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lack of a mate/spouse in Buddhism vs. Judeo-Christian religions
Hello,
I'm asking this as a 27 year old woman who really wants to be in a romantic relationship but I'm not in a relationship or married and I have never been in romantic relationship, and I'm suffering a lot because of this.
In Buddhism they teach that all the happiness and suffering comes from the mind and enlightened people realize this, and not to look to the outside world for your happiness. Many Buddhists become monks or nuns and are not in any romantic relationships or married, and I assume are happy still.
In Judaism (and Christianity also I think) they teach that men and women were created to be united in marriage and a woman or man will not feel whole and complete until they are married to their spouse. In fact, in Judaism men are commanded by G-d to get married and then have children.
There's ascetism (monk and nuns) in Buddhism and some types of Christianity, but in Judaism they see this as being unnatural, since men and women were created to be together and united in marriage, and there's no such thing as Jewish monks or nuns.
What does Buddhism say about the natural, healthy, human desires a person has to have sex and procreate, and to have romantic relationships or a spouse? What if these natural urges aren't fulfilled? These urges are there for a reason (to procreate and get married) and if they go unfulfilled it causes a lot of suffering and I don't think it's healthy to repress them.
I hope I'm making sense.
I'm asking this as a 27 year old woman who really wants to be in a romantic relationship but I'm not in a relationship or married and I have never been in romantic relationship, and I'm suffering a lot because of this.
In Buddhism they teach that all the happiness and suffering comes from the mind and enlightened people realize this, and not to look to the outside world for your happiness. Many Buddhists become monks or nuns and are not in any romantic relationships or married, and I assume are happy still.
In Judaism (and Christianity also I think) they teach that men and women were created to be united in marriage and a woman or man will not feel whole and complete until they are married to their spouse. In fact, in Judaism men are commanded by G-d to get married and then have children.
There's ascetism (monk and nuns) in Buddhism and some types of Christianity, but in Judaism they see this as being unnatural, since men and women were created to be together and united in marriage, and there's no such thing as Jewish monks or nuns.
What does Buddhism say about the natural, healthy, human desires a person has to have sex and procreate, and to have romantic relationships or a spouse? What if these natural urges aren't fulfilled? These urges are there for a reason (to procreate and get married) and if they go unfulfilled it causes a lot of suffering and I don't think it's healthy to repress them.
I hope I'm making sense.
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Comments
It's not that awakened people don't look for happiness in the external world, it's more that they don't need to; they're happy regardless of their external circumstances.
It's a beautiful idea, but it rests on some pretty big assumptions, such as we've been 'created' for a specific teleological purpose. It's hard not to see some sort of design or purpose in our lives and desires, and maybe deep down we really want there to be one, but I think Darwin's fairly well-proven theory of evolution took a hammer to teleology (not to mention Aristotle's implicitly teleological doctrine of form and actuality), and I don't see much left.
Incidentally, the idea that we're two half-organisms seeking to reincorporate into one physical organism via sexual union is also presented by Aristophanes in Plato's Symposium (385–380 BCE). If you haven't already read it, I highly suggest it; it's a good read.
Asceticism isn't for everyone, and the Buddha never suggested that it was. That's why there are different levels of Buddhist precepts.
Celibacy is really only beneficial in the context of a well-developed meditation practice, or for someone who's in the process of developing one, where these types of desires and attachments fade on their own via the rapture and pleasure that's experienced in relation to various states of meditative absorption (jhana). As one poster once put it:
As for the rest, these urges/desires are natural and have a purpose, which is the reproductive success of the organism and the successful propagation of genes, but that doesn't mean these desires are the only ones we can pursue, or even require marriage for that matter (one can reproduce without such civil contracts/religious sanctions).
But if one finds a suitable partner and desires to have a family, there's nothing wrong with that from the Buddhist point of view, and the Buddha often gave advice on things like how to help hold a family together (AN 4.32) or how to conduct oneself skillfully in relationships so as to bring happiness to all concerned (DN 31).
As for repressing sexual urges, there is nothing unhealthy about it (so long as the individual doesn’t let it get to them which can lead to an unhealthy mind which in turn disturbs emotions and can in the long run lead to sickness). Many Buddhist monks are celibate their whole lives and are probably healthier than the average person believe it or not. A lot of why they do it has to do with reincarnation and transcending those cycles (How do you transcend the body if you are so strongly attached to the body and its pleasures?). Also many Buddhists practice Qigong, and in Nei Dan (internal elixir) enlightenment techniques it is actually required that you are celibate because then your sexual energy, instead of being expelled, is being used internally to uplift your Qi and spirit. It is also said in Qigong theory that every time you ejaculate you deteriorate your Jing (Original Essence). That is a different subject though.
As for the logic of Judaism, I would argue that is more of an orthodox stance. I know with certainty there are ascetic Jews (like Buddhists) who are celibate (Jesus for example who was a Jew was an ascetic). The “being unnatural” argument has some merit in that it is unnatural to not recognize the divine masculine and the divine feminine, and acknowledging that all nature comes from these two things and they are mutually dependent (think Yin and Yang). True ascetism though requires transcending bodily pleasures (Buddhism is at its core an ascetic religion).
The reason you suffer is because you desire those things so much. Your desire for them is not innate, but rather you do have a choice by your free will, and you have chosen to attach yourself to those pleasures and thus desire them. As it is said quite eloquently “Desire is the root of all suffering.” Now I know sexual and relationship desires can be quite strong ones, and this isn’t the easiest of things to deal with, but if you can find a good reason to abstain from them, and cultivate a strong desire for it, then I can assure you it will become easier to do so. If you are wondering why one might want to abstain then question what purpose being an ascetic would serve. That lifestyle is not for everyone though, and again it is perfectly healthy and ok to have those desires. Just remember though your suffering is equal to the degree you choose to desire them by your free choice. Try not to let it get to you so much, there are a lot of beautiful things to appreciate beyond those desires.
Thanks, Mahakala, and welcome to the forum.
Because those relationships weren't right for me. I felt, like you, that it was expected of me to have girlfriends, that society viewed me as weird if I didn't. Plus the desires that you've already mentioned played a role.
But the thing is I didn't discriminate, if a girl showed some interest then I'd let things progress for the sake of being in a relationship, and I suffered emotionally thanks to that lack of discrimination/judgement.
I'm single now and am not actively looking, if someone enters my life who I like a great deal then I may pursue a relationship again, but if that happens it will be because I want to, not because society expects it or simply out of lust.
Basically I'm saying don't force yourself to enter into relationships that you may later regret. Buddha taught us to be wise and use discernment in all the things that we do.
And I find buddhism ill-equipped to provide an answer to why one should incorporate it into one's life as the natural primal desire that it is (like that of food and shelter).
We are animals. I'm still trying to find something in buddhism that acknowledges sex as NECESSARY. If along came a catastrophe that reduced the world's population to a bunch of monks and nuns, I wonder what the Buddha would have to say to them about sex.
Actually, if you believe in rebirth/reincarnation, it would make sense that sex would be a requirement to even achieve nirvana, unless you were able to do so in this life.
My advice : follow your heart. Buddhism has a lot of good things to say about life, but personally (and this is coming from someone with little more romantic relationship than you Shana) I think it's too much of life-changing experience to not be considered. If anything, it might help put everything into perspective, and if things go wrong in the end, it will provided the kind of suffering BENEFICIAL to pursuing nirvana and learning what it means to really experience attachment. The Buddha had a romantic and sexual life before he achieved Nirvana, and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have had an accurate enough picture of reality ON HIS OWN if he hadn't had that experience. Others might disagree.
So, I'm not saying you should pursue a romantic relationship, but if you carry your life and find at some point you do fall for someone, taking the chance won't make your life any worse. Most buddhist monks that never experience romance and sex were probably people who were taken to monasteries very young. They wouldn't have a way to know any other reality.
Yes, you make sense. In a non-Buddhist sort of way. Non-Buddhism says, "Oh. An itch. This is uncomfortable. I think I will scratch it." So they scratch and scratch until it starts to bleed. Then they scratch some more, pulling the scab off and bleed more. At no point do they stop and question whether this approach actually accomplishes relief.
Buddhists say, "Oh. An itch. This is uncomfortable. It think I will let this itch 'be' and it will go away eventually"
Nothing wrong with marrying. But understand that both being single AND being with someone are double-sided coins. Both have benefits, both have drawbacks. As a matter of fact, the closer someone is to you, the more deeply they can hurt your feelings. It is also worthy to note:
- A sociological survey of over 10,000 marriages done some years ago found that only 12.5% of marriages were happy marriages.
- Psychological studies on marriage and happiness found that while married men were happier than single men, single women were happier than married women.
I think you will find that becoming romantically involved will be exciting and heady, that getting married will be absolutely wonderful, and that 3-5 years down the road, you will start to make some real progress in your Buddhist practice. As one of the verses from Eight Verses For Training the Mind goes:
"When someone whom I have helped,
Or in whom I have placed great hopes,
Mistreats me in extremely hurtful ways,
May I regard him still as my precious teacher."
It is in our nature to want, to yearn for that which we do not have, and that includes our attitudes about relationships. But that is not the path for freedom from discontent/unhappiness/suffering.
Being in a relationship. when there are evident matters you need to address, will merely compound your problems, not alleviate them.
I think things will begin to fall into place for you as you work with your counselor and overcome your "obstacles". Patience is key. What's the hurry? You're only 27--lots of time, yet. Enjoy your independence and solitude (easier said than done, for some, but the point is: look at the plus side. No drama, you're your own boss. Lots to be thankful for.)