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How do Buddhists deal with grief and loss?

TomboTombo
edited December 2010 in Buddhism Basics
This may be a very basic question,but...

I've lost a lot this year,and probably like a lot of people who come to Buddhism,I'd like to be able to cope with loss...and with life's curveballs generally...a lot better than I have done.

One thing I've gleaned is to look at crisis,change and loss as an opportunity to change. But it's hard to deal with the emotional fallout that such adverse change brings.

Any thoughts? Thank you!

Tom x

Comments

  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited December 2010
    Try to stay in contact with other people and if possible share some of your emotions with them.
  • CloudCloud Veteran
    edited December 2010
    If you accept death within yourself, as that you too will die, the loss will be less painful. To the extent that we accept our own mortality we find freedom from death. My grandfather passed away last year and this helped me to understand impermanence, and since then others have passed away also but the pain diminishes more and more as time goes on and I remain with my practice.

    Namaste
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited December 2010
    Tombo, for an account of a direct and hands-on experience, might I direct you to this thread?
  • TomboTombo
    edited December 2010
    Thank you,guys.
    This wasn't a loss through death (thank God) but a loss of status/reputation,together with the loss (and betrayal) of a love relationship that meant a lot to me.

    I'm finding it hard to find compassion for the person who caused all of this,though I can understand the benefits of doing just that...

    Am I being thick? ;-)

    Tom x
  • TomboTombo
    edited December 2010
    Oh,and thanks,federica...a very moving and thoughtful thread...I suppose the same notions of attachment/detachment apply in any case of loss.

    Tom x
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited December 2010
    I would say that's exactly right.

    I think many people confuse compassion with having to like someone.

    Let me put it this way:
    If the person who you feel "caused all this", was in an accident, and you could witness it and help - would you?

    Bear in mind, you feel resentment and anger at the person's actions.
    Is this anger and resentment enough to stop you helping them?

    I would hope not.

    Simply because you don't like someone, it doesn't mean compassion should be difficult.
    Remember that emotions and sentiments are all mind-made.
    Emotions are not who you are.
    Or who anybody IS, for that matter.....
    A human being is a human being, whatever else might be going on.
  • FoibleFullFoibleFull Canada Veteran
    edited December 2010
    Tombo wrote: »
    This may be a very basic question,but...

    I've lost a lot this year,and probably like a lot of people who come to Buddhism,I'd like to be able to cope with loss...and with life's curveballs generally...a lot better than I have done.

    One thing I've gleaned is to look at crisis,change and loss as an opportunity to change. But it's hard to deal with the emotional fallout that such adverse change brings.

    Any thoughts? Thank you!

    Tom x

    I would recommend you to the teachings of Pema Chodron ... some are on You Tube, some are in book form, some are available as audio teachings on the net. I am thinking particular, of the teaching unit called "When Things Fall Apart", but all of her teachings fall into one basic theme: when we feel attachment and aversion, note it, acknowledge it, and then allow it to be there ... we don't really have to do anything with it, actually. As a matter of fact, the greater part of our discomfort comes for the feeling that we have to "fix" our unpleasant feelings. Sounds easy. It's not. But is IS definitely do-able with practice.
  • TomboTombo
    edited December 2010
    Thank you all. ;-)

    Tom x
  • FoibleFullFoibleFull Canada Veteran
    You open up to it and allow the feelings to be there. Fighting the feelings only makes them more painful.

    At the same time, you don't dwell on them .. that only strengthens the habit of grieving.

    Use your Buddhist knowledge. Feed that into your brain when you notice the grieving. Remember that the First Noble Truth tells us that suffering is an inescapable part of living. Remember that everything is impermanent. Remember that our thoughts and emotions are really only habits, imprints, karmas. Remember your breath. Remember that stillness you find in meditation ... your true nature is that stillness. Remember to "see all phenomena as being like a dream".
  • DakiniDakini Veteran
    Yes, what FoibleFull said. One allows oneself to experience the sense of loss, giving oneself time to process it. But clinging to resentment or grief is not healthy. Nor is bottling up the feelings, due to a belief that experiencing negative emotions is "bad". It's normal to have an emotional reaction to loss or betrayal. We are human. Time heals all wounds. : )
  • TomboTombo
    Thank you. I hope so.
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