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Supporting a needy child
Advice and considerations are asked for on a personal issue.
I have an adult child age 27 who, by his own life choices, cannot/will not sustain himself financially. He lives mostly by tips received as a street musician. He refuses to seek or hold a regular job. He is extremely intelligent and capable of doing whatever he sets himself to, but this is rarely an effort that produces adequate income. He may be disabled by attention deficit disorder to some degree. He is often homeless, living in friend's homes, or lately in the woods in an ill equipped, broken down camper. I am fairly sure he is not a hard core drug addict, but he is a pothead.
About twice a year he begs money from his parents, my spouse and me. It usually amounts to $500-$1000. It is always asked as a "loan" but the reality is it will never be repaid and is given as a gift. This is a sizable amount of money for us, as much as I bring home in a month of work. He always poses his need of the money to enable him to obtain or stay in housing. In one known instance the money sent to pay rent did not pay rent and was used for something unknown, possibly some or all drugs.
I have considerable confusion about this. It is very difficult to say no to one's child when his well being may depend on a gift, but I also feel taken advantage of by someone who is irresponsible for himself.
Your comments are appreciated.
I have an adult child age 27 who, by his own life choices, cannot/will not sustain himself financially. He lives mostly by tips received as a street musician. He refuses to seek or hold a regular job. He is extremely intelligent and capable of doing whatever he sets himself to, but this is rarely an effort that produces adequate income. He may be disabled by attention deficit disorder to some degree. He is often homeless, living in friend's homes, or lately in the woods in an ill equipped, broken down camper. I am fairly sure he is not a hard core drug addict, but he is a pothead.
About twice a year he begs money from his parents, my spouse and me. It usually amounts to $500-$1000. It is always asked as a "loan" but the reality is it will never be repaid and is given as a gift. This is a sizable amount of money for us, as much as I bring home in a month of work. He always poses his need of the money to enable him to obtain or stay in housing. In one known instance the money sent to pay rent did not pay rent and was used for something unknown, possibly some or all drugs.
I have considerable confusion about this. It is very difficult to say no to one's child when his well being may depend on a gift, but I also feel taken advantage of by someone who is irresponsible for himself.
Your comments are appreciated.
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Comments
What about sending a small portion as a "Christmas gift"?
May such compassion arise in our hearts! Compassion that is sublime nobility of heart and intellect which knows, understands and is ready to help.
Compassion that is strength and gives strength: this is highest compassion.
From this website:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanaponika/wheel006.html
Wise compassion is one that can discern the true need of another, and address it.
Idiot compassion addresses the first need it sees, which may not be the one that really needs addressing.
What you are giving your son, is Compassion, but it may not be the Compassion he truly needs.
You are functioning out of a state of pity, possibly even guilt....
But he has made his choices, thus you have to respect that.
However, he must learn that certain choices have certain consequences.
He cannot wilfully throw himself into a pit, then expect you to pull him out.
Again, and again, and again.
A Christmas gift, is yet another loan, by another name.
He'll probably want one at Easter, too.....
If you teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.
I don't know the specific dynamics of your relationship with your son, and I'm sure you just want to help him however you can, but sometimes the best help is to teach him how to help himself.
In regards to the Dharma, I feel that both Right Livelihood and Right Action apply to this situation. He refuses to maintain a reliable, honest, and effective means of livelihood in order to better himself and his community. Instead he is a drain on those who love him and lives in a cycle of poverty and discontent. Also, his use of drugs is irresponsible, self-destructive, and leads to the suffering of himself and others.
He sounds dishonest, lazy, and lost. In his ignorance he in causing himself and others undue stress, anxiety, unhappiness, and fret. I simply suggest that you withold financial support so that he is forced to provide that support for himself.
How did he get where he is today?
What did he learn growing up in terms of life habits?
Who is around him that is reinforcing his inertia?
What does he consider success in life?
What skills is he lacking to get there?
How important is your approval to him?
Have you been demonstrative enough of your own affection?
This is just a start, but enough of a list for you to get the gist. In short, you need to be able to see his situation from where he is sitting. You have to understand what really motivates him.
For me, I had a father that was absent and a mother that was completely self-absorbed. I was on my own in a hostile environment, growing up in a rural environment with a bunch of hicks. The need for peer approval and later affirming my worth in relationships with women were central motivators. Career success, university degrees, etc. were completely meaningless to me. Luckily, I found a guru that was like a father and mother to me that pulled me out of the self-destructive spiral.
Without understanding how his value system looks from his side, you won't be able to truly help him. Once you have some real understanding of where he is coming from, you have to convince him that he can trust you with his insecurities. If there are things in his early life that you think contributed to the way he is now that you can take responsibility for, do so. If there are things he is embarrassed about in your relationship (like asking for money), then discuss it in an understanding way. Then ask him about what he wants to do in the big picture. The thinking you have already done about his motivations and life thus far will help you to steer the conversation productively.
He needs to be put on a path to getting the skills he needs to get where he wants to go. When you discuss these things, help him to break things down in manageable chunks that he is confident he can handle. Make sure he knows that you are there for him. Also make sure he knows that it is really hard for you financially when you help him but you do it out of love.
I don't know him, but I do know that everyone in that situation who is intelligent knows that they are screwing up. If they are approached in a non-threatening way and given tangible, actionable responsibilities that take them where they want to go, they will respond very well to it. It will take time, energy and soul-searching on your part.
Best of luck with this.
I have contemplated living the life your Son is living, many times. Sometimes, it seems so much better, even with the down-sides (shelter, food, clothing) in order to be somewhat FREE and not be forced into the life everyone always told you that you had to have. And the problem, most of the time, is that we only know one path in life. The path our parents showed us, either by teaching or example. Children see all. If, for whatever reason, that path just isn't for us, we end up taking whatever path we stumble across. I have been very fortunate, that every time I feel the yearning for the homeless life, something always happens to bring me back. This is something most would not understand, the yearning. They take comfort in family and friends, good memories and the things money can buy. But for those of us without family, without real friends, with no path we can actually use taught to us, and no love of material objects, we wander, alone(in our minds). And like a previous poster said, every intelligent person living like this, KNOWS they are screwing up, but in the instance where a decision equals being "normal" or being on the street, there is fear, pain and ignorance blocking the "right" path. No amount of talking to him, using logic or "bait" will work. If you refuse him money when he asks, it will not go well. I think, for his sake and yours, you SHOULD refuse him large amounts of money, because that is not what he needs, and he knows that. But you need to understand WHY he is the way he is, and WHY you shouldn't give him money...many of the other replies I read seem to have no understanding or compassion when they say to not give. I think you should give whatever you can(small amounts), knowing you are easing, if only for a short time, the suffering of one who is beyond help currently. Like cleaning a dog that rolled around in filth. The dog will just get dirty again, but at least you have made him happy for a short time. Focus on the action, not the results.
Also, the metaphor of "cleaning the dog" seems to mirror the concept of samsara. We suffer and seek relief from our suffering in transient and impermanent things. The dog will be cleaned and happy for now, but like you said, eventually he will be dirty once again. In the same way, his son will have money and be happy, for now, but soon the money will be gone and he will be lost, broke, unhappy, and suffering. As humans, we have the potential to transcend such fleeting happiness by taking responsibility for ourselves and recognizing that our ignorance causes us to suffer. He needs guidance, love, and discipline, not a get-out-of-jail-free card.