why..

ThailandTom

Why do you anticipate that I feel somewhat negative that a variety of people are going out of their way to help me so much.

Now I am more social, that I have opened up, a variety of people do many things for me when I insist then do not have to and of course thank them greatly. I am generous back, I guess it is just loving kindness and or kamma at work, BUT I seem to feel bad now that these people are running around doing these things merrily for me....

Why I ask you people?

Cloud

Maybe deep down you feel that you haven't become this "better person" that everyone should be helping; that it's just the drugs making you more social, and you don't feel that you deserve it. That's one possible explanation. Of course people are going to react to your speech and actions, not to what's inside (which is why beliefs have such little weight over deeds).

Namaste

Jeffrey

I think its guilt. I am concerned you are going to run into a big time hang over from this. Eventually the drugs will stop working even at this high dose. Hate to be a killjoy but with this type of drug that happens. Then when you go off you deal with a lot of paranoia as a withdrawal.

Just wanted to give you a heads up!

I don't agree that you don't deserve people helping you. Not because of the drugs.

Cloud

btw if it was taken that I meant he didn't deserve help, that's not what I meant or believe

andyrobyn

It doesn't read that way to me Cloud ... and the arm chair psychologist in me ( ) agrees that it may be driven by guilt related to the drug use that Tom has shared with us about - in any event, Tom having told us about it and then asking this question lends support to my desire to, as a mental health nurse, also warn of the dangers of ongoing use of benzodiazepines .... Lorazepam is particularly addictive in it's potential due to it's quick acting and short lasting capacities, making the tendency to need to take more and more in an attempt to try achieve the desired affect as was perceived when first starting using it.

ThailandTom

thanks guys, today i hit a low a stupid jealous paranoid moment and i just wen out and bought 200mg dizipam and some beer. I don't know, I don't know. I saw my friend go into train wreck quick time, I guess I could too, or just slowly lower doses.
i wasn't a bad prson before the benzos, still kind and generous, so my deeds and actions ae the same, i just feel that maybe I d not deserve this amount of attention and help you know

SherabDorje

You deserve the attention and help just because you're a human being. If others are glad to help, so be it.

I just point out that you now have opinions from three nurses.

Benzos and beer doesn't sound like a very good idea.

ThailandTom

im thinking benzos and weed for a while maybe now i can get some in thailand. i hit a low yesterday, but am ok now, took something like 100mg val and 3 beers, i dunno i was a mess.
but yea, all humans do deserve compassion, we act under delusion and ignorance so suffer stuck in samsara. thats life though hey

I think I feel bad because of the culture difference maybe.. The thais are so helpful and these in particular with no desire for gain in retrun

SherabDorje

im thinking benzos and weed for a while maybe now i can get some in thailand. i hit a low yesterday, but am ok now, took something like 100mg val and 3 beers, i dunno i was a mess.

Tom- I would not have brought it up again if you hadn't, but... I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here about benzos. I would also be concerned about the consequences of being arrested with weed in Thailand, though I don't know if that's a thought that has any consequences there or not. You might get arrested for weed just because you don't look like everybody else there, but I've never been to Thailand so I just don't know. I do hope you will consider the advice you've gotten here about how dangerous and possibly fatal what you're doing can be and do something about it. I don't know what else to say so I have to leave it there. What you're doing is very dangerous. I wish you well.

ThailandTom

thank you and I will also stop speaking about it with you, I may continue to post in the thread if people so wish to converse, but if you wish to be silent then sure, I understand.
I understand how dangerous it is and I am NOW lowering my doses each day, well every day or so, tapering myself down. I would still like to say take maybe 20 mg valium a day to be social, to counteract my anxiety to keep my life bright and with a degree of prospect. The past few months have been so bad the dharma could not have helped, or maybe it could have done. It has helped with many thins, but this one attachment that ruined my life alongside an anxiety. I understand to cover it up is not the answer, but right now, meh! I do not care. its ok.

Please do not worry, You are a good person obviously, also with medical training and I am okay, seriously. All of my thai friends are so understanding I am in good hands.

The weed, If I get caught I will probably have to pay a hefty fine, the chances of getting caught are very minimal, but there the same. I am not stupid lol, please do not think this, just troubled and misguided.

Thank you, hope we can still talk on this forum, but obviously not of thi topic as you wish, take care, Tom

Mountains

Tom, "being social" has *nothing* whatsoever to do with drugs. You're using it as a crutch to convince yourself of something. I'm 100% positive I'm not going to talk you out of anything you don't want to be talked out of, but just so you know, it's not normal for a human being to have to take drugs to be social. You *are* doing harm to your body whether you choose to admit it or not, and that's very un-Buddhist at its core. Very unskillful. You can protest all you want about how 'okay' you are, but the fact of the matter is, you're not. You can't take what you're taking and be 'okay'. Not possible. You're going to have to admit to yourself that you have a serious problem, and then choose to do something about it rather than just taking a little less or telling everybody how it's fine.

Not sure how you ended up alone (?) and in Thailand in the first place, but it sounds to me like a change of scenery/circumstances is in order for you - before you get sent home in a box. I hate to be so blunt, but that's what's in store my friend...

Please take care...

Jeffrey

Tom I think its great the feeling of connectedness you are feeling. As if you have arrived. But there are a lot of us who feel that way at times. I think the people with experience seeing a lot of cases have spoken too.

ThailandTom

Oh I know I have a problem, who does not have a problem or problems... lol. I am also aware it is very unskillful to cover up such a problem or problems with a substance, but right in this moment in time I have lost the dharma in this sense.

I think I am too much of a coward to confront my problems at core, they have been there since I was maybe 10 years of age when I first began to get hypochondria, then later in life anxiety.
The alone part, I have had what I would call 3 profound relationships and friends throughout my life, so I have not exactly been totally alone. I just cling to my last relationship that spanned 3 years and now take valium to literally not think, to be social, to do whatever. I hva TRIED to be compassionate without drugs for 2 years, I have meditated, I have followed the 8 fold path as much as I can, but still suffering. Now, I am not suffering obviously because I am on benzos, but yes the problem is there. I shall have to confront it one day I guess, I do not even know what the core problem actually is, it is just something very dark and destructive.


Meh, lets see what tommorow holds I will not go back to England in a box, I am lowering my dosage, and thanks for the advice and care people, sincerely thank you, Tom