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Practising the Yamas when you're suffering

OmNamahShivayaOmNamahShivaya
edited January 2011 in Philosophy
Hi all. I'm currently without a Teacher, so I would love some help and guidance on this... I was in a long term relationship and engaged and late last year (2010) I was so angry with my partner, I broke it off. He knows I love him dearly and we both wanted some space. That was okay and we decided to re-connect in 2011 to see where we're both at. Just after seeing him again and telling him how much I love him, and how un-mindful I was, and how committed I am to my practice, I found out (not by him telling me at first) that he's having casual sex with some girl he met. This hurts me terribly, and therefore I suffer... but what's worse is (for me), that he and I are both studying yoga, following the sutras... and now he's breaking the yamas by being grasping and not keeping sexual purity. I have meditated on the fact that he is my heart lama, and he's teaching me non-grasping and non-jealousy (because he's empty), but I still suffer. I still don't know what to do, because I practice and practice, and practice, and I still have nightmares and I still have false perception and I still suffer so much. And I know he loves me too, but I still feel hurt. How do I practice on this when the suffering is so great?

Comments

  • JoshuaJoshua Veteran
    edited January 2011
    Would you say that it's better to be obsessed with his choices than his making unskillful sexual choices? Buddhistwise, which perpetuates a sense of self more? Maybe if you think about emptiness more and how confused he is as an individual you can at least forgive him.
  • DhammaDhatuDhammaDhatu Veteran
    edited January 2011
    dear OmNamahShivaya

    i am sorry to read you are hurting

    i can only give my opinion, although it may not accord with your religious tradition

    engaging in sexuality is attachment. it is not empty. the buddha taught emptiness includes a mind empty of sensuality (MN 121)

    sexuality is connected to our reproductive psychology, that is, bonding, caring, loving, giving, faithfulness, commitment, etc. such suffering is a moral (yama) issue rather than a transcendental (emptiness) issue

    although you left him for some time, your heart remained faithful to him and true to yourself. but for him, to engage with other was not difficult

    personally, my view is it is unwise to look upon him as your 'heart lama'. he is simply an 'ordinary person'. at least from my viewpoint, a spiritual practitioner does not have casual sex with anyone, given this can hurt onself & especially another

    the buddha's advice on relationship is here: http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an04/an04.055.than.html

    if both of you can conform with the buddha's advice then can you try again?

    if not, then he does not have the spiritual maturity & compassion as this time to love, give & protect on a spiritual level

    but your hurt, yes, this is deep. this is why there are precepts or yamas about sexuality

    your hurt comes from your capacity to love & be faithful

    the intensity of your hurt is commensurate with your capacity to love & be faithful

    in your visceral pain, try to realise this goodness of heart you possess

    please recollect your good qualities

    with metta

    dd

    :)








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