Metta difficulties....

Bodhgaya

Namaste, I have a sibling who dabbles in unwholesome qualities such as obscenity and promiscuity.
I know this because I can overhear him as I type, and I find it hard to over look these things and look at his positive qualities. This is not a 'one time thing,' he tends to do this often.

Any advice would be splendid.

karmadorje

Just dabbles? I practically made a career of these things when I was young. :rockon:

Why do you feel so superior? Ethics are a compass for your own behaviour, not a bludgeon to apply to the behavior of others. We all have problems. I would suggest that you spend more time looking at your own failings than of those around you. The world is a messed up place, everyone is just trying to cope in whatever way they can.

Bodhgaya

This is my failing.

But how is it coping, trying to lie your way into a bed with someone then ditch them the next day?

SherabDorje

Nobody ever said metta/generalized compassion would be easy. We just have to work at it. It seems to me that the more difficult it is, the greater the metta. It's a challenge. That's why we have to work at it. Everyone deserves metta, no matter what they do.

Bodhgaya

Yes I know.
I don't have much of a problem with not looking down upon things that are 'unwholesome,' but it's more of saying and feeling that kindness towards what they've done and dealing with it.

To be honest, I have no one who feels that to me except my mother it seems, but I can't complain.

Jason

To begin with, metta or good will simply means that you don't wish any suffering onto another; it doesn't mean you have to like the person or their unskillful actions.

In addition, from the Buddhist point of view, everyone has some positive qualities, otherwise they wouldn't have been born into the human realm at all, i.e., there's some amount of good in all of us, and you use this good, however little, to help generate metta. AN 5.162 makes this exact point with some interesting analogies, such as:

And as for a person who is impure in his bodily behavior & verbal behavior, but who periodically experiences mental clarity & calm, how should one subdue hatred for him? Just as when there is a little puddle in a cow's footprint, and a person comes along, burning with heat, covered with sweat, exhausted, trembling, & thirsty. The thought would occur to him, 'Here is this little puddle in a cow's footprint. If I tried to drink the water using my hand or cup, I would disturb it, stir it up, & make it unfit to drink. What if I were to get down on all fours and slurp it up like a cow, and then go on my way?' So he would get down on all fours, slurp up the water like a cow, and then go on his way. In the same way, when an individual is impure in his bodily behavior & verbal behavior, but periodically experiences mental clarity & calm, one should at that time pay no attention to the impurity of his bodily behavior...the impurity of his verbal behavior, and instead pay attention to the fact that he periodically experiences mental clarity & calm. Thus the hatred for him should be subdued.

Bodhgaya

Thank you.

I have found it hard to generate that feeling, towards myself and others.
If I practice often, I may eventually have it about just as often.

karmadorje

This is my failing.

But how is it coping, trying to lie your way into a bed with someone then ditch them the next day?

He is trying to find happiness in ways which are causing suffering to others because he is only looking to his own immediate needs. That's a very small view of the world. Imagine how it must be for him to somnambulate like that. Think of what an amazing thing you possess to have the conscience to see that what he is doing is harmful. Feel gratitude that you have this conscience and make a sincere wish that your brother is able to awaken the same thing in him.

Also, nothing is stopping you from telling him (gently) what you think of it. Maitri does not mean that you become a doormat, incapable of speaking up. Just do so from a state of mind of genuine concern for him rather than judgement of his wrong actions. Also, it is important to see that in the scheme of things these are quite small dramas. Think of things in the context of an entire life... fifty years from now, will any of this seem important? That can help to have more of a sense of humour about it.

Bodhgaya

You are right.
And when I said 'dabble' I was speaking lightly, so it didn't seem like he was a hooligan.

But I'm not aware of everything he does. He's young and is into drugs and drinking, and these things hinder his schooling, probably enough to hinder his possibility of getting into a college. I have an older sister, who is as well down that same path- she didn't go to college and now does the same. I feel he is imitating that, from her and his friends- and vice versas with the girl. By mark, they are what you'd consider 'evil friends,' in terms of commending intoxicants, etc. It has never been my place to impose upon them, as they haven't to me. And I am not one to speak up. I am more worried what they are doing to themselves, than my view of how to accept it.
They also have friends, and have lead one, that I know of, into their ways. So it is not just themselves, but have helped another down their road of ignorance.
But it's not entirely their fault. Everyone has a right to say no.

Bodhgaya

And, I think maybe if his parents had shown more parental care, he wouldn't be like he is. But I couldn't say- we lost an older sibling, and only then did Father start to really.... pay attention. But he still doesn't as much as I think he should with how things are seeming.

Jason

He's young and is into drugs and drinking, and these things hinder his schooling, probably enough to hinder his possibility of getting into a college.

That sounds like me about 10-14 years ago.

From personal experience, I can say that there's not much you can do change their behaviour now, but if you can, try to always be there for them, support their skillful decisions/actions and be ready to help them down a different path if and when they realize their mistakes.

Beyond that, just try to be patient with them; you can't really force that kind of inner change, and it'll take time. Maybe even the rest of their lives.

Bodhgaya

You are right. I was loosely on that path myself.
So I know that mindframe, not seeing that these things will only help for so long, and when it's gone, you're down and out, depressed, or violent.

Thanks for the help.

Any more would be appreciated.