Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
How to deal with "feeling unloved"
I wasn't sure to make this post in the thread dealing with emotions and risking hijacking that thread with something more specific or to make a new one, but if the mods find this thread more suiteable as a part of that thread they may move it if they wish.
Like every human being stuck in samsara I sometimes have a feeling of being unloved, as if everybody around me has found people that they love and who love him back except me. Obviously, this feeling is fleeting and soon disappears only to come back later. How should I look at this feeling?
I realise it's because I'm still suffering because of attachment and desires and because of my Self, but as I can laugh away most trivialities this way somehow it doesn't seem to work with this particular feeling. I realise it's foolish but that doesn't make it go away. Should I look at this in the way that my "Self" is insignificant in the everflowing cycle of life? Because that's one of those things that are easier said than done as long as I'm still attached to my Self. The realisation that all sentient beings feel this at one time or another doesn't help either, eventhough it should.
I want to "conquer" this specific feeling rather than "fix" (as it's not really a fix) it by finding somebody to who I can be attached because this attachment would be dishonest to her and to myself, since it wouldn't be love for her or love for me rather than just sedating the wound this feeling gives.
I also know that Buddha says "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
How should I interpretate this? Or didn't he actually say this? It seems to me this is a quote mostly used for and by people who want to sedate the suffering of this feeling and stay in samsara rather than escaping it.
As a last point, more about terminology, how should I see the term "dukkha" relating to "samsara"?
I know dukkha is suffering, unhappiness. And samsara is the "non-reality" and the cycle that needs to be broken to reach enlightenment. But it seems to me the two terms overlap sometimes?
Thanks in advance for your wisdom.
Like every human being stuck in samsara I sometimes have a feeling of being unloved, as if everybody around me has found people that they love and who love him back except me. Obviously, this feeling is fleeting and soon disappears only to come back later. How should I look at this feeling?
I realise it's because I'm still suffering because of attachment and desires and because of my Self, but as I can laugh away most trivialities this way somehow it doesn't seem to work with this particular feeling. I realise it's foolish but that doesn't make it go away. Should I look at this in the way that my "Self" is insignificant in the everflowing cycle of life? Because that's one of those things that are easier said than done as long as I'm still attached to my Self. The realisation that all sentient beings feel this at one time or another doesn't help either, eventhough it should.
I want to "conquer" this specific feeling rather than "fix" (as it's not really a fix) it by finding somebody to who I can be attached because this attachment would be dishonest to her and to myself, since it wouldn't be love for her or love for me rather than just sedating the wound this feeling gives.
I also know that Buddha says "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
How should I interpretate this? Or didn't he actually say this? It seems to me this is a quote mostly used for and by people who want to sedate the suffering of this feeling and stay in samsara rather than escaping it.
As a last point, more about terminology, how should I see the term "dukkha" relating to "samsara"?
I know dukkha is suffering, unhappiness. And samsara is the "non-reality" and the cycle that needs to be broken to reach enlightenment. But it seems to me the two terms overlap sometimes?
Thanks in advance for your wisdom.
0
Comments
Even people with family will feel like nobody really appreciates them or pays enough attention to their needs and end up miserable. Even the rich and famous and admired will complain, "Nobody appreciates me for myself!" and end up miserable.
So a lot of self-destructive and mistaken behavior is motivated by this desire to be loved. Young girls who can't even support themselves will deliberately have a baby, feeling it's a sure way to be truly loved by someone. Married men and women have affairs, thinking they can find someone who really understands their problems that way. The famous surround themselves with an adoring crowd, all the while complaining that everyone is after their money and fame. The list of behaviors is endless.
So it's the First Noble Truth come to life. The only answer I can give is to point to rest of the Noble Truths as the remedy.
I think daily meditation is important - and sometimes just doing something as simple as taking a brisk walk or a swim, having a regular daily exercise programme or going to a gym, can help one relax more and let go of feelings about being unloved. Perhaps investigating local buddhist centres might be helpful too.
I feel like I am somewhere at your level in the understanding of this stuff. I have tried to conquer many of these unwanted feelings. Now I am starting to believe you don't really want to conquer them. Like instead of becoming great at not being concerned about being loved I think you should just go and be loved. As far as the attachment issue goes its tricky. I believe you can have great love and use your mindfulness to not let the negative feelings hurt when the love ends. You will be able to let go painlessly and go on to love again.
I'm definitely not very loved. I have learned how to live like that painlessly. To be quiet honest I think it is nothing more complicated then becoming used to something, accepting it and living with it.
I think some smart person said, "if you want to be loved you just need to go love."
I'm using my own advise right now and I prefer the results compared to ignoring the feeling of caring about being loved.
But self-love is a skill, like anything else, that must be learned and practiced!
Here's something useful I wrote previously:
"Not too long ago I felt deeply hurt by someone close. I felt I was being treated unfairly, I felt I was taken for granted, and I dreaded what the future held for me.
I tried standard loving kindness, but that didn't help too much.
Then, sitting at my desk in defeat, I thought to my self, "I'm going to ________ to make my life better."
Surprising to me, I felt an incredible weight being lifted off my chest.
I decided to keep going with the thoughts. I immediately followed with the thoughts, "I will take care of myself, I have compassion for myself, I love myself..."
and it felt like my heart lifted through the roof. I was overflowing with happiness and love, to the point that I could feel genuine love for the person that upset me. In fact, I did not want to receive love or receive acceptance-- I wanted to give love and give acceptance.
At that moment, I understood the phrase, "It's better to give than to receive." After all, when someone else loves you, you can see it but you can't really feel it. But when you love someone else, you feel it more than they ever will.
That solved the issue for me, and I've felt better ever since. So I have an additional kind of "super" loving kindness that I do, with me being both the giver and receiver of love and kindness. Feels good! Don't know how this fits into the overall Buddhist scheme, though. But it seems alright.
So, I recommend trying something like this.
Some thoughts/observations:
1. Normal loving kindness didn't really work for me, which is weird because I am the first object of loving kindness in my practice: "May I be safe, healthy, successful, happy and wise." So why didn't that work? I have two hypotheses:
i) because I've done that loving kindness script so many times that it wasn't truly heart-felt
ii) because my standard loving kindness practice is very passive: "May _____ be _____." Whereas the new thought I have was very proactive: "I love... I will..."
I think the later explanation is it.
2. Mindfulness played a key role in this. I had to be able to see the effect those thoughts had on me in order to build on it and adopt it into my practice.
3. If what I suggest here doesn't help, the key is to experiment! Try different thoughts, then mindfully observe the effect they have on you. And you're bound to find some kind of solution.
Let us know how it goes. We can all learn a little more from this. "
this is just a form of conceit.
This is an unskillful attitude. This bears similarity to how an ascetic might turn down food so he could "conquer" the feeling of hunger on his own.
First conquer your aversion to this lonely feeling. Change your relationship to this feeling.
Second, there's nothing "dishonest" about wanting to be with someone unless you lie to them about your motivations. It's well understood that people often date because they are lonely.
Third, each relationship is different, so you don't know what your motivations will be when you are in that relationship. You are assuming you know what the future holds, when in fact you don't.
Fourth, it could easily be that your are attached to your identity of being a lonely person. Be mindful of your own true motivations of avoiding relationships.
go meditate.
when one doesn't see things clearly, they suffer.
feelings are just feelings, the stories you create around them involving yourself and others is called drama. this self-pity doesn't exist and is unskillful.
you don't need to let go of anything, simply see things as they are.. (thinking is thinking, breathing is breathing, feeling is feeling, sensations are sensations).. and automatically the suffering will cease.
please see that you're already perfect in the first place, all that goes on here are experiences. you create the divison and thus the suffering.
I am sorry you feel that way I used to until I had such bad experiences in relationships.
I think in a way it is making you not love yourself or have a sense of failure. That is my guess. And also a longing. I think with thinking like that it is helpful to identify it in a moment of insight because then some of the distress of a vagueness is removed. Have you ever had the experience of being lonely and once you articulated that longing you were almost relieved to know what was bugging you?
I don't think you have to change your feelings. The most painful part is the additional thinking that says things are not ok. In a sense feeling that is not bad because it comes from your wish to be happy. But it gets distorted by the thinking that projects all sorts of things. As I suggested one of them could be self abuse that you are 'unloveable' 'clumsy' or whatever. Another common thought is to project into the past and future that you have never been loved and never will be. Which I would guess is not true.
Wishing you the best!
I just want to make clear that I don't feel any more unloved than I guess everybody does, I'm not depressed or anything, atleast I think I'm not. But I was posting this because this is one of the only feelings I can't de-attach from whenever I want. Obviously doing something with friends or working or exercise etc always helps, but I want to be able to conquer this feeling when I'm alone with my thoughts. This points to what ravkes said: too much thinking. Meditating about this is on my to do list, but as I'm only just discovering buddhism I've got a lot of years to go to be able to succesfully meditate about an issue like this I think. But that doesn't mean I won't try.
I do have another question about this though: Does everybody agree with this? I see a lot of people get or stay into relations because they're afraid of this feeling. I would think that is the unskillful thing to do. How can you really be de-attached from the desire to be loved if you just go from relation to relation just so somebody can love you?
Well, the main source of these feelings is that I'm now past the first quarter of my life and I still haven't had a real relationship with a girl that lasted longer than a week. I've had semi-relationships but never one based on love. So your last guess is wrong, other than the love of my parents and my friends of course.
If you want love, give love.
It might sound counter-intuitive but if want love you have to give love. I see now how this is true, even though I would vehemently disagree with this "nonsense" notion a year ago.
Thing is, if you are just talking about romantic love....you might have diagnosed yourself incorrectly. If you are very much in other ways, by family and friends....I don't think you'd feel this urge to be loved romantically.
Of course, maybe what you truly want is just to be in a relationship. I've been there, and I guess the only advice to that would be to.......give love lol But only where it's due. So meet a lot of girls...one of them is bound to spark your interest and vice-versa. If not...then there's probably another problem with your personality or something else that you need to address first before you can feel loved.
maybe changing love with maitri?
I think the urge to be loved romantically exists with everybody in samsara, but with me it sometimes gets the upper hand because of the fact that I've never felt someone's romantic love. Surely you can want romantic love when you feel all the other kinds of love. But I don't want to NEED it, surely it would be nice to have it (preferred) but I don't want to crave it.
I do know what I need to do to find a relationship, but that's not what I really want. I want to overcome the craving that sometimes arises till a point where I just prefer it.
I'm gonna look into maitri, vincenzi, all I know about it is what I found on wikipedia. I still have to read a lot about meditation and I'm sure maitri will be covered in one of those books.
What is your current practice? Do you meditate? If so, by what method?
How should you look at this feeling? Just observe it, without giving it too much credit, and in time , it won't bother you. You try to reject the feeling, instead of ...letting it follow its course (rise and fall). It's like trying to block a roaring mountain river with some sticks. Your 'self' is the one who wants to cling to that suffering and also the one who clings to the idea of rejecting that suffering.I guess, you shouldn't look at the problem through the eyes of an insignificant 'self', you should look through your own eyes. When I was in your situation, I asked myself: "What is this wish?", "Why do I want this thing?", "Does the other one( the one who I loved) thinks the same way I do, about this problem?". And when the answer came as NO, the whole problem solved, and the feeling of being unloved disappeared. Why conquer it....Hold on a second ! What do you mean by conquer ? Why do you need to conquer ? Well, at some extent, everyone deserves that.Many receive it.The ones who do not receive it are like a pikeman in the middle of a WWII battlefield. It's not their place, or it's not the time. You choose which one.
But what's important is that apart from the sex, the only thing that makes me ask if I need a relationship is social pressure. I realize now that's why people are so compelled. They don't strive to be whole on their own because they are told they need their other half to do that. But that's all bullocks....and only my personal effort to become better, more independent and slightly more selfless, more unaffected by day-to-day horror and drama....it was only that effort that made me realize I don't really NEED a relationship. I do crave sex quite a lot though. I'm trying to find a way to solve that problem, seeing as I'm not one for one night stands, nor do I want love right now.