lost confidence

gracelee

hello everyone

I used to be a confident and social, I considered myself attractive and useed to really enjoy social interaction. I would go out most weekends and found it quite easy to make new friends...
then I gave up smoking and put on 2 stone, I got very depressed and lost all my confidence, I gradually stopped going out because i felt ashamed and stopped contacting all but a few friends. I havent made any new friends since despite starting a college course, i stopped smoking two years ago now and have got my weight under control but although I'am healthier which i appriciate I miss my confidence.

on the one hand i know that i need to accept myself as i am now and actually dont enjoy Drinking alchahol anymore so i wouldnt be able to go back to that but on the other i really miss feeling good about myself, not being ashamed of myself and being social

thanks for and help in advance... i think i just needed to vent

Metta

Lostie

Well as what they say: Form is temporary, Class is permanent.

You will not lose what's inherently good in you.

Roger

I'm taking a total shot in the dark here, just saying what worked for me for getting back on track: the 5-HTP form of Tryptophan. 30 days and done (seriously -not a long term thing). Felt better. Positive thinking made obvious sense. Got out of a blues rut. Google it. It must be the "5-HTP" stuff. Regular Tryptophan is quite different. Good luck! We're wishing you well.

Epicurus

Why are you ashamed of yourself? What is there to be ashamed of?

gracelee

thanks guys
I don't really want to take medication but thanks Roger.
Epicurus... I used to be very out going and funny ,would talk to anyone. i felt that i looked good and i had a good sense of style since my depression i have had bad skin outbreaks aswell as putting on alot of weight I find it difficult to talk to people now. i feel like people are always comparing me to the way I was

[DeletedUser]

It was because you were subconsciously reminding people your past, and dislike the present, in your mind.

compassionate_warrior

Didn't you say you'd gotten your weight under control? So it's not "a lot" of weight anymore? And Roger raised a good point (5-HTP isn't medication, it's a nutritional supplement, BTW): there may be a hormonal component involved. (5-HTP is a precursor to serotonin, which can decline in women as they age. Men also go through subtle hormonal changes.) We don't know what time period is covered by your narrative, nor do we know how old you are (not that we need to know). But there could be a biological basis for your mood change. Check it out with your doctor. The skin outbreaks can be indicative of hormonal changes as well. Have your sleep patterns changed?

Rmurray1985

You know... I can quite sympathize with your situation.

I had god-awful acne as a teenager, and now my face is rather plagued with scars and pockmarks, also a few slash scars. (in fact my whole body is riddled with scars of all kinds from being an "extreme" kind of kid and a bit of a scrapper)This brought me a lot of suffering, loneliness, depression, even a point of suicidal tendencies...

But you know... As a Buddhist, what brought me final comfort in being who I am is realizing that I must have been quite a superficial person in a previous life to have this happen... Remember, karma...

Ultimately, what has given me the greatest confidence in being who I am and what I stand for is in the development of bodhicitta. My confidence grows more and more as I become more and more skilled in showing compassion to all sentient beings. The more I exhume bodhicitta the more confidence I have, and the more people respond to it. It's quite a wonderful thing. (I'll spare you the ultimate goal speech)

... I can't really give you any practical advice, as everyone is different in their perception of the self. Also, I've never been "overweight". In fact it's the opposite; I can't gain weight. So I'm rather scrawny. But... For me, bodhicitta has given me so much confidence in myself. And, people really seem to respond to it.

I pray you find the most beneficial solution...

gracelee

thank you c_warrior I will do some research into the supplement and talk to my doctor.
I'm 26 and this all began two years ago when i gave up smoking (and replaced it with eating) i have got my weight under control as in i no longer overeat but i havent lost the weight.
Rmurray your post was really helpful, sometimes i get so wrapped up in my own suffering that i forget about others, i think i just needed reminding x
thanks everyone

Dakini

Gracelee, when I was your age I'd occasionally get depressed, and I found that exercising took care of it pretty efficiently. Just doing 10 minutes of push-ups and other exercises can help. It's a little-known fact that the extended Kennedy family suffered from recurring depression, and exercise is how they dealt with it (you're in good company . Exercise will help w/your weight issue, too. They say a daily walking regime of an hour or so can do wonders as well. How much is 2 stone, BTW?

Mountains

1 stone = 14 pounds (possibly related to 1 fortnight = 14 days???). Don't know when or why America stopped using stones as a unit of measure. I'm sure we must have used it back in our colonial days. I wish we had tossed the rest of the imperial measurement system out with the stones! Life would be much simpler without 11/64" bolts

Tombo

Hey there Gracelee,
I'm a newbie here so I might be wrong...but is this a case of 'This too shall pass'...I mean,the confidence you had,and the lack of confidence that you're experiencing now?
Maybe some of the more experienced people here can tell me!
I'm going through much of the same thing,but I know it won't last forever (I hope).
The advice given here is excellent,btw...I'll be using some of it myself. ;-)

Tom x

footiam

Grace Lee, if you have been confident before, you can be confident again.

karmadorje

You have developed some poor habits of thinking about yourself. You are punishing yourself by comparing your image of how you *think* you used to be with how you *think* you are now. NOBODY else spends their time doing that. Think about friends of yours-- when you are with them, what is your image of them? I would hazard a guess that it is the way that they are right now, unless you deliberately think about how they were a couple of years ago. That's the way the brain operates.

The sad thing is, most of us do what you are doing right now to some extent. I would strongly suggest that you do some practice of positive affirmation. It may sound silly, but it works: Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you like the way you look, like you would to a friend of yours. Tell yourself that you are proud that you quit smoking and lost weight. You won't believe it at first and it will be awkward, but it really will help if you keep repeating this to yourself on a daily basis. If the person you see in the mirror was another person, would you be as disparaging to them as you are to yourself right now? The truth of the matter is, we are much more kind to others than we are to ourselves. Spend some time being kind to yourself, being a real friend to yourself. Never forget that *you* are one of the sentient beings you are trying to help!

On the score of food supplements, if you are open to them, please research SAMe. I have found it an absolute godsend for many of my friends. While I don't have problems with depression, those of my friends that do swear by it. I take it daily and find that it makes my mood buoyant all the time. There is nothing psychoactive in it, it merely aids the methylation process. Anyone else who is reading this I would suggest looking into it as well. That and B vitamins are amazing companions to a meditation practice.

Wuji

I agree with karmadorje. I think much of people's problems can be solved by having compassion for ourselves. I didn't learn this until I was over 30 and had no idea what the person meant when he told me. I had never even considered that I was viewing myself without compassion. Awareness is the key to this. Being aware of the looking down on ourselves and not having compassion. Catching it before we allow ourselves to believe we have done something wrong. I try to refrain from getting too proud of myself though because I feel like I set myself up to let myself down later when I do that.

If a person is upset at how much they weigh then they're more likely to get upset or depressed and start eating or not exercising. By having compassion for yourself you're more likely to be in a better mood and not develop those bad (reinforcing) habits as easily. At least from my experience.

Taking good multi-vitamins made from vegetables (not the undissolvable plastic kind), sunlight, and exercise all helped me as well.

buddhajunkie

Keep in mind that smoking serves a purpose-- it keeps dopamine levels elevated. So the cessation of smoking may be directly causing your lost confidence (rather than the weight gain).

You may want to consider a drug like Wellbutrin, which is used to treat both smoking addiction and depression (and ADHD/OCD). It works by elevating and stabilizing dopamine levels.

However, weight gain could also be the culprit, especially if you are female and in a highly sexualized sub-culture like college.


Finally, what is your Buddhist practice like nowadays? Perhaps meditation of some type could help uproot the source of these negative feelings.?