pure joy of it. as i reflect, maybe the last several years, i have been trying to give, but have gotten tired of others' only outpouring, monologues and no giving on their parts. Guess lately i HAVE been expecting some return and/or giving back on others' parts, like you said, and have been being disappointed time after time. i have to 'not care' and have the more indifferent attitude.

Davy

An aside, tried this yesterday...a fellow started dumping on me. After 5 minutes, i finally said, well, good luck with that, i gotta go meditate on some buddhism, and left.

Today he half apologized about dumping all his negative stuff on me, and we laughed about my going to meditate. (course he thought i was joking, but i wasn't)

So the humor helped, as well as the semi brutal honesty. Thanks, all.