Dealing with the past.

Bodhgaya

Namaste. :cool:

I was not the nicest person in junior high- but when I got into Highschool, I changed instantly. But that changed just before my third year.
I had friends and it was nice, until one of them started in on saying some pretty unkind things to others, and they believed what they said. Then on I kind of let go of that kindness and ability to be close because it happened. Afterwards, the person again said she had told many other things, and it lead to her having cancer.
Everyone believed she had it, it seems, except me, and I was condemned for it. Brutally. In the end, it turned out she had lied about most everything.
My 'friends' even said they valued her more, and it was saddening.

Through it, I know it wasn't a great time, but I learned to not be attached to people, because they could up and leave for someone they find more suitable.

With this, my question is, how do you deal with things like this when you're casted out and hated, and how do you move on and keep that happiness, and treat those people still so.... wonderfully?
I want to, but I still feel that sickness, but it's not a significant amount like it was.

Any help, thank you. Metta.

Mountains

Nothing says you have to be best friends with people who treat you badly. Having compassion for them isn't the same thing as sitting down over a meal with them. People who treat others badly are the ones with the problem, not the person being treated badly. The only thing you have control over is you, so simply bless them on their way and move on. You can't change them, nor should you try to.

Epicurus

Yeah compassion doesn't mean you need to be friends with them. Otherwise no one could be compassionate unless we were friends with everybody.

The lesson you should have gotten from that story, if I were in your shoes that is, isn't a generic all-encompassing generalization like "I learned to not be attached to people, because they could up and leave for someone they find more suitable." because it's more likely that that was merely in response with the experiences you had with those people.

I think the lesson you can get from it is that to be close and for there to be trust between people, you should feel like they are your equals. That means they respect you and you respect them. The Buddha would advise to stay away from fools, but not from "nice/wise people" (whatever that means to you).

naturelover

Bodhgaya wrote: »

Namaste. :cool:

Through it, I know it wasn't a great time, but I learned to not be attached to people, because they could up and leave for someone they find more suitable.

What you describe here is an aspect of suffering. We can no more avoid caring about others than we can avoid the suffering that follows if they leave for whatever reason. Sometimes it's a good reason. They may move far away for example.

The Buddha says suffering arises. There is no way to avoid it. And you miss out on so much if you don't have good friends. Just remember that suffering also ceases. If we note that we are suffering and try to understand why, we have accomplished the first step toward not suffering. Then it's a matter of noting when we are not suffering from this particular situation. It will happen because we think less about it during meditation. It will also happen in the normal course of things. when we are focusing on something else. I think the Buddha was very wise to call us to focus on the times of peace rather than burrowing into our suffering thereby making it worse.

Also you might want to consider that we are called to mindfulness. Mindfulness of the present moment. Because nothing else exists. The past is gone, and the future has not yet arrived.

Finally I've noticed in myself that focusing on trying to remedy bad situations is another ego-centric exercise. My ego thinks "I' should make things better. Sometimes that easily done. But if not, it's better to let it go.

Bodhgaya

You are correct to me.
By letting it burrow into my mind, I let it negativly affect me.
Nostaliga is nice when it's about good times. Move on, let bygones be bygones, because there's no undoing the past and no planning for the future. So, forgive and forget, aye?

Mountains

Pretty much. That about sums it up. As HHDL has said, if it's something you can't do anything about, why worry about it? And if it *is* something you can do something about, why worry about it?

Bodhgaya

If you can do something, then do it
?