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Another Heartbreak thread. Sort of.
I recently read through the thread about Buddhism and Heartbreak. I felt I gained some useful information from it, and due to a somewhat similar experience felt the need to post. However..I did not want to hijack that thread, so I've made a separate one.
I've been in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. I do understand basic Buddhism.. suffering stems from attachment etc etc. And I did try my best to decipher and understand the points in the other thread about that particular attachment. However, it still doesn't make real sense to me. As of recent..specifically the last year, certain events in my life and certain events in hers have changed the relationship somewhat. Yes..I get conditional love..but I'd say 99% of the world loves conditionally except for their children. OR in the least choose how to express that love on conditional terms. If you are in a relationship and love the person unconditionally as you have all said in the other thread...if they decided to murder your entire family or ..I don't know.. try to destroy your life out of nowhere..you'd cease the relationship..
Now to my specific situation. To express all of 4 years in a dialogue this short would be near impossible..so instead I must paraphrase, most likely ineffectively. From a logical standpoint, me and her are entirely different..but from an illogical standpoint we "love" eachother. Sure..I have complained, immaturely, that she isn't deep and she likes "bad" music etc...but yet..I've been with her and loved her for four years. See what I mean about logical vs illogical. Like I said before..the last year..this have changed and from my perspective this is due to outside situation. She started genuinely working towards her career, I started playing music again and am close to finishing my undergraduate degree etc. She said she feels as though we have grown apart and decided that she wants a "break"..not a break up..but that she wants a break. She then said she knows she will end up with me..she wants to make that next step with me but needs to take a step back from the situation and gather herself and needs some time. This seems contradictory and strange to me, but so be it. I have no real other options than to abide by her decision and attempt to give her space and time..albeit that is difficult for me.
This has caused me a lot of grief and tension. I can't seem to get her nor the situation out of my mind. I tried to reason with her and explain to her that I do realize I haven't given as much..and am sorry that I didn't realize such sooner..but I do have intention of committing further and loving her and giving to the relationship. But still she wants time and space.
I realize that this is a situation I now have little control over her. This will ultimately come to her decision..no amount of my reasoning will change that. I must admit..it is difficult to imagine after four years..not experiencing another day with her..cuddling with her..sex with her..eating dinner with her etc etc. Yes..very difficult for me. I have thought a lot about whether those thoughts pain her at all.. but as stated in the other thread..I shouldn't be focusing on her or trying to deduce what she is feeling or thinking. Understandable.
Now the real question comes down to this: I can read all of your words about attachment, letting go etc and actually agree with them. Just as anyone can read the words of the Buddha and agree with them..but one must realize these things fully within themselves..within their heart..reading, understanding and agreeing are not enough. So therefore my main question is, how does one actually go about letting go of attachment? How would I in my current situation take steps and what steps would they be to truly within my heart and mind let go of the situation?
So to be clear..I agree that attachment to the current situation is the cause of my suffering. But obviously this agreement or understanding is not enough because I'm still experiencing such suffering. I need physical steps and guidelines to actually letting go. Thank you in advance for any response.
I've been in a relationship with a girl for 4 years. I do understand basic Buddhism.. suffering stems from attachment etc etc. And I did try my best to decipher and understand the points in the other thread about that particular attachment. However, it still doesn't make real sense to me. As of recent..specifically the last year, certain events in my life and certain events in hers have changed the relationship somewhat. Yes..I get conditional love..but I'd say 99% of the world loves conditionally except for their children. OR in the least choose how to express that love on conditional terms. If you are in a relationship and love the person unconditionally as you have all said in the other thread...if they decided to murder your entire family or ..I don't know.. try to destroy your life out of nowhere..you'd cease the relationship..
Now to my specific situation. To express all of 4 years in a dialogue this short would be near impossible..so instead I must paraphrase, most likely ineffectively. From a logical standpoint, me and her are entirely different..but from an illogical standpoint we "love" eachother. Sure..I have complained, immaturely, that she isn't deep and she likes "bad" music etc...but yet..I've been with her and loved her for four years. See what I mean about logical vs illogical. Like I said before..the last year..this have changed and from my perspective this is due to outside situation. She started genuinely working towards her career, I started playing music again and am close to finishing my undergraduate degree etc. She said she feels as though we have grown apart and decided that she wants a "break"..not a break up..but that she wants a break. She then said she knows she will end up with me..she wants to make that next step with me but needs to take a step back from the situation and gather herself and needs some time. This seems contradictory and strange to me, but so be it. I have no real other options than to abide by her decision and attempt to give her space and time..albeit that is difficult for me.
This has caused me a lot of grief and tension. I can't seem to get her nor the situation out of my mind. I tried to reason with her and explain to her that I do realize I haven't given as much..and am sorry that I didn't realize such sooner..but I do have intention of committing further and loving her and giving to the relationship. But still she wants time and space.
I realize that this is a situation I now have little control over her. This will ultimately come to her decision..no amount of my reasoning will change that. I must admit..it is difficult to imagine after four years..not experiencing another day with her..cuddling with her..sex with her..eating dinner with her etc etc. Yes..very difficult for me. I have thought a lot about whether those thoughts pain her at all.. but as stated in the other thread..I shouldn't be focusing on her or trying to deduce what she is feeling or thinking. Understandable.
Now the real question comes down to this: I can read all of your words about attachment, letting go etc and actually agree with them. Just as anyone can read the words of the Buddha and agree with them..but one must realize these things fully within themselves..within their heart..reading, understanding and agreeing are not enough. So therefore my main question is, how does one actually go about letting go of attachment? How would I in my current situation take steps and what steps would they be to truly within my heart and mind let go of the situation?
So to be clear..I agree that attachment to the current situation is the cause of my suffering. But obviously this agreement or understanding is not enough because I'm still experiencing such suffering. I need physical steps and guidelines to actually letting go. Thank you in advance for any response.
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Comments
But nobody can do this for you.
The only thing I can advise you to do, is to buy a beautiful flower while it is still in bud, place it in a vase of water, and watch its daily progress, until it withers, flops over and finally dies.
The flower has not 'clung' to anything. It has merely done what a flower always does.
It has blossomed, flourished and died.
Just as every single thing must.
I recently watched my father die, before my very eyes.
I could stop or change nothing.
I'm afraid this is what you must accept.
But how to do it?
Sorry.
You'll have to work that out for yourself.
you know the theory.
The practice is down to you.
I do appreciate your response very much. I am sorry about your fathers passing.
Another question I have come to the conclusion of...if she loved me unconditionally..she would not be declaring a break due to circumstance? Isn't this so? If that is the case, should I simply break up with her due to this?
You need to ask yourself what you truly want out of the relationship. You need to ask yourself what you think she wants from the relationship. You have to think if there is a lot you'd change in the relationship. How much of it is related to your inherent nature and hers?
But most importantly, what do you want out of live, and will the relationship with this person give it to you?
Just to give you some context (since I was the guy posting the other thread) - me and my ex broke up essentially because we lived in different countries. There are other reasons, but suffice it to say, she couldn't leave where she lived and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life there. This was me stepping back in my own head and asking myself, despite all my deep deep love for her, do I really want to commit to that location forever? Should I make myself AROUND this relationship or should relationships be about ease and joy and freedom?
There this romantic tale we are sold via movies and poetry ya know? But there is also this other tale which is sold to us - that relationship are all about compromise compromise compromise. Either you detach completely and give yourself completely to the other person becoming her servant, ignoring your wants...or the relationship doesn't go anywhere.
I'm pretty sure you can see how this is not healthy and makes a lot of people unhappy. It doesn't mean we can't make some sacrifices, but the whole point of being in a relationship in the first place should be for BOTH people to be happy!
For that to happen each must search for their happiness alone, and the context must be right so that it doesn't involve much compromise. If I want to fish oysters in Japan and she wants to be an anchor in an US TV station....the context isn't right.
Career is just an example. It's an example of something important enough in one's personal life, to question how we make conduct our lives and make decisions.
My advice, let her breathe a little, but when time comes to talk with her, ask her the really difficult questions. Ask yourself the really difficult questions. Maybe you are aware of red flags....but fooling yourself into believing they are not important. That's the power of attachment. And that's why Buddhism talks about it so much. I know what it's like to want to do whatever you can to make something work...try an exercise - imagine a life without her. What would you be doing right now? Where? HOW would you be going about it. For example, you might think you two have similar life goals if you both happen to want a family......but it's HOW people want to go about things that matters. And be mindful of the little things that irritate you. They are symptoms of something. My ex was an angle in my eyes lol, and yet...somethings she did pissed me off, even though I wouldn't make a big deal about them. I realized this was something I had to understand by myself. But I also understood they would never go away because this was how she was.
I don't know if that was of any help, but those were my 2 cents anyway.
And Jeffrey has it right, time helps.
OH! One big tip, don't feed the attachment by looking at pictures, or anything else that reminds you of her. Try to isolate yourself from those things, while apart. It will help give you perspective. Trust me.
You need to respect that and it gives you a great opportunity to be with yourself also. Take this time just as it is and don't question things to much. Don't wonder why she wants this time alone because she most probably doesn't know it herself either.
I'm young and not very experienced, but certainly wouldn't advice what Epicurus said, to start questioning about what you want in life and in your relationship. I'd just be the leaf in the breeze of life. Getting blown where the wind goes. Letting go of attachments is certainly a part of this, that's where Epi has a good point. But in the end you are the only one to find out what to do. Or what not to do.
For me, this practice puts things into perspective ... very few of us go through the length of our life without having to say goodbye to someone we love, or without being afraid that we will have to say goodbye. When we take the focus off of ourselves, and turn it onto others who are feeling the same way, sending them comfort, it turns a bitter experience into a bitter-yet-sweet experience. Open fully to the feeling, live it, understanding that relationships, relationship-breaks, and endings ... all do not continue forever, and that this is the essence of living.
Since everything IS impermanent, live your life for what is happening in this very moment. As much as possible, stop telling yourself these stories of grief, fear, or pain. They serve no purpose and are only a backdrop to what is actually happening in this moment. You cannot pretend the stories are not there, but you do not have to grab onto them and you do not have to reinforce them by seeking them out. Recognize, acknowledge but do not grasp.