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Bhuddist view on my relationship problem please
Hi
I am new on here.I hope you dont mind me writing on here.I have practicing Bhuddism on and of for 9years now.I consider myself quite a spiritual person.
I would love others view on my relationship situation.
I have been with my boyfriend 4 years,we live together.
He is a recovering alcoholic sober for 3 years.He deals with this by not socialising much.I have asked him to go to councelling about this but to no avail.I really miss going out with friends.
Recently he has took on a job which he didnt get paid for the last year after his buisness failed.
I get very frustrated as i think he was crazy to continue after not being properly paid and should have quit/
My buisness has struggled a little lately too but i always bring home enough to feed us and live etc.
It has got to the point where he lost his car,and now the house is soon to be repossessed,it is in his name.
I have my own home which i had when we met which i could live in but if he moves in with me we will run up debt again.I have never experianced debt before we lived together.
He was in debt when we met but had a very well paid job.
I dont know if i can continue being with someone who seems to hide from problems.
I did love him but i am beginning to think he wants differant life from me.I think if i was alone and free of stress i could really get my buisness off the ground.
I would love a spiritual point of view from some one.I also have developed feelings for a friend of mine which i didnt plan.
So confused but if this relationship was right would i be thinking of someone else?
Please give me your opions as i dont want do anything i may later regret.Xmas with a home repossessed isnt going to be much fun.Many thanks Lilly
I am new on here.I hope you dont mind me writing on here.I have practicing Bhuddism on and of for 9years now.I consider myself quite a spiritual person.
I would love others view on my relationship situation.
I have been with my boyfriend 4 years,we live together.
He is a recovering alcoholic sober for 3 years.He deals with this by not socialising much.I have asked him to go to councelling about this but to no avail.I really miss going out with friends.
Recently he has took on a job which he didnt get paid for the last year after his buisness failed.
I get very frustrated as i think he was crazy to continue after not being properly paid and should have quit/
My buisness has struggled a little lately too but i always bring home enough to feed us and live etc.
It has got to the point where he lost his car,and now the house is soon to be repossessed,it is in his name.
I have my own home which i had when we met which i could live in but if he moves in with me we will run up debt again.I have never experianced debt before we lived together.
He was in debt when we met but had a very well paid job.
I dont know if i can continue being with someone who seems to hide from problems.
I did love him but i am beginning to think he wants differant life from me.I think if i was alone and free of stress i could really get my buisness off the ground.
I would love a spiritual point of view from some one.I also have developed feelings for a friend of mine which i didnt plan.
So confused but if this relationship was right would i be thinking of someone else?
Please give me your opions as i dont want do anything i may later regret.Xmas with a home repossessed isnt going to be much fun.Many thanks Lilly
0
Comments
Many Thanks Lilly
- you're unsure you can live in this situation
- "i did love him but..."
I am certainly in no position to offer much advice; just a traveler on my own path. But your uncertainty about the situation, and your statement that you might not love this individual any longer tells me you need to extract yourself from this very negative situation. You seem to be on a very destructive path.
Some recovering folk are comfortable being around people who use alcohol; others just can not handle it. This is totally on him (not you). If you are willing (still love him) all you can do is offer support. Any and all actions are his responsibility.
If he does not see the need for change, or is unwilling to do so, then perhaps it's time for you to move on with your life. After all, your life is the only thing you really have control of.
Be well ॐ
I think from a Buddhist point of view, you would need to ask yourself if you are remaining in this relationship out of a sense of attachment, avoidance of the pain of breakup, and any other reason other than positive regard and love for this man and legitimate hope for a reasonably productive future. But you say that you are already developing feelings for a friend- you might ask yourself if those feelings are reality-based or just fantasy or conjecture on your part.
IMO, the Buddhist approach would be the one of the least harm. If there is necessary harm, such as a breakup now, to prevent a worse harm, such as a more painful and contentious breakup later, maybe it's best to just stop all this hurting and confusion.
It's hard to separate attachment from true love when you're in the middle of it. If you can hold out genuine hope for a loving relationship with this man under the present circumstances, then that might give you a reason to stay.
I don't know that there's a particularly Buddhist or spiritual approach to be applied here. I do know that often fears of pain keep us in unproductive relationships, and that that is a form of attachment rather than love for the sake of love.
Again, I think these questions are usually best approached from the real, mundane practicalities of the situation, and that they usually just need to be addressed that way.
What is the best course for your own optimal spiritual development? Sometimes we have to admit that one phase of our lives is over in order to move on to the next phase and continue growing.
I was realizing what you meant it just took me a bit of time lol.
I think i am feeling so guilty about leaving but if i am to do least harm then i think it would be better for both of us.I dont like feeling angry and sad all the time .
I am afriad to be alone but yes that is attachment and nothing lasts forever ever.
I was actually going to go my bhuddist center and ask one of the speakers there but i felt a bit silly.
I think this forum is great thankyou very much for your wisdom and kind words
Thereafter, the ultimate choice is yours alone.
Doesn't change the story with your bf, though. You shouldn't settle for a relationship which makes you unhappy and disorders your life.
And you could, I'm sure - if only he'd play ball.
And the frustrating part is that - he won't.
You know why?
Because effectively, he doesn't need to.
You're doing all the fixing, so what's the point in him making the effort?
You're doing great for the both of you.
Do you believe that if you quit this he will fall apart? is that your fear?
That if you (are perceived to) abandon him, he won't make it without your support?
What is your "payoff"?
What is it that "rewards" your sense of Love, of propriety, of decency?
What is it in the relationship that feeds your satisfaction in staying?
And really - is it enough?
Well i have taken time to reflect on these answers and i can see there are things to be taken from all them.
Bonsai Doug ,thankyou i think i will talk to them more at the center.
Five bells ,that is helpful info it may be that it takes a long time for that to all go through so a bit less pressure on us.
And Federica i think i will back off a bit,you are right.I suppose its like yesterday i bought some tea for us both.Maybe if i didnt always buy for him he would be forced to get money else where.The problem is when we first met he bought me lots of presents and helped ,me out and i know hed do the same.But its been a year now so somethings got to change.
But what iv realized mostly from all this is that we cant change others only ourselves.
How is it things we already know we sometimes forget.
Attachment , i am attatched to the relationship working out.
Im attached to being married and having kids by 36 or to having kids at all.
I cant force these things to happen.I see my younger sister whos life has gone text book.Relationship for 8 years ,married baby due in Jan and i wish mine was like that sometimes.
But maybe my life will be just as happy just differant.
Whenever my life goes haywire i always come back to Bhuddism and its the only thing which makes sense and helps my life to go more smoothly.
And since iv decided to stop trying to control the situation i feel such a huge sense of relief and peace.
I am going to start flaty hunting and see what happens who knows when i let go he might change then but either way i am going to relax with it all a bit more ,what will be,will be!
So thank you for all your answers i know they all are inside me as well.
On a practical level, you're actually in a better situation than your sister. We are headed for a time of great instability and poverty, not a good time to be raising a family.
From the point of view of a "Buddhist perspective" however, it is always important to keep in mind the first of the four noble truths. And not to expect that all of life's suffering will be resolved with the removal of one seeming cause of suffering, in the end all suffering, and all happiness, originates from within oneself.