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The fifth precept and friendships

dreamweapondreamweapon
edited November 2010 in Buddhism Basics
As I've continued with the Buddhist path a natural inclination to stop drinking and engaging in other light substances has occurred. Which is great news to me, as it ties right in to the fifth precept. As a result I've felt healthier and better about myself.

Curious if others have had this experience and have dealt with social situations where there is still unsaid pressure to 'have some beers' with friends? I know I'm beyond the stages of succumbing to peer pressure but this morning am thinking of some more tactful ways of explaining, if I have to, why I would hold such a life change in high esteem.

Comments

  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    edited November 2010
    How about just having a club soda while they have some beers? I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic who does just that. If others are drinking alcohol, he drinks something non-alcoholic, but joins in the conversation and the meal just like the rest of the group.
  • patrickpatrick
    edited November 2010
    I totally agree with Mountains, it's totally possible to be part of the social outing without drinking alcohol.

    If you're worried that you might feel out of place, don't. Your friends won't mind if you don't have a beer.
  • TheDoctorDonnaTheDoctorDonna
    edited November 2010
    I have to agree that, for the most part, you should not have any problems in not drinking alcohol in a group setting.

    After a while your friends wont even notice.
  • Invincible_summerInvincible_summer Heavy Metal Dhamma We(s)t coast, Canada Veteran
    edited November 2010
    in practice it sounds easy to not drink when your friends are getting plastered, but the antics that you once found amusing will not be when you're sober.
  • dreamweapondreamweapon
    edited November 2010
    Thanks for the encouraging advice.

    I have the will power to go out and not drink in front of them, it is only when the questions get asked. Even if they are innocent (why don't you want a beer? etc). I have some blue collar friends/coworkers who devote nearly every evening to the pursuit of drinking in bars. When someone they know intends to move on from the activity, their suspicion meters arise :) I can move on from them, but would hate to over something as petty as this in my mind.

    Coming up with a tactful explanation that doesn't sound cocky or out of the ordinary, yet still truthful, is what I'm looking for. Or am I overthinking this? Do I deserve to explain to them why I go beerless?
  • ShiftPlusOneShiftPlusOne Veteran
    edited November 2010
    "I don't drink." doesn't cut it? That's what I say and there don't seem to be any questions afterwards.
  • StaticToyboxStaticToybox Veteran
    edited November 2010
    I'll still have a beer from time to time (in fact I recently discovered Leinenkugel, which I quite like), but the days of drinking to get drunk are long past me. But even when I was still in my "drinking days" there would be some nights where I just didn't feel like drinking. My friends were always cool with this. Just tell yours you're just not into drinking anymore. They should understand and be accepting of this. Besides, you can be the designated driver.
  • Invincible_summerInvincible_summer Heavy Metal Dhamma We(s)t coast, Canada Veteran
    edited November 2010
    Takeahnase wrote: »
    Besides, you can be the designated driver.

    Yay! :wtf:
  • StaticToyboxStaticToybox Veteran
    edited November 2010
    Invincible_summer wrote: »
    Yay! :wtf:

    You get the satisfaction of knowing that your friends all made it home safely. :)
  • SabreSabre Veteran
    edited November 2010
    I stopped drinking for half a year a while back. I drink again but that's not because of social pressure. It's just because.. I wanted to I guess. But to be clear there was totally no problem with not drinking. Nobody made a point of it, really. Sometimes a lame joke but you surely can handle that. Just make a joke back.

    It's the vegetarian thing most people don't get.
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    edited November 2010
    Dreamweapon, the time may have come for you to find new friends who support your values. As we evolve, we sometimes find ourselves evolving out of old friendships that no longer are a good fit. Nothing wrong with finding new, "virtuous friends", as they say.
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    edited November 2010
    Takeahnase wrote: »
    I'll still have a beer from time to time (in fact I recently discovered Leinenkugel, which I quite like), but the days of drinking to get drunk are long past me.

    Me as well, although I never really did drink to get drunk. I enjoy a glass of wine or a good beer now and then though, but I never have more than two of either. I'll also take a sip of bourbon as well, but the same applies - never more than one.
  • Rmurray1985Rmurray1985
    edited November 2010
    Abstaining is for monks... Moderation is for everyone else.

    If you don't want to drink at all anymore, that's good. I feel you may be afraid of missing out on some fun nights with your friends? Let what will be, be...

    Surely your friendships aren't based entirely on drinking?
  • dreamweapondreamweapon
    edited November 2010
    Good advice guys. I do not understand the point of moderation for my sake. I've gone out and had just one or two drinks, but doing so just seems like maintaining social protocol or something. Why not just quit entirely, or do without, you know? Getting that cloudy buzz is not of benefit to me. And I have been drunk hundreds of times. That field has been well mined of it's fools gold! Time to move on.

    And no, my relationships are not based entirely on drinking. Though I do have friends that often plan nights of decadence, or any time I want to see them they insist on meeting at the bar or plan on getting drunk. Unconsciously I have been avoiding seeing them, probably because of the reasons I am stating above.

    "Let what will be, be..." I like that :) thanks.
  • dreamweapondreamweapon
    edited November 2010
    compassionate_warrior wrote: »
    Dreamweapon, the time may have come for you to find new friends who support your values. As we evolve, we sometimes find ourselves evolving out of old friendships that no longer are a good fit. Nothing wrong with finding new, "virtuous friends", as they say.

    This is something I have often thought about. But it is diffcult to let go of friends, some I have known since high school, over what I feel is a petty issue.

    If they do not accept my choices or ridicule them, that would be a serious matter for me to consider.
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    edited November 2010
    It doesn't have to be an either-or proposition, the friendship matter. You can begin to look for new friends who aren't interesting in alcohol, while maintaining your old friendships.
  • dreamweapondreamweapon
    edited November 2010
    Well, I recently began dating a great girl who doesn't drink so that will help :)
  • compassionate_warriorcompassionate_warrior Veteran
    edited November 2010
    Sounds like a promising start. ;)
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