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bleeeeeeh
ThailandTom
Veteran
So I relasped big time. In the last 3 days I have taken so much xanax and valiu, I have little clue of what has happened. However, my anxiety has gone so much, I go with thai strangers, I have dinner with them, a laugh and joke, I do not think of my ex anymore, so obviously there are good points and bad points. WHat do people here think I should do?
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I have TRIED and TRIED and listened to get over this ttachment for one year, I cannot So I went and got a load of meds, over the counter in tuailand it easy. I THINK in 3 days I have taken about 150 mgs of valium and 25 mgs of xanax.
It really has helped with amny things, but my buddhist path is now destroyed. Medical help here in thailand is not the same as at home, plus I do not have travel insurance so.... Thanks anyway dude
Just remember that your buddha-nature is always present in yourself; no matter how thick the skin of samsara is around it.
this may not be an option in Thailand, but you need to get to the root of what's causing the anxiety, and deal with what sounds like it might be depression due to a divorce. Get a good therapist. If you can find a good one, in a year or two you won't need xanax and valium anymore. Or maybe practicing mindfulness when the anxiety etc. come up, to discover the root cause yourself, would work. Good luck.
I am not sure what you should do, Tom, but don't beat yourself up on the bender you have been on.
These are you processes you are going through, and only you can go through them.
be careful and mindfull:)
namaste
I prefer valium for my current situation, xanax makes you sleepy as hell, and does not last as long. The half life is also pretty weak.
Anyway, yes I have fallen down, I have been lower than this with drugs ways back, i can come back, but for now I I am going to numb myself for some time. If I was in the UK I would seek therapy, but here it is slightly different so...
Thanks again, people, take care
Have you heard of Trungpa Rinpoche? Maybe you can get some inspiration from one who also struggled with drugs.
I think you feel attachment because of your awaken(ing) heart. You liked that love and you think that is the way to go. Link in with that longing for love and see what in your life fits in with that vision. Might be some simple things. Its not about sex. I mean love. Drugs and attachment we are trying to get that. Am I right?
You might have limited options. But the despair is just cobwebs of thought. It isn't the real heart of awakening. Just watch the despair and wait for it to break. Its suffering Tom. You'll get the hang of it eventually and know that it comes. Like a bad penny it always turns up. But theres a point where you know that it isn't the point. That you want to get to a good place but that the suffering is just a season???
Hope this helps.
I feel good talking with people, having dinner with them, socializing that is always nice. I can see how this replaces what I feel for this one person in specific, but it is not love obviously and is also transient.
It was never just about sex, casual sex to me is meaningless and I care little of it, the relationship I had was built around many things. These drugs they block everything out, yet I am always losing things now and forget much of what I have done or have to do. This is the downsides..
Meh, I don't know, time will tell
Thanks a lot guys, Tom
I know the feeling. I'm always like 'one more drink'. I swear sometimes I just want to hit myself over the head with a brick to knock myself out for the night!
Very true I think..an Eastern Orthodox friend of mine likes to quote some monks in an EO monastery...when asked "what do you and and your friends do all day?", a monk replies "we fall and we get up, we fall and we get up, we fall and we get up."
I feel for you, Tom..remember, the aim is not to be perfect, but to try.
I am still using these intoxicants to cover up whats inside, I am too weakly minded to confront it, maybe too lazy. The train wreck will continue, but it is not all a bad, I am having such a good social and loving/compassionate life with everyone so....
Thanks for any concern anyway people, take care
It's just too much, Tom. It's just too much. What I am most concerned about is a sudden loss of supply in the short term, and, as you say, the train wreck will continue and it appears it will for the long term. If you were my younger brother I would be working on having you locked up in hospital, and that's no kidding. As it is, I can write this from my easy chair and go back to watching TV, but at some point you are going to be hurting very severely.
Be well.
Yes we have rehabs in the UK too, but I do not wish to leave thailand anytime soon. The train wreck is not so much of a disaster, I just have as much valium as I want basically and recently have been taking 70-100Mg a day.
I am more or less coherent, I can type okay and I am FULLY aware of the dangers of suddenly stopping a dizaepam binge and the tolerance/addiction.
I am covering up somethings with this newly found solution, I know it is not suitable but as I keep saying, I do not care. Some day I will maybe seek a counselor and taper MYSELF away from valium.
I am working on my portfolio to obtain a graphics job, still earning a living playing poker and living ok.
But again, please do not worry brother
Tom, I do wish you all the very best & I hope you manage to find a way out of the "train wreck" that you choose to remain in.
Please take care of yourself & find get some help soon.
Also, many drug users say that it's the alcohol that leads them to taking drugs, or if they're not taking drugs their alcohol consumption increases. If you're an addict your first reaction to what I've just said could be "No, that's not me!", because the idea of having a problem with both drugs and alcohol and having to give them both up can seem to be too much to handle.
My way of finding a solution to stopping drinking was via Alcoholics Anonymous, and many addicts go there because they know alcohol is what leads them to taking drugs, so by treating their alcohol problem, that also treats the drug problem. There are also Narcotics Anonymous meetings, but I have no experience of them.
These programs are 12 Step based, you will hear the word 'God', but it's such a flexible and roomy spiritual program that you can just change the word 'God' for something else that fits with your spiritual beliefs; Dharma would be a good fit for example, or the Three Jewels; or Buddha Nature.
I find Buddhism and the 12 Step program a good fit; they're complimentary. And once you recover, your job is then to make yourself useful to other alkies/addicts and assist them to recover. And AA/NA is a great place to practise compassion, love, tolerance, etc. Helping others helps us; that's a spiritual truth.
You will find both NA and AA in Thailand I'm sure; why not give them a try?
Keep safe,
Tosh
For me, my alcoholic way of life was the 'normal life'; I just couldn't see a way of existing without being able to get some relief from drinking.
Unfortunately, she was right; I was indeed an alcoholic. And alcoholism and addiction problems never get better by themselves; it's a progressive illness and incrementally - almost imperceptibly - it will drag you lower and lower. And like all illnesses, for some that happens quicker than others.
I tried the medical profession for help; but that didn't work for me; neither did an alcohol councillor; I still drank.
I hope you do try AA or NA. You'll also find recovery forums on the interweb, why not try one of those? I ended up in AA after 'speaking' to someone from a recovery forum.
My problem is not the substance, but the problem, not the same as the posters here. I think I know what problem or problem that exists, it is deep rooted back tomy childhood, then there are other things that have happened. If I followed the dharma properly I would not be in this situation.
I have had a major moood swing today in fact lol, I feel depressed yet have have taken 90 Mg of valium.
I may taper and just go to a monetary and stay there for a few weeks or longer in thailand or malaysia.
Anyway, thanks for people, advice acknowledged
It reminds me of the Buddha's two arrow story; you need help with the first arrow - your current situation - anything else is the second arrow.
And tapering off is pretty naff too; you just taper back on! Try and see; though I strongly suspect that this is your experience of tapering off already.
Listen, once you've had a big enough beating from your addiction; when you're wanting to die, considering suicide, and lost everything; please remember that NA/AA is there for you.
It's just unfortunate that for most of us poor sods, that it takes a lot of pain, agony, and torment before we're willing to go to our first meeting. But I promise you, there's a real solution there, with depth and weight.
Keep safe.
I
DO
NOT
CARE!
Now, can you give up ALL of your attachments?
I can't!
If Tom is an addict and won't seek help now, he will hopefully follow my own path, and that's reach his absolute rock bottom, and then look for help.
But for some unfortunates, their rock bottom is 'six-foot-under'.
I think it's one of those things you really need to work through, get past, face once and for all until you really can step past it into a more meaningful life. (Rather than step away from it, into the cocoon...) I very recently got this book from the library called Feeding Your Demons. It's gives a practice where you manifest your demons right in front of you, (like the demon of anxiety,) and then offer your body to it as food. I haven't been trying it very long so I can't much attest to it working, but I really think it's a great idea. Maybe you want to try it? The practice is called Chod. With two little dots over the o.
I just watched Groundhog Day yesterday, you know, the movie with Bill Murray. At one point he says something like, "I once had this great day on the beach, sipping pina colatas and had sex with this beautiful woman at night. THAT was a pretty good day. Why can't I live THAT day over and over again?" Well, it's not going to teach you anything. Got to stick it out and fight through until we learn our lessons. I hope you know you're only postponing your lesson, right now. Which is fine--it's your choice. It's just pretty pointless in the end, and a waste of time. But trust me, I know how hard it is... Best of luck to you and take care.
*
seeker242seeker242 December 21 QuoteFlag
ThailandTom said:
thanks seeker, i will keep it in mind
I
DO
NOT
CARE!
So then why do you keep asking for advice if you don't care? Seems kinda pointless. Why did you even make this post to begin with?.
Maybe I do care, but when I am on valium I just don; think, so I don't care all that much. The ball is rolling now, just like when the buddha started the dharma wheel rolling he knew it would continue to roll for many years to come.
There are so many combining factors to why I am doing all of this, so many, but they stay with me and I will block them out. Like I have said, I have tried meditation for many months, I have seen a use of it but it doesn't help here, loving kindness, compassion and generosity is something I give daily anyway, I try be mindful of kamma and yes well.
tootles all
:wow:
I hope you find your bottom sooner rather than later Tom. When the time comes I hope you will be smart and taper off. Make sure you don't stop cold turkey as you will have seizures and die. I've been through a lot of bad stuff in life but, never anything as bad as stopping benzos cold turkey.
My heart goes out to you and just know that I was able to get off them and fully recover and get level. I wont lie though it took me about 3 years before I stopped having massive panic attacks and to start getting my head together. You have a long road ahead of you, I only used them for 4 months before I quit. Everyone is different and I hope you are able to find an easier time than I did.
If the authorities lock you up or you can no longer purchase them you will have seizures and you'll think all the bad experiences in your life before were comparable to Disney land. Make sure you don't run out before you can taper off!!!
I know of benzos, I have abused before but not to this extent. We shall see what happens eh
Go to NA, friend; they've got the experience, and know the correct medicine to give you.
Keep safe.
That is a very short time period
I'm pretty sure you would not regret it. :-)
I understand it does not matter where the arrow has come from, but it id there. Sincerely, when this is over, I am turning to the monk way of life, I have considered it for more than a year.
And seeker24, many months = nearly 2 years, maybe still not enough???
No moe indulgence! Especially on dat mind bendin sheet know wat im sayin?!!!
In AA they don't bother with the 'Why am I an alcoholic?' problem; they just deal with the solution to alcoholism. I mean does it matter why I'm an alcoholic if I have a solution to my problem? Maybe the knowledge of why I'm an alkie would just confuse me and serve no real use? Maybe it would create further problems for me?
I also suspect you're talking about 'triggers', where I am talking about 'I'm an alkie because my Mother potty trained me the wrong way' or something. Well, when you're an addict/alkie, just being conscious is a 'trigger'. It's a tough one to avoid that one. I know a guy who've solved this problem by going down the suicide route.
As for someone suggesting to get back on the wagon after Christmas, well, I've heard that so many times it makes me smile. 'After Christmas' usually means around the following August, but then next Christmas is only four months away, so what the heck...
Thanks for the advice though and I am glad to hear you are through your alcoholism, if if I misread and you haven't then I help you really do, I guess I am an alcoholic as well as addicted to valium as I do both every day.
Tkae care sangha, tham jai sa bai (relax)
I don't mean to be a pain in the ass, but I'd just like to share my experience of tapering off. And I have tapered off many times, and I just ended up tapering back on and giving up, going back to my old routines, and then when it got bad enough, trying to taper off again, with exactly the same results.
However, I found that when I started going to AA and tapering off at the same time, I managed to stop and stay stopped (staying stopped is the tricky thing). You can get a lot of strength, support, tips, help, and encouragement from an AA group. These are people who've been in exactly EXACTLY the same position as yourself; they know the score better than anyone whose just studied the issues concerned; because they have experience.
And Tom, AA is a Worldwide organisation with millions of members everywhere.
Here is a link to Thailand AA; I hope there's a meeting near you, and I hope you try one. AA saved my life.
http://www.aathailand.org/
(All AA meetings in Thailand are in English except where noted.)
And AA is perfectly compatible with Buddhism; it's program is wide and roomy enough to accept any spiritual beliefs.
Here's a 12 Step Buddhist Book (AA has a 12 Step program):
http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-12-Step-Buddhist/dp/B003YCQ2S0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1293703543&sr=8-2
And well done for trying to taper off the valium. However, I've heard that many people find that when they try to cut out the drugs, the alcohol intake increases to compensate, and alcohol can be worse than many illegal drugs. I know a recovered heroin addict, she'd taken heroin for many years, decided to stop (which is a horrendous withdrawal process), but her alcoholism kicked in and within three months she told me she was 'on her knees', where-as she'd been able to function with the heroin.
Keep safe!
I look upon my alcoholism, despite the destruction of my past, as a gift.