The use of emotions

Lostie

It's widely accepted emotions are essential for growth as in when one is emotionally connected to a cause. An emotionally charged event could be life changing.

As a Buddhist, how should I view emotions as a vehicle for growth, in career and in relationships?

I understand that emotions are signposts in our practice telling us where we should work on in our effort.

ShiftPlusOne

How should you view them? As they are.

sukhita

I think negative emotions like frustration, anger, feeling discouraged, insecurity, guilt, etc., are mental afflictions that cause us suffering and are hindrances to our spiritual progress. One could say, therefore, that positive emotions are the opposite, that is, it could be beneficial. So, it pretty much depends on the actual emotions we experience and how we respond to them.

compassionate_warrior

Grief/sadness is a "negative" emotion, but is healthy and natural, unless it turns into depression. Not all negative emotions are "bad". They are what makes us human and helps us develop empathy for others.

Insecurity, frustration and discouragement aren't emotions. The fear underlying insecurity, for example, is an emotion. But maybe this is splitting hairs.

sukhita

Point taken.

Dakini

I find the tendency for some teachers and practitioners to want to eliminate negative emotions alarming. I think it stems from a misunderstanding. I thought the point in Buddhism was to deal with emotions skillfully,by transforming them into compassion, or to observe them, then let them go, not to cling or allow them to spin out of control. We should allow ourselves to be human, after all; trying to block what is natural doesn't seem healthy or realistic. Isn't this what mindfullness is for? And the compassion meditation practices--to help us rewire the brain so that anger (etc.) are less likely to arise in the first place. But if/when those emotions do arise, then they can be transformed or simply let go.

ravkes

yeah, as they actually are (emotions are just emotions -- we add value where there isn't any just like every other phenomena) otherwise you get screwed.
especially if you trade for a living lol

Wuji

The fear underlying insecurity, for example, is an emotion. But maybe this is splitting hairs.

I don't think this is splitting hairs. I think it is an important distinction that can help one in not creating attachments. Insecurity is an attachment that negative emotions may occur just like hope is an attachment that positive emotions may be felt.

The way I have come to understand it is that emotions are short term and it is important we are aware of them and experience them as they happen. This way we don't harbor feelings of anger or resentment by not experiencing them and transforming or letting go.

I have the most trouble with hope in relationships. I get excited things will work out long term and then suffer later due to my attachment to a positive outcome. For me not building attachments based on positive emotions is proving much more difficult than not allowing negative emotions to control me. I'm trying to have awareness and meditating but, I can't seem to shake this habit. Has anyone else found other tricks to not get too much hope and look at things more realistically?

ravkes

@wuji honestly .. suffering is a great teller of whether or not you're looking at things realistically. if you want to live in a dream then you can suffer, but here in the real world things always don't go according to our own desires and wishes. no tricks, just see reality as it is.. meditate. remember emotions are emotions, thoughts are thoughts, sensations are sensations.. everything is just as it is -- we create the suffering.

Dakini

Wuji, I know exactly what you're talking about. The first step is to be mindful of the tendency to pin hope on a new friendship or relationship. You seem to have that covered. The next step is to take your time getting to know someone (being ever-mindful of your tendency,and keeping that hope at bay) maybe requiring yourself to observe an extended time limit before deciding how the situation is going. It should be obvious that it would be skillful to postpone sex until you have a clear picture of the other person's character, as sex does tend to cause attachment, which clouds judgment. It's a challenging matter you're dealing with, to be sure. If you really want to get at to root of it, you might consider that something in early life caused a certain level of neediness in you, and work with that. My compassion is with you. Good luck.

Supertramp

Wuji, I know exactly what you're talking about. The first step is to be mindful of the tendency to pin hope on a new friendship or relationship. You seem to have that covered. The next step is to take your time getting to know someone (being ever-mindful of your tendency,and keeping that hope at bay) maybe requiring yourself to observe an extended time limit before deciding how the situation is going. It should be obvious that it would be skillful to postpone sex until you have a clear picture of the other person's character, as sex does tend to cause attachment, which clouds judgment. It's a challenging matter you're dealing with, to be sure. If you really want to get at to root of it, you might consider that something in early life caused a certain level of neediness in you, and work with that. My compassion is with you. Good luck.

Hope we're not hijacking this thread now, but why would you postpone sex because you're afraid that it'll cause attachment? It seems like avoiding this issue rather than confronting it. Instead, why not see sex as it is, be honest with yourself and the person you're having sex with and there won't be attachment.

Dakini

Initiating sex prematurely, before you know the person well enough to know if a relationship with them would work out, only clouds judgment, causes one to be more emotionally invested in a relationship that may not be stable or appropriate, and makes it more difficult to end the relationship, especially without causing pain to either or both parties. It's easier to end a friendship, if one decides it won't work out, than a relationship that's become physical. One can maintian better objectivity (to the extent possible, given the tendency to pin hopes on someone--all the more important to maintain objectivity under those circumstances) without the complications of sex. This is advice for the specific issue Wuji has raised, not generalized advice for everyone and anyone.

dr_arpie

we know we must detach ourselves from these "emotions" but to think of them as anything but themselves is only detrimental

Supertramp

Initiating sex prematurely, before you know the person well enough to know if a relationship with them would work out, only clouds judgment, causes one to be more emotionally invested in a relationship that may not be stable or appropriate, and makes it more difficult to end the relationship, especially without causing pain to either or both parties. It's easier to end a friendship, if one decides it won't work out, than a relationship that's become physical. One can maintian better objectivity (to the extent possible, given the tendency to pin hopes on someone--all the more important to maintain objectivity under those circumstances) without the complications of sex. This is advice for the specific issue Wuji has raised, not generalized advice for everyone and anyone.

I have the same problem as Wuji so I can relate to that, however I speak from experience that if you enter a relationship purely based on sex with honesty towards yourself and your partner that it is alot easier to just end the sexual part and purely be friends. In this case you don't even need to end the friendship, the most important part is honesty. Honesty towards yourself and towards your sexual partner. See things as they are and nothing else. There's no need to end the friendship afterwards and if there would be any reason it's just like ending a friendship with a squashing partner.

However, you should not enter a sexual relationship with someone you're in love with when all she/he wants is sex. There you are right, obviously. But in that case it will be hard to end the friendship anyway. The problem there is that the sexual part can be a reason to end the friendship, not make it harder to end it imo.:)
But in the other case I still think you're avoiding the problem if you say "don't have sex because you can't trust your feelings afterwards" rather than confronting it.