Does Buddhism have a say on BETRAYEL

JohnnyB

The past year...ive been having some very very difficult times witht my friends..Ive changed..im not the party-drugged guy anymore. Its time to get my life togther. Unfortunalty they cant see and accept that. So lately I've been going through some hard times..ive told them that its nothing personal.

Anyway I only have 2 friends left...but today i have foiund out. they are liars and messagers for their others...this hrut me very bad and im devistated....completely devistaed

Jason

JohnnyB,

While I'm sure that I can dig through and find many Sutta quotes that can offer some wisdom, this time I thought I would just offer my advice. This is just as complicated as any other problem or arising mental state to deal with. There are many causes and conditoins which go into every moment of being. In your case, I think that you need to focus on what is more beneficial to your overall well-being. If you see that it is unskillful to use drugs, and wish to find a new way of life - you should. Do not worry about what others might say because they are only speaking (most often at least) from their own greed, hatred, and delusion. They simply just do not understand.

It can be hard when you make up your mind to do something differently. Many people will want to criticize you, or question you, or discourage you from your descisions. If they do (and they will) you must learn how to forgive them. I have had similar difficulties in my own life. Each step in your life can be hard, but with wisdom they can bring freedom. It is all in the way you relate to them. I have given up drugs, smoking, and am currently flirting with vegaterianism. I have lost many friends and received much criticism throughout my life, but I am a much happier and freer person regardless. When you decide to do something in your life that goes against the norm you can gain great spiritual strength from that decision.

You can look at it in two ways. The first is that these poor people are suffering, and slaves to their own greed, hatred, and delusion. When they say something mean, it isn't really them. It is their unwholesome mental states which conditions there unwholesome speech. They are just being strung about life by their desires. This will help you see them in a whole new light, in the light if compassion. The second is that if you harbor any ill-will towards them you are only hurting yourself. This ill-will is not good for your happiness, or theirs. It just helps to bring negative feelings and choices into your life, choices which could cause harm (physical or mental) to others. Your choices will be out of aversion, and not wisdom, because your negative mind states will be conditioning them.

What Buddhism says is, "Learn from this, and then let it go."

...

Ok I can't help it, here's the quote, some added good advice from the Dhammapada:

"If for company you find a wise and prudent friend who leads a good life, you should, overcoming all impediments, keep his company joyously and mindfully.

If for company you cannot find a wise and prudent friend who leads a good life, then, like a king who leaves behind a conquered kingdom, or like a lone elephant in the elephant forest, you should go your way alone.

Better it is to live alone; there is no fellowship with a fool. Live alone and do no evil; be carefree like an elephant in the elephant forest." - Dhp XXIII: Nagavagga 328-330



Jason

Windwalker

I'm sorry to say this but anyone who can't respect you for who you are and tries to prevent you from being the best you can, is not your friend. Real friends will always support and encourage you. You have made a choice to change your life for the better and they are the only ones that lose by it.

Simonthepilgrim

It can be very hard for our friends when we change our lives. We challenge them in their own position, whether we want to or not.

Palzang

I agree, Simon. Being betrayed by someone you trusted as a friend is never easy. However, it is a good lesson. The lesson is: there is no refuge in samsara. Leaving the party, as you put it, is part of this realization. Finding out that there is no one in samsara you can really trust is another part. Not an easy lesson to learn, or to live through, but a necessary one, unfortunately. Simply know that you're not alone in this realization, and yeah, it still hurts to know that.

Palzang

Simonthepilgrim

Palzang wrote:

I agree, Simon. Being betrayed by someone you trusted as a friend is never easy. However, it is a good lesson. The lesson is: there is no refuge in samsara. Leaving the party, as you put it, is part of this realization. Finding out that there is no one in samsara you can really trust is another part. Not an easy lesson to learn, or to live through, but a necessary one, unfortunately. Simply know that you're not alone in this realization, and yeah, it still hurts to know that.

Palzang

I hear your pain, too, Brother Palzang. And I have a personal view on this very point.

Forgive me if it is an "off-the-wall" take on Tibetan Buddhism: it comes out of love, reverence and a warped mind!

From one point of view, Tibetan culture can be seen as an engine to produce tulkus. Over many births, these teachers come to fulfill and symbolise the human need for an anam cara ('soul friend' in Gaelic). The total trust required of the student for the teacher, so alien a concept to the Western mind, is another symbol of true Refuge.

In the Christian monastic tradition, as I have mentioned before, friendship is seen as fundamental to community. Aelred of Rievaulx writes most eloquently on the subject. What many of those who criticise the choice of monastic life do not understand is that it is a supremely difficult exercise in friendship.

Palzang

Well put, Simon, though Aelred of Rievaulx sounds like an exotic French wine!

Taking refuge in a teacher is definitely a leap, one that many people are simply not willing to take. It is putting one's trust completely in the hands of a fellow human being, and that can be extraordinarily threatening to ego.

Palzang

JohnnyB

Everytime i come here i feel so much better

Simonthepilgrim

JohnnyB wrote:

Everytime i come here i feel so much better

That is a blessing on all of us, Johnny. Thank you.

comicallyinsane

I used to have those kinds of "friends". Of course I wasn't the party guy. I was always the non party guy so they only hung out with me once in a while. After all that I started making frineds that were real. Stay on your clean path and the good friends will show up before you know it.

dawnmike_239

Dawn and I have also lost friends because of our lifestyle changes. Partly because of our new found thoughts and concepts in Buddhism, and partly because of our new responsibilities as parents. We are not the party couple we where at one time! It was and continues to be a hard adjustment for both of us! We have found that that our friend’s acceptance (or lack of) is not required for us to accept them for who they are! Perhaps the new found awareness we find within can serve as a candle of awareness for others! The fact that you have changed for the better means that all things (including our friends) have changed as well! I would suggest that you treat your friends no differently than you ever have. There is a Taoist saying that goes something like so…
“Treat those who are perceived as good with goodness, thus greater good is done. Treat those who are perceived as bad with goodness, thus greater good is done.”- Lao Tsu
That is my two pennies anyway!
Mike

JohnnyB

I wrote a blog about it on my myspace...and my real friends commented it and showed their love and support.

and i thank you all for making me feel better...because i thought that friends were my life...but it turns out to be it has to be 2nd or 3rd